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1st Birthday Vent

syang5syang5 member
in Working Moms
So long story short, DH, DS and I had planned to move from our current location where all of his family are to my home state back in September. That fell through after I got a job offer where we currently are. We also had already told most of his family that we were moving. DS turns one this month and so they had planned to throw us a surprise going away/super early first birthday party when they found out we were moving. They put a deposit not the venue already so we agreed to change the date and use it for DS's birthday this month.

DH and I are very simple people and we had planned to have his first birthday at home with immediate family only. I had told my mother in law this when he was 6 months old and she gave me a look like I was crazy.

Anyway, DH sent me the updated guest list from his mom today which is a total of 48 families! Keep in mind some of these families have 4-6 people in them and some I have not even heard of. They are paying for the venue and the food, so I guess they can invite who they want, but I feel like it's starting to be less about my son and more about entertaining everyone.

I am not against big first birthdays if that's your thing, but for me it's not. I know my inlaws mean well, but where do you draw the line?


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Re: 1st Birthday Vent

  • syang5syang5 member

    PrivacyWanted said:
    May I ask where you are living?
    Because I have a lot of friends in HI and I know that 1st birthday parties are a HUGE deal there. Maybe elsewhere too?  And I think to be understanding of the family and cultural traditions I'd let them throw the party they want, and then I'd have the small family party I wanted on the actual birthday
    Thanks. We live in San Francisco. I've heard about HI birthdays - my mgr said his sister lives there and they spent thousands. I talked to my sister too and she said something similar.
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  • shakinrosshakinros member
    PrivacyWanted said:

    May I ask where you are living?
    Because I have a lot of friends in HI and I know that 1st birthday parties are a HUGE deal there. Maybe elsewhere too?  And I think to be understanding of the family and cultural traditions I'd let them throw the party they want, and then I'd have the small family party I wanted on the actual birthday

    Agree with this. Let them do their thing. It's a bummer it will be stressful for you but try to think if it as attending a family gathering. His 1st birthday party at home can be your party, that you do the way you want.
     Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • syang5syang5 member
    Thanks ladies. I had my brief freak out moment and am still a bit disappointed but will try and look at things the way you mentioned.
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  • traveltheworldtraveltheworld member

    Well, it's better than having no acknowledgment.  When DS (only grandchild) turned one, my ILs and DH's brother and SIL didn't even acknowledge it.  They all live locally and we see them once a week - but nope, not even a card, present, or anything.  So just take advantage of the free party and try to enjoy yourself!

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  • TheBorg7of9TheBorg7of9 member
    I personally would not agree to a 1st bday party with 250 people. That's crazy! But hey, think of all the presents. :)
    My TTC History:
    2009: missed miscarriage #1 at 9 weeks (trisomy 16)
    2010: Infertility
    2011: Diagnosis and treatment (low sperm count, anastrozole for DH, clomid for me + IUI)
    2012: Baby #1
    2014: Baby #2
    October 2015: missed miscarriage #2 at 11 weeks (trisomy 22)
    March 2016 BFP#5, due November 2016.

    My Charts since 2009

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  • syang5syang5 member
    TheBorg7of9 said:
    I personally would not agree to a 1st bday party with 250 people. That's crazy! But hey, think of all the presents. :)
    I agree it's crazy! but yes hopefully the college fund will benefit from it.
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  • syang5syang5 member
    alli2672 said:

    Just out of curiosity, did this come up with your wedding too? 

    Also, what exactly do you have to do for the party?  Are the IL's paying, but you have to do all of the planning, ordering, sending out invites and keeping track, decorating, figuring out logistics, etc?  Or do you just have to show up and go with it for two hours? 

    If you have to do a lot for the party, and/or are technically hosting the party (even if they are paying), then I think it's completely appropriate to tell your IL's that you want to have fewer people and keep it more simple.  However, if they are throwing a party with your son as the guest of honor, then you probably shouldn't say anything but "thank you." 

    They had initially wanted to do everything, but I wasn't really okay with that as I wanted to have input - he is my first and only. I felt like I would be gypped out of all the special things that come with that and also if things weren't done nicely then it would look bad on me - like I didn't care. At the time I had asked to help plan, I did not know the guestlist was this extensive. I also offered to get the drinks before knowing this. Lessons learned for baby #2 lol
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  • jenn43jenn43 member
    That is absurd.  I would definitely feel very grumpy about going to that.  My ILs tried to do something similar with my baby shower (though only 40 people, not 40 families!)  I tried working with them to limit the guest list, but finally told them I didn't want a shower when they insisted on keeping everyone on the list.  Probably not a great option for a 1st birthday, since you don't have the "crazy pregnancy hormones" excuse to fall back on.
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  • limechiffonlimechiffon member
    Huge parties are the norm in my husband's family/community as well.  So I sympathize.  My MIL hosted by baby shower and invited a whole bunch of friends I had never met before -- not close friends, just people she invited because she was at their kids' showers.  

    My husband's take was that if she's paying then let her have one party to do whatever she wants. And to be fair that has worked out so far - we planned DD's baptism as immediate family only, not even uncles and cousins, and I never heard a complaint. Maybe they said something to my husband but if they did it never made it back to me.
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                                                          Baby Girl born May 16, 2014
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  • skibunny59skibunny59 member
    It sounds like his family really really loves your DS and are going to miss him a lot.  I think it's a little much for a first birthday party (for DD's party we had 45 adults and 6 kids and even that was a lot) but honestly, your son won't remember it and you can still have your intimate, smaller party at home near his actual birthday.

    I wouldn't even think of this as his birthday party but as just the going away party.  And if they are paying and inviting that many people, I would absolutely let them do everything.  
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  • SunAndRainSunAndRain member
    TheBorg7of9 said:
    I personally would not agree to a 1st bday party with 250 people. That's crazy! But hey, think of all the presents. :)
    I'd be thinking of all the thank you cards I'd have to write!
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