S/O from UO: Gender norms and raising kids

SuzyQq02 · November 2014

I read an article last week that got me thinking, and the conversation in UO about babies wearing different colors touched off more thoughts… curious how F14 feels.

I would consider myself a very strong feminist, and I think that anyone who knows me would agree, given my political views and causes I support/volunteer for. I don’t think anyone would question my intent or ability to raise DD as a strong, independent woman who can do anything she wants to do.

And yet…

In practice, my day to day life conforms strongly with “typical” female roles. I work in a female-dominated “pink collar” career. I’m very much the “second income” in our household. MH works as many as 80 hours a week regularly, so by default, I become responsible for the majority of our home “stuff”… laundry, dishes, caring for DD. I also happen to love to cook, so I do the majority that as well. MH, however, is a CPA and manages our finances. I also tend to present as more feminine… I wear my hair long, I love the color pink and wear it often, I prefer skirts and dresses to pants.

I guess I wonder how explicit I am going to need to be with DD that these are just my preferences and aptitudes (and MH’s as well), not that “mommies do this and daddies do that”. (How much I’VE been shaped by those expectations notwithstanding!)

Kind of a vague and weighty topic, and I know we’ve hit on pieces of this before but… what are your thoughts about teaching your kids about gender roles?

boogerbearoriginal · November 2014

One big problem I have with some self-described feminists is the notion that "female" things are undesirable traits/preferences which IMO is just more patriarchy. This is not to say you're doing that OP, but that I'd prefer people instead value pink/skirts/etc as just as acceptable as blue/slacks, kwim? That the real, hard work that's done in the home isn't viewed as lessor than the hours of work your H is doing outside the home. I guess what I hate is how we devalue so many feminine things in our society and thus encourage our girls towards "boy" things because they're valued as a better choice.

Since H/I both work similar hours outside the home, we tend to split a lot of household chores based on preferences vs. gender norms. So we both will do dishes, cook, and clean. He is the only one who vacuums lol. Granted, he also does some stereotypical "boy" jobs like mowing the lawn, but I do yard work too like help with raking, etc.

We try to teach our kids that everyone pitches in around the house, it's just part of being a family. And as the kids get older, I will encourage them to explore whatever interests they may develop whether it's sports, science, care-giving, etc. Unfortunately they'll be subject to a barrage of outside influences that showcase girls = pink/mommies/etc and boys = blue/sports/etc and we'll work on talking about those things in age appropriate ways. Since they're little we keep it simple, by stating that different people have different likes/dislikes and it's ok. Thankfully it's not come up too much yet.

boogerbearoriginal · November 2014

@tlex, I remember that article and told H that it meant he was stuck vacuuming for life, hahaha.

boogerbearoriginal · November 2014

Bookshelves said:

This is something I worry about too, especially now that I've chosen to stay at home. I'm proud that I graduated from law school and had a successful career as a lawyer for as long as I did. I worry that DS (and future LOs) won't have ever seen me in that role. I want to make it clear to my children that this was my choice - that I never felt compelled as a woman to take this role but that I very much wanted to. Not sure if this needs to be an explicate conversation or not. It's difficult.
Ditto this, but different career. Poor @meghan14 has been listening to me ramble on about this in the SAHM check-in for months now.

I love SAHP, not because of some pandering about how it's the hardest job in the world but because you're showing the world there is nothing shameful about working in the home. Damn this world for devaluing caregiving, homemaking as nothing since they don't bring in $$$. I hope your sons and daughters grow up to be proud of you for following the path that was best for your family.

inluv4life2 · November 2014

Do what you like and encourage your daughter to explore her interests no matter the typical gender role. Have age appropriate dialogs about choices and options and let her know that all families are different. Expose her to diversity. You've got this mama!

SuzyQq02 · November 2014

boogerbearoriginal said:

One big problem I have with some self-described feminists is the notion that "female" things are undesirable traits/preferences which IMO is just more patriarchy. This is not to say you're doing that OP, but that I'd prefer people instead value pink/skirts/etc as just as acceptable as blue/slacks, kwim? That the real, hard work that's done in the home isn't viewed as lessor than the hours of work your H is doing outside the home. I guess what I hate is how we devalue so many feminine things in our society and thus encourage our girls towards "boy" things because they're valued as a better choice.

Since H/I both work similar hours outside the home, we tend to split a lot of household chores based on preferences vs. gender norms. So we both will do dishes, cook, and clean. He is the only one who vacuums lol. Granted, he also does some stereotypical "boy" jobs like mowing the lawn, but I do yard work too like help with raking, etc.

We try to teach our kids that everyone pitches in around the house, it's just part of being a family. And as the kids get older, I will encourage them to explore whatever interests they may develop whether it's sports, science, care-giving, etc. Unfortunately they'll be subject to a barrage of outside influences that showcase girls = pink/mommies/etc and boys = blue/sports/etc and we'll work on talking about those things in age appropriate ways. Since they're little we keep it simple, by stating that different people have different likes/dislikes and it's ok. Thankfully it's not come up too much yet.

ITA with the part I bolded above, and I definitely see my choices as totally valid and feminist... after all, I feel l like feminism is about choices! I just worry that things that are MY choices will get read as "WOMAN'S choices"... when they're not.

sdlaura · November 2014

I think most parents struggle with this. My DH is usually very good about not reinforcing gender stereotypes and I got really annoyed with him last weekend for saying he was looking forward to playing trains with DS - he felt bad and now we're getting DD trains for Xmas so that both kids can play with them. It's also something that worries me a little about having a child of each sex - that we will inadvertently treat them differently. I grew up with a sister and my parents really encouraged us to ignore gender stereotypes, and it's a big reason I work in a male-dominated industry. We still break down a lot of household duties along traditional gender lines, though, so it's not like me working outside the home has protected us from that.

TessyMessy · November 2014

I have two boys so I have always tried to exemplify what a strong female looks like. Currently this is by holding down a strong career in a field which some consider male-dominated. DS1 doesn't understand that yet and I won't be in a hurry to point that out to him. A few years ago I SAH and did the normal house chores along with some "masculine" things like yardwork and shoveling snow. I think its important for my boys to see both sides of this issue. Mommy works hard at work but also cooks a kick ass dinner. Daddy works hard but also does his own laundry.

TBH the only gender-based judgments my 7 year old has made is that boys don't floss. He told the dentist this last week.

Meghan14 · November 2014

@Bookshelves : never say "poor Meghan14" I am usually nodding along because I frequently feel the same way.

I really want to take time and respond to this post because it is something I think about quite a bit, but I am trying to get to BIL "rehearsal" dinner. I may throw my 2 cents in much later.

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