How much attention do you give your kid(s)?

kleigh926 · November 2014

I feel like DD demands a lot of attention and that part of the problem is that she has been given a lot of attention from day one. She was the first grandchild on both sides and our first child, obviously. But it's to the point that I feel guilty if I take much time out of the day to do household chores or get a quick break myself if she's awake. If I take 10 minutes to check TB, for example, she will either fuss and demand to be sitting on my lap, or just kinda stand around not really doing anything in the living room, like she's just waiting for me to be done to play with her again. She doesn't even want to get books or toys by herself and bring them out to me, she always wants me to come with her to get them.

I do think it's important to set aside time everyday specifically to play with your kids, but how much do you consider to be enough? I think I am putting too much pressure on myself to constantly entertain her and I feel bad if it seems like I'm "ignoring" her and doing something else. I know I've posted similar things before... I guess I'm just thinking about it again because having another kid obviously adds to the workload (and, let's face it, the need for a break every now and then) but I want to make sure I'm adequately balancing kid time, chore time, and me time.

fignewt74 · November 2014

I think this is notoriously a first-child thing. You said it best - I feel like DD demands a lot of attention and that part of the problem is that she has been given a lot of attention from day one. She was the first grandchild on both sides and our first child, obviously.

I was the same way with DS1, but DH was different. I will never forgot one morning I came downstairs, DS1 was playing on the floor and DH was sitting on the couch reading the paper. I said "why are you ignoring him? stop reading the paper and play with your son!" DH looked at him, then said to me "he's fine. he's playing by himself. he doesn't need to be constantly entertained." And I realized in that moment he was right. But it took him saying it to me to "get it" and I'm glad he did. Because honestly, DS1 has always been pretty good at entertaining himself, especially for a first child

kelly321 · November 2014

I would say that in the 3 hour chunk I have with them on a weekday afternoon, I spend about 2 hours interacting with them and the other part reading while they play next to me, trying to work (rarely successful) while they play around me, or doing chores. The chores - sorry, the kids are just SOL if I have to do laundry or clean the kitchen. If I'm just reading, then I let myself be interrupted more easily.

However, on the weekend when both DH and I need to get things done and we have them all day, then there's less interaction, I think.

Different kids are different, though.

Oh- something to look forward to - a couple of weeks ago, the DDs disappeared upstairs to DD1's room to play, and they played on their own without fighting or destroying anything for 45 MINUTES!!! DH and I were at a bit of a loss as to what to do with ourselves!

Rynleigh · November 2014

I have four, and I work full time. I have been a working parent since day one. I spend a lot of time with my kids when I am not working, but there has always been a high expectation for independence. My kids are expected to be able to "self soothe / self entertain" for reasonable periods of time... like, long enough for me to make dinner or take a shower. There is no instruction manual for how much time my kids *must* have one on one, or as a group, with me. There is no minimum requirement for how much dependence or independence they have at any given moment. I want my kids to be able to be content without my constant interaction, and I don't want them to be (or to feel) neglected.

Since you are already in a stage where she has the expectation for constant stimulation, it might be helpful to start having a transition where you start leaving her to briefly play while you aren't actually engaged in something else, by leaving the room for five minutes at a time here and there. Let her grow accustomed to just playing independently. Start making a game of having her go retrieve things for you, rather than with you (i.e., "Can you go get your shoes for me?", "Can you find the red ball for me?", "Go get the Train book!"), so that she can get into the habit of finding things on her own in a more transitional way than just suddenly being expected to independently discover that she can do those things by herself and still enjoy it. Simon is really starting to get into sorting, stacking, and puzzles, and likes to do those by himself without brother or sisters. Those sorts of games may be good tools for self entertaining.

djm31012 · November 2014

I work full time and currently DS is my only, so my situation is definitely different. However, I donate all of my free time to him during the week. I do everything else after he goes to bed. I actually just posted on the working moms board about being more efficient meal planning so I dont have to cook much during the week...but like tonight in the 10 min it takes me to make the spinach quesadillas, he will play by himself. It may be daycare, but DS is good at entertaining himself in 10-15 min increments. If you really need time to yourself..there is nothing wrong with throwing on the TV. I am not above it...its about survival and you shouldnt feel guilty. Maybe more 10-15 increments of time will teach her to entertain herself better? Not sure if thats a learned skill or a personality trait....

djm31012 · November 2014

I would also add similar to @Sagen that I incorporate DS everywhere I can. I need to throw in laundry, he helps me put the clothes in the washer. I am cooking he sits at my feet and plays in the tupperware drawer. So I think that kind of stuff helps...If you need to do something on the computer, maybe get her a toy computer and place her in the chair next to you so she is doing what you are doing.

lbonga1 · November 2014

I think it depends a lot on the kid's personality. My DD is a lot like yours; she constantly wants to be attached to my hip. Even if I try to leave her to do things by herself, she comes over to "check in with me" periodically. Like, if I take her to the play area at the mall, she runs around for like 5 minutes, then runs back over to me and waves or hugs my legs or something of that sort. Then she runs off and plays again. If we're at home, she usually follows me around the house to "help" with what I'm doing. I tell FI to play with her so I can have a break sometimes, but he complains that she doesn't like playing with him. 8-|

wifeofadam · November 2014

fignewt74 said:

I think this is notoriously a first-child thing. You said it best - I feel like DD demands a lot of attention and that part of the problem is that she has been given a lot of attention from day one. She was the first grandchild on both sides and our first child, obviously.

This is so true. I feel like I only had this problem until #2 was old enough to play well with the oldest. Once they could play together, I had no more trouble trying to find time to myself. This is why I always say that in some ways, having one is WAY harder than having a bunch.

To answer your question, I feel like I give my kids a TON of attention. I purpose to spend time every day with each of the kids playing something. DD2 is still nursing, so my one-on-one time with her is usually that time - fifteen minutes here and there throughout the day to sit on the couch and sing to her while she drinks her milk. If you add up all of that nursing time, she gets quite a bit of my attention to herself. For the older kids I try to play at least one board game a day with them, plus there is reading books to them, or doing schoolwork - it helps that we homeschool. I think that my kids get a lot more of my attention each day simply because they are with me all day every day.

Really, though, I feel like I get quite a bit of time to myself every day. The kids play really well together. I can do big projects like canning or sewing and get quite a bit done without interruption. The kids have learned to do their own thing and come to me if they need my help.

I guess my advice is to hang in there. It gets better. The phase you are in right now is the very toughest and it will only get easier as #2 gets older. And then, if you ever have more kids, it will never be this difficult again when it comes to entertaining the oldest. The first two will be little buddies that keep each other entertained while you get to hang out with baby #3 in peace

tamarar5 · November 2014

I agree it must kind of be a first child thing. Dd1 is so like this.

mishka29 · November 2014

Yeah DD is the same, not big on self entertainment. She's slowly getting better but I'm sure any progress will be gone once DD2 arrives.

mishka29 · November 2014

luxannie said:

DS needs to know where his people are at all times.

I honestly don't know that I've ever left him alone for a minute. The only way I could use the computer or look at my phone with him awake and in the house is a) he's watching a TV show of his choosing, or b) I allow him to participate.

I seriously have no clue how I could get anything done while he's awake. Hence my weekends are spent entertaining him rather than cleaning the house or prepping food for the week.

Is this my failing or his personality? Who knows. It's exhausting is what it is.

This is what I wonder all the time. But I think some kids just like more attention especially at this age. I've tried to get DD to play more on her own but it mostly doesn't work because she will come and grab your hand and pull you over.

lc&jw · November 2014

I kind of have the expectation that I should be entertaining them constantly, but it's just not possible, and the reality is that it's important for kids to learn to entertain themselves and play independently. My kids come up with some really cool creative things on their own when I'm not playing with them, because then the play is 100% child-directed. They think to do things that I would not. This morning I found 4 play eggs neatly stacked in each of the diaper bag pockets.

I frequently feel like I'm neglecting the kids when I'm cleaning up breakfast in the morning and getting myself ready for the day. But I have to do those things and they always seem to take longer than I would like. My children are thriving though. I think quality is more important than quantity. Even if my morning tasks take a while, I still make time afterward to sit and read, color, or play with them.

Both DD and DS can now entertain themselves for 15-20 minutes at a time, if not longer. There are certainly times though when they are very needy and hungry for our attention, dinnertime being a consistent high need time. Also, when they're playing independently, they might still come find me periodically for a quick kiss or to show me something, but then they'll go back to playing.

Our society has become very child-centered, and it's easy to put pressure on ourselves to be attending to our kids constantly. That doesn't necessarily make them or us better adjusted though. Just my 2 cents.

TarheelMama202 · November 2014

lc&jw said:
Our society has become very child-centered, and it's easy to put pressure on ourselves to be attending to our kids constantly. That doesn't necessarily make them or us better adjusted though. Just my 2 cents.

This exactly. We live in a society where we are told that in order to be a good parent, we constantly need to be in the floor with our children, probing, naming, and engaging. While of course all of that is beneficial, I think we often overdo it.

I give DS a lot of attention. I'm at home with him during the day and attend graduate courses at night. But I think he absolutely has to learn to entertain himself for periods of time. And he does. I don't think I realized the importance of that until I read "Simplicity Parenting" and starting taking DS to Waldorf school.

I think sometimes we are quick to jump in to children's play when they really just need time to play by themselves and learn to cope with different situations on their own. I will sometimes say to DS, "Can you go play with your blocks/ read a book? Mommy needs to clean up the kitchen." And he trots into the living room and does it.

Again, I'm not sure if this is his personality or my doing or a combination of both, but I can't stress how valuable it is for him to be able to play on his own for a few minutes.

kleigh926 · November 2014

Thanks for all your input. I think it's just hard for me to figure out exactly how much interaction DD actually needs/should have vs. what she wants. She can play by herself, but doesn't like to and I find myself trying to rush through things sometimes so that she can have attention again when I'm done. I think I need to cool it a bit and not feel so pressured to keep her entertained all the time. I'm home all day with them and we visit my parents and IL's several times a week, so I'm sure she gets plenty of attention and doesn't actually need me to be constantly playing with her. Time for her to learn she can play by herself sometimes.

kelly321 · November 2014

Btw, I also really enjoyed Simplicity Parenting, the book Tarheel mentioned. I need to read it again soon, I think.

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