September 2013 Moms
PumpkinMommaaa
member
NBR. Input welcome! Very long.
PumpkinMommaaa
member
Please do not quote because I may delete.
I'm not sure I want to be with DH any longer. I'm unhappy. And I feel terrible and I don't know what to do. We've had issues or awhile but I just chalked it up to the stress of moving and staying with family. But now that that's over, things haven't changed and I'm not sure they get will. It's not even big things that happen or he does wrong but little things that he doesn't realize hurt or little things that I can't stand when he does them. Every time we talk about things it just goes in circles and nothing get changes.
I feel like if we didn't have DD we wouldn't be together. There were things that happened when I wa pregnant that made me second guess our relationship but at the time leaving didn't seem like an option. And now I feel like or lost myself. I have no idea who I am anymore. I have absolutely no one to talk to. I lost every friend I had for him. And I just don't know what to do.
I wouldn't even know how to go about it if I wanted to leave. Im a SAHM so I have no income or place to go or money to support me and DD. He's already told me before that if we broke up that he'd do everything in his power to get full custody. Even though he wouldn't know the first thing about caring for her full time. He doesn't do anything for her now unless I ask.
I think he suspects I feel this way. Some days all I can think about is my unhappiness. And most of these days he asks if I'm unhappy or if I feel stuck but I don't ever tell him. Because I know that it would just turn into the same conversation we always have.
We are planning to move closer to his mom this spring because she will provide daycare so I can work but I don't know if I can hold out until then. This is breaking me.
Sorry this is so long but I had to get it out somehow.
I'm not sure I want to be with DH any longer. I'm unhappy. And I feel terrible and I don't know what to do. We've had issues or awhile but I just chalked it up to the stress of moving and staying with family. But now that that's over, things haven't changed and I'm not sure they get will. It's not even big things that happen or he does wrong but little things that he doesn't realize hurt or little things that I can't stand when he does them. Every time we talk about things it just goes in circles and nothing get changes.
I feel like if we didn't have DD we wouldn't be together. There were things that happened when I wa pregnant that made me second guess our relationship but at the time leaving didn't seem like an option. And now I feel like or lost myself. I have no idea who I am anymore. I have absolutely no one to talk to. I lost every friend I had for him. And I just don't know what to do.
I wouldn't even know how to go about it if I wanted to leave. Im a SAHM so I have no income or place to go or money to support me and DD. He's already told me before that if we broke up that he'd do everything in his power to get full custody. Even though he wouldn't know the first thing about caring for her full time. He doesn't do anything for her now unless I ask.
I think he suspects I feel this way. Some days all I can think about is my unhappiness. And most of these days he asks if I'm unhappy or if I feel stuck but I don't ever tell him. Because I know that it would just turn into the same conversation we always have.
We are planning to move closer to his mom this spring because she will provide daycare so I can work but I don't know if I can hold out until then. This is breaking me.
Sorry this is so long but I had to get it out somehow.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NBR. Input welcome! Very long.
Unfortunately the only family I have that could do that is in another state. We don't have anyone around here to even watch LO or I would be working. I talk to his mom more than anyone and I know that when we are closer to her it would be possible. It just makes me sick thinking about the time between now and then. I can't pretend like everything's okay for six months. But I also won't be able to tell him I'm unhappy and want to leave but I'm stuck.
@RedDDD Thanks for that. One of the ways DH makes me feel small is because I'm a SAHM. He seems to think its easy peasy because he had to stay with DD a few hours a day when he worked third shift. But he doesn't realize that he didn't cook or clean or do laundry or anything useful. This is one of the issues. I get no help, not even when I'm cooking dinner and DD is screaming her head off, unless I tell him to help. He leaves a mess with everything he does and doesn't pick it up, critisizes the way I do almost everything from cleaning to parenting. But critisizes things that don't even matter. Like he's saying things to say them. And we struggle. A lot. And there's so much more he could be doing to support us. Things that I would be doing if I could. And lately he's gotten so irresponsible with money that I can't help but to blame him for it all.
And when I bring these things up to him, he acts like I'm crazy. He doesn't see it and he tries to turn it around on me. I don't think he's as happy as when we first got together either but that he wants to be so he convinces himself that he is. You know? And I'm not sure what would happen if I really told him I wanted to leave him. I'm sure he'd over react and try to make me feel bad and I don't want to be stuck in the same house when that happens.
You're right to say that 6 months really isn't that long. It just seems like it when my mind seems made up. I'm sorry for the essay again. Like I said there's not really anyone IRL to vent to. Thank you for your thoughts!
Perhaps sitting down with him and having an honest conversation is going to need to happen. I would give it a time frame of 6 months. Let him know that if things don't change by then that you will be wanting out of the relationship at that point. If you truly do want it to work then for the next 6 months you should really try anything and everything. Couples counselling, one on one counselling, whatever you haven't tried yet then do it. Then at least if you choose to separate you know that you tried everything to make it work, and can walk away without regrets. Hopefully this way you can end things in a civil manner and he will be supportive in getting you back on your feet as it affects his child as well.
My advice is in no way the only way to go about things but it is just what I would do if I were facing the same situation. Best of luck to you, no matter what you will get through this and be a stronger person because of it.
I also agree with letting him know how you feel. I'm also one that has to write a letter if it's a tough subject, so maybe try that? Hugs!
@jnetx writing a letter is a great idea. That's what I've always done in the past as well and it has crossed y mind to do so.
For the ladies that suggested counseling; I've thought about it but haven't looked into costs or anything because we don't really have much extra money. Also I'm sure it would only be for me as I've asked him to go himself before. He's also bipolar and depressed as doesn't get medicated for it no matter how much I try.
@VitaLuna I've actually just started taking Zoloft again because I thought maybe because I wasn't that I was the problem.
Again, thank you so much! For now, I will write a letter. I think talking to him about things will be easier than anticipated. I asked him last night if he was happy and he shrugged his shoulders. I was on my second glass of wine so I left it at that.
@CurlingRocks a trial separation isn't an option because there's nowhere for either of us to I that's not an 8 hour drive away but you re completely right about him going untreated. And I explained to him yesterday that that is going to have to happen if we are going to stay together.
We talked a lot about things yesterday. He mentioned something along the lines of me always seeming miserable so I went off that. We had a long discussion, no arguing and after he realized how serious I was about not being sure if we could still work, he started taking responsibility for the way things are. It lasted all day but it was very beneficial. It was probably one f the better days we've had in a long time. I feel 6382057 times better that he knows how I really feel about things. I guess I didn't really want to admit that there's a possibility we won't last. Also I am going to look into counseling for the both of us under our insurance. I never looked into it before because I assumed it was something that wasn't normally covered.
Thank you so much for all your thoughts and advice. It's really great to have a support system. Creepy internet hugs all around!