SIL Troubles

RWPhoenix · November 2014

So my DH's oldest sister is the meanest, most jealous, spiteful woman I have ever met. When I was pregnant with my first, she refused to acknowledge it and refused to come to my baby shower. She lets her youngest take food and toys away forcefully from DD whenever they are together, which is not often. Now she is not inviting us to Thanksgiving because of some supposed slight. I really want to punch her in the face, sorry not sorry. Any ways, we plan on telling my parents and his after the first U/S and I really don't want my SIL to know or her bitchness will go up to 1000%. But my MIL never can keep a secret. I really not care what my SIL thinks any more, holidays are family time and her not inviting us is just the last in a long list of her beig bitchy to us of no reason. I know she will be all petty and jealous again and could care less. However should we tell her about the pregnancy directly or just let MIL spill the beans?

UTMissy · November 2014

Be the bigger person. No matter how much you dislike each other, at least you can be the one to look back and say you tried. My brother has let my mom tell me when his wife (who clearly doesn't like me) for three pregnancies now (two were losses) and it just adds fuel to the fire.

RWPhoenix · November 2014

Trust me when I say I have tried being kind to her, I am always civil during the rare holidays when we do see her. Yet she still treats myself, DH, and sometimes DD like we are third class citizens.

OctoberStars · November 2014

Ignore her. You've tried to be the bigger person and she's not changing. Try to enjoy the fact that you don't have to spend the holidays with someone who sucks. Some people ate just terrible and there's no point in trying to change them. Cut her out as much as you can, but be civil when you see her.

Ashbritenden · November 2014

My SIL is the same way! I just let my mom and brother tell her that I'm expecting my third. I don't go out of my way to talk to her (because it always ends badly), and, just as expected, she tried to make my pregnancy something about her (basically tried to get others to THINK she's pregnant, although she isn't). Don't let her steal your joy! If she can't be nice about it let her hear it through the grapevine.

hollowway · November 2014

Some people just enjoy being miserable and speading hate and discontent. I like to call them in-laws... Just kidding! But yes, some people justccan't help it. Does she only have the one child? Is it possible she has some secret fertility/ttc issues/losses and is envious of your pregnancies because of this? Not that its an excuse!

I would tell her in person. Let her know you are excited about this pregnancy and would like to have her support. Bit I'd also let her know that you're all adults and her silly games aren't needed or wanted.

And crash Thanksgiving dinner ;-)

luckystarr1 · November 2014

I'm on team "kill her with kindness/ be the bigger person" for a couple of reasons... mostly because no matter how you approach anything with her, it sounds like you won't change her opinions or actions, so you may as well be proud of yourself for how you've chosen to handle the situation. You already know how she is going to react, so prepare yourself and share the news and move on.

slweaver0626 · November 2014

If she is treating her own brother like crap it's time for him or his parents to step up and say something. Bitch needs to be taken down a notch or two.

RWPhoenix · November 2014

Okay, some clarification. SIL has always been mean and jealous (according to whole family). When DH and I were getting married, she said that she was not going to come because DH had supposedly made her feel unwelcome. She streches the truth to fit what she sees fit. SIL has three children (two adopted and her youngest natural). When she was pregnant with the third I was very kind to her and offered to watch the older two kids if she ever needed a day off. We also gave her a very nice gift when the baby was born. Her seocnd child had their confirmation around the time I was about to give birth to DD, but again we made sure to send a gift (money and a bracelet). Neither time did we get a thank you and every Christmas we make sure to get the kids a little gift and she gives us (and now DD) nothing in return. DH says she has always been bitter and no one can figure out why. We have tried everything in the kill her with kindness route and her attitude does not change. She even had the guts to insult my mom to my face because she felt my mom was not helping with child care enough (DD is watched by my mom, sometimes by my ILs, and day care). My mom watches her 90% of the time. I told my SIL this and even went over the calendar with her and she just shouted at me that it was not the same and stormed off. We were not invited for Thanksgiving because my DH apparently made some crack behind her back when she was storming off. I was standing right there, DH had not said anything. She loves the drama and to be honest I am done playing her little games.

MrsC0409 · November 2014

See if it were me.... I would CALL his parents WHILE they're at dinner at your SIL's house and tell them the great news. I'm in the fight fire with fire camp. If you've tried in the past to get along with them, forget them!

Lolawalker622 · November 2014

Holy cow- it's times like this that I am thankful my husband is an only child! We only have MY crazy family to deal with. When I was dealing with my crazy mother during my first pregnancy, the best advice I received was to walk blamelessly. I did what I thought was right, so that when I laid my head down at night, I could sleep peacefully and not regret any of my words or actions. There were some heated words on my part, but they needed to be said and I don't regret them. Be civil, but don't tolerate the crazy. If she wants to cut you out, that's her loss. Celebrate the great family that you DO have and don't let her steal your joy!

UTMissy · November 2014

Heres the thing, no matter how you feel about her or what she's done to you, she's family. You are stuck with her. We can't always explain why people act poorly but that doesn't justify any response to treat them the same. I think we have all had horrible familly drama at some point but with all families you have your highs and lows. I limit my contact with my SIL as she has been cruel to me however I will be telling them that we are expecting as I don't think them finding out the way I found out about their baby is fair. It honestly sounds like to me that you made up your mind before you posted....

bosco213 · November 2014

estamos_tomamos said:

So my DH's oldest sister is the meanest, most jealous, spiteful woman I have ever met. When I was pregnant with my first, she refused to acknowledge it and refused to come to my baby shower. She lets her youngest take food and toys away forcefully from DD whenever they are together, which is not often. Now she is not inviting us to Thanksgiving because of some supposed slight. I really want to punch her in the face, sorry not sorry. Any ways, we plan on telling my parents and his after the first U/S and I really don't want my SIL to know or her bitchness will go up to 1000%. But my MIL never can keep a secret. I really not care what my SIL thinks any more, holidays are family time and her not inviting us is just the last in a long list of her beig bitchy to us of no reason. I know she will be all petty and jealous again and could care less. However should we tell her about the pregnancy directly or just let MIL spill the beans?
I'm team cut toxic people out of your life. When you have to be around her, smile, and be civil. Otherwise cut all contact, and don't give another second's thought to how she'll react to your pregnancy. Life is too short to waste on people like that.

100% this. My mom's sister is one of these people. She's a total psycho bitch and causes drama wherever she goes. Her and my mom didn't get along for years and are trying to forge a relationship so I'm civil...I just don't want to be around her at all. She's toxic and I keep those people out of my life, even if they are family.

bosco213 · November 2014

UTMissy said:

Heres the thing, no matter how you feel about her or what she's done to you, she's family. You are stuck with her. We can't always explain why people act poorly but that doesn't justify any response to treat them the same. I think we have all had horrible familly drama at some point but with all families you have your highs and lows. I limit my contact with my SIL as she has been cruel to me however I will be telling them that we are expecting as I don't think them finding out the way I found out about their baby is fair. It honestly sounds like to me that you made up your mind before you posted....

I don't agree with this at all. I think it's perfectly okay to not have a relationship with people that make you unhappy, even if they are related to you. I would be cordial at family get-togethers but if OP's SIL is really as horrible as OP says, I wouldn't have any contact with her unless it was absolutely necessary. Personally, I wouldn't give your MIL a directive either way. If she tells her she tells her if not...she'll find out when you pop out another kid.

ETA because I read OP's second post...bitch sounds crazy and I would totally stay away. Who has time for that shit?

hollowway · November 2014

Well in that case, I vote you crash her precious dinner, with cake and balloons and announce your pregnancy... but thats just me.

UTMissy · November 2014

bosco213 said:

UTMissy said:

Heres the thing, no matter how you feel about her or what she's done to you, she's family. You are stuck with her. We can't always explain why people act poorly but that doesn't justify any response to treat them the same. I think we have all had horrible familly drama at some point but with all families you have your highs and lows. I limit my contact with my SIL as she has been cruel to me however I will be telling them that we are expecting as I don't think them finding out the way I found out about their baby is fair. It honestly sounds like to me that you made up your mind before you posted....

I don't agree with this at all. I think it's perfectly okay to not have a relationship with people that make you unhappy, even if they are related to you. I would be cordial at family get-togethers but if OP's SIL is really as horrible as OP says, I wouldn't have any contact with her unless it was absolutely necessary. Personally, I wouldn't give your MIL a directive either way. If she tells her she tells her if not...she'll find out when you pop out another kid.

ETA because I read OP's second post...bitch sounds crazy and I would totally stay away. Who has time for that shit?

I wasn't saying she should be BFF's with her. But she can't cut her out completely as family doesn't go away no matter if you want them to or not. No need to make an already horrible situation even worse.

bosco213 · November 2014

UTMissy said:

bosco213 said:

UTMissy said:

Heres the thing, no matter how you feel about her or what she's done to you, she's family. You are stuck with her. We can't always explain why people act poorly but that doesn't justify any response to treat them the same. I think we have all had horrible familly drama at some point but with all families you have your highs and lows. I limit my contact with my SIL as she has been cruel to me however I will be telling them that we are expecting as I don't think them finding out the way I found out about their baby is fair. It honestly sounds like to me that you made up your mind before you posted....

I don't agree with this at all. I think it's perfectly okay to not have a relationship with people that make you unhappy, even if they are related to you. I would be cordial at family get-togethers but if OP's SIL is really as horrible as OP says, I wouldn't have any contact with her unless it was absolutely necessary. Personally, I wouldn't give your MIL a directive either way. If she tells her she tells her if not...she'll find out when you pop out another kid.

ETA because I read OP's second post...bitch sounds crazy and I would totally stay away. Who has time for that shit?

I wasn't saying she should be BFF's with her. But she can't cut her out completely as family doesn't go away no matter if you want them to or not. No need to make an already horrible situation even worse.

Why can't she cut her out completely? If someone was nasty to my child, I would cut them out without hesitation. I wouldn't speak with her or engage with her in any way.

UTMissy · November 2014

bosco213 said:
Why can't she cut her out completely? If someone was nasty to my child, I would cut them out without hesitation. I wouldn't speak with her or engage with her in any way.

From personal experiance, it isn't that easy and only causes pain for other family members. No matter how nasty she is, she is stil her MIL's child which yes, causes pain to see her children fighting. Poor parenting on her SIL's part and lack of gift giving does not equal being nasty to her child either which is all that I've read happening unless I missed something.

amc1087 · November 2014

I don't have advice, just wanting to commiserate. I too have a sometimes difficult sister-in-law and I know how hard it can be to be annoyed but simultaneously want to keep the peace in the family. Hope you're able to work it out or stop letting her get to you!

(Edited to get rid of a personal story that I decided I didn't want on the internet.)

hpoff33 · November 2014

RWPhoenix said:

Okay, some clarification. SIL has always been mean and jealous (according to whole family). When DH and I were getting married, she said that she was not going to come because DH had supposedly made her feel unwelcome. She streches the truth to fit what she sees fit. SIL has three children (two adopted and her youngest natural). When she was pregnant with the third I was very kind to her and offered to watch the older two kids if she ever needed a day off. We also gave her a very nice gift when the baby was born. Her seocnd child had their confirmation around the time I was about to give birth to DD, but again we made sure to send a gift (money and a bracelet). Neither time did we get a thank you and every Christmas we make sure to get the kids a little gift and she gives us (and now DD) nothing in return. DH says she has always been bitter and no one can figure out why. We have tried everything in the kill her with kindness route and her attitude does not change. She even had the guts to insult my mom to my face because she felt my mom was not helping with child care enough (DD is watched by my mom, sometimes by my ILs, and day care). My mom watches her 90% of the time. I told my SIL this and even went over the calendar with her and she just shouted at me that it was not the same and stormed off. We were not invited for Thanksgiving because my DH apparently made some crack behind her back when she was storming off. I was standing right there, DH had not said anything. She loves the drama and to be honest I am done playing her little games.

She sounds crazy and my gut reaction is to say cut her out. The only area where I might feel some conflict is the kids. Do you want to remain a part of their life for as much as you can be? We don't have drama with my SIL, but there are some issues. However, we always think of the impact anything we say or do would have on our niece, who we adore.

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