PLEASE HELP! Looking to adopt

[Deleted User] · November 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

MagickalNarwhal · November 2014

If you really have read the FAQ and done even cursory research on anything related to modern adoption, you would not have written the post that you did. On the VERY OFF CHANCE that this is not MUD or an AE, well, I'd suggest starting at the beginning again with the extensive resources in the FAQ.

CarolinaGirl2014 · November 2014

Bookworm was too nice. My advice? Don't adopt. You don't deserve to raise a child born of another person unless you educate yourself and change your outlook/attitude. You can't imagine the hurt you'd bring to a child raising them with the mentality that their birth parents are "POS's." They will of course grow up with abandonment issues and more significant grief over being adopted if they grow up thinking they weren't wanted.

I am a Birthmother. I wanted my daughter more than anything I've wanted in my entire life and couldn't have chosen adoption for her if I had loved her even the slightest bit less. I went through with placing her because I firmly believed she deserved two parents and so much more than I was capable of at that time. Part of that was finances. I had to quit my job due to the pregnancy and become a nanny, so I needed help with living expenses to ensure that the baby was taken care of. I didn't ask for handouts, didn't live extravagantly. I pinched pennies and went without wherever possible, but it wasn't enough.

But thanks for calling me a POS that didn't want my child.

BookitBoo · November 2014

I don't go here but you do not deserve to adopt a child. Birth mothers are incredibly strong, giving women. Your entire post is ignorant and hurtful.

maryoosa · November 2014

As you'll see, this may not be the best board for you. But in the event that you are just seriously misguided in beginning your adoption journey I'll try and answer a few of your questions, though the PP's are absolutely accurate in what they have said so far. Let me just address what they've noted as well. Calling anyone's birthparents "POS" isn't gonna get you very far on this board. While your SO's situation might have been completely unfortunate and there sounds like there is a lot of anger there, in general, those of us who have adopted tend to feel very grateful and care deeply about the birth families who have suffered significant loss and helped us to create our families. Expectant parent expenses don't pay for a child. They provide a pregnant person with necessary funds to maintain health and well-being during a heavily emotional and scary time of their lives. These funds are often limited by state laws regarding what can and can't be paid for. In general, you are providing for a limited time, rent, utilities, maternity clothing, medical expenses etc. As far as a birthparent trying to "get into their life," you are talking about kinship adoption in the case of you SO which is quite different that infant adoption; but also, birth parents most often place their children because they want something different than they are able to provide for the child being born, and in doing so, suffer intense loss. These parents want to know that their child is being raised in a happy and healthy environment and is being loved and cared for. Most adoptions don't look like lifetime movies with angry people trying to claw their way into a kids life. But open adoption helps everyone in the adoption triad understand and care for each other.

So, to answer your questions

1. You start by educating yourself. This means getting a solid understanding in what adoption is and in looking at the differences between open and closed adoptions. What you'll find is that at the very least semi-open adoption, especially in private adoptions is the norm nowadays and that closed adoptions are thought to be terribly detrimental to both children and their birth families. There are lots of good books that exist about why open adoption is a good option and how open adoption works.
2. There are literally thousands of infant adoption agencies. Adoption, though, is state regulated and therefore it's most logical to find out the laws of your state regarding adoption and then figure out from there what type of adoption professionals you are legally allowed to work with.
3.See #'s 1 and 2.
4. I'm not comfortable disclosing my total cost of adoption. But if you look at this link https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles/585/domestic-international-foster-adoption-expenses-2012-2013 you'll see that private adoption- either independent or agency based ranges roughly in sum between 35K and 40K.
5. No.

oliv0026 · November 2014

my DH have learned a lot since we have decided to adopt. we initially tjought about DIA, but for similar reasons to yours, we decided that was not for us. Related to the money is paid to the EM, I believe it is fair. This is to assure they have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I have seen many woman stay in bedrest and not being able to work. they were luck to have husbands to support them, but many of these women dont. they need a clean place to live and healthy food to eat. Ultimately, you would be helping the child too.
Now, that being said, we have decided to go with Foster to adopt. We openned up for aibbling groups 0-8 years old. We are in the process right now and we really feel this is for us. This is what we want. No matter what pass you take, it wont be easy. There is a lot to learn and you will be impressed to see how you will change your mind too! If you want to learn about the foster to adopt process, shoot me a message and I can share what I learned! It is a painful but beautiful program.

sgb721 · November 2014

You are all kind to respond to this poster in a helpful manner. I agree- this is MUD. The account was made the same day as this attrocious post.

nlscroggins · November 2014

this post hurt my heart. why on earth would anyone want to troll this of all boards with this hurtful garbage? OP I'm sad for you and whether this is true or not, I'm afraid you don't belong here.

CeCe8579 · November 2014

@nlscroggins‌, this post made me feel the same way. To the OP, we have wonderful birthmoms here. They are so selfless and loving! I would urge you to educate yourself. It will change how you see adoption so very much! Until then, I'm certain you aren't ready to adopt! I really hope this isn't real!

[Deleted User] · November 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

MagickalNarwhal · November 2014

If you are truly appreciating the rude responses I've got a few more for you. I can pm so as not to violate tou like you did. LMK.

sgb721 · November 2014

Here Here @bookworm92

IRR · November 2014

Knottie3937987 - I think once you attend some of the classes that the adoption agencies hold you may get a better perspective about adoption and why so many on here were offended by your post. I will say that if you truly believe all you posted that perhaps you should look into international adoption, although personally I think you need to first really think about why you and your SO think so poorly about the wonderful women who decide to let others adopt their children. GL.

Dr.Loretta · November 2014

I'm going to address several things here, including your questions.

First you say you want to adopt an infant or toddler through the state. Chances are that will not happen that often. The goal of foster care is reunification with family if possible, and from what I've seen here and elsewhere, those avenues are generally not exhausted until children are on the older side of toddlerhood. Just something to keep in mind. Also if you're adopting from foster care, you'll have the potential to encounter BPs who have made poor choices, or who have had a crappy lot in life. And from the rest of your post you seem to have some preconceived notions about that sort of situation. So this may not be the best avenue for you

Not all states allow payment of expectant parent expenses, other states mandate it. For some, it's a matter of prospective adoptive parents contributing to a birthmother fund, which the agency will use to pay out directly to a landlord, doctor's office, etc.

You say you feel uncomfortable paying someone who doesn't want their child. In the vast majority of adoption situations, the expectant/birth parents very much want to parent their child, and if their circumstances were any different, they would. But due to lack of money, family support, support from their SO, or a variety of other reasons, they feel that the best future for their child is adoption. They make the amazing sacrifice to give their child over to another family to raise him/her. So yeah, your comment struck a nerve. And in a lot of these cases, the expectant parents are choosing adoption due to financial issues. Therefore, BP expenses can be paid to make sure the baby comes into the world with birth parents who are housed, fed, and taken care of medically.

IMO your SO clearly needs therapy to deal with the issues surrounding his family. And he (and you) needs to realize that, in the vast majority of adoptions, the birth parents aren't "POS". They're making the best decision they can under the circumstances.

If you do proceed with considering adoption, you will/should read a lot of literature about open vs closed adoption, and the wide range of what is considered open. As many will tell you, open adoption is not a co-parenting situation. The adoptive parents are the parents, who make the big and little decisions on how to raise their child. Open adoption can be anything from letters and pictures through a 3rd party, all the way to visits at each other's homes, and everything in between. Again, in the vast majority of cases, everyone's relationship is set up and respected.

As for your questions:

1. There are adoption agencies and other sites (like RESOLVE) that have regular webinars, phone seminars, and in-person seminars on adoption. I encourage you to check some out near you and educate yourself on what adoption really looks like these days

2. That's a very broad question, and will depend on many factors. What fees are you looking at, do you want a local agency, what are your must-haves in an agency, etc. I'm not going to just give you the name of my agency, especially given your attitude about adoption in general

3. I'm not even sure what the point of this question is

4. Our adoption cost was about $34K. This included fees for the application, home study, profiles, matching, and post-placement/finalization. We got about 2/3 of that back from company adoption reimbursement and the adoption tax credit.

5. No. When we adopted, we wanted domestic infant adoption. We have discussed adopting from foster care in the future, but it's not on the radar.

lorifromwi · November 2014

Such an uninformed opinion. I'm a PAP for a FTA child. Her bio parents have issues for sure, some very significant issues that have, at times, made it difficult for me to relate to them and understand the choices they have made. However, I would never, ever, call them POS's for what's currently happening.

Just because we cannot understand what they are going through, how previous trama in their lives is impacting their judgement, gives us no right to assume a superior position about who they are. I was fortunate enough to meet the BM one time. I could see the love and longing in her eyes for her daughter. I could see the pain and the hopelessness of her feeling that she couldn't change what she believes to be inevitable (the loss of her child). It was painful to see.

I am also an adoptee and didn't get to meet my BM until much later in life. For all the stories I told myself over the years as to why I was adopted, none of them were true. She is an amazing, strong and powerful woman who made the best choice she could at the time.

I suggest you don't rely solely on your DH's experience and opinion of adoption to inform your future choices. That would be unfortunate for everyone involved.

leisemomtobe · November 2014

Personally, I don't think you need to adopt, or foster until you and your SO get a better understanding of what adoption is today. Educate yourself!

erinmc1 · November 2014

Whew. This was a big old can of worms, wasn't it?

I think your thoughts about birthparents are kind of jumbled together. Most of the women that choose adoption during pregnancy do it for the sake of the children. If they didn't care about the welfare of those children, they would abort their babies and be done with it, or leave them in dumpsters. But instead, they take the steps to select pre-qualified, financially stable families. So while many of them have made mistakes and might not be the type of people you, personally, would invite over dinner, they are also the kind of people to see a maybe not entirely wanted/planned pregnancy to term, so that another family can have the joy of raising a child. If you give them respect for nothing else, give them the respect of understanding that they're giving you (and I) the chance you don't otherwise have to parent. If you aren't comfortable paying maternity expenses, you are most certainly entitled to make that a qualifier when you adopt through an agency. It might rule you out for some placement situations, but not all.

Foster to adopt actually seems to be where most of your husband's, and therefore your, bitterness lies. You might want to entirely rethink that whole avenue, as it seems to have caused your family a lot of unresolved anger that would most definitely be detrimental in raising a child with physical or emotional special needs and their own traumas.

CaptainSerious · November 2014

I went back and forth about responding to this post, mostly because you deleted and may have left the board and your post was old. But I felt it was important, because many of the views you express are held by a segment of the community that doesn't know a lot about modern-day adoption, and I feel it's important to address some of those ideas and misconceptions head on.

Often, I've found that adults who were adopted as children and have negative perceptions of their birth parents or adoption in general were raised in a closed adoption situation, or never had their early trauma sufficiently addressed either in therapy or by the adults in their lives. Even in cases of abuse and neglect, birth parents are rarely just evil people who don't have feelings for their children. In most cases, addiction or mental illness clouds their judgement and ability to make good choices, and while they would very much like to have a functional relationship with their children, they simply do not have the faculties to do so.

The majority of adoptions in the US are not cases of child abandonment, abuse, or neglect, but situations where the birth families love their child so much that they decide to find a family better situated to raise them. This is the most selfless act of love I can ever imagine.

In either of the above cases, the biological parents are POSs who don't want their child, as you have termed them, but either selfless parents who want the best for their child, even if it means removing themselves from their daily lives, or people wracked with addition or mental illness who suffer every day, most notably from the loss of their children. THAT is why your language regarding birth parents is offensive.

Your view of birth parents likely also informed your decision to pursue a closed adoption, which I strongly urge you to reconsider. I, perhaps more than most, can understand the reasons for wanting a closed adoption. In fact, my husband and I were looking for that kid of situation to, at first, and we sort of guaranteed it by adopting internationally. However, we learned from our children just how wrong our decision was. Our oldest was raised by his birth mother for the first several years of his life, and he pines for her. Not in a way that takes away from his love for me, but he loves her, misses her, and fears for her safety. He understands why she can't raise him, but having an open adoption would sooth his fears and concerns, while allowing him that vital connection to his mother, who loves him and raised him to the best of her ability. My youngest knows nothing about his birth family, and assumes they are dead because it's the only scenario he can emotionally accept. Knowing who there are, and why they couldn't raise him would be a great comfort to him and help him to understand his life so much more.

All research shows that it is vital to the emotional health of adopted children to have some kind of link to their birth families. It helps them understand that they were not "not wanted" or cast away, but that there were very real pressures that their families couldn't overcome, and that's why they needed new families to raise them.

Adoptions are legal and irreversible at the time of finalization. No one can come out of the woodwork and try to get your child back, no matter how many Lifetime movies and "family stories" say otherwise. Your husband's adoption was a kinship adoption, which always complicates matters, because the birth family remains in the child's legal family. Honestly, in that kind of situation, both birth and adoptive parents needs to be extremely respectful of one another's boundaries for things to work, and it sounds like that may not have been the case in his childhood (further complicated by the fact that it sounds like his birth parents may have tried to raise him on their own at first). You do not have to worry about that kind of thing in a non-kinship adoption; as the adoptive and legal parents, you hold all the cards and can create whatever guidelines on the relationship you need to feel comfortable and protected, while still enabling your child enough of a relationship with his/her birth family to grown into an emotionally stable adult.

Now that I have addressed all that, I will say that the answer to all your other questions are in the FAQs. If you go back and read them carefully, I'm sure there are several of us that would be happy to answer any other, more specific questions you may have. Just please be mindful of the fact that this board is for (prospective) adoptive parents, expectant/birth/biological families, and individuals who were adopted. As such, we ask that you treat all members of the triad with respect.

Want a personalized experience?

PLEASE HELP! Looking to adopt

Re: PLEASE HELP! Looking to adopt

Choose Another Board

Search Boards