The Default Parent

singingsea · November 2014

Although my husband is super helpful and an awesome dad I am definitely the default parent.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/m-blazoned/the-default-parent_b_6031128.html

kleigh926 · November 2014

I saw this last week and had to laugh. DD is enamored with daddy right now, so the part about the kids always going straight to the default parent doesn't necessarily apply yet. But all the rest of it... absolutely. DH definitely helps a lot and is a great dad, but I'm the one who knows everything and sometimes has to tell him how/when to do things.

Poppy523 · November 2014

I'm on the same page as @Kleigh926 DD loves her some DH right now and pretty much goes back and forth everyday about who her favorite is, so she doesn't always come to me. But as far as knowing everything, like how to put together a meal or a sippy cup, that's all me. It makes sense since that's my full time job and I spend a lot more time doing those tasks, but even when I was working I was still the default. DH is great, he just doesn't know what he is talking about

singingsea · November 2014

Sagen said:

YES! I read this article, and I am so the default parent!

I loved this line:
I also manage the organization of drawers between seasons to see what fits. This is a crap job that only the default parent even knows exists.

Yes. That's the line that got me too. We're overdue. Some of my son's 2T clothes are getting tight.

ericalee27 · November 2014

seadragon2013 said:

DH is an amazing parent and a great husband in many ways, but he sucks at the logistics.

This...........

I don't think he has any clue how much information is stored inside my head between my job as a project manager and my at home job as project manager of our household. I don't know how it doesn't all start leaking out of my ears at some point....my brain doesn't ever stop.

draeray · November 2014

ericalee27 said:

seadragon2013 said:

DH is an amazing parent and a great husband in many ways, but he sucks at the logistics.

This...........

I don't think he has any clue how much information is stored inside my head between my job as a project manager and my at home job as project manager of our household. I don't know how it doesn't all start leaking out of my ears at some point....my brain doesn't ever stop.

Same here. I am a PM and my husband recently started staying home with the kids full time. I come home and he still acts like he has no clue how to run the house! Seriously, the 8 year old gets out of school the same time every day. The dentist appointment I have texted you 100x with the information and you still ask what time it is. How is it you are home all day and can't keep these things under control? I am working and still running the house.

Another example: DS#2 has had a fever for three days. Do you think my husband has called the doctor to make an appointment to take him in? Nope. He wouldn't even know how to find the phone number.

draeray · November 2014

@sagen omg! are you married to my husband? In the beginning of October I took a day off work and we decided to all go to the Pumpkin Patch which was a huge farm with lots of activities. I was busy getting our older son all ready to go so I told DH to get #2 ready (diapers, sippy, snacks, shoes, coat etc.) As we were leaving I noticed baby didn't have shoes on his feet. I asked my husband and he said I'll get them in a minute. So I loaded everyone up in the car and we drove 1 hour to the pumpkin patch. We get there, I asked DH where the shoes were and guess who didn't grab them??? Yep. So now we are on a farm with a 20 month old with no shoes in Colorado. Baby is screaming to get out of the stroller and run around, and I am so pissed at my DH I tell him we might as well turn around and go home because we can't keep #2 in the stroller the whole time crying because he doesn't have shoes.

DH gets a great idea to run to the closest town (20 mins away) and get him some shoes. Well DS#2 has flinstone feet and I have to order his shoes online because he needs EXTRA wide. He gets to a shoe store and finds some $50 Nike's in a wide. He comes back and we squeeze his little feet in and spend the next 4 hours at the farm. Needless to say, I ripped DH a new one and told him you NEVER EVER put baby in the car without shoes on FIRST.

fignewt74 · November 2014

Haha! I was in the middle of reading the article when an email popped up from DH that says "Am I free to go to a basketball coaches meeting next Wednesday at 7:00?" Yes you are DH, yes you are...

)

singingsea · November 2014

This made me spit out my coffee

"I honestly think the default parent is a good idea and probably necessary for the survival of the species. Otherwise, kids would be left places, doing blow, and the whole operation would fall apart."

LOL

Puck1182 · November 2014

Haha, yes I am definitely the default parent. DH is great about pulling his weight - changing/washing diapers, grocery shopping, cooking meals, playing with DD, etc.

But I'm the organized one who makes the grocery list, plans meals, and makes sure we're on top of laundry and cleaning and such, whereas he just tends to wing it, and when he's in charge things get a bit messed up. Like last month when I had a morning Saturday shift, and I didn't think I had to specify that he should feed DD lunch before I got home from work at 1;00, since 1:00 is her naptime. So I got home and DH hadn't even started preparing her lunch, and she was simultaneously hungry and tired and proceeded to refuse to eat and just threw a tantrum in her high chair, so I just nursed her until she fell asleep and she didn't eat lunch until after her nap, which then threw off dinner and the whole rest of the day. I have now learned I need to give DH very detailed instructions, even if he complains that I must think he's stupid when I do that. ;-)

wifeofadam · November 2014

Sagen said:

YES! I read this article, and I am so the default parent!

I loved this line:
I also manage the organization of drawers between seasons to see what fits. This is a crap job that only the default parent even knows exists.

Crack me up. There are so many things I do for the kids that DH has no idea are even a "thing".

But then again, I think there are a million things he does for the family that I have no idea about, too. Like having to clean various filters on large appliances a couple times a year or making sure the crawl space vents get closed during appropriate seasons or changing the oil on the lawnmower. Oh, and the bills. People have asked me how much our electricity bill is or insurance or something like that and I have no idea because I haven't even had to look at a bill since we've gotten married. I just throw the mail in his pile and magically everything gets paid on time every month. I bet that's how he feels about the kids - somehow magically they end up getting their shots on time or new shoes that fit every season but he has no idea how or when it gets done.

I guess he's the default home manager and I'm the default parent. lol

wifeofadam · November 2014

Also, I think my DH stopped doing a lot of things early on in our parenting life because I was too critical. Like the few times he attempted to give me a break and get the kids ready for church for me so I could just spend a Sunday morning focusing only on getting myself ready. I remember coming out of the bathroom and seeing the kids dressed in these ridiculous mismatched outfits with play shoes on and hair all over the place and I was like, "They can't wear that to church!!" Or maybe there were times where he said he would handle meals for the kids on the weekend and I came into the kitchen to find them eating stuff I didn't want them to have and let him know it. I think one too many critiques of his help made him not want to do it anymore.

I'm slowly working on letting DH have his own way without me putting my two cents in. Part of it is my own standards slipping through the years. I'm hoping that eventually, as DH starts having the freedom to help without critique and ends up doing it more, the kids will start to realize that DH is capable of helping them with those things, too. Maybe once they recognize that, they will start to go to him for help instead of always going to me by default.

ohlordy · November 2014

"The stuff that the default parent is storing in their brain is in direct correlation to the amount of wine they are drinking. Too much.". LOL!! I'm I the default here and even when my SDs are here. I dig it, but it's overwhelming sometimes. DH is a great loving dad, but a lot is on my plate.

MalRiggs · November 2014

Totally the default

Rosebean · November 2014

Yep. DH is off for a boys trip to AZ for 4 days while I stay home with the kids. And the part that irked me was I asked for time to take a shower today and it didn't happen until 10 pm. When I vented to him that I didn't like showering at night, he was all like "well, you know, that's what happens when you have kids." NO! No, that's what happens when you're last!!!! I want to be crawling into bed at 10 pm, not hopping in the shower, drying myself to find my towel covered in your body hair (someone had to shave to look good in his swimsuit), and not have my hair dry until 11!

tamarar5 · November 2014

Sagen said:
YES! I read this article, and I am so the default parent!

I loved this line:
I also manage the organization of drawers between seasons to see what fits. This is a crap job that only the default parent even knows exists.

I can literally be sitting on the couch next to dh, and the kids can be playing with him. But if they want a drink, snack, diaper, etc. they come to me.

And @Sagen‌, I don't just do that step for the kids, but it's my job to unpack dh's seasonal clothes too. Luckily, at least for him there isn't many.

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