Husband Vs. Family (Rant) — The Bump
Stay at Home Moms

Husband Vs. Family (Rant)

That's right I am in this freaking dilemma and just under 20wks preggo.

Here's the scenario my husband just does not like my mother or sister.. which ultimately makes me feel horrible since they are my family granted my mom is a pain in the ass and as inappropriate as they come and is always saying the wrong things plus adding opinions that are quite frankly.. ridiculous and rude... on the other hand there is my sister who is the complete opposite and is more of a 'hippy' ( I say this in a good way) she's all about love and being free spirited and living as the moment comes which is fine is her life and I love her no matter how she lives it..

My husband and I have been married for 7yrs and together for 10 and in those younger years he and both my mom and sister had altercations with him because- when we where younger my then BF lived with us and we drank and partied (yes under-aged and yes with my mom) and one of these party nights things got out of hand and things were said from both parties and so tension has been building since the early years. With my sister there are similar problems there were falls out -Years ago almost a decade!- but the tension on my husbands side has been rising..

For years he would put on a happy face -for me- when they visited which has been like twice in 6ish year (since we live far away) but now after having had a kiddo and with another one on the way my husband has decided he's no longer going to 'put up' with them :( and I feel awful .. he says they are not welcome in our home unless he's away for work which he's in the army so there are some weeks/months that I am alone.. but I just don't think this is fair. I mean its not like my family is visiting yearly and its only for a couple of days or 2 week tops.. why the FFFF cant he put on that happy face?!?!?

:-S

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Re: Husband Vs. Family (Rant)

  • I would need more info before I could really give you advice... Are they disrespectful and rude to him? Is he overreacting from something that happened so long ago and things now are fine? For me, ultimately my husband comes first. If my Mom or sister were rude, disrespectful, hateful, etc to my husband I would understand him not wanting them in our house or to spend time with them. If they are just quirky which it sounds like may be the case with your sister, I would try to work it out- may she visits but stays at a hotel? Hosting family can get stressful and it's even worse if your husband wouldn't feel comfortable in his own home. Maybe you and the kids could go visit your Mom and sister where they live? Is it possible to have a big family sit down and try to resolve these issues from the past and work through any lingering things? Sorry you're going through this! Hope things work out the best for you and your husband.
    Disneygeek77Stephij1ArmyWife114
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  • snowbound said:
    I think he is being unreasonable. So what if he doesn't like them. It's your family and he should respectful of that. That doesn't mean he has to best friends with them but a level of maturity should be expected. If/when they visit, have them stay somewhere else to "keep the peace."
    I think it's kind of ironic that he's in the army, but can't keep the peace at home.
    PrimRoseMamasnowbound[Deleted User]MesmrEwe
  • Team You.

    Your husband is being unreasonable.

    My husband's mother is a true nightmare. Imagine Tiger Mom on crack. Always picking, criticizing & nothing is good enough. I still slap on a smile & welcome them into our home. FIL loves to play with the kids & despite the constant bitching from MIL, I still try to make them welcome at least twice a month.

    I seriously get stressed out but I feel it's good for the kids to spend time with their Grandparents. My dad died & my mom lives in another state. So, I do sometimes feel jaded that my folks don't get as much time with my LO's.

    So, I'd talk to him & work out a compromise. If he really can't stand them he can take an afternoon to go do something while they visit. It's not fair to your kids to deny them visits with their grandparent because your husband can't strap a 2x4 to his spine & deal.


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    snowboundMesmrEwe
  • I would need more info before I could really give you advice... Are they disrespectful and rude to him? Is he overreacting from something that happened so long ago and things now are fine? For me, ultimately my husband comes first. If my Mom or sister were rude, disrespectful, hateful, etc to my husband I would understand him not wanting them in our house or to spend time with them. If they are just quirky which it sounds like may be the case with your sister, I would try to work it out- may she visits but stays at a hotel? Hosting family can get stressful and it's even worse if your husband wouldn't feel comfortable in his own home. Maybe you and the kids could go visit your Mom and sister where they live? Is it possible to have a big family sit down and try to resolve these issues from the past and work through any lingering things? Sorry you're going through this! Hope things work out the best for you and your husband.

    This. Sounds very similar to my family. Good luck!

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    [Deleted User]
  • Why doesn't he like them ?  Is it because he thinks they are annoying or are they disrespectful and rude to him ?
  • What's going to happen when the baby arrives? He's going to leave you two alone so your family can visit? Although he is your husband, they are your family and if they only visit a few times a year he should be the bigger person and tolerate them for a few days (if they are in fact just odd and not blatantly rude to either of you).
  • The issue with my sister is that he doesn't agree with her lifestyle as well as the fact that they got into it years ago but she visited me about 2 years ago and he was fine -as in he put on the happy face for me- then a couple of months ago she randomly told me hey some of my friends are going to Hawaii can I drop by and visit (now she has the ability to visit me anytime with no kids and basically works successfully for herself) this bothered my husband in two ways one why is she only visiting when its convenient for her and how can she just invite herself like that.. I have no problem with it since I am a SAHM and I didn't think it would bother him either since he works mon-fri till pretty late (her visit wouldn't affect any aspect of his life besides her being in home with us) but all of this was just too much for him and he said 'no im not dealing with her no more' she can visit and stay elsewhere but as long as im home she wont be here.

    As for my mom well yes she's rude but this is nothing new and he's dealt with it for years but lately she's been extra opinionated (mind you my husband hears maybe a 1/4 of the things she has to say and even that because these are just things that bother me so much that I cant them keep to myself) even as she asked us for help with money -not much but help no less- and we did now as I said I stay home and my husband provides and while the money is equally ours he is offended that even after we help her she has the audacity to say the dumbest things.

    My moms reaction to my first pregnancy was NOO Stef--WHY?! and to this one was well I didn't expect you to have another baby..Really....?

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  • So your Sister invited herself to YOUR (the royal you, as in his and yours) home and you said yes without asking him first AND your mother is rude, provides unsolicited opinions where she has no right to have a say in, allowed underage drinking (and now that he has a child may see how wrong that was), and requires money from you...

    And you do not see the problems?  

    So while I understand that he has "put on a happy face" all these years, but sometimes people finally grow up and recognize that they don't actually HAVE to put up with entitled, rude, and even dangerous people.  Especially when their children are now being influenced by the bad behaviors. 

    Your mother and sister are in the wrong and just because they are your family, it does not mean that they can treat your husband or you this way. 
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    [Deleted User]
  • TEam you. They are your family. They only want to visit very rarely. Obviously your mom doesn't have a ton of $$ and they are coming from far away, meaning getting a hotel room may mean that they can't come. If they CAN get a hotel room, that would help, but either way he should be supportive. He is gone most of the time ANYWAY. If this is important to you, he should respect you enough to put up with them for a short time. Even if they drive him nuts. He should suck it up for a few evenings or whatever it is that he would actually be around them. I think it sounds like he is being very difficult, unfair and controlling about this and needs to loosen up. It's not like they are horrible people and/or are trying to visit ALL the time.
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  • I'm team "Address the elephants in the room!"...

    1) He needs to "buck up" a bit when it comes to what you've described for the hippy sister (.  Of course she's going to come visit when it's convenient for her - everyone who plans trips anywhere in the country on vacation does so!  There's no one who plans a vacation during the busiest season of their work...  Chances are given the discipline of his career choice he's seeing hers as a opposite end of the bell curve but has to realize that she's supporting herself doing so thus is discipline to be had in that respect.

    2) Yes, the Mom situation needs to be addressed, tell her she's entitled to her opinion, but she needs to STOW IT!  And reinforce the stowing it!  Next the finances, either in the future it's written out as a loan with payments and interest or it can't be done.

    3) Asking them to stay at a hotel is not out of the running.  OTOH, a lot depends on the nature of the beast when it comes to his work situation.  He's not exactly in a stress-free business, however he also needs to pull his head out of his...  That said, it's not like your family lives just up the road and are coming for a visit each week, you're basically isolated from them so visiting them once in a while should be a priority. 

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    [Deleted User]
  • Ilumine said:
    So your Sister invited herself to YOUR (the royal you, as in his and yours) home and you said yes without asking him first AND your mother is rude, provides unsolicited opinions where she has no right to have a say in, allowed underage drinking (and now that he has a child may see how wrong that was), and requires money from you...

    And you do not see the problems?  

    So while I understand that he has "put on a happy face" all these years, but sometimes people finally grow up and recognize that they don't actually HAVE to put up with entitled, rude, and even dangerous people.  Especially when their children are now being influenced by the bad behaviors. 

    Your mother and sister are in the wrong and just because they are your family, it does not mean that they can treat your husband or you this way. 

    As usual I think she is giving terrible advice here, but then again my husband is a good person and is fine with guests in our house. The underage drinking thing with your mom would be a ridiculous cause because you are always there. Look I don't like my inlaws either, but I grin and bear it because they are my husbands family and that's what decent people do. Have a talk with your husband.
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