I need advice

lauradanielle · November 2014

I'm currently 21 weeks pregnant and I'm not sure who the dad is. I'm really beating myself up about this and I'm tired of stressing about it because I know it's not good for the baby. My conception date is the 27th of June according to my due date and I had got black out drunk on the 28th of June and had sex with a man that isn't my boyfriend. I do remember telling him to use a condom but I was so intoxicated he could've taken it off.
I guess what I'm wondering is if my conception date was the 27th does that mean that it was the day I conceived or could it have been the 28th?

lauradanielle · November 2014

Yes I've had two ultrasounds so far that both say march 20th.

lauradanielle · November 2014

I can't remember. The only reason I remember it was the 28th with that guy is because it was the first day of Ramadan. I was currently working in the Middle East and I remember that day very well.

blinksmb · November 2014

Okay I want to make sure I'm getting the details right. So you had intercourse with your bf on the 27th and with another person on the 28th? I'm not sure if I have the details right, but if that's the case then unfortunately it could really be either one of them. A dating ultrasound can't tell you exactly what day you ovulated /conceived and even if it could, sperm tends to hang around for a bit.
Does your boyfriend know about this? I imagine trying to keep it a secret isn't going to help with your stress (or anything else.)

Beamer14 · November 2014

Unfortunately the only way you will be able to find out who for sure is the father will be through a DNA test. There is just too many different variables in trying to figure it out through dating..if you had sex with both men very close to eachother, the fact that s perm can live for 5 days, when you actually ovulated. . You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out on your own.
I do believe they can do DNA tests while still pregnant, but ladies correct me if I'm wrong! So if that's possible, you could take the other man amd use his DNA to figure it out.

Either way, I do highly recommend talking to your boyfriend about it. . I know it's a scary and very hard thing to admit to someone, but the guilt will end up eating at you, and I guarantee it will end up coming out anyway down the road..and it's far better being heard from your lips. He deserves to know that the child may not be his. And if the other man was another race than yours or your mans, think of the shock he will have while in the delivery room if it isn't his.
You made a mistake, but please do the right thing and own up to it

MeganPobega · November 2014

The only way to be 100% sure is to wait until the baby is born and have a paternity test. Hopefully your boyfriend knows and wants to comply.

lauradanielle · November 2014

For all those dying to know: I was in Bahrain which is an island in the Middle East and I had a house there. I am not Muslim so I could drink in my home/friends home. I completely regret it and have never cheated before so I don't need anyone telling me had bad it is. Thank you for
The ones trying to help.

cesquer · November 2014

This is like a movie! Was your boyfriend there that week, too?

corysgirls · November 2014

Sorry Hun- that's is a rough place to be in. My best advice is to own up to it and hope for the best. Like a pp said, it'd be much worse if the baby happens to be born a different race than your bf and he has no clue. People make mistakes sometimes- that's life. It's all in how we deal with them. Bf will prob be much more understanding if he knows instead of blindly walking in.

ruemorgan · November 2014

Unless you can start to remember if you had sex with your boyfriend that week, I dont really think youll have an answer until the baby is born. Does your boyfriend know the baby may not be his?

janda426 · November 2014

Just a question: is the person you slept with middle eastern? If they're a different race or ethnicity than you you will probably have your answer at birth..

If not, get a paternity test.

lauradanielle · November 2014

Just told him. He's hurt but he says he wants to stay regardless. Both men are white Americans.

lauradanielle · November 2014

He also said he wishes I wouldn't have told him. I can win for losing.

kaylaalexxander · November 2014

Are you still in Bahrain? I'm here as well if you need someone to talk to and if you are planning to be here for a bit feel free message me. And FYI Bahrain is a very open country where alcohol is sold in many public places. There is no more danger for a woman drinking here than there is in America.

ngolimento · November 2014

Am I the only one utterly confused that she doesn't know if she slept with BF that week?

lauradanielle · November 2014

Yes I've been tested. I'm clean.

lauradanielle · November 2014

Like I said , I told him and he wants to stay. I said that because he said he wishes I wouldn't have told him.

LAB1983 · November 2014

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this.

Also, because nobody else has brought this up....what kind of man would have sex with a woman who was "blackout drunk"? If you were unable to consent, that could also be contributing to some of the stress you must be feeling.
Maybe it would help for you to talk to a counselor.

lauradanielle · November 2014

Thank you for that. I normally wouldn't have done it but he kept on and on and since I was intoxicated I gave in. The weird part is that I was only drinking wine which never gets me like that. Thankfully I have an understanding and loving partner who wants to stay by my side even though I even hate myself right now.

kcbizme · November 2014

lauradanielle said:

Thank you for that. I normally wouldn't have done it but he kept on and on and since I was intoxicated I gave in. The weird part is that I was only drinking wine which never gets me like that. Thankfully I have an understanding and loving partner who wants to stay by my side even though I even hate myself right now.

I'm sorry, but I've never been "black out drunk" or so drunk that I didn't know what I was doing. I've never used getting drunk as an excuse for a behavior. You clearly knew what you were doing. I hate when people use the "I was intoxicated" excuse to try and make up for bad behavior.

bdazzld · November 2014

I have most certainly been black out drunk and so drunk I didn't know what I was doing--but only in situations where I was perfectly safe to be in such a state (well... after getting out of HS... only made that mistake once and lucky for me it was safe "enough"). Still embarrassing, especially since I was playing Cranium with my future husband and to this day my friends still mime blow fish at me

(

But it's entirely possible that you can be this drunk and do very stupid things and not recall more than bits and pieces.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP, I'm glad your partner forgives you and wants to stay with you, but please respect yourself and your relationship enough to not let yourself be this vulnerable again! I can't see this going over well a second time...

marthah05 · November 2014

I am not sure if you were already informed but you can have a prenatal DNA test they are pricey but will give you some peace of mind. If you google DNA diagnostics centers, there is an 800- number and locations all over the place. I am sorry you are going through this and I wish you all the best.

https://www.dnacenter.com/mobile/paternity-prenatal.html

ngolimento · November 2014

Hoookay, this thread is getting into dangerous waters here. Basically OP is saying she was borderline (if not clear cut) raped.

Please stop driving this in the direction of victim blaming, which is exactly where the last few posts are headed. A couple of points:

1) Yes, blackout drunk is a real thing. Just because you haven't experienced it doesn't mean it's a mythological creature. If you've never broken your arm, you don't sneer at broken arms not being real. Because you aren't a moron.

2) The woman was in her own home with friends. Wtf safer place do you want her to get drunk? A panic room? Maybe with a knife in her hand? Fuck that victim blaming shit.

FrecklesInside · November 2014

kcbizme said:

lauradanielle said:

Thank you for that. I normally wouldn't have done it but he kept on and on and since I was intoxicated I gave in. The weird part is that I was only drinking wine which never gets me like that. Thankfully I have an understanding and loving partner who wants to stay by my side even though I even hate myself right now.

I'm sorry, but I've never been "black out drunk" or so drunk that I didn't know what I was doing. I've never used getting drunk as an excuse for a behavior. You clearly knew what you were doing. I hate when people use the "I was intoxicated" excuse to try and make up for bad behavior.

------------fuckingquotebox-----------

Can we not victim blame? It sounds like she might have been raped and is trying to rationalize it in her head as cheating because that hurts less.

FrecklesInside · November 2014

earthian said:

kcbizme said:

lauradanielle said:

Thank you for that. I normally wouldn't have done it but he kept on and on and since I was intoxicated I gave in. The weird part is that I was only drinking wine which never gets me like that. Thankfully I have an understanding and loving partner who wants to stay by my side even though I even hate myself right now.

I'm sorry, but I've never been "black out drunk" or so drunk that I didn't know what I was doing. I've never used getting drunk as an excuse for a behavior. You clearly knew what you were doing. I hate when people use the "I was intoxicated" excuse to try and make up for bad behavior.

----predicting Quote fail ----
Thank you, I wanted to say something like this last night but then didn't. OP, I am sorry that you are in this shitty situation but just because a guy keeps pressuring you to have sex, doesn't lessen the fact that you DID have a choice and you chose to have sex.

I still hope everything works out ok. Mistakes happen.

---------fuckingquotebox----------

I disagree that she DID have a choice. I really don't like the wording here, or the victim blaming. Sure, she must have been flirting or whatever, and having a BF, that is pretty shitty, but it is not certainly her choice to have had sex.

This is how rape victims and up silenced, ignored and shamed.

FrecklesInside · November 2014

Peledreamsofrain said:
Hoookay, this thread is getting into dangerous waters here. Basically OP is saying she was borderline (if not clear cut) raped.

Please stop driving this in the direction of victim blaming, which is exactly where the last few posts are headed. A couple of points:

1) Yes, blackout drunk is a real thing. Just because you haven't experienced it doesn't mean it's a mythological creature. If you've never broken your arm, you don't sneer at broken arms not being real. Because you aren't a moron.

2) The woman was in her own home with friends. Wtf safer place do you want her to get drunk? A panic room? Maybe with a knife in her hand? Fuck that victim blaming shit.

And now I see Pele already had this covered, sorry for being repetitive, though perhaps you all need to hear it more than once...

bdazzld · November 2014

Victim blaming is not at all my aim here and I had not interpreted it as a potential rape at all, I was going off of how the OP phrased it herself, and just stating that *I* wouldn't get black out drunk unless I felt 100% safe.

If she felt coerced or pressured and gave in to not make waves--then yes she is the victim and absolutely not to blame.

I have been the victim of "friendly" rape so I would be the last person to victim blame.

ETA

I posted my post to clarify that yes black out drunk is a REAL thing and that even if you remember bits and pieces you can NOT remember a whole lot more and that bad decisions can be made.

kcbizme · November 2014

I'm not trying to victim shame at all.

It's just the way she explained it made it sound like she knew what was happening. Her original post said she was "blackout drunk" and she remembers telling him to use a condom. Then later, she tried to justify her having sex with someone by saying "since I was intoxicated I gave in" because he was being persistent. I personally don't see her being intoxicated as a valid excuse in the context that she used it. Just because he was persistent does not mean she had to consent.

She has not once said he forced her to do anything. She has not once said she told him no. I'm not condoning HIS behavior either, but I think there is more to the story than what she is telling us.

This may get me flamed, but I'm only trying to explain my side of why I said what I did.

OP - if you truly were "friendly raped", I strongly recommend you seek counselling to work through any anxiety/guilt/any other feelings you have. I am not trying to discredit or discount what happened to you, only explaining how it came across to me.

ngolimento · November 2014

kcbizme said:
I'm not trying to victim shame at all.

It's just the way she explained it made it sound like she knew what was happening. Her original post said she was "blackout drunk" and she remembers telling him to use a condom. Then later, she tried to justify her having sex with someone by saying "since I was intoxicated I gave in" because he was being persistent. I personally don't see her being intoxicated as a valid excuse in the context that she used it. Just because he was persistent does not mean she had to consent.

She has not once said he forced her to do anything. She has not once said she told him no. I'm not condoning HIS behavior either, but I think there is more to the story than what she is telling us.

This may get me flamed, but I'm only trying to explain my side of why I said what I did.

OP - if you truly were "friendly raped", I strongly recommend you seek counselling to work through any anxiety/guilt/any other feelings you have. I am not trying to discredit or discount what happened to you, only explaining how it came across to me.

Here's the issue with the massive assumptions you are making:

1) There is nothing about being " blackout drunk" that denotes that a person is fully capable of consent. Fading in and out of consciousness =\= being aware and mentally able. "Giving in" is not the same as climbing on and yelling "yeehaw".

2) Your "feeling" that she is making things up to "justify" herself is really judgey and stupid, considering you weren't there. Why do you feel it necessary to shift suspicion and blame onto her when you don't even begin to posses all the information? Quite frankly, I'd rather extend benefit of the doubt to someone who later proves incorrect than risk heaping scorn and blame onto someone who was legitimately victimized. If girl says she didn't want it, who the fuck are you to say she did?

kcbizme · November 2014

@Peledreamsofrain I'm not trying to ruffle feathers or piss people off. I was simply trying to explain how it came across to me - one person.

In no way am I trying to say she is making anything up (never said those words at all, in fact), only that she is leaving out information. There is a difference.

I also included that if she truly was "friendly raped" (I put quotations because it is a specific type, not because I think it is made up), she should seek the help of a counsellor.

lauradanielle · November 2014

I'm done reading this thread just because it upsets me but I feel like I should say that at the time me and my boyfriend weren't official when this happened. Since we were both leaving Bahrain soon he didn't want a serious relationship and I did. I was hanging out with who I thought was a guy friend and he pressured me into something I didn't want to do. I am not saying what I did was right by any means at all. Even my (now) boyfriend said he didn't blame me because he admits that he didn't treat me the best. I came to this thread to ask if my conception date was accurate due to my baby's due date.

MrsPope1770 · November 2014

A verbal "no" is not a requirement.

ngolimento · November 2014

@lauradanielle‌ I don't blame you for leaving. I am sorry that all of this happened to you, and I definitely suggest talking with a councilor about the incident. I am glad that your boyfriend is standing by you.

Whitfry · November 2014

lauradanielle said:
I'm done reading this thread just because it upsets me but I feel like I should say that at the time me and my boyfriend weren't official when this happened. Since we were both leaving Bahrain soon he didn't want a serious relationship and I did. I was hanging out with who I thought was a guy friend and he pressured me into something I didn't want to do. I am not saying what I did was right by any means at all. Even my (now) boyfriend said he didn't blame me because he admits that he didn't treat me the best. I came to this thread to ask if my conception date was accurate due to my baby's due date.

I'm sorry this thread has become so toxic. It sounds like you're on a good path and are communicating with your SO. Good luck moving forward with this difficult situation.

BostonAlison · November 2014

Slut shaming a rape victim.

Way to go M15! Two thumbs up! Fine holiday fun!

@lauradanielle You're in an impossibly hard position. I wish you luck.. I'm glad you and your SO are working through this.

ngolimento · November 2014

BostonAlison said:
Slut shaming a rape victim.

Way to go M15! Two thumbs up! Fine holiday fun!

@lauradanielle You're in an impossibly hard position. I wish you luck.. I'm glad you and your SO are working through this.

Yeah I'm pretty shocked and disgusted.

kcbizme · November 2014

I would like to add my apologies to this as well. I truly do apologize if I came across as "victim shaming" or "slut shaming" as someone so nicely put it (not my words). That was not my intention.

I'm glad you are moving past this and that your SO is being supportive. I am truly sorry if I offended you OP, as I was not there and didn't know the full details of the situation.

I hope everything turns out okay for you and that the rest of your pregnancy is healthy.

bdazzld · November 2014

lauradanielle said:

I'm done reading this thread just because it upsets me but I feel like I should say that at the time me and my boyfriend weren't official when this happened. Since we were both leaving Bahrain soon he didn't want a serious relationship and I did. I was hanging out with who I thought was a guy friend and he pressured me into something I didn't want to do. I am not saying what I did was right by any means at all. Even my (now) boyfriend said he didn't blame me because he admits that he didn't treat me the best. I came to this thread to ask if my conception date was accurate due to my baby's due date.

Please accept my apologies for assumptions made about the situation. I didn't intend to come across as blaming you and per your above statement, you are the victim here, and that person is definitely not a friend. I had assumed it was consensual and that you were in a committed relationship at the time. Which is what I meant by "safe". In a relationship I don't feel safe to become intoxicated around members of the opposite sex that aren't essentially someone a) I consider to be a brother b) are also in happy committed relationships and I know their partner's really well. It was more about avoiding situations where bad (severely impaired) decisions can have consequences.

I'm very sorry for what you've experienced and the other posters are correct, I would suggest counseling. It took me a very long time to be able to actually admit I had been raped and it still didn't even hit me fully when I heard about the "rape" from someone who should have had no idea what had happened but thanks to the guy trying to damage control, I got smacked in the face with a truth I wasn't even ready to admit to myself (and certainly hadn't told anyone about yet). I'm very sorry, and I'm very glad that your boyfriend is standing by you.

I really hope that the baby is his, just so you can be distanced from what happened.

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