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Really need advice..

staceeyyystaceeyyy member
in Babies: 0 - 3 Months
I hope this is in the right place..

My partner and I have been together for almost two years and we have a beautiful 8 week old baby girl. He was so brilliant and helpful with her the first few weeks, but lately he never seems to pay any attention to her or offer any help. He works full time and his hours are constantly changing so I understand that he can be quite busy and stressed with work but all he ever seems to do when he comes home is play video games or watch movies before sleeping until it's time to go to work again. During the day I'm doing everything for our daughter and at night I'm lucky enough that she sleeps right through so I use that time to eat and clean the house, maybe sleep an hour or two if I can. When I ask him to feed or change her he usually does it with a bottle in one hand and his phone in the other watching a movie of some sort. When baby cries and he can't hear his movie he gets so annoyed and uptight about it and I've caught him a few times shouting and swearing at her, telling her to shut up that he doesn't know what she wants and handing her back to me saying that he gives up. This is usually only after minutes of crying when there are times I have to console her for hours on end. My HV has even told me not to leave her alone with him which at the moment I don't think I could leave her with anybody I'm so attached and protective. I've tried talking to him and explaining how serious it is to keep your cool when baby cries but he doesn't seem to think much of it. Instead he moans about not having a social life and needing time to himself away from us and the house. I love him and I know he would never do anything to hurt either of us, I'm just concerned that he doesn't seem to think any of this is a big deal. Would anyone have any advice on what to do?
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Re: Really need advice..

  • Ahlome08Ahlome08 member
    DH is kind of the same way: he doesn't help much, unless I nag him to, and when he does, he gets frustrated easily. I'm just dealing with it, and hoping that he'll feel more able to help when LO is a little older. I think he just feels helpless because I'm at home with DS all day, and he thinks I calm him down better--I don't, I am just used to his fussiness.
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  • jac409jac409 member
    I'm sorry you are going through this. Question for you...when DH is doing things for LO, do you try to tell him what to do/how to do it? When I do that to my DH, he gets frustrated and just hands the baby back to me to deal with. He does not want to be micromanaged and wants to figure things out himself. Sometimes that is frustrating for me, but I have had to learn to back off and let him do things his way, even if his way isn't my way. I don't know if this is part of your issue or not, but I thought I would mention it. I tend to get a lot more help out of him if I let him do things his way, without suggestions or too many directions.
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  • GaGaGhanoushGaGaGhanoush member
    I couldn't agree more. As a new dad to a 10 week old, it's quite frustrating to come home from work and deal with a screaming child(sometimes) and tired wife(all the time). Our compromise: if she can suffer during the week, she can sleep in Saturday and Sunday. Of course, I still kinda help during the week.

    I'm an early early riser, hence I'm posting this at 3:20am here in the Netherlands. It's easier for me to do the redeye shift and left my wife sleep, then head off to work.

    Don't get me wrong. My wife and I have had our fair share of arguing throughout this whole experience. 

    Iguess the takeaway from this whole experience is that women are attentive to virtually all of the child's needs whereas guys, well, we kinda just want to make sure he just stays alive, and play mommy's pincushion.

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  • RedBaramidRedBaramid member
    I have broken down and cried and begged my baby to shut the efff up several times.  I can't judge someone who has a moment of weakness and swears and needs to pass off a baby. 

    My DH has been toeing the line where your partner seems to be though.. He was thrilled about her, he adored her, we fought over baby cuddle time.  Now I have to pull him out of bed, beg him to help me, and I've actually turned off the internet to get him to stop playing video games.

    I think the difference is that I know what's happening with my DH, and you seem to be in the dark.  He and I had to break down and talk when he started pulling away because I was still struggling with PPD and drowning.  What it came down to was him being exhausted by work, exhausted by me, and exhausted by fatherhood.. and then I found out that he turned down a few fun travel opportunities to stay home and play daddy. He's been really bummed out. I think you guys probably need to just TALK.  There may be things he isn't telling you because he's afraid you can't handle it right now.  Also, two years doesn't mean anything in a relationship, but maturity and readiness means a LOT.  Just because he cares about a baby doesn't mean that he was necessarily READY for parenthood.. he may be grieving what he perceives as all the adventures he was going to have before having a child. He could have felt ready through your pregnancy and now that baby is here, and the brand-newness has worn off, be having doubts and struggling.

    tl;dr Your partner isn't a bad person, but it does sound like some communication needs to happen so you can get some help, and you can understand why he seems so reluctant to help.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • laxin31laxin31 member
    One rule in our house is we get our time. My mom told us you need to get away sometimes. So my dh and I have set time for ourselves. He goes hunting and I get to run errands or what I want to do when we set that time. It allows us to reset ourselves. It's not an everyday thing. He goes hunting on Friday evenings and I get my Sundays. It's nice to get away and do things for ourselves or even things we need to do alone. It had helped keep our moods better to have something like that to look forward to.
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  • staceeyyystaceeyyy member
    jac409 said:

    I'm sorry you are going through this. Question for you...when DH is doing things for LO, do you try to tell him what to do/how to do it? When I do that to my DH, he gets frustrated and just hands the baby back to me to deal with. He does not want to be micromanaged and wants to figure things out himself. Sometimes that is frustrating for me, but I have had to learn to back off and let him do things his way, even if his way isn't my way. I don't know if this is part of your issue or not, but I thought I would mention it. I tend to get a lot more help out of him if I let him do things his way, without suggestions or too many directions.

    At the start it was him hovering over me telling me how to do things as I have had little to no experience with babies whatsoever whereas he has 9 nieces and nephews and has helped some what or another with them all. The only time I have stepped in when he's feeding or changing her is recently when he had his laptop propped beside her head with the volume up loud and I've asked him to turn it off or at least turn it down as she was clearly distressed by the loud noise and was fussing over her bottle. He just claimed that she likes it and has to get used to it.

    I spoke to him about everything and he apologised but other than that it seems to have gone in one ear and out the other. Yesterday he came in from a 9 hour shift and then left within minutes saying he had to help a collegues with some management training. When I asked for help with the baby he simply said "or I could go and help (insert name here), she needs me more".

    He and his mother also seem to have this desperate urge for me to sleep all of the time. I sleep a couple of hours at night but no matter how tired I am I cannot sleep during the day. I have always suffered with sleep problems and so have learnt how to deal with it, but lately his mother is persistent on taking the baby while I sleep even though I'm not tired and it's far too early to be leaving the baby with anybody, even if it is for an hour or two. Tonight my partner was heading out to see his sister who we both haven't seen in weeks and when I was getting the pram ready to go with him he got angry and told me to go to bed and I wasn't allowed to join him. :/
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