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Working Moms
tp871280
member
What came first...the BABY or the CAREER?
tp871280
member
in Working Moms
Hello! I am 25 and my husband is 29. We have been married for 2.5 years, but have been together for a total of 7.5 years. I am in dental school (will be graduating in May 2016) and my husband (who went back to school much later in life) will be staring medical school in the fall of 2016. I have never been the type of girl who was dying to have babies. My husband has more so been the one with baby on the brain. I initially thought that it would be best to wait until I was done with school before TTC, but lately I am not so sure.
On one hand, we can start TTC now, and in a perfect world, have a baby BEFORE I am done with school. This way, I would not be pregnant or TTC while I am looking for a job (since I am not planning on opening my own office right away). However, I run the risk of falling slightly behind in school. Luckily, the last year and a half of school is much more flexible since I can schedule my own patients and decide when I do and don't go in.
On the other hand, I can wait and TTC after graduation. However, assuming I do get pregnant...who would be willing to hire me? This option runs the risk of not finding a job. Plus, I would have to take time off work. I hate the thought of that, especially at the beginning of my career. Also, we do not yet know where my husband will be attending medical school. If we have to move out of state (very likely) I would have to balance all of that while TTC/being pregnant.
If I get pregnant now, we at least have both of our families nearby to help with the baby during the first year before we move away. This would be very helpful as far as saving money on child care, despite the fact that I dread my MIL taking care of my baby.
Both options have their pros and cons...the hard part is deciding which path is the best to go down. My question is for all the working mothers out there...is there ever a right time? Is it possible to have the best of both worlds?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: What came first...the BABY or the CAREER?
Given that you and your DH are so young, I'd advice waiting - at least until you are graduated and in a job. 1.5 years isn't that long to wait and you would be so much more secure (living situation, salary, guaranteed leave time). It might also be worth it to let your DH get into medical school and get a feel for how demanding his schedule is. You would potentially be taking on 99% of all parental duties for 6+ years while he is in school, internship, and residency and would really need to decide if that's something you want to take on.
All in all, if it were me I'd wait. The sense of security and preparedness you get while waiting just a couple of years is worth it. Especially given that you are young and would definitely be able to TTC before age starts to become a factor.
God Bless You my Little One
Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
Farida, at 8 weeks
I had DS1 while in grad school (phd). This worked because I could work from home and work at night on my dissertation (and we had a full time nanny of course) whenever I wanted to so it was actually better than an office job in many respects. I also had great insurance through school. I took 6 weeks maternity leave only but that suited me. I had him at 28 but I also knew that I want to have at least 2 more kids around 3 years apart each so I didn't want to wait till my 30s to start.
Others have given you good advice about asking yourself what is more important right now. We were ready to have a baby before I was finished with law school, but held off until the tail end. I got pregnant with my oldest during my last semester. The timing worked out that I graduated and passed the bar exam before my son was born. Thank goodness because I couldn't imagine studying for and taking the bar with an infant at home.
Finding a killer job making 100k+ and billing 45 hours a week was definitely not my priority ever. I went to law school because I like to write and read and assess risks. I didn't expect anyone to want to hire me because I was looking for jobs when I was 20-30 weeks pregnant (not to mention good legal jobs were few and far between at the time), but I got lucky and was hired as an attorney with a government agency almost immediately after the bar exam was over. It was certainly not the dream job my classmates were looking for, but it was a good mommy-lawyer job. I left that job for a private firm ($$$) and hated every second of it. I got pregnant with my daughter while working grueling hours with an awful commute and felt like I was failing son. I now work in house for a corporation and only part time. It works for me, but I know some of my friends that want a fast paced and quickly progressing career would hate my current situation.
What @jlaOK said. Barring fertility issues, I know no one that is sorry that they waited, but I do know others that wished that they had. IMO, getting your foot in the door and some experience under your belt is important. Taking time off for maternity leave is not really a big deal, and when you already have a career you have a lot more options.
While family help can be nice, it can also be a complete nightmare. I would much prefer to be in a situation where I didn't need to rely on family to watch my child, because we could comfortably afford daycare.
Personally, I am so glad that we waited. I finished law school, was far enough into my career that I was able to negotiate returning part time, and DH and I were both mentally and financially ready.
I'm glad we waited. Law school was grueling, so was the first few years of private practice (BigLaw). Although I'm not overly ambitious, I still wanted to do well in my career and I don't think I could have done that if I had children earlier. I feel like I would have just "gotten by" both as a lawyer and as a mom if I had children earlier.
By the time I had DS, I was already a senior associate and had an established reputation, so I left every day at 5, barely worked weekends, and got to spend a lot of time with DS - the baby/toddler years go by so fast that I'm really glad I got/get to spend a lot of time with him. That would never have been possible at my firm had I not put in all those hours for the first 7 years of my career.
We were also financially secure. Despite any plans you may have now for child care, things could fall apart quickly due to health issues or other circumstances, and I wouldn't be comfortable having a child if I wasn't absolutely sure I could pay for child care myself. Both my parents and DH's parents are retired, in good health and have only 1 grandchild (DS), but despite that, they still get tired from watching DS, so DS goes to DC part-time and we will have a full-time nanny when the second one arrives.
If I were you, and you can afford it, I would start a family now. The way I see it, you aren't going to be able to really start your career until after your husband finishes medical school, and maybe even after he finishes residency, since you don't really know where you are going to be located, and you will likely have to move at least twice. I personally would spend those years mothering and working PT as an employee somewhere. That way when you are more stable in terms of location, and ready to start your career, you will have a pretty good idea of what you want your dental practice to look like as a dual-career couple with children.
Kids are wonderful. They bring an enormous amount of joy to our lives. But honestly, being a mom is also scary and super-stressful. I think I would feel a lot less unfettered joy if I didn't have my career well in hand. I don't wonder what my career would be like without kids. I've done it and I know becoming a mom has actually enhanced my skills and my career growth, not harmed them.
1/13 Decided to pursue DIA, 4/13 Home study Approved 9/13 Matched!
10/13 DS home with us! 2/14 TPR completed 5/14 ADOPTION IS FINAL!
3/14 Surprise BFP 11/14 DD is here!
I would like to change my answer. I am going to agree with @glaw and say that you two have a lot to talk about. Med school/residency are tough (not to mention expensive) and require a lot of commitment from both of you.
If your H is the one with the baby fever, and you aren't so sure, it seems kind of crappy for him to go into a profession where he is going to have to depend almost entirely on you to do the day to day raising of said child(ren) as well as be the breadwinner for the family for close to a decade.
From a career standpoint, I'd finish school, get a job, then TTC after 6ish months (when you feel you are into your groove). Babies change everything. EVERYTHING. Even when you are 110% ready for one, it is still a challenge.
I don't know what you should do. That is between the two of you. But the above is a crappy thing to say. It's defensive and effectively kills the conversation.
I agree with the last twoposts (K3am and VitaLuna) you guys definitely would benefit from talking through this with a third party.
I will also add that as the wife of someone who just went through medical school,the liklihood of him having time to help with a baby while in med school is laughable to me. Perhaps he is ridiculous smart with a photographic memory and therefore will not need to study a lot...then maybe he would have time. This isn't to say that it can't be done because obviously people do it but I don't think its ideal. Even having a baby during residency is stressful! My husband and I both have busy challening careers and due to the demands of being a physician 99% of the stuff that is related to our daughter falls on me. His hours are less in his control and his life as a resident really isn't his own...Again it can be done (we are doing it) but it is HARD and would be even harder without having my parents 15 minutes away.
Talk this out with him, go to counseling and have someone else talk it out with you. We spent a lot of time talking and thinking before deciding to have a baby. There are so many factors that go into all of this and you need to put them all out on the table and weigh your pros and cons. I would also really encourage you to make sure that social support (grandparents nearby or other family to help with baby) is part of your considerations and deliberations.
Good luck!
How do you convince him?
I'm not sure, but I'd start by telling him he needs to discuss this with you openly and calmly like two mature adults.
It sounds like he's stamping his foot and saying "but I want it". He wants to be a parent but he's acting like a child.
OP, I saw this on KevinMD the other day about being married to a resident, and I thought it was pretty good. Maybe it will give you some insight.
https://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2014/11/wish-knew-advice-spouses-doctors-residents.html
God Bless You my Little One
Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
Farida, at 8 weeks
No one can tell you when it's the right time to TTC. I will say I know a lot of women dentists with families. Good luck!
I started medical school at age 27, finished residency at 34.
I did not know what I was getting into. But I have no regrets and I love my career.
I have friends in medicine who have gotten divorced. I have nonmedical friends who have divorced. It happens to people.
FTR, not everyone in a relationship with a resident/doctor is doomed to divorce or raising children on their own.
ETA: OP, it looks like you have other issues to deal with, but for us, we had our first after my husband finished residency and I was in the middle of residency. We had our perfectly timed plan all worked out, then we dealt with IF. So things did not go as planned.
Right. Because I said EVERYONE gets divorced. Look she already said she's not ready to have kids. She's also about to start a time consuming dental career of her own. Her DH seems to have some delusions about the time commitment of med school and raising children. I think they should both really think hard about what it means to be in med school and raise children at the same time. Is it impossible? No. People do it. Is it a good idea when one person is not even ready to have kids is about to start a career and the other person is going to enter a demanding 10 year training? Hell no. And that kind of pressure can and does lead to resentment and marital problems. Including divorce.
I think it would have been harder for me to have kids in medical school than it was in residency. There is a lot is studying that is just brutal, hard, self-driven work. Residency is brutally hard work, but basically program and patient driven. I think my intrinsic drive might have been difficult to sustain if I had become a mother in medical school.