So...what happened to the "Regrets" post?

ball.and.chain · November 2014

I was working on a reply and then it disappeared.

firstcomeslove2013 · November 2014

She asked for it to be deleted and honestly it was making me sick to my stomach. I didn't feel that emotionally it was fair to the group, she asked for it to be deleted and so I deleted it.

JGY · November 2014

Cliff notes? I'm not used to drama around here, but can't help myself but wonder ...

KH826 · November 2014

Basically someone posted that she and her partner had planned to get pregnant for quite a while, thinking that it was something that they both wanted. They used a known donor. On the second ICI, the poster got pregnant. She was newly pregnant (4 weeks, I think she said - so just found out), and had immediate regret about the pregnancy. Seemed like she and her partner were having other communication issues as well, but overall they both felt strongly that they no longer wanted the pregnancy. She was discussing termination. She wanted support and input about telling her parents (who knew she was pregnant already) and the donor and his wife that they decided to terminate, if that is what they ended up doing (seemed that is what they were leaning towards).... there was a bit of back and forth with folks suggesting adoption options, etc., but it seemed the poster was pretty set on terminating the pregnancy.

That's what I took from all of it... if anyone thinks I misrepresented, please correct me.

mrs&mrsk · November 2014

im glad she asked that it be deleted- either way she decides, she will probably regret posting it down the line.

JGY · November 2014

Wow, yikes. Tough position to be in if it wasn't spam.

Thanks @KH826!

ball.and.chain · November 2014

Fair enough. I can understand her desire to have it deleted.

Because I had already written this to the poster and because it differs from what others posted and because I wouldn't be surprised if the poster is still lurking, I'm going to post my reply to her here anyway.

I'm wondering if you are just having a really extreme case of cold feet. For most of my life I too did not envision myself having children, and it took me a long time to decide that it was something I wanted. Once I did get pregnant, I definitely had a few "OMG what are we doing" moments. And while someone else describes those moments as "nervous but excited," mine were more scared. I was afraid we'd done something we would regret, that we wouldn't like being parents, that it would make us miserable. Now the difference is that for me those were just individual moments of fear; most of the time I was thrilled to be pregnant. But that was after two and a half years of trying, so it's possible that if I'd gotten pregnant earlier and had less time to get used to the idea, my reaction might have been different. Honestly, even the day we went to the hospital for my induction, I cried because I was so scared of coming home with a baby and being miserable. I cried because -- I am not joking -- my cat's life was going to change! This from a person who really, really wanted a kid and went through a lot to have one. I attribute a lot of this to hormones, but as a pregnant woman you are dealing with your own batch of hormones too right now. Before you get too comfortable with the idea of termination, I would sit down with your wife and that therapist and really talk things out and explore whether you truly do not want a child or you are just really, really anxious about the idea of having a child. I am glad you have already decided to seek counseling.

That said, I don't necessarily believe that having an unwanted child is good for anyone. Do I think you should have figured that out before you tried to get pregnant? Sure, but you realize that now too. Given the situation you are in, I don't think it's unreasonable to terminate the pregnancy if you are absolutely SURE you do not want a child. But you don't need a stamp of approval from anyone here. You have to do what is right for your family, and we can't decide that for you. Your therapist should be able to help you come to that decision with your wife.

I do want to point out that people change their minds. Straight people get pregnant accidentally all the time, and they often carry those pregnancies to term -- and sometimes find out that being a parent is awesome and they love it, despite their initial misgivings. I know lots of people who were iffy about having kids, but I don't know anyone who went through with it who regrets having those kids. And as for me, after the initial anxiety and a little bit of adjustment during the newborn period, I'm happy to say that I love being a mom to our 4m old son and I'm thrilled we had him. Given that you did decide at some point, with your wife, that you wanted to have kids together, it doesn't seem impossible that this would be the case for you.

I wish you strength in making your decision.

Jazibel · November 2014

Thanks @ball.and.chain and everyone who replied initially. I had just read the original, went to grab my laptop to type up a reply and it had vanished. I'm always to amazed with the amount of wisdom and compassion that imbues this community. Even when faced with some really unsettling topics.

I agree with much of what was written originally and what was written above. And wanted to only add, that I think when large life changes are looming that it is easy to vacillate between different thoughts and feelings. I know that I had fears around getting married, fears around becoming a parent. Heck there are days I look at my life today and think "what have I done????" But those are definitely the exception rather than the rule. I'm assuming that when you embarked on the journey of starting a family a lot of different daydreams, conversations, wishes, fears, etc. emerge over that time. I would discuss both the positive and negative things you may once have felt - even if they feel foreign now. I don't think that years worth of sentiments can just "disappear" and I would likely look at the last few days as the anomaly. When talking to a friend who was deciding on whether or not to start TTC, I encouraged her to envision how she wanted her life to look in all the large and small details. And to look beyond babies, toddlers and school children, to picture herself and her husband with grown children, grandchildren, etc. She opted out (at least for now) and its the right decision for her. Only you and your partner will know what you want from your whole lifetime together (and potentially as a family). Again I wouldn't discount the decisions you have made so far, because of hormone induced fears. However I do recommend seeing a therapist to find a decision that you can live with happily for the rest of your life. I realize it sounds like I'm against termination - I'm not. But I would hate for you to make a decision and 6 months from now regret it.

bfonz619 · November 2014

firstcomeslove2013 said:

She asked for it to be deleted and honestly it was making me sick to my stomach. I didn't feel that emotionally it was fair to the group, she asked for it to be deleted and so I deleted it.

I think you made a great decision and am really glad you deleted the post. It was awful to read.

JGY · November 2014

@ball.and.chain @jazibel >:D<

valeriegp · November 2014

I was also going to reply with something similar to what @ball.and.chain and @jazibel said, and I wondered too if it was just extreme cold feet and emotions and, for the woman carrying, hormones. There were definitely times when I was pregnant when I seriously doubted the decision, just because it is so overwhelming. And there are times now when I wonder what we were thinking. But I think that is normal for a lot (most?) people. And I am madly in love with my son and the little family we've made, and every day, no matter how horrible a day I've had, when I walk through that door and he runs up and hugs my legs, it is all worth it.

The original post just made me really sad. It was clear that they were in a really bad place, and honestly, I just wanted to hug her.

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