How to tell unsupportive family members I'm pregnant?

TishaSchreffler · November 2014

Well, this isn't my first rodeo. I became pregnant with my first baby in 2010. The whole pregnancy, my side of the family was unsupportive and all around mean to me. I regretted telling them I was pregnant. Luckily I was a state away so all I got was nasty phone calls. They didn't realize the damage they caused to me. I took a whole 2 pictures of myself pregnant. I was ... depressed. I did have amazing support and love from my then boyfriend (now husband) and his whole family! It was great but of course a girl like me (most girls) needed support and advice from her mom and dad. No such thing happened. I won't go into detail of what all was said but I believe I am damaged for life. I forgave them...but I'll never forget. My son was born, June 8, 2011. My parents came up to denver to meet him. It was very awkward for my husband and I. All of the things they said to me and probably about me was like they had never ever said such things. It was hard to get over. ...Still is. Now that my son is here...They are all he talks about. They are now proud to be grandparents and to have him as their grandson.

Fast forward to now. I'm 7 weeks pregnant with our second baby. I haven't told anyone but my husband. ..and mistakenly my sister. I already got a taste of NO support from my sister. I was shocked at just how freaking rude she was. She was saying she supported us but damn... The way she said it and said 'I don't know why you THINK you need another kid!' I'm ready, my husband is ready....isn't that all that should matter? I cried telling OJ what she said and how she said things over the phone. I don't get it. Oh and another thing I said was, ' I don't feel like you are being supportive. ' she said, ' well, don't expect me to jump up and down that you're pregnant. I'm not that kind of sister. ' Yeah, ouch! So now you see my hesitation and stress. I am terrified history will repeat itself. I Do not know how to tell my family now that we live within driving distance. I'm scared. I don't want to be depressed when this should be the most exciting time in my life. I did threaten saying if I am ever treated the way they treated me the first time...I'm cutting all ties and contact. I don't want to do that at all but I don't deserve that pain again. Can't do it. Won't do it again.

Karissa764 · November 2014

They don't deserve to know you are bringing another life in this world. sounds like you're better off with the support system you have. If all they are going to bring is negativity and depression to your life I wouldn't say nope. You and your family deserve better than that.

kcave21 · November 2014

TishaSchreffler said:
Well, this isn't my first rodeo. I became pregnant with my first baby in 2010. The whole pregnancy, my side of the family was unsupportive and all around mean to me. I regretted telling them I was pregnant. Luckily I was a state away so all I got was nasty phone calls. They didn't realize the damage they caused to me. I took a whole 2 pictures of myself pregnant. I was ... depressed. I did have amazing support and love from my then boyfriend (now husband) and his whole family! It was great but of course a girl like me (most girls) needed support and advice from her mom and dad. No such thing happened. I won't go into detail of what all was said but I believe I am damaged for life. I forgave them...but I'll never forget. My son was born, June 8, 2011. My parents came up to denver to meet him. It was very awkward for my husband and I. All of the things they said to me and probably about me was like they had never ever said such things. It was hard to get over. ...Still is. Now that my son is here...They are all he talks about. They are now proud to be grandparents and to have him as their grandson.

Fast forward to now. I'm 7 weeks pregnant with our second baby. I haven't told anyone but my husband. ..and mistakenly my sister. I already got a taste of NO support from my sister. I was shocked at just how freaking rude she was. She was saying she supported us but damn... The way she said it and said 'I don't know why you THINK you need another kid!' I'm ready, my husband is ready....isn't that all that should matter? I cried telling OJ what she said and how she said things over the phone. I don't get it. Oh and another thing I said was, ' I don't feel like you are being supportive. ' she said, ' well, don't expect me to jump up and down that you're pregnant. I'm not that kind of sister. ' Yeah, ouch! So now you see my hesitation and stress. I am terrified history will repeat itself. I Do not know how to tell my family now that we live within driving distance. I'm scared. I don't want to be depressed when this should be the most exciting time in my life. I did threaten saying if I am ever treated the way they treated me the first time...I'm cutting all ties and contact. I don't want to do that at all but I don't deserve that pain again. Can't do it. Won't do it again.

Sometimes you just have to walk away and do whats best for you and your own family...I went through the same exact thing I think they have met my first a handful of times and she 2 now. I havent spoke to them since july and it has been the best thing for me and our family luckily I have a great inlaw family

khaze · November 2014

I wouldn't say anything at all to them. You absolutely don't need their negativity in your life. Your pregnancy and birth of your child is supposed to be one of the happiest times in your life. Cut out those that tear you down and lean on your husband's family and your good friends. Good luck!

TheAlmostMom · November 2014

I would tell them with a birth announcement. It seems like they don't do anything but cause stress for you until there is a baby to fawn over so give yourself a break and let them know when the baby is here to dote on.

TishaSchreffler · November 2014

Thank you guys!

I appreciate the feedback. They do see my son, my husband, and I every week. I love them because they are my family. Love will never leave but I am bitter. My husband works for my dad's company right now.... that's the #1 scary part. My mom is my babysitter while I'm at work. So, they will know at some point. I'm really terrified if I don't tell them...my sister will. I was going to tell my youngest sister but after my middle sister's reaction. I'm scared. I am really at a loss of what to do. I don't need or deserve the negativity so if and when they find out if it is positive. ..okay. If not, I'm packing us up and leaving. To where I have no freaking clue.

TishaSchreffler · November 2014

TheAlmostMom said:
I would tell them with a birth announcement. It seems like they don't do anything but cause stress for you until there is a baby to fawn over so give yourself a break and let them know when the baby is here to dote on.

Awe, well, the first pregnancy. My hubby and I sent a frame with a cute poem and giving my Estimated due date. It had cute rattles and baby stickers all over it. I sent it in the mail. My mom opened it, shook her head and my dad took it and he broke the frame from what I heard. My mom called three days later...that's when everything went bad. I thought maybe since my Mom in Law was excited that my side would be...wishful thinking.

shibby00 · November 2014

This is bizarre. Why do they think you shouldn't have kids? I wouldn't tell them.

Nikelizabeth · November 2014

I can definitely feel your pain. I was married and stable when I was pregnant for the first time and my parents were very unsupportive. My mom hung up on me when I told her. My second pregnancy was the same and she hung up on me when I told her that time as well. This time I texted her bc I couldn't bear to be hung up on again. She was still very unsupportive and texted very mean things back. I just don't understand. I'm a grown married woman and I'm having to deal with this? Of course my two children are her whole world, but why couldn't I get any support earlier? I'm so sorry you have to deal with that too. If you have to tell them, try to limit communication as much as possible to avoid any bad feelings. I'm happy you have your husbands family, but I know it's just not the same. After she texted me the mean things this time I called her and put her in her place. I'm an amazing mother and financially able so she had no right to treat me that way, now I thinks she's more excited than me haha Good luck

Schnurette · November 2014

They sound awful - could you tell them by e-mail? That way if the communication you are getting back is negative you can just block them?

FWIW I feel like I understand you to a certain extent - my mother (who was overweight...significantly) had lap band surgery shortly before I got pregnant and then proceeded to judge pretty much everyone she happened across (including myself and my sister and my cousins etc. etc.) for our bodies, like she is some expert on weight loss and keeping in shape. Essentially she made me feel so bad about what was happening to my body (which was TOTALLY NATURAL) that I refused to let people take pics of me while I was pregnant. I have all of one picture.

True story - When we told my parents I was pregnant she said, in a super negative tone, that she never thought we would have kids. Um...thanks? During my pregnancy she told me (numerous times, including in front of family) that I would never lose all the baby weight and I was stupid to have let myself gain so much. She also told me after DD was born that I was stupid to have let them do a c-section because my body would never look the same (you know, cause of my scar shelf) - So...yeah we should have just died then because now my stomach is ugly. Gee, much better option.

Some people...some people just aren't worth the effort. And if your family is like that, don't go out of your way to interact with them, even though it is sad to have to be that way.

kimmarie1105 · November 2014

This is indeed very bizarre. Is there a reason why they would act or feel this way? Were you or your husband somehow not in a position to be having children? I'm confused.

Katerina&Baby · November 2014

Since you already told one sister, I wouldn't hold off too long to tell your other sister and your parents - if they hear it from anyone but you it may create resentment and even more drama that you don't need to be dealing with right now. Their reaction will be what it will be but I vote for ripping off the bandaid.

Emilywooddesign · November 2014

I'm very sorry this is happening to you. How horrible:( I think you really need to stick up for yourself, I'll be dammed if someone makes me feel bad about myself EVER. You obviously can't hide it because your said your mom is your babysitter so she is going to see a growing bump. I say tell them and if they give you any shit or make you feel bad about yourself, tell them to fuck themselves, I know that sounds harsh but people will treat you as bad as you will let them and you don't deserve to feel bad about your pregnancy, yourself or feel depressed. Why is it okay for your mom to have a few kids? ( you mentioned you had 2 sisters) and it's not okay for you? I'm getting angry just thinking about this. Is there some reason they are so angry? Has something happened to them in their life? Have you done something to make them think you are not capeable of looking after kids?

honeybunches101 · November 2014

I don't understand why they were so unsupportive. If you think your sister will tell them, maybe just send them a text and acknowledge that they won't be excited. Or just let them figure it out as your belly grows. It sounds awful, I am glad you are getting support from your DH and his family.

Redlipz · November 2014

If you absolutely have to tell them give them no wiggle room. Say that you are very happy to be expecting again and That you don't expect them to be over the moon about it but you do expect them to respect you and your family and you expect them to keep their nasty comments or thoughts to themselves. And let them know that they are not obligated to be involved.

I'm sorry you have to go through that, it's horrible:/

GASuzuki · November 2014

I'm sorry they're horrible. I would send them postcards with the following message:

"I'm pregnant again, bitches, so suck it!"

blu-eyedwife · November 2014

I don't think you can get away with not telling them given their current involvement in your life. I'd send them an email, and not expect anything in return.

toodaloo · November 2014

That is terrible! I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.
In all honesty, I think you should just carry on and when they finally see your bump, and they ask why you haven't said anything, just be honest. Say, do you remember what happened the last time? Tell them that you don't want that negativity in your life. If someone says something nasty to you, then ask them politely to leave or remove yourself from the situation.
After all, they aren't the ones who have to support the baby...so what's it to them?

TishaSchreffler · November 2014

Thank you ladies so much. There was no reasoning behind having no support. I was always treated differently out of my sisters. I'm the oldest. My parents had me at 17 and 19 years old. I had my son when I was 22 and my husband was 26 at the time. They had a lot of support when they were pregnant teens so that's why I was at a loss when I had absolutely no support. My husband and I are Financially stable. We are great parents and are very involved in our son's life. I'd say my husband and I have a very strong relationship and have never fought. We live in a very happy home. There really was no reason at all for them to act the way they did. Example how my parents treat me differently. .. I had my son in 2011 the next year my sister tells me she's pregnant. Then she tells my parents after my son's 1st birthday party after everyone left. (Including us). My mom starts being supportive right away. My dad starts to be mean then my mom takes him outside and did say to him we aren't going to treat her like we did Tisha (me). My dad is silent but is upset. Then later on my mom calls and says well, wow... Danielle is pregnant. We didn't yell at her and we weren't mean to her like we were you. Thinking that would make me feel good...um no. That hurt even worse. I had been with my husband for 4 years already and the guy my sister gets pregnant with was just a random guy she was partying with. Yes they are married now but they fight like cats and dogs. So you would think she'd be the one getting in trouble. ..nope. she had full support throughout her pregnancy. Yes, I am jealous. No doubt that I am jealous she had a wonderful, happy, and supportive family throughout the whole pregnancy. Sorry venting, hormones are on a rise

Katerina&Baby · November 2014

TishaSchreffler said:
Thank you ladies so much. There was no reasoning behind having no support. I was always treated differently out of my sisters. I'm the oldest. My parents had me at 17 and 19 years old. I had my son when I was 22 and my husband was 26 at the time. They had a lot of support when they were pregnant teens so that's why I was at a loss when I had absolutely no support. My husband and I are Financially stable. We are great parents and are very involved in our son's life. I'd say my husband and I have a very strong relationship and have never fought. We live in a very happy home. There really was no reason at all for them to act the way they did. Example how my parents treat me differently. .. I had my son in 2011 the next year my sister tells me she's pregnant. Then she tells my parents after my son's 1st birthday party after everyone left. (Including us). My mom starts being supportive right away. My dad starts to be mean then my mom takes him outside and did say to him we aren't going to treat her like we did Tisha (me). My dad is silent but is upset. Then later on my mom calls and says well, wow... Danielle is pregnant. We didn't yell at her and we weren't mean to her like we were you. Thinking that would make me feel good...um no. That hurt even worse. I had been with my husband for 4 years already and the guy my sister gets pregnant with was just a random guy she was partying with. Yes they are married now but they fight like cats and dogs. So you would think she'd be the one getting in trouble. ..nope. she had full support throughout her pregnancy. Yes, I am jealous. No doubt that I am jealous she had a wonderful, happy, and supportive family throughout the whole pregnancy. Sorry venting, hormones are on a rise

This actually gives me a lot of hope that your parents will be better this time around (since they clearly recognize that their reaction to your pregnancy wasn't appropriate).

kimmarie1105 · November 2014

I really hope they have changed their unrealistic and odd feelings towards grandchildren.
If I were you I probably would have written them off in 2011 but since you are clearly a bigger person than I, I would say take whatever reaction they have with a grain of salt. You are happily married and having another child for you and your husband. Nobody else really matters

TishaSchreffler · November 2014

Yes, I do have SOME hope that it will be better. I really hope it is but I won't get my hopes up. I really am on the fence about telling them. I get this unrealistic fear of them getting mad then firing my husband from my dad's business, then my mom quits watching my son. Then we lose our place to live because my husband's job is the better job. Idk...I am paranoid as hell. Lol. I know it would be illegal to fire someone just because they are mad. Just trying to think of a way to tell them without the. Having room to talk down to me. Just scared and I shouldn't be scared. My husband is 30 and I am almost 26 and I am still terrified of my parents. Ugh

shibby00 · November 2014

I really wouldn't tell until you are obviously showing. If they are being mean, call them on it! You don't have to take that from anybody. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt.

TishaSchreffler · November 2014

Thank you

kimmarie1105 · November 2014

If your entire life and well being rely on your parents, meaning your husbands job and your mom babysitting, then I would start rectifying that now. New job, alternate child care. It seems as though that would alleviate a lot of stress.

crikit83 · November 2014

My gram is sort of similar - she's not entirely unsupportive, but she lacks tact at all. Her first comment when we said we were having a baby is that I was already getting fat. She was, by all accounts, raised by the meanest woman alive so... I don't know, we sort of try to forgive her for being awful.

But sometimes she picks fights, or tries to, with my dad, who's allergic to drama. His method is always just to get up and leave whenever she starts being negative. Like, mid-sentence will just leave the room without a word. If they're on the phone, he hangs up. Over time, he's kind of trained her to stop.

beinfamous · November 2014

I'm kinda in the same situation but we will have to tell my mother in law eventually because she's moving in with us and we see her a lot.

My mother was happy when I told her but my mother-in-law gets stressed out if there is trash in her trash can. We don't know when to tell her because she'll just make it about her and how much it's going to ruin her life....

Katerina&Baby · November 2014

beinfamous said:
I'm kinda in the same situation but we will have to tell my mother in law eventually because she's moving in with us and we see her a lot.

My mother was happy when I told her but my mother-in-law gets stressed out if there is trash in her trash can. We don't know when to tell her because she'll just make it about her and how much it's going to ruin her life....

"If you think our having a baby will be too stressful for you, you don't have to move in with us - we can explore other options for you." That ought to shut her up quick (note: I am, perhaps unfairly, assuming that you are doing her a favor by letting her move in with you and not the other way around).

tobrieornottobrie · November 2014

Girl, I am so sorry. That's such a difficult situation and I think that anyone would feel hesitation about what to do. The most important thing is that you and your husband are on the same page and you have his support! Have you considered perhaps doing some counseling to work through some of the pain that you are dealing with due to what happened during your first pregnancy? Maybe it would be helpful to have a professional to talk to about some of those things. Hang in there! Blessings!

the brie's cheese knees

beinfamous · November 2014

Katerina&Baby said:

I'm kinda in the same situation but we will have to tell my mother in law eventually because she's moving in with us and we see her a lot.

My mother was happy when I told her but my mother-in-law gets stressed out if there is trash in her trash can. We don't know when to tell her because she'll just make it about her and how much it's going to ruin her life....
"If you think our having a baby will be too stressful for you, you don't have to move in with us - we can explore other options for you." That ought to shut her up quick (note: I am, perhaps unfairly, assuming that you are doing her a favor by letting her move in with you and not the other way around).

She doesn't want to do things for herself anymore so it's either her move in with us and help pay for the new house or her to move into assisted living or something. We don't need her to move in with us, it just allows us to get a bigger/nicer house. And I'm sure that comment will shut her up quick! lol

BabyHarris15 · November 2014

So sorry you have to go through this hun! Om going through something similar. My biological big sister doesnt know yet and I am deathly afraid of telling her! But i know i just have to woman up and spill the beans. I pray that you won't have to go through the drama again

jenn1465 · November 2014

Honestly I don't think they deserve the announcement. You tell friends and family that are important and special to you that will be happy for you and your husband. If it were me, and especially since they live closer now, I wouldn't say squat. If just let them find out on their own when I started to show, and then when they ask or wondered why they didn't get told right away, I would just bluntly tell them that you are happy and excited and blessed and wanted to stay feeling that way as long as possible without their negative unsupportive input. No one needs that and after they acted the way they did the first time, and how your sister is already acting, why do they deserve to be told and make you feel anything but joy. That's just me, also raging hormonal

ChrisLipstick · November 2014

Redlipz said:

If you absolutely have to tell them give them no wiggle room. Say that you are very happy to be expecting again and That you don't expect them to be over the moon about it but you do expect them to respect you and your family and you expect them to keep their nasty comments or thoughts to themselves. And let them know that they are not obligated to be involved. I'm sorry you have to go through that, it's horrible:/

This exactly. Tell them in writing and demand support or silence.

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