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Trouble TTC a Sibling
brunettemomma1
member
2.5 yr old son… 1st MC… D&C… So many Questions. Please help.
brunettemomma1
member
I am not sure if I am in the right place… I can't seem to find the board that fits me exactly, but this seems very close.
I have SO MANY QUESTIONS! And, I am very sorry if I am on the wrong board.
I have a 2.5 year old boy and just experienced my first MC. I would have been 12 weeks pregnant last Friday (11/14), but on Monday (11/10) I went to the DR for my 2nd sonogram and she told me that the baby had died sometime around week 10. I was scheduled for a D&C and went in on Wednesday (11/12). It went well (as well as one could go), but I am an emotional mess when anyone asks how I am doing. I am feeling so sad.
I had ordered a bunch of cute Christmas/Holiday party dresses that would look cute with my baby bump and the KEEP ON COMING TO THE HOUSE! The mailman obviously doesn't know that she's bringing sadness with each delivery, but she is.
Also, since this was my first MC and it wasn't expected… we told our son that "Mommy had a baby in her belly." Every morning since my 7 week sono (because there was a strong, steady heartbeat at 7w) my son would wake up and "play" Patty-Cake on my tummy "with the baby." He totally understood that there was going to be a baby coming. So, after the D&C I was sad and laying in bed… and he tried to cheer me up by "playing" with my tummy. I told him that the baby got sick and wasn't in there anymore. So he asked where it went? I told him that the baby went to Heaven with Toga (our dog that past away in the Spring). He mentioned the baby in Heaven with Toga a few more times, but understands it is not in my belly anymore. …it breaks my heart.
I am typically a really happy, silly, outgoing momma. My son has seen me cry a handful of times, but nothing like last week. I tried my hardest to be strong, but he could sense the sadness. He's been super clingy and saying, "Where's my mommy?!" If he doesn't immediately see me when he wakes up or if he wants me. It's not like him to be so needy or insecure. I want to help him know he's safe & feel secure again. Any suggestions?
And now I am concentrating on positives in my life and really want to try again - but when?! The DR says wait 2-3 months. (Months or cycles? Now I'm not sure.) Well, either way, when do you start trying again? I want my son to have a sibling so badly. When is "right"? Does the uterine lining need a specific amount of time to rebuild?? Any suggestions or advice would really be appreciated.
…I hope to help any of you in the future also.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: 2.5 yr old son… 1st MC… D&C… So many Questions. Please help.
My son was a similar age when I had my first loss, we told him that the baby had died. He did ask for the baby a few times in the next couple weeks, but it did stop. Just like you, it crushed me every time he did.
As for when to be able to try again, it is usually 2 to 3 cycles. You may be physically ready before you're really emotionally ready or vise versa, you can't rush it unfortunately.
Again I'm sorry for your loss and ((hugs))
BFP #1: 6/25/09 EDD 2/13/10 @ 6 weeks- Saw HB @ 9 weeks - DS born 2/11/10 (39w5d)
BFP #2: 2/20/13 EDD 11/4/13 - Saw HB 3/19/13 (7w2d) - MMC discovered 4/13/13 (10w5d) - Est. loss @ 9w3d - D&C 4/14/13
BFP #4: 9/10/14 (3w6d) EDD 5/21/15 - natural MC 9/23/14 @ 5w5d
BFP #5: 11/23/14 (3w3d) EDD 8/4/15 - Please be our Rainbow!
I'm so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))
My loss was later than yours, so my then 2.5 year old son got to hold his baby sister, and that helped with the understanding that she wasn't in my belly anymore but 4.5 months later, the questions and comments still come on a regular basis. They aren't questions and comments about my belly but rather about his sister. It's gut wrenching, so you might want to brace yourself for that. Even though he seems to get it, you might still find yourself having the same conversations with him months from now.
As far as making him feel safe and secure, it unfortunately just takes time. I really thought that I was going to alienate my kid after our loss. I physically and emotionally could not work up the energy to play with him and parent him because of my grief. He has always been a complete mama's boy but quickly started to favor his dad. He started acting out emotionally (moreso than a typical emotional 2 year old) as he tried to navigate through what was clearly a very confusing and upsetting time for him too. We just had to be patient with him and understand that the way he was acting was just what he needed to do to work through his emotions, and we just had to go with it and be present for him. And I had to be patient with myself for not always being able to be present; I needed to take care of me too, so as long as my son was safe and had his dad, daycare teacher, etc with him, I needed to forgive myself for not always being there. Kids are pretty resilient, and things will return to normal. Or at least a version of normal. My son is back to his normal self and has been for quite some time; now he's just equipped with knowledge that babies die which sucks but that's just our new reality. And I'm so sorry your son is now part of that "club" too.
October 2011 - DS (7)
July 2014 - Stillborn DD (24 weeks)
August 2015 - DD (3)
April 2018 - 5 week loss