Visitors after birth

bscurt · November 2014

I do hope I'm not alone in this, because I feel pretty singular on this topic - I live quite a ways away from both my family and my husband's family and they are all planning on flying in for the birth. Even a few days before EDD and staying a week or two after. Honestly, this terrifies me. I am worried about having to entertain people, share my newborn with other individuals and even just try to bond with new baby or get over the awkwardness of sleepless nights, breastfeeding woes, etc with a bunch of other people there. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I would want a few days at least to be as visitor-free as possible to try to get used to my new little human and spend time as a family. My husband will be gone for six months leading up to the birth, too so I would love time with just him and baby before everyone starts sweeping baby away, spending too much time in my house...I know they're helpful for cleaning and food, but I'm so nervous.

Has / does anyone else feel or felt this way? What did you do with overbearing in-laws or family members? Am I asking for trouble by even suggesting limited visitors or visiting times while we all adjust?

Thank you!

CanyonRain · November 2014

Very curious about everyone's take on this. STMs any experiences to share?

Unknown · November 2014

This content has been removed.

bscurt · November 2014

Thank you. I hate to be rude to them and tell them to not buy plane tickets because I know they're excited, but I'm so nervous about them being here...especially because I know their personalities.

beaseg · November 2014

I totally agree with you. I would probably just say that you spoke with your OB or maybe you interviewed and spoke with your child's pediatrician or whatever, and that you would like the first 2 weeks at home to just be you and your hubby. Be gracious but firm.

Also, do you have a large enough home to accommodate house guests? People think they're coming and they're going to make life easier for you. They don't understand they may potentially add to your stress/exhaustion. It's sweet they have good intentions, but I'd put a cap on the number of nights you have a visitor (maybe 3-4).

An extra pair of hands WILL be really helpful. But put your limits on people, and do it now. The sooner the better so they don't get their hopes up. Good luck.

-Also, FWIW- I didn't allow any in home visitors until my first was 10 days old. I said it was recommended by the pedi. A lot of people were annoyed, but I was happy and way less stressed and in those days I was able to get a great handle on nursing my newborn. I plan to do the same - maybe a little less this time since my daughter would enjoy the visitors.

bscurt · November 2014

These are all good ideas and I'm thankful I'm not alone on feeling this way!!!

vic8504 · November 2014

I would tell them they are not allowed to come before you have your LO. What if you have LO a week or 2 after your EDD? They will just be hanging around waiting? I think you and DH need those last couple days to be alone together before the baby comes especially since he was gone for so long.

I would tell both of your parents you will call when going into the hospital and they can just be ready and hit the road then. DH and I did not let anyone there while I was in labor. I had DD at 1am so we said no one before lunch time the next day. I am glad because I was so sick from the medicine that I couldn't even open my eyes and kept throwing up. I wouldn't of wanted a ton of guests there during that time.

Them the parents can stay for a week or so and then everyone else can start making their plans to come visit after that. They might not be happy with that but this is your child and you get to say how you want things to go.\

Good luck! I hope everything works out for you and no matter what people might say just stick to your decisions.

Unknown · November 2014

This content has been removed.

smontz · November 2014

I know exactly how you feel! My family lives close, but my hubby's family lives 6 hours away. Even before I got pregnant I had already made it clear to him that I do not want his family staying here for the birth or when we get home from the hospital. I'm not opposed to them visiting often and staying elsewhere...I just think those first nights can be rough and I don't want to go through that with my in laws sleeping in the next room. Luckily I think everyone will be understanding!

@breemarie808 Would you be ok with asking them to stay in a hotel to take some of the stress off of you, but let them still be there to visit?

tinalovescauliflower · November 2014

I've already put my foot down about this. I'm a first time mom. My parents and one set of my fiancé's parents live in town. I'm sure they will all want to visit in the hospital, and I look forward to having my dad help out (he's retired, and great with babies). However. My fiancé's mom lives across the country and already told us "I'm flying in for a month when the baby arrives to stay with you and help."

Yeah, over my dead body. I had a talk with fiancé about it, and luckily he's totally on board with me. I felt the same as you- I don't want to entertain people or play host in our (VERY small) house while I'm trying to bond with a newborn and learn to breast feed. He communicated to her that she's welcome to come visit once the baby is about a month old.

She's really upset about it. This is her second grandchild and she wasn't able to be there for the birth of the first, either. I understand her point of view but really believe my own preferences and sanity are most important here. I did let her know that she could visit, stay with other family, and drop by to see the baby occasionally (as the rest of in-town family will be doing), but she said "that defeats the purpose".

To be totally honest: I might feel differently if SHE were different. But no way am I letting an overbearing alcoholic interrupt my sweet baby times.

Snapdragon750 · November 2014

STM here who let EVERYONE fly in immediately after the birth. I am an extrovert and was on good terms with everybody, and even I had completely had it by the time everyone left. It was a bad idea, and if you are already nervous about it then you need to put your foot down and tell them not to come visit until after (whatever time frame). They'll just have to respect that. My SIL asked everyone to wait two weeks before visiting, and it was totally appropriate. Also if you want a middle ground, tell folks they may visit but have to stay at a hotel if they want to come within a certain time period. It's a load of difference compared to staying with you.

ETA: I want to add that my strongest memory of this time period was being alone in the nursery trying unsuccessfully to BF with tears in my eyes while I could hear everyone at the dinner table laughing and having a great time. It was not worth it for the help folding the laundry.

bscurt · November 2014

They will all be in hotels, since I live in Hawaii, but they will also be at my house all day if I give them the slightest leeway...

Jillibean68 · November 2014

The only way out of town guests will be welcome to stay at my house for longer than 1-2hrs immediately after the baby is born is if they are cooking and cleaning.
It sounds mean, but you will need to be very open and up front about your wishes after baby is born. People get excited and over stay their welcome and forget about boundaries when a new baby is involved. Just remember that you are LOs mother, therefore your wishes need to be respected at all times. You will need to advocate for yourself and your LO.
I would send something out in writing to inform people early on that there will be time limits for how long visitors are welcome. I would also note that no early morning or late evening guests are welcome. Getting you and LO on a schedule is going to be important and you will be learning LO and need to do so with minimal distractions.

I had a lot of people offer to 'hold the baby' while I cleaned or did laundry or cooked. Nope nope nope.

I'm tempted this time around to just ban all non essential visitors for the first couple of weeks after this LO is born.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

CTcoffeequeen · November 2014

It totally depends on the family member. My parents were at my house when we came home with our son, and they literally said "go to bed. We'll get you up in a few hours." My husband and I SO needed that. It is so intensely overwhelming to have a newborn, especially if you are breastfeeding. Make sure you are comfortable with whomever you have over seeing your entire breast for the first few weeks. It's a learning process for you and your baby and the last thing you want to worry about is who's seeing what. My parents were amazing, and my dad always excused himself while we were working on latching, even though he 1) didn't have to and 2) I never asked. My parents cooked for us, held the baby so we could shower, etc. They did what we needed, not what they wanted. Those are the only types of visitors you want in the beginning.

Lalalady54 · November 2014

STM- I am begging my mom to come for the few weeks before aand ll summer after baby is born. She will rent a place and we've offered to help with the cost if she will watch my toddler daughter so it will mean less daycare for her. With my first we had "a no one at the hospital" rule until we called and were ready, we will do that again. We went in on a Monday and didn't get discharged till Friday, by the time we left the hospital most of our family that was visiting was gone. I was begging for my mother or my MIL (we have a great relationship) to come back within the week. I was sleep deprived, BFing was really F'ing hard, laundry needed to be done and I wasn't sure the last time I ate something. You may think you want lots of alone time with baby but I would definitely make sure you have family on standby; they are the ones who will help you sleep, clean up your milk drenched sheets when your breast pads don't absorb all the milk that suddenly has come in and will go to the grocery store for you.

After about a month we settled into a routine but my mom stayed until baby was 6 weeks old after she came back at week 2

OnceInLoveWithAmy · November 2014

First and foremost, I never felt the need to entertain anyone who came to visit. You want to see the baby? Expect me to be unshowered and the house to be a mess. Also, I hope you ate before you came because I have crackers in the cupboard and that's it.

Beyond that, we did allow family and very close friends to visit in the hospital for 30 minutes at a time. My mom offered to stay a week with me, but I asked her to come the week after we got home. The first week was for the husband and I to adjust in our own time.

I would be very clear on how many people can visit and for how long. Don't be afraid to kick people out or say no to anything-- especially that first week. Given that you live in Hawaii, I'm sure people will find ways to occupy their time (PS... can I come visit too? hehe)

laur1020 · November 2014

@breemarie808‌ I was actually going to post something like this myself a few weeks ago! No, you are not alone in this. You have every right to have that special bonding time that follows when first coming home. My parents and sisters live nearby, but my DH's family is scattered across the country. We live in a tourist town and DH's older sister was talking of coming for a vacation in May before she knew we were expecting. I thought for sure she'd re-think things and postpone the trip a month or so once she knew we were expecting. Not the case. I had to tell my DH to please ask his sister where she was planning on staying, because I feel the same way you do. He got a little upset with me, because my family is here and his isn't and he wants them involved. I understand that, and they have every right to want to see the baby. But it's a special time for us, and to have guests would be a huge stress on me. Especially because she has 2 kids and they're all over the place. They are actually going to rent a beach house, so that's a huge relief! I do hope my mom will stay a night though. I might need her. My mom and I are really close and I couldn't see her not being here. She said she'd be as involved as I want her to be. She respects personal space and would never overstep boundaries. However, DH's family is different!

Pintobean39 · November 2014

I really really really hope no one comes to stay. I have no family here, most of then are either 4hrs or 16hrs away. I'm going to want to be alone, I hate feeling like I have to entertain and if anyone's at my house I'll feel I need to do that.

I had surgery on my head last year and my dad and step mom came and stayed while my husband worked to help take care of me and get my son to school since I couldn't drive. OMG it was horrible. My stepmom cooked but she constantly had to ask me where everything was. I was doped up on Percocet passed out on the couch and she kept talking to me. I just wanted to yell "leave me the fuck alone". I'm not a happy camper when I'm tired or don't feel good.

rivers714 · November 2014

When I had my son I lived with my mom. A bit different I know. It was great with all my ftm fears to have her there. She calmed me down a lot. Babies are scary. I remember being discharged and thinking " I can just take him home? No test? No making sure I'm competent?"

. Currently she wants me to live with her for the first few weeks after this one is born. She loves babies and is helpful without being overbearing. That being said I know what to expect and kinda look forward to chilling with the baby and my little guy.

SassyPants150 · November 2014

I think it's a personal preference. My mom was here (got here about 4 hours before DD was born) and was the biggest help. She made sure we were all well fed. She let me rest some since DH went right back to work. Laundry and cleaning was all done. It was a glorious week. I bawled when she left.

I do want less hospital visitors this time. Between the nurses checking on me, I never got to rest.

lakingsfan2015 · November 2014

I am currently begging family members to come. With DS3 my dad came for 2 weeks, he came the day before delivery and took care of the older 2 while I was in the hospital so DH got to stay with me in the hospital the whole time. When we came home, my husband went out of town for 3 days and my dad was right there helping me. My dad cooked for us, cleaned for us, drove the older 2 to school, took the baby so I could nap. I never felt like I had to entertain him, he knew he was coming here to help with the baby and he did just that.

My non English speaking MIL came right after my father left and again it was the same thing. She knew she was here to help with the kids and that is what she did. We did do a bit of sight seeing but I was already 3 weeks post-partum and didn't mind.

CTri17 · November 2014

I guess Im in the slight minority. Our friends drop of meals and hold the baby for a few minutes and then leave ( or hold the baby while I eat/pee whatever and chat, and the adult interaction is nice). My mom usually comes a week after baby is born and stays at a hotel and helps around the house/lets me nap. My mil does the same. You just have to be firm and say I need to go feed baby, or hey can you go for a walk with dd1? Can you pick up milk? Go with the flow and give them stuff to do, let them bond with baby when time allows. It obviously depends on you and your family and friends, but I have always found it helpful

Unknown · November 2014

This content has been removed.

sevillanagal · November 2014

@breemarie808‌ Ugh, I'm so nervous about this too! My mom will respect boundaries and be super helpful, my mother-in-law is a different story. She's overbearing and can be really childish when she doesn't get her way. We're in the process of buying a house now. It only has three bedrooms though, so we will really only be able to host one set of parents at a time...

Willapop · November 2014

I would say it depends on the types of guests and what your relationship with them is like. I would also say that you'd probably want only one set of guests at a time.

My MIL and FIL came for four days when my daughter was born and were very helpful. They returned when my husband went back to work (DD was 3 weeks old). Again, I loved having them because my MIL did all of the housework, cooked etc. I also didn't mind breastfeeding in front of her and she was happy to give me space when I wanted it. My parents live in town and just stopped over whenever I needed them or when they wanted to see the baby, which was fine. They were also helpful.

If I had had to host both sets of parents at the same time, I would not have liked that. There would have been too much pressure to help everyone get along conversationally.

If you let people stay with you, they have to be helpful and let you relax. One mistake I made was overdoing things. Things like sitting in the living room on the couch and walking around too much were mistakes for me because I had a third degree tear that made me completely miserable. I should have been lying down in bed on my side trying to heal. If you are hosting multiple parties, you won't have the chance to lie around and heal...so my advice is to stick to one out of town party at a time and make sure they are going to be helpful.

Ballet80 · November 2014

They are probably just trying to be nice and want to be there because it is such an important event. But I would make it clear that you aren't cooking, cleaning, entertaining, or doing laundry. If they stay they will be your maids and cooks, no exceptions. You don't need added stress once the baby comes nor do you need to feel obligated to play hosts after giving birth.

snok83 · November 2014

I remember this was a big concern of mine with my first child. I was okay with my parents coming to visit because they would actually help out around the house, cook/bring us meals, etc.

However, my MIL lives 4 hours away so as soon as she heard I was going into labor she drove up that night with my first child. And then proceeded to stay for next 5 nights and then returned the next weekend with FIL. Not ideal. I was totally emotionally after the birth and having her around while trying to learn to breastfeed sucked. I wasn't comfortable with her being in the room as I needed to see what I was doing. And I made her leave my room or sit behind the curtain in the hospital each time I fed. She kept making jokes about putting her behind the curtain in my room. But I really didn't care

And I was pissed too as my husband would leave me alone in the hospital to go out to eat with her, take care of things at our house, etc. I was so relieved when she left and we could finally have family time. I kinda feel like she took away some of that as she was literally with us the whole time in the hospital from time I woke up in morning till evening and then when we first came home. Not sure with #2 if I will want the help with our toddler or again will find it annoying. Think it too depends on your closeness with them.

Linds1083 · November 2014

This will be our second baby. I agree with others that new families need time to adjust and spend time together. If you are feeling this way already, definetly talk it through with you SO and families. I wished I had communicated these feelings ahead of time. We found that 3-4 nights is plenty (given our small living space). Don't feel bad telling others what you are comfortable with. Also, you may want to think about staggering visitors. It would be really hard for me to have my parents and in-laws at the same time. They all get along, but it would just be overwhelming. And you are right, you won't want to share your newborn!!

DreamChaser246 · November 2014

I think it all depends on the visitor (and your relationship with them). I'm planning on having my mom come down for a few weeks again. She was really helpful though and it was wonderful. My dad came 2-3 weeks later with my brother for a few days.

DH's side was local and thankfully came by for short visits. We did make the mistake of having them bring over dinner after we came home from the hospital. Huge mistake. DS wouldn't breastfeed, I ended up super stressed. We thought that it would be nice to have dinner. Instead it was awful and stressful. Next time I'm waiting.

jenari2013 · November 2014

There are a lot of responses and good advice and I'll admit I only skimmed so forgive me if this is repetitive. It's hard to know exactly when baby will decide to make an appearance (unless you're having a scheduled c-section). I thought I had everything planned that my in-laws would come to down for a few days to help with our dogs, see the baby etc. (They're about 4 hours away). And then my mom was supposed to fly in 8 days after our due date for Christmas and stick around for 2 weeks. Well I went 8 days over which meant the in-laws and my mom and brother all got in the same day - the day I delivered. We had a house full and while there was some help it was also overwhelming. You can make the best plans but sometimes things just won't work out so keep that in mind when you're trying to plan for guests. Good luck!

dj99 · November 2014

There is no way in hell I would want anyone staying here after the baby is born. The first few weeks are for DH and myself to bond with the baby as we become parents. My maternity leave is to be with my baby, not entertaining guests. I'm a very private person in general and need my space so having family stay would drive me crazy. Both of our parents live close by so obviously they will be welcomed to visit but then know when to give us alone time.

SassFrass · November 2014

I plan on doing the same as I did with DD. I had lots of visitors in the hospital but set times for people to come. By 7 pm, I had the nurses put a DNA (do not announce) on my room, so they couldnt confirm nor deny I was even there unless they had a codeword, and only 3 people had it, and my dad was one of them because he drove 6 hours to come see us.

I plan on letting people come visit in the hospital again, but when my DD comes, only me DH DD and my MIL will be in our room so DD can do her own bonding with the baby and I together. DH and my MIL will be with me when I give birth. Once we get home, I have already asked to have a few days to ourselves to bond. The family in town can drop by for a little bit, but the only person that will prob even come from out of town the same time I have the baby is my dad, and he will just help around the house and stuff again and let me take it easy. People always wanna see the new babes, so I figure if I let them in the hospital right away they will give us space at home... It worked well last time.

katietopaz · November 2014

This has been really interesting and informative to read, thanks to everyone for sharing (and to the OP for posting the topic). I'm a FTM, and not sure what to expect in the weeks after birth. Both of our families live across the country. My ILs already had planned a month-long vacation to a beach house about half an hour from us, in the month of July, so they're not planning on flying out before that when the baby is born. Which is totally fine with me.

My mom has offered to come out and stay for however long we want, and help however we want her to - she's totally left the ball in our court, which I really appreciate and actually makes me more inclined to have her come and stay with us to cook and clean and be an extra pair of appropriately supportive hands. She's openly said that she wants to respect our boundaries as new parents and however much time we want to ourselves to bond with baby, but she's happy to help if we want.

This is something I'll have to think through a little more. My mom and I have a wonderful relationship (as do my DH and my parents) and I love the idea of having her staying with us to help, but I want to make sure DH and I get that important bonding time with baby.

Thanks for all the food for thought!

supersarah77 · November 2014

We said no overnight visitors for two weeks. My family is all out of town so they booked their flights for the end of the month (DD was due and born the beginning of the month). My MIL and FIL visited the hospital but stayed in the waiting room during labor and delivery and then said a quick hello and left once we were in a postpartum room. They've all had kids, too, and we're very understanding of wanting that period of time alone to adjust to this radical change. I hope your families would understand, too, you might be surprised.

Hconner3 · November 2014

This has been helpful to read! I can't decide how I want to handle visitors! I'm a FTM. My ILs and parents get along fine. (My parents are my dad and stepmom). However my biological mother is mentally ill and will show up at the hospital as soon as she hears I'm in labor. My parents and her do not get along. I do not want the added stress of having all 5 of them at the hospital. However I am on the fence because she is my mother, despite that we don't get along that well! I feel that she should get to be there if the other parents are there..

beezybaby · November 2014

Yeah, I would have my mom come on her own soon after the birth to HELP - i.e., her purpose for coming is to help, an added bonus for her is that she gets to see the baby. If she isn't good at helping, then she can wait.

Otherwise, I would tell other family when they CAN come, as opposed to just saying when they can't. That has helped feelings not be hurt in my experience.

ellab043 · November 2014

My parents came to visit about a month after DD was born and it was still stressful. I had to go into the nursery for almost an hour every two hours or so to feed her which I hated. I just wanted to be comfortable in my own home. Then they would ask "what' s for dinner" and it took all I had not to say whatever the hell you cook. UGH... not looking forward to that part at all. Hoping I will have some actual help this time.

tinyjoys · November 2014

I'll be having a repeat csection. My surgery will be sometime in the morning on either Thursday the 14 or Friday the 15 of May, assuming I don't go into labor before hand {my water broke 10 days early with my first and I had labor stopped twice at 33 and 35 weeks before it broke at 38}. Our plan is to have someone bring our son up around 3 or 4, spend an hour or two just us four, and then allow everyone else {my mom, my inlaws, my grandparents, maybe siblings} to come in and meet the baby around 5. That will give us time to rest, since I know the night before will be nervous, Christmas eve and I'm 5 sleep and love on the little person just us three before having to share them.

jenanns · November 2014

I think you have to do what feels right for you.

All our family is across the country and so I have a similar scenario. My sister will be coming to hopefully help during labor ( she is working on her nursing degree and has attended births before plus I know she has my back when it comes to med free mentality.) In addtion my monther in law is probably going to be there as it is also DH's graduation from college but she is very helpful and will do dishes and cook etc so I am not worried about that. My mom may or may not come right after but she is the same as mother in law a big help with all chores etc so I feel like these people will be helpful rather than harmful to our adjustment phase, but those are our specfiic circumstances.

My best freind dind't want anyone around for a few days even though her family is all nearby and everyone seemed to survive without too much of a fit about it.

lala5507 · November 2014

When I had my first baby everybody and their mother came to see me in the hospital (and stayed long!) I was an emotional wreck, hormones all over the place, breastfeeding wasn't going so well but I was too out of it to tell dh to stop letting people in.

The second time around I was so prepared to say "enough is enough" but we got less than half the visitors (poor second baby) but it was really nice and peaceful.

I don't mind visitors in the home if they are bringing food or are coming to entertain my kids while I sleep or shower.

Want a personalized experience?

Visitors after birth

Re: Visitors after birth

Choose Another Board

Search Boards