warning! morbid advice -what happens to LO(s) if something happens to you

bumpuser10309732 · November 2014

I've tried to bring up this discussion with DH and he continues to ignore me and change the subject. After thinking about it I really don't even know who in our lives would be best suited. I kind of feel like our parents deserve to retire without raising more kids. How did you and your partner decide something like this??

victoria+james · November 2014

DH and I haven't discussed it yet, probably because he likely hasn't thought of it and I can't think of anyone suitable.

I would trust my mom's parenting but my dad's mental status has been questionable ever since his stroke (in my opinion). And obviously my mom would entrust my dad to watch him at some point which terrifies me.

DHs dad lives in the middle of absolutely nowhere and has a revolving door of women in his life - so no.

My sister is living it up on the other side of the country and doesn't plan on ever having kids.

DHs sister essentially quit her normal life to join what I can only describe as a circus.

...Is this even something you can ask friends to do? Even if it is I don't know who I'd ask.

MrsSarahRenee · November 2014

My parents. They are fairly young and financially stable.

AmandaJean12 · November 2014

We chose my little sister even though she's not in a place in her life where she's really kid-ready. She would rise to the occasion and my parents would help. But she would raise Kenzie most like we would.

cmac6186 · November 2014

We chose my younger brother and his wife. They just bought a house and plan to start a family in the next few years. They do live about 200mi away but near most of my extended family. We know they would travel with DD to see DHs family too.

ETA: my friend is an estate lawyer who is going to write up our will. She sent the initial questionnaire and it is intimidating!! Lots of info to gather

Jesslynnsell · November 2014

I think the best choice would be my brother and his wife. They live in NYC and the rest of the family lives in NC. That would be the only bad part. My parents are divorced and still single so I wouldn't want my mom to have to do it on her own and DH's parents are getting close to being able to retire and I don't think FIL would want to do it (even though he would).

windwithfingers · November 2014

Feel free to use me and my situation as an example of why you should talk about such things. If anything were to happen to me, my parents get DS. They're young (50 and 55), my mom stays home and she's already my primary childcare. There's no one else. My brothers are 21 and 22 and still in college, SIL is not a candidate, and I wouldn't feel comfortable allowing FIL to raise my son. So, my parents it is.

After DH died, I went to my dad's friend who's an estate lawyer and got all this set legally. Unexpected shit can happen. Take it from me.

angeltennis3 · November 2014

We decided if something happened to us, our DD and any future children would go to my parents. They live 15 minutes from us so I expect our DD will have a closer relationship with them as opposed to DH's parents who live in a different state. DH is an only child and my brother never wants kids.

We still need to set up a will, and discuss these wishes with my parents to see if they would be ok with raising our DD and any future children if needed.

Justabean3 · November 2014

They would go to my Bil and SIL

But the idea of them going from 1 girl and adding 3 boys kills me in itself but they would be best taken care of there.

ashie0610 · November 2014

AmandaJean12 said:
We chose my little sister even though she's not in a place in her life where she's really kid-ready. She would rise to the occasion and my parents would help. But she would raise Kenzie most like we would.

Same here. My sister is 28 but just could not find a job that allows her the stability she needs. However, she started at a great company a few months ago and I suspect her boyfriend will propose soon so things are looking up. When we had DS1 two years ago there was a lot more doubt.

lrobi13 · November 2014

My youngest brother (24) and his fiancée. We have a fair amount of life insurance so they would be ok financially and I already talked to fsil and she said that she would love him and be a stay at home mom if that ever happened.

ariel06 · November 2014

At this point, my parents would be the best option. I would consider SIL and her FI in the future once they are a little more established. My brother also could be an option in the future.

Syllessa · November 2014

We decided Alex would go to my exh with my older kids. I know he's a great dad, my mom is near to help, and I can't imagine separating siblings.

JessAnnJ · November 2014

In addition to this issue, you should look into life insurance if you do not have any already. I purchased a size able policy after having my daughter. If something were to happen to me my family could continue with the same quality of life. The same if something happened to DH or both of us.

swizz09 · November 2014

We were just talking about this! We want DH's sister since she is the only biological sibling between the two of us.

One problem: SIL's husband is the biggest asshat in the world and we don't want him to have anything to do with our child (or any future children).

I hate him.

Oh the decisions...

KariAnnM 23 · November 2014

We had our wills written shortly after we were married. Our children will temporarily stay with my parents until my sister and her husband can make arrangements to come get them. Although they live in NC and we have other brothers and sisters closer, they are the best fit for our children.
We also wrote down our daily schedule that way my sister knows what our kids are use to doing daily. I would also recommend giving the gaurdian a list of insurance information, where to find your birth certificates, bank information, etc. If you have a home safe make sure someone other than you and your spouse knows the code.

It's not easy/fun to discuss what will happen once your and your DH are gone, but it is a discussion I think all parents should have and should have their wishes in writing. With all the MIL talk around here, do you really want them makibg the decisions on what happens to your kids?

Mewwwwws · November 2014

We are in a case where siblings are not financially nor emotionally stable to care for kids. Both my parents and my IL's are stable - financially, emotionally, and healthy. The question is which set of parents - mine or dh's would be the chosen. Ultimately it will probably be my in laws b/c they live close by, and will be the babysitters when i return to work, so they will already be seeing her frequently and she will know them well. but. but. but. It breaks my heart to know that there will be no legal mechanism to allow for my parents to have guaranteed way to be a part of her life. Our estate lawyer said that it would be complicated to write that into the will and trust. But I will ask again... maybe they could write to have the primary guardians by my IL's but have her visit my parents during summer vacations. @MRSClarke08 - had you already talked to a lawyer who said that you were able to do co-gaurdianships?

PBJellyTime · November 2014

There's nothing wrong with either set of grandparents, but my DH and I chose my sister and brother-in-law to take care of our LO. Our reasoning is I know with all certainty that they will assure DD continues to see the other side of the family without hesitation. For me that's a big deal.

We also like the way they are raising their children, and I know they will be able to afford to do it.

Klavanga74 · November 2014

My sister and BIL. They have three kids. All of our kids go to school together. Parenting philosophies are the same. No brainer.

MrsSarahRenee · November 2014

Those who have gone through the process... Was it expensive ? Did you have a formal will done up? I saw programs you can buy online to do it... Are those legit?
I am a planner and I want to get this done right for minimal cost. Suggestions?

Mewwwwws · November 2014

I think for us it would have been a thousand or a couple thousand to write up our will and trust through a lawyer. But husband has legal insurance through his work which defrayed most of cost. You might check with your HR department and see what they offer... It's open enrollment right now for his benefits so it was easy to enroll once we figured out the estate lawyers takes his insurance offered through work.

I would go though a lawyer properly instead of a DIY approach . They will help you with pitfalls and do all the filing for you.

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