Help! Advice Needed

megrae12 · November 2014

I didn't want to post this on the main board mostly because, I don't really feel like it's my home right now. I love those ladies, but I don't think I am in the same place as them. That being said, can I pick your brains about something?

H is looking at our CP as a false positive. Seriously, in his mind b/c it didn't "stick" it was a false positive. Period. End of story in his mind. That hurts b/c I cannot talk about with him. I dunno how to change that perspective and now I am wondering if it was a false positive! Ugh! My brain is having a hard time. I just kind of feel lost about it? I think that is the way to put it. I dunno. I am not sure how to fix it, or talk to him about it. Should I just let him cope how he does and leave it? I need the advice of those smarter than me.

megrae12 · November 2014

@ktlovess Thanks for articles! My inner nerd was super happy about them :-B

I will try to figure out a way to talk to him about it. We are finally in a decent place (emotionally) and I do not want to do anything to jeopardize that. Bleh, I am in a pickle!

megrae12 · November 2014

ktlovess said:

I know the feeling. My husband and I have been in a really good place lately, and I have been super hesitant to bring up anything TTC related. But, I did because it was really bothering me...

It was my husband's coping mechanism to pretend that everything was fine. This makes me think that it's your husband's way of pretending that nothing happened. He is trying to protect his heart (and mind, and brain).

I promised to be more open with MH and that's why I talked to him... are you sure it would jeopardize where you are now?? It's hard to say...

Curse you for asking the hard questions!! But thank you as well, I needed to hear it. :x

megrae12 · November 2014

EurydiceNymph said:

((Hugs)) Hun. KT found some great articles. I think the bottom line is: you had a positive. When you got that result it made you happy, it gave you hope, you started planning for your baby. There was a baby - in your mind and in your heart. That is what matters.

You both need to grieve for that baby and what you have lost. I do agree that it sounds like a coping method on his part. Sit him down and tell him that it doesn't matter if it was a false positive or not -- you have still suffered a loss.

I love your straight to the point talk. It's why I

you so much. Thanks for that.

LizBlue · November 2014

No advice, but ((hugs)). I think my H understands that I was pregnant with my CP, but it was still "less pregnant" than I was when I had my mmc.

I hope you're able to talk about this with him. xo

Smootiepie · November 2014

Dude, @ktlovess rocked this so hard!!!

So here's my 2 cents: for women, we feel an attachment the second we get that BFP. For most guys, it's not until much later on (sometimes it takes up until the child is born). When I had my CP, it was really easy for DH to say something really similar to what YH said. And I honestly believe it's because he wasn't the one who was pg. Was he excited when I told him? Of course. But it wasn't a reality to him just yet.

It is so so so so so important for your relationship that you talk to YH about this. If it hurts you when he dismisses the CP, it's only going to create tension in your relationship. I would recommend just flat out telling him how much it hurts you. He loves you, and he's going to care if it's causing you pain. Try to understand where he's coming from (i.e. maybe he had no attachment yet), and make sure he understands where you're coming from. At the very least, then you will at least know the most sensitive way to approach the CP moving forward.

GL sweetie, and so many ((Hugs)). Feel free to PM me anytime. DH and I went through a long period of not communicating about TTC/my CP/IF, and it took a terrible toll on our marriage (almost to the point of divorce).

meredithcarole · November 2014

((Hugs)). The others have hit the nail on the head; it is a different experience for a woman than a man. This is probably his way of coping, but don't let that diminish your feelings. You had the hope, the fear, the dreams, the plans all in the instant you saw that double line. That was real and so was the positive. The grief is real, too. I hope KT's articles help him to understand what this is to you.

buggirl72 · November 2014

I'm sorry your H is downplaying your loss and trying to say it is a false positive. While this may be a coping mechanism on his part, it also might be flat-out ignorance to what a CP is. There are a lot of people, men and women alike, who do not think CPs are "real" for whatever flawed reason they have.

Also, he might believe this if you got only one positive HPT and had betas of zero when you went to the RE. If that was the case, then the possibility exists that he might be correct. Bottom line - if you had HCG in your system that means sperm met egg.

Honestly, I think it is important that he understands your feelings that you do not think this was a false positive, that this is a CP, and that you are mourning another loss. It just needs to be presented in a way that does not become an argument or over emotional, KWIM? You need to be able to support each other right now.

megrae12 · November 2014

@smootiepie You are very wise, love. Thank you for those words. I am working on a way to figure out how to talk to him. I am in a very shitty place. I am questioning our (my) decision to NTNP these next two cycles. I hate the pressure IF puts on you, I hate the feeling that I am in some kind of race that I am sure I will never win. I think the main thing, I got my first BFP in over a year and before I could really fathom it was real, it was gone. It's like a huge slap in the face! I think CPs are the cruelest of losses (they are all shitty), but these make you question EVERYTHING.

megrae12 · November 2014

@buggirl72 I love you, in the non-creepy way. You have such a gift for articulating things so well. I so admire that. Thank you for what you said. I think for him, he doesn't really know what a CP is. Our first loss allowed him time to understand I was pg, this one did not. It was over before it began. I think that made him go to false positive b/c in his mind it made sense. Thanks for being so wise and sharing that wisdom with me.

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