Need some sort of advice..

[Deleted User] · November 2014

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MandMLeona · November 2014

I have a similarly financially incompetent and emotionally abusive MIL. The biggest problem with her is that while you are talking to her she manages to make is sound so reasonable. It's only when you step back and think about what came out of her mouth that you realize how bsc she is. So any time my husband starts a turn around in his attitude toward her I just start asking questions. What is she up to? How's she doing? How's your sister doing? Have you talked to your sister?...etc. As he answers them I'll act confused and ask if I am not remembering things correctly...but didn't she say the exact opposite before. Basically, I never make comments about her...I lead him to remember on his own. That way it's his idea when he stops talking to her again.

Luckily, MIL lives 12 hours away. So I always get some notice before visits and can prep him.

My guess is that your MIL has managed to make the rift between them is a problem that your DH can fix. Probably even went as far as to convince him that she needs him to fix it. Men love to be needed and play mister fix it. You have to find a way to remind him that there is no fixing some things...or at least what needs to be fixed is the influences on your child.

Just a note: I found the more I pointed out what I didn't like about DH's upbringing (and there is a lot) the more he would turn that in wards and make it a judgement of himself like he had done something wrong to cause his bad childhood. Totally not true...but that's where his mind would go. That's why I do my best to stick to questions only.

kaitm22 · November 2014

This might sound extreme, and probably expensive. If he really wont listen to you at all and you feel she is that bad of an influence, possibly marriage counseling or a mediator for you to get it in the open and get another opinion in that hopefully he will trust?

I would be freaking out and Im not sure what I would do if DH wouldn't see reason. My MIL is nothing compared to yours but some days she seems that way. DH tried to call his dad on Saturday and MIL picked up and told him that she needs "quality time" with the baby. Um, we just visited with you twice in a week and you were obnoxious the whole time. I have no interest in letting you babysit, so what the hell do you want?

[Deleted User] · November 2014

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[Deleted User] · November 2014

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Luciana428 · November 2014

You are being completely rational. If you do agree to let her back in to your life, short visits in your home completely supervised may be the way to go. Besides, it sounds like it won't take long for her to show your husband who she really is. Sorry you even have to consider her at all!

bumpuser10150228 · November 2014

Holy crap that's awful. MH is estranged from his mother or I might have stories of my own. All I can say is I agree with you and I'm sorry you have to deal with this! Stay strong.

amj1053 · November 2014

I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of this! I would definitely put my foot down about the whole babysitting thing and tell him absolutely not as long as she continues to have this behavior. Tell him that y'all can visit with her but that LO is not to be alone with her. I also think it would be beneficial for you two to sit down and talk to someone like a marriage counselor. Sometimes hearing it from an outside source can help it sink in better.

jenniferurs · November 2014

You're not being irrational at all. I've complained about my MIL before, and after this latest incident, we instituted a one month "probation" period, where we decided that we wouldn't speak to her for a month (which would hopefully serve as a wake up call). Well, lo and behold, DH reached out to her before so much as two weeks was up. I asked him what he was doing and reminded him about our plan and the reasons behind it, but I think what really got through to him was asking him if he thought she had changed. When he said no, I think he realized that she was going to keep making our lives miserable, and the only way to make her change in the future was to do something drastic now. Basically, I framed it as us helping her to be in our lives more in the future, rather than this being an end game that was going to result in her being gone forever. When I reminded him about all of the things that have happened over the course of the last year and how talking to her and expressing our concerns alone didn't bring about change, he got back on board with not speaking to her until we could see that changes were being made.

IceHide61313 · November 2014

While I agree with you, I just want you to know it is much easier said than done. It is easy for the one not being hurt (you in this case) to say 'just cut them out' but the one (your dh) that actually has to actually follow through with it longs for the relationship they wish they had or could have. They always wish that person would change for the better. At least that has been my experience. I'm sure my DH has wanted to tell me to cut my mom out multiple times. It is very hard to make that decision and to stick with it when you feel like you can fix it.

shevaCC · November 2014

I'm sorry about everyone's crazy ILs! Mine aren't bad but MIL doesn't take DD's life-threatening peanut allergy seriously so they won't babysit until DD can read labels and make rational decisions herself (ie a really long time). But in all things having to do with my ILs I've learned over the years that it's much better to let DH come to his own conclusions or he'll get defensive. Sometimes I can't even agree with something he says himself. I can however present the evidence and usually he'll come to a conclusion I can agree with. The more I meddle the less I help

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