Going it alone?

VMac1984 · November 2014

Hi everyone,
I've ended up in a difficult situation and I just can't seem to think straight right now. My husband announced in Saturday night that he is leaving. I had an online "relationship" with a man a year and a half ago. MH was working miles away at the time and he came home to " work on our relationship". Since then we have gotten married, signed a car lease together and gotten pregnant. I thought we were working through it, but apparently not. Anyway, he is moving out soon and I'm worried about L&D. I don't want someone there who doesn't love me, but I'm nervous about going it alone. Has anyone here done it without a support person? I am generally a pretty independent person, but I know anything could happen in L&D. Now I'm rambling. Like I said, I can't think straight. Any suggestions for me?

nedralynn · November 2014

I had my SIL and my mom there for me for my first child do you have anyone close to you to be there with you?

JunkieBrewster · November 2014

It doesn't really matter if he loves you, that his child, too, and he really deserves to be there.
the only time it would be okay to prevent him from being there, is if he is a danger to you, or he is going to cause you a lot of stress by being there.
you do not get to punish him by holding this over his head, because he could not move past your affair.
does he want to be there?

CandEChicago · November 2014

VMac1984 said:
Hi everyone,
I've ended up in a difficult situation and I just can't seem to think straight right now. My husband announced in Saturday night that he is leaving. I had an online "relationship" with a man a year and a half ago. MH was working miles away at the time and he came home to " work on our relationship". Since then we have gotten married, signed a car lease together and gotten pregnant. I thought we were working through it, but apparently not. Anyway, he is moving out soon and I'm worried about L&D. I don't want someone there who doesn't love me, but I'm nervous about going it alone. Has anyone here done it without a support person? I am generally a pretty independent person, but I know anything could happen in L&D. Now I'm rambling. Like I said, I can't think straight. Any suggestions for me?

Hire a doula. Have you mom or sister come (if applicable).

VMac1984 · November 2014

nedralynn said:
I had my SIL and my mom there for me for my first child do you have anyone close to you to be there with you?

I'm trying to get comfortable with the idea of someone other than MH seeing me in such a vulnerable condition. My mom will be away at the time and my sister is looking after DD for me. I have a couple close girlfriends that I may ask, I just don't want to put them in a position where they feel like they can't say no to me.

aandkmom22 · November 2014

Do you have family you can turn to? I haven't been in your situation but I do feel for you. Try talking to family or friends I'm sure there is someone who you are close with that can be the for you. Try to seek support within those close to you. I don't know what has transpired between you and your husband but making a decision to leave now is the worst timing for you and baby. I hope you realize a man like that is not worth your time. Best of luck to you and remember to take care of yourself and baby right now.

nedralynn · November 2014

@VMac1984‌ I also do agree with @JunkieBrewster‌ unless he doesn't want to be there or is just going to cause you stress he should be there for the birth of his child. This wasn't something I even got the option on my sons father hasn't spoken to me since around the time I told him I was pregnant and would actually love it if he had been there or at least been apart of his sons life.

VMac1984 · November 2014

JunkieBrewster said:
It doesn't really matter if he loves you, that his child, too, and he really deserves to be there.
the only time it would be okay to prevent him from being there, is if he is a danger to you, or he is going to cause you a lot of stress by being there.
you do not get to punish him by holding this over his head, because he could not move past your affair.

You're right. If he really wanted to be there, I would be OK with it, but he said he wants to see the baby ASAP after he is born. He said he doesn't care if he is there or not during the delivery. Anyway, even if he is there, it would be for the baby, not me. I'm wondering about a support person for myself.

Kmm1023 · November 2014

It seems like you need to sit down with ur H and talk see if he wants to be there or not. Then go from there maybe have a friend watch ur dd and ur sister be with u if he doesn't want to be present.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

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JunkieBrewster · November 2014

VMac1984 said:

JunkieBrewster said:
It doesn't really matter if he loves you, that his child, too, and he really deserves to be there.
the only time it would be okay to prevent him from being there, is if he is a danger to you, or he is going to cause you a lot of stress by being there.
you do not get to punish him by holding this over his head, because he could not move past your affair.
You're right. If he really wanted to be there, I would be OK with it, but he said he wants to see the baby ASAP after he is born. He said he doesn't care if he is there or not during the delivery. Anyway, even if he is there, it would be for the baby, not me. I'm wondering about a support person for myself.

I see, sorry that my reply was so harsh, but that stuff really sets me off.

I do honestly hope that you can find somebody to be there, because I don't think I would want to do it alone.

VMac1984 · November 2014

Thanks everyone. I'll talk to him again and it sounds like a support person is a good idea.

ETA: @JunkieBrewster‌, I did appreciate your original reply. I wouldn't be in this situation if I hadn't done what I had done. I'm going to make sure that he is sure he doesn't want to be there. I don't want him to miss the birth of his son because of his feelings toward me. Thanks, you've made me want to revisit this conversation with him.

@Slaps‌ glad to know it will be OK, if I do end up with no support person.

Thanks ladies, I was kind of freaking out, but all of your suggestions have helped me see that there are a number of ways I can look at this.

Kmm1023 · November 2014

Good luck! I hope u have a great experience.

JunkieBrewster · November 2014

notchomama said:
Is it just me? If my husband decided to leave me, there's no way in hell I'd want him in the delivery room with me. He can come visit later like anyone else, but if he chose to walk out-he doesn't get the privilege of being in the birthing room with me. He's clearly not there for support.

there's a difference between somebody who just decides he's done and walks away, & a person who was wronged, hurt, tried to work it out, and just can't.

I obviously have very strong feelings about this, but I do not think it's okay to use your child to punish the other parent.

csjsmom · November 2014

@notchomama I'm with you on not wanting him there. When I was about 9 months pregnant with my first I found out my ex had been doing the online cheating thing. I did not feel like I could count on him for support and didn't want him to see me so vulnerable. I ended up with a c-section under general anesthetic so in the end he wasn't there when DS was born. I was pretty much on my own afterwards too. I think with nursing support you'd be ok on your own. They know what to do better than your H anyway!

JunkieBrewster · November 2014

notchomama said:

JunkieBrewster said:

notchomama said:
Is it just me? If my husband decided to leave me, there's no way in hell I'd want him in the delivery room with me. He can come visit later like anyone else, but if he chose to walk out-he doesn't get the privilege of being in the birthing room with me. He's clearly not there for support.
there's a difference between somebody who just decides he's done and walks away, & a person who was wronged, hurt, tried to work it out, and just can't.

I obviously have very strong feelings about this, but I do not think it's okay to use your child to punish the other parent.

I get this, I really do. But he's still choosing to step out of her full life. He CHOSE to walk away. She didn't kick him to the curb. I still wouldn't let him in. And she's not using the child as punishment. SHE needs the support during labor. SHE needs to feel like someone is on her side. He wants to see the baby ASAP? Fine, let her labor & deliver with her support system or alone, and then he can come for visiting/whatever.

I absolutely see your side too. I guess for me, it's one of those decisions that you can't unmake and to me, that's scary as hell.

leoandethansmom · November 2014

notchomama said:

JunkieBrewster said:

notchomama said:
Is it just me? If my husband decided to leave me, there's no way in hell I'd want him in the delivery room with me. He can come visit later like anyone else, but if he chose to walk out-he doesn't get the privilege of being in the birthing room with me. He's clearly not there for support.
there's a difference between somebody who just decides he's done and walks away, & a person who was wronged, hurt, tried to work it out, and just can't.

I obviously have very strong feelings about this, but I do not think it's okay to use your child to punish the other parent.

I get this, I really do. But he's still choosing to step out of her full life. He CHOSE to walk away. She didn't kick him to the curb. I still wouldn't let him in. And she's not using the child as punishment. SHE needs the support during labor. SHE needs to feel like someone is on her side. He wants to see the baby ASAP? Fine, let her labor & deliver with her support system or alone, and then he can come for visiting/whatever.

QBF

I completely agree with this. Labor and delivery are not only about the baby. If he cares for his future child then he should care about the way that child is entering the world and that is by keeping the mother safe. If he can't support her while bringing their child into the world then he shouldn't be allowed there.

Eta qbf

LinziLoo09 · November 2014

OP, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Even in acknowledging your part in the split, I'm sure the outcome must be frightening. I agree with other pps to find a way to have another support person in the room --- friend, family, or doula at least. I would also discuss the situation with your DH at a time when things have calmed down slightly (as opposed to in the heat of an argument) to gauge his interest in being there and to talk about the support you will need afterwards for the baby. In the end, though, it sounds like you are a strong woman, and if need be, I'm sure you'll do what you have to do to get through this difficult time. Good luck!

acac104 · November 2014

Sounds to me like there is more to this than the affair. The affair happened 1.5 years ago after which he made the decision to move closer to home, get married, have another child AND stick around for most of the pregnancy by the way. These don't sound like the actions of a man who can't move on. Then at the last minute when OP is really pregnant and getting closer to needing the support from him he decides he's not over it and leaves. OP are you sure he isn't just trying to punish you for the affair and getting you while you are down? In my opinion a true gentleman would not pull this at such a late stage in the game regardless of how he felt, he'd go through the birth and recovery and then deal with his own feelings after. So if he acts this way he doesn't deserve to be there and you are much better off going it alone or hiring a doula, you can't go in the trenches with someone who does't have your back!

Eora3 · November 2014

Having drama in the delivery room increases the chance of needing a c-section. Stress on the mother increases delivery time and can stall labor altogether.

I can't imagine allowing someone to come stare at my gaping vagina while I fought through the pain purely out of some sense of guilt or obligation, especially if that person has rejected me and left me without support at such a vulnerable time. I would feel extremely traumatized by that.

Furthermore, there is no reason he needs to see her physically push the child out of her body. Most mother's don't even see that part (unless there is a mirror involved).

The bottom line is that the actual physical birth isn't about the father. It is about the mother getting the support (emotionally and medically) that she needs in order to safely deliver the child.

OP, I was induced with my first baby and had 12 hours of hard and fast labor before I had an emergency c-section. In my experience having a support person there is nice to help keep you distracted early on and then focused as things progress but when it comes down to the serious labor time, your whole world shrinks down to your own mind and body. It is just you and the baby and the contractions. Anyone else present should be telling you that you are strong and you can do it!

DoctorWorm222 · November 2014

acac104 said:

Sounds to me like there is more to this than the affair. The affair happened 1.5 years ago after which he made the decision to move closer to home, get married, have another child AND stick around for most of the pregnancy by the way. These don't sound like the actions of a man who can't move on. Then at the last minute when OP is really pregnant and getting closer to needing the support from him he decides he's not over it and leaves. OP are you sure he isn't just trying to punish you for the affair and getting you while you are down? In my opinion a true gentleman would not pull this at such a late stage in the game regardless of how he felt, he'd go through the birth and recovery and then deal with his own feelings after. So if he acts this way he doesn't deserve to be there and you are much better off going it alone or hiring a doula, you can't go in the trenches with someone who does't have your back!

I agree with this. Sounds like he knocked her up well *after* he learned about the affair. He went into this pregnancy with full knowledge of the situation. That's the important detail for me. Otherwise, I'd agree with JunkieBrewster in cutting him some slack for not being able to get past the affair.

beachy6 · November 2014

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now. I don't have any advice other than what has already been given. (Although, it would be a cold day in hell when DH would be able to see my vagina after leaving me. He could see the baby after delivery. No discussion. No extra stress needed in the delivery room.)

I hope you can find someone that you are comfortable with to be there with you!

designchica · November 2014

I disagree that he has a right to be there for the birth. That's an extremely vulnerable time, its your body that is going to be poked, prodded, examined, on display, and under duress. He can come in after birth to be the first to see the baby, if he wants but if you don't want him in the room, that is your choice. And I'm not saying this because he is leaving you. Even if he wasn't leaving you and you were still married, that doesn't entitle him to be in the room with you. This is your body that is doing the birthing, you call the shots for this part of it.

nashamber · November 2014

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this stress and so close to delivery too! I strongly agree with @beachy6. If my husband decided to kick our relationship to the curb, there is NO WAY I would agree to allowing him in the room for delivery. I'm not even sure I'd be up for a "visit" from him after the birth of our child. Sending comforting thoughts your way.

ColeyCannoli · November 2014

acac104 said:
Sounds to me like there is more to this than the affair. The affair happened 1.5 years ago after which he made the decision to move closer to home, get married, have another child AND stick around for most of the pregnancy by the way. These don't sound like the actions of a man who can't move on. Then at the last minute when OP is really pregnant and getting closer to needing the support from him he decides he's not over it and leaves. OP are you sure he isn't just trying to punish you for the affair and getting you while you are down? In my opinion a true gentleman would not pull this at such a late stage in the game regardless of how he felt, he'd go through the birth and recovery and then deal with his own feelings after. So if he acts this way he doesn't deserve to be there and you are much better off going it alone or hiring a doula, you can't go in the trenches with someone who does't have your back!

I have to agree that it sounds kinda vindictive to me. I understand that he just can't move on but if he made it 1.5 years with those feelings, you'd think he'd last another month. Or maybe the stress is getting to him the closer the birth gets? I dunno.

OP, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I agree with @designchica‌ that the labor part is all you and what makes you most comfortable. He definitely deserves access to his child later but you don't need anyone stressing you out at such a vulnerable time. I hope you find someone to support you during the birth. Look up doulas or talk to your family about it. Even if you have to go in alone, the L&D staff won't just leave you. They are there to support and provide as well. Good luck.

amedbery · November 2014

I also have a hard time believing that this is all about a non-physical affair from almost 2 years ago. Unless he thinks you are still unfaithful, it sounds vindictive. Either way, I wouldn't allow anyone in the delivery room that I wouldn't walk into battle with and this guy does not seem to have your back. Figure out something else for your other kids and get your sister and/or hire a doula. If other LO is his, let him babysit. He can meet the baby after you give birth and get cleaned up and feel a little more human. You aren't obligated to be seen at your most vulnerable by the guy that just broke your heart.

path75 · November 2014

My sisters best friend was alone with her first two years ago. My sister and another friend were her support person. She said it was strange at first but got over it quick. Once labor started she just thought about baby.

xoxmandeexox · November 2014

JunkieBrewster said:

It doesn't really matter if he loves you, that his child, too, and he really deserves to be there. the only time it would be okay to prevent him from being there, is if he is a danger to you, or he is going to cause you a lot of stress by being there. you do not get to punish him by holding this over his head, because he could not move past your affair. does he want to be there?

im sry but i do not agree with this at all. He isnt the one pushing a baby out of his Vagina so it really doesnt matter if he wants to be there or not. U should be as comfortable as you possibly can you are the one going through it all. It has nothing to do with hanging anything over his head.

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