Baby Shower Drama

Vanbursl · November 2014

I just need to rant for a minute. I have a wonderful husband and I am not really sure how he got this way. He was raised by one of the most self absorbed women I have ever met. She has been a constant pain in the butt. I am so nice to her. I go out of my way to include her in things and try so hard to get her to like me or at least respect me. She just has a thing for shoving her foot in her mouth. The week of my wedding after she invited a person who wasn't invited and for very good reasons. I exspressed to her I felt what she did to my and my husband was super disrespectful. She then proceeded to tell me how horrible I am, how I am not part of her family, how I need to get over myself, how this wedding isn't about us it's about her and her family and she doesn't care what I think. she told be I was ruining her family, over sensitive, and over dramatic. Well bbaby shower time rolls around and she invites none of my friends, she held it on a Monday night cause it works best for her. None of my family could come or my husband dads side. It was a bunch of people I don't know and the two people that I do know felt so uncomfortable they left. She wore a sash and made a big production about being a grandma. I got sat in a corner and ignored by everyone. I tried to approach people but they were rude to me and would talk to me. She yelled at me for not introducing myself and I tried. I feel like I can't win, my friends are starting to second guess my marriage. My family feels so bad they want to throw me a third baby shower so my husband dads family can come. It's just sad, I know this post is super long and I am sorry but I had to let it out. I don't know what I have done wrong.

mikeyboyandjessiegirl · November 2014

That.... Is an extremely unfortunate situation. :-/ I'm truly sorry that you have to go through this!! But maybe you just shouldn't anymore. You should have nice, positive feelings toward her from a distance and be civil, but under no circumstance should you put yourself in a position to be hurt.

if she said you aren't family, remind her of that and as a consequence you won't be readily available to be ridiculed and put down!

YaMrWhite · November 2014

Um does your husband put up with this kind of behavior from his mom?

MusicFanatic · November 2014

YaMrWhite said:

Um does your husband put up with this kind of behavior from his mom?

And does he ever stick up for you? And talk to his mom and tell her to quit being such a hateful wench?

Yikes, sorry you have to deal with that. I wouldn't deal with it, period. I wouldn't make it a point to be near her, really. Ever.

kellyfo14 · November 2014

Oh my! That is just terrible! I know you said something about your family having a third shower, was this your second? Was the first a shower with family and friends? It's amazing how childish and nasty some adults can be. It is hard to believe anyone could accept that behavior unless of course she has been bad mouthing you to all of these people she invited. What a way to ruin someone's day.

misslizzy82 · November 2014

Why are your friends second guessing your marriage? Just because of your MIL? Or because your H doesn't stick up for you? I would never second guess a friends marriage because her MIL was a witch.

moonfaerie · November 2014

That really does suck, and I wouldn't be around her anymore, either. Your H needs to tell her to get a personality makeover or she can't be a part of your life. if he wants to continue to see her, he'll have to do it separately, away from your home. Sorry she sucks so much.

longcat07 · November 2014

pretty much what everyone else has said. there's no mention of your husband in your post other than to say that he's wonderful somehow. does he stick up for you at all? his mother, his territory. i would tell him that you will not be talking to her anymore, and she is his problem from here on out, until she can start acting like a human being. if you're not part of the family according to her, than neither is your child...and if your husband can't support you there, it sounds like you might need some couples counselling to get on the same page.

Disneygeek77 · November 2014

You need to focus your anger towards your husband not your MIL. None of this would matter if he truly had your back.

Pips09 · November 2014

Where is your H in all this? I would not tolerate being treated like that, MIL or not. I would stop seeing her.

TXUltraRunner · November 2014

I hate to be a bitch (oh who am I kidding) but you knew it would be super awkward and weird, you should have said no when she said she was throwing you one. You really can't complain when someone throws you a party and you get free gifts. Sure she sounds like she sucks but you knew how bad she was and you agreed to it.

babyzap20 · November 2014

Sorry this may seem mean or whatever, but, why would you put yourself in that position? I would have said screw off and not gone to the shower. No one should be treated like that and I would definitely put your foot down now before LO arrives. I would tell her "you play by mama's rules" and be done. @TXUltraRunner gets it.

Vanbursl · November 2014

Thank you everyone for your advise! The hard thing is I have distanced myself from her. Since the wedding I have been keeping her at a distance. She confronted my Husband about it and he just replied with why do you ask is it a guilty conscious? Have you done anything that would keep her away? When he asked her this she just didn't respond. The baby shower was the first event I had seen her at in a month. It just seemed like she built up anger and let it go. My husband is wonderful and stands up for me but she doesn't even care what he says. We have been trying to figure out a way to address the baby and what we exspect from people. She just over steps all the time. She just assumes she will be in the L&D to. I just don't want to be disrespectful. I don't know how to go about putting my foot down?

babyzap20 · November 2014

She CLEARLY has no respect for you. So why on God's green earth do you feel some allegiance to her? Just because she is your MIL?

Psh nope. I would tell her she can come around when she can act right.

TXUltraRunner · November 2014

Vanbursl said:

I don't know how to go about putting my foot down?

You just do it. But if you must be passive aggressive about the labor thing, most doctors and hospitals will ask who is allowed in the room and you tell them. They then screen your visitors for you. But you're going to have to stand up for yourself and your child many times in life. Now is the time to learn how. You just open your mouth and you just say the word NO. It's actually quite liberating.

YaMrWhite · November 2014

TXUltraRunner said:

Vanbursl said:

I don't know how to go about putting my foot down?

You just do it. But if you must be passive aggressive about the labor thing, most doctors and hospitals will ask who is allowed in the room and you tell them. They then screen your visitors for you. But you're going to have to stand up for yourself and your child many times in life. Now is the time to learn how. You just open your mouth and you just say the word NO. It's actually quite liberating.

Just put it down. Don't think about it and just put the foot down. Otherwise, you will be dealing with this FOREVER.

misslizzy82 · November 2014

TXUltraRunner said:

Vanbursl said:

I don't know how to go about putting my foot down?

You just do it. But if you must be passive aggressive about the labor thing, most doctors and hospitals will ask who is allowed in the room and you tell them. They then screen your visitors for you. But you're going to have to stand up for yourself and your child many times in life. Now is the time to learn how. You just open your mouth and you just say the word NO. It's actually quite liberating.

This ^

And I still don't understand why your friends would be questioning your marriage.

Disneygeek77 · November 2014

Well, it seems whatever your husband is doing isn't working so he needs to step it up. That means being blunt, honest and direct. For example, with the shower he should not have asked her if she has a guilty conscience. He should have been honest and said " Mom, you were rude and mean to her at our wedding. If you want to spend time with her you will have to start being kind and polite. I will not tolerate you treating her any other way. End of discussion." She starts to argue with him ? He once again says this is the end of the discussion and hangs up / leave.

As for you, you also need to be honest and direct. She wants to be in the labor room ? You say " No, we will not be having any more people in the delivery room." She starts to argue with you ? You say " Please do not ask to be in the delivery room any more. It as already been decided and I do not want to discuss it anymore. If you choose to bring it up, I will hang up / leave." Then hold on to your promise.

Here's the thing with boundaries. The burden isn't on others to respect them, the burden is on you to enforce them. So if you tell her you will hang up if she talks about it again, then yes that means hanging up on her if she tests your boundaries. You have to do this every time until she gets it. It will also mean you will have to come to terms with her being angry and upset with you too.

Vanbursl · November 2014

They just question the marriage because they don't always feel like my husband is sticking up for me. Plus I am the only married one and they don't get it. My husband is 100% on my side, his mom is awful to him to. With both have distanced ourself and he stand up for me. I think my friends just exspect him to say bye mom and let it go but I know he trying and he wants to fix it.

misslizzy82 · November 2014

I agree with @disneygeek77, you both need to be blunt with her. Don't expect her to change though.

Disneygeek77 · November 2014

Well...I mean it might just have to come to that. If she doesn't start treating you with civility, respect and politeness, then he probably should say " Bye, Mom " or at the least " We won't be spending time with you until you change your behavior." He might also have to realize that there is no way to fix it without very strong boundaries or not seeing her for a long time.

MusicFanatic · November 2014

Vanbursl said:

I just don't want to be disrespectful. I don't know how to go about putting my foot down?

You kinda lost me here, I'm sorry. I don't respect people who have zero respect for me. Respect is a two way street- family or not. Just because she's family doesn't mean she can walk on you and mistreat you.

LooneyLife · November 2014

Mamasaurus15 said:
Third shower? What was the second shower?

This is all I'm left with. The rest just hurts my eyes to read.

nmrd · November 2014

I don't understand why she wanted to throw you a shower if she doesn't consider you family. Did you or your husband ask her about this when the shower was being planned or did you just hope the problem would go away?

If she's made it clear how she feels about you and hasn't taken back what she said or apologized then it sounds like you would be better off not talking to her unless she comes around. If your husband wants to continue to have a relationship with her then that's hard, both practically and emotionally, given how she's treated you. However your husband can continue to have a relationship with her without you being involved or put into unhealthy situations.

It does seem to me like there must be more to the story but I'm not sure what. I just don't see why people would show up to this shower, bring you gifts, and then be unanimously shitty to you.

HStrawberry · November 2014

Your MIL sounds very childish and immature. I think you're going to have to treat her like one. Definitely set your boundaries and follow through. This will mean walking away or hanging up from time to time. Now is the time to stand up for yourself, it will be way harder once your LO is here. If you stand your ground now, she will realize she either needs to smarten up and show you respect or she won't have a relationship with her grandchild. It won't be easy and there will be emotional, stressful moments where it seems easier to give in but stay strong. You can do it!

Vanbursl · November 2014

Thank you everyone for your advise. My Husband and I talked a lot today and your advise helped a lot. We have decided to sit her down and explain how we feel and what we need to have change. If the change doesn't happen the the restrictions will get tighter and tighter till she gets it. We are both prepared to do this together and we will stick to our guns!

Disneygeek77 · November 2014

Good for you. Remember she will balk at your boundaries at first and will also test them. That is why you both have to be very firm. Back up what you say with action because actions speak louder than words.

Again, go into this knowing she will be very angry. That is ok. The world won't end because she is angry / upset / disappointed in you. Although she is entitled to her feelings, what matters more is having strong boundaries so you must shake off any feelings of guilt or shame.

Also when you talk to her, don't give her reasons why you made your decision. That will only give her the impression that she has a say in the matter and that it is open for discussion. Just say " We have decided _________, and are not going to discuss it anymore." If she refuses to stop, then hang up / leave.

Kayanne87 · November 2014

OP, I'm so sorry to hear about the IL stress and I hope that you and your husband can have a productive conversation with her.

I agree with PPs, you have to put your foot down and you have to be firm about how things are going to work. And that's a collective you, meaning both you and your husband.

If I could add anything else it would be in regards to the being disrespectful fear. Remember, sometimes in order for people to respect you, you have to respect yourself first. Clearly indicating what you want and how you want to be treated is not being disrespectful to the other person, it's teaching the other person how to respect you. Sadly, if your MIL doesn't listen or pretends to listen and does whatever the hell she wants anyway, you have to make sure you follow through with any consequences you outline. It's tough to get into the habit, especially with family, but it will be worth it and ultimately you'll have a stronger family for it.

Want a personalized experience?

Baby Shower Drama

Re: Baby Shower Drama

Choose Another Board

Search Boards