NBR: Not invited to a wedding, slightly miffed WWYD

umbcpt · November 2014

My cousin got married today. How did I find out? Facebook. I wasn't invited. But the entire rest of my family was except my parents/me, as shown by the pictures. My feelings are incredibly hurt.

Back story.

She is 16 years younger than me. I started babysitting her when she was just 5 days old. I spent an entire summer in high school watching her and her brother full-time. She was a Junior Bridesmaid in my wedding 9 years ago. I saw her engagement ring last Christmas (no formal announcement, and she has never brought the guy to any family function). I inquired, and she confirmed, and said she wasn't getting married until she was 21. (That's next year). I have always felt close to her.

I have gotten the feeling that my mom's brothers and sisters (mom is the oldest of 10) don't care for my mom or dad very much. Well I was just looking at Facebook, and was SHOCKED to see wedding pictures. I see pictures with the entire rest of my family there. But not us. My feelings are more than hurt and I guess it confirms that we aren't as close of a family as I thought.

Well, we are scheduled to spend Thanksgiving with this part of my family this week.

Honestly, I am disgusted and hurt. I discussed with my mom, and when I told her and how obvious it was that we weren't invited, her response was "Good, I'm glad." She doesn't care, but for some reason I do and feel distraught over this.

Do I pretend like nothing happened? Do I address it on Thanksgiving? Or do I just not go to Thanksgiving? If I do address it, with whom? my uncle? (cousin's dad) or my cousin directly? I think it is going to be hard for me to stomach watching my cousin fawn all over my children and hug me and tell me how much she misses me. And hear about how much everyone loves our family.

Or am I just being totally ridiculous?

TIA

ConstanceGoodspeed · November 2014

With that response from your mom, it sounds like she knows there is bad blood between her and her siblings. I find it odd that she is going to Thanksgiving with them.

I would tell your cousin congratulations, her wedding looked beautiful and you are bummed you couldn't be there.

Nvywife · November 2014

I'm a kill them with kindness kind of person so... ^^^^^what she said!

jaztastic · November 2014

I've been on both sides of this situation before. My cousin got married last spring, my sister was in the wedding and I didn't get an invite. I've also had events where I had to break up families. It sucks, but I've come to realize that two people can have very different outlooks on the same relationship. Try not to get wrapped up in you feelings about the way someone else perceives a relationship/friendship. Easier said than done, but try not to sweat it and just continue to be you and treat them as you always have.

Beth.1212 · November 2014

I don't think you're being ridiculous at all. Unless there's some obvious problem (ex. someone who has been purposely cut out of one's life, someone who is a danger, someone who would cause trouble / a scene, a young child at an adult-only wedding), I don't think it's right to invite some people of a certain "type" of relationship but not others. Otherwise, people's feelings get hurt. If she invited all of the other aunts/uncles, she should have invited your parents. If she invited all of the other cousins, she should have invited you.

I would probably not say anything because I just don't see the point. You thought you guys were close and her actions say that she doesn't agree. Bringing up your lack of invitation will, at best, bring weak excuses, and at worst make Thanksgiving uncomfortable and awkward. It's sad, but I think the best thing to do is to try and accept that you're not as close as you'd like and move past it. I'd be cooly polite at Thanksgiving. As long as you are cordial, I think that's all that you owe her and your hosts. Any fawning on her part, declarations of how much she misses us, would be met my an "Indeed?" a raised eyebrow and a change of subject.

If she gave an unprompted apology for not inviting you and I would tell her that I was sorry not to have been there and that I would have liked to attend. Then I'd probably soften the blow by saying that I hoped the wedding went well and, if I really wanted to smooth things over and try to reestablish something of a relationship, I'd ask about the wedding, the honeymoon (appropriate questions like where'd you go, did you go to any good restaurants, how long were you there, of course!), etc.

daisydotsgirl1 · November 2014

Just going to play devils advocate here... But maybe your invite got lost in the mail?

My invites all went out on the same day... And my super close girlfriend from work never received hers... Thankfully she approached me about it... She finally received it in the mail 2 months AFTER the wedding... It was stamped with the postmark from 3.5 months earlier!!!

That being said... Kill her with kindness

you never know... And she might be offended that you never responded

best of luck!! Xoxo

StephanieLBerg · November 2014

Well, I can't offer any advice as I'm sort of going through a similar situation with my father. I know he and my mother hate each other, but when I was growing up he always said that when I turned 18, he and I would have a chance at a life that my mother "kept" us from having. Idk if any of it is true, but I digress. So, the minute I turn 18 I came to him looking for what he had always promised, love. But instead, and I'm only realizing this VERY recently, that he has kept me at arms length my entire life. He lures me in with promises and sweet nothings that he knows I want to hear, only to rip my heart out each and every time. He doesn't trust me, probably because he thinks I'm just a younger, more advanced version, of my mother. It saddens me and hurts at the same time. I've done nothing but welcome him with open arms and tried sharing my life with him, but it was never enough and now I am realizing that this is all because of his past with my mother; and he's blaming me for it all.

To this day, I still try and reach out to him. I try to be the bigger person and kill him kindness as others have suggested for you, but it never works for me. All that I end up getting accomplished with it is a mountain of lies and empty promises from him, a huge let down from him because he's decided to disown me for the umpteenth time, and nothing but sadness loneliness and heartache.

So, unfortunately, I cannot offer advice as to what you should do. I can only offer my sympathy and empathy for what you are going through. With me, the bad blood is between my mother and father, however, I am the one who is suffering and paying the price for it. It sounds like the same can be said for you. You can try to kill them with kindness, but I don't think its going to help your situation any, not unless you plan to accept that things were never what they seemed between you and your cousin, and doesn't sound like they will ever be, and just move on with your life knowing it. You can either accept it and move on, or decide you can't and just wash your hands of it all. Very black and white I know, but when it comes to situations like this with family, rarely, at least in my experience, is there EVER a gray area.

umbcpt · November 2014

Thanks ladies.

There has never been a fight with my mom and her siblings, but there is a lot of history. Without getting in to much here, I think it boils down to my mom is the oldest, and the younger siblings are really close, and my parents just aren't. We are there for every major family function and holiday (that we know about), and were just with them two weeks ago for a Sunday football party. (No one mentioned this wedding).

It's just kind of ironic, my parents married young (age 20 also) and everyone said it wouldn't last, and assumed my mother was pregnant. Well both assumptions were wrong and my parents just had their 40th wedding anniversary. So I am not going to assume these things with my cousin who is married at 20.

When my uncle (cousin's dad) was kicked out of the house, he came to live with us and finished high school. When he got arrested, he called my parents to bail him out of jail (he was really young then too, before he had kids). When he had kids, I was their babysitter.

It's almost like we are good enough some of the time, when they need something. My mom recognizes it, and I have always thought it was her imagination. Like we were invited to a large family vacation planned for next summer. I committed to go, my mother did not. So I now question whether I was invited to just defray costs for the larger group, or do they really want me there?

I doubt very seriously that invitations were lost in the mail, because that would mean my mother's and mine were both lost. Could it happen? Yes, but it doesn't explain how I saw everyone two weeks ago and no one mentioned it.

I guess not being invited is one thing. Finding out that it occurred via social media is totally different. It would not hurt as much if I found out a different way, like a phone call, or a conversation or even an email. I also realize, that it may have nothing to do with me and have a lot to do with my parents.

Thanks for the advice. I probably will take the high road, but if the door is opened, I likely will say something. I just don't want to hear how important family is from them. Clearly it's only important when something is needed. Otherwise, we don't matter. To any of them.

jmcgra06 · November 2014

Late to the party, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry

Family stuff like that sucks. I would change Thanksgiving plans if it were possible because I hate awkwardness like that, and send a card or email letting your cousin know you were hurt but glad she had such a beautiful wedding. I wouldn't be able to say nothing - though if Thanksgiving is a requirement, I wouldn't want to say anything there.

You could always stay in Maryland with my mother in law if you want

Can't say it would be better though...

jennjilljo · November 2014

Late but I agree with Constance. I also had invited get lost in the mail like Daisydots. Some arrived late, some never arrived at all and then I had a few returned crumpled and torn because they couldn't make it through the machine (they were perfectly flat when I sent them).

wintersong139 · November 2014

krendel1990 said:
It sounds like you just didn't get invited because she either thought she would have to invite the rest of the family that doesn't get along, or that they may just show up. When my dad and I stopped talking I didn't invite any of his side of the family because I didn't want him to crash my wedding, and I felt really bad that I didn't invite my cousins. I'm sure it was nothing to do with you.

This. People that get invited to a wedding have as much to do with the bride and grooms parents as the bride a groom themselves. Just resolve to be the bigger person.

chicagojackie · November 2014

I don't know what to tell you to do...but that totally sucks and I'm sorry. Not fun anytime but especially when pregnant and with two other kids. Hugs to you sweetheart.

MapleMomma · November 2014

krendel1990 said:
It sounds like you just didn't get invited because she either thought she would have to invite the rest of the family that doesn't get along, or that they may just show up. When my dad and I stopped talking I didn't invite any of his side of the family because I didn't want him to crash my wedding, and I felt really bad that I didn't invite my cousins. I'm sure it was nothing to do with you.

I had this experience also. Because I didn't want my biological parents to come to our wedding, I wasn't able to invite any of the cousins or aunts/ uncles.

HailsMom · November 2014

I would do like the other ladies have suggested and just say congratulations and let her know you wished you could have been there. If she didn't invite you because of your parents, hopefully she will say something, but she might not because she might not want to put you in the middle of it. It's a tough situation. Sorry you are having to deal with it.

Mrs. Zee · November 2014

I just wanted to say I am really sorry-family dynamics can be so difficult. I agree with others in taking the high road and if you do go to Thanksgiving tell her you saw the pics on fb and it looked lovely. We also called everyone who didn't RSVP in case any got lost in the mail.

My parents are not as close with the rest of my dads family (there are 5 kids in his family, he is the oldest). My brother and I have made an effort (as it sounds like you have!) to have a relationship with our aunts and uncles and cousins bc my parents won't. I actually reached out to all of them (except for one, the one brother is truly a terrible, terrible person) to tell them I was pg bc I didn't want them to find out on fb. My parents don't know this and they would probably be mad at me if they found out. Your cousin may have been in a similar predicament. Again, I'm sorry you are going through this and so close to having a holiday with them.

mishka29 · November 2014

Hells yes you should say something!!! I'm not saying throw a hissy fit or be a bitch about it but your cousin had to know it was going to be an issue not inviting you, whether it was by her design or not. Pull her a side congratulate then comment that you were a little hurt and disappointed not to be invited bc you thought you were closer than that. Pause for explanation bc it sounds like you deserve one.

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NBR: Not invited to a wedding, slightly miffed WWYD

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