Newly pregnant with #2 and DH is not excited

UCONNHuskies · November 2014

Hi all, My husband and I tried for several months, 5/6, with no luck. We had finally come to the acceptance that if it didn't happen naturally, we weren't going to do anything more. The next month we were blessed and we just found out I'm 5weeks pregnant. Instead of being happy and excited, my husband told me he is unsure/unhappy and confused, as he had resigned to not having number 2. He has been moody and withdrawn. Has anyone else experienced this? I have tried talking to him, asking him what he is nervous about, and he just says he thinks our house is too small (it's not) and that he's happy with our current family. Part of me feels betrayed that he is acting this way. Prayers that he changes his attitude soon. Thanks

NicoleWI · November 2014

Not sure what he's thinking, really, but I know that just about everyone freaks out to some degree about adding another child. It's a big change. Maybe just give him some time and try not to push the topic. I bet he will come around.

harmonicbabe26 · November 2014

I would just give him some time to get used to the situation. It takes 9 months to cook up a baby. I'm sure he'll come around. Men can be weird like that.

NeonNoon · November 2014

Hi @UCONNHuskies

Congratulations and welcome!

I'm not sure how relevant this is but here goes. When we were TTC, I had a full-blown hysterical episode where I had convinced myself and H that I was pregnant citing phantom symptoms. It turned out I wasn't and we were both bummed. I might have done it more than once but with less hysteria. Then, when I got my BFP, I was really excited and DH was super cautious about being happy for fear of getting hurt again. I felt like he didn't quite get it or accept it. Maybe he was expecting a MC. When he saw the first US, he got on board a lot more. Now that we're a lot further along with good test results and buying/receiving baby things, he's excited and looking forward to the birth more. I agree with the PP that men sometimes lack the skills to cope with emotional situations. And we all react to situations differently.

You know him best, if you think it's the emotional roller-coaster of TTC that has him bummed, maybe giving him some time to see that things could work out will help. It could also be that he is change-averse and is having trouble adjusting to the idea of another family member? You would know if he's been like this with other changes in life (e.g. your first child, moving to a new house etc).

Another thing that I can think of is that he might think of TTC as 'your project' and not something to do with him. If you think that's what it is, you could ask him what he wants to do now that you are pregnant, even if there are options in there that you wouldn't want to act on. That might get him thinking about his role in having this baby.

I also think it's important to tell him how you feel (betrayed etc) at a well chosen time without being accusatory. You are collaborators after all. As for you, it's OK to be happy and excited

Good luck and keep us posted.

mwerren · November 2014

Giving up after 5/6 months of TTC? Sheesh my husband and I had to wait 17 years before I had a viable pregnancy /:)
That being said, congrats on being pregnant. Your husband will come around, he's probably just in shock and the normal worries about finances and lifestyle changes are likely going through his head right now. Talk to him in a calm, non-accusing manner and let him know how excited you are for your growing family.

marijaa333 · November 2014

We went through something similar. My husband was really freaked out at first. I told him that despite the fact this was planned, if he changed his mind, he should tell me and we'll figure things out together. I was scared too, of what lies ahead but also of what he was feeling. Over the last three months, he has slowly "thawed" and now that our genetics results have come back normal, he seems to have really turned a corner - he brings up the subject and talks about it finally feeling real now. I predict he'll be ouright excited in another two months.

I would also give him time to process all of his concerns and feelings. Before they were all theoretical, but now he's probably reexamining everything in more detail. If he was originally supportive and is generally happy with your family (as it sounds that he is), I really think he'll come around.

Samuelismomma · November 2014

No advice .:( sorry he is feeling this way but congrats and welcome!

UCONNHuskies · November 2014

Thanks everyone. I actually think he was just super nervous because our son has multiple food allergies and I'm a carrier for sma. Last time we didn't test for anything beyond the normal. This time we will test for sma for sure.

topaz7777 · November 2014

I have this problem also. We had secondary IF with baby #2. Had IF with baby #1 also for that matter. Anyway, he just is so focused on DD that he can't really imagine having another. I think the whole pregnancy thing he doesn't really get excited about. He isn't attached at all. It's different for guys though. I'm sure he'll start acting like a dad to #2 once the baby actually comes out and becomes a tangible concept for him.

niknak1208 · November 2014

Aw I'm sorry. I know that's hard.. especially when you're excited! Congrats! I think just give him time. I will say that I was bugging my husband for a 3rd baby FOREVER.. I mean for months and months and months.. I had terrible baby fever. It's all I could think about! My little one was turning 2.. my son is almost 6 and all I could think about was oh my goodness.. I need another little baby.. how can I not have that?? But for a long long time my husband just said no so eventually I had kind of accepted that we were only going to have 2 kids and I was actually pretty ok with that. I have a little boy and a little girl and I felt like well I guess I can be content with this. Out of the blue.. I get pregnant! Totally unplanned.

I am not going to lie.. I spent the first few weeks in total shock. I'm not even sure that I would call it 'happy'. I was a nervous wreck! All I kept thinking about what the sucky disability plan at work and our already too small house.. and more daycare expenses and I just worried non stop. But eventually after it sunk in a bit.. I came to the realization that we'll just work through all that stuff and it will just work itself out and we're lucky and blessed to get to be parents again!

Give him a few weeks. Let it sit with him a bit and I bet he'll come around. Good luck to you!!

mindaa · November 2014

Like hikerlady, I was the one in the relationship who had to adjust. After 2.5 years, I had grieved a bio child and was ready to move on to adoption. I was reading and researching and getting really excited about that path. Was kinda "over" the whole pregnancy and labor thing.

The only thing pending was for DH to get on board, but he was still hopeful about getting PG.

I wouldn't say I wasn't "happy" when I found out. I was, but it wasn't all "Squee!!!" I think DH was a little annoyed at first that I wasn't more excited, after I finally got "what I want."

Along with the normal nerves, I faced a big mental/emotional readjustment. I'm a pretty analytical person, so I dealt by jumping into the to-do list: scheduling appts, reading books. Oh, and I finally printed off the list of potential names I started collecting three years ago, to talk to DH about. Picking out a name was one thing I was sad about losing (if we adopted), so I was sure to get started right away on doing that.

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