Cut out for motherhood?

Stephaniegiboney · November 2014

My baby was born 5 weeks early ( her due date is actually tomorrow) and is 5 weeks old today. The first couple of weeks were spent in the NICU, which was stressful, but in retrospect at least there was some help. We have been home for three weeks and I am really struggling.

I love my baby so much. She makes me so happy, but I am just not sure I'm cut out for this. Obviously I'm tired, but I never imagined it would get this bad. I am breastfeeding, which is actually going pretty well, no real complaints there. My baby just seems so unhappy. She naps little during the day and cries pretty constantly. She's been sleeping only an hour/hour and a half at a time at night, waking frequently to eat. The problem is she is such a loud sleeper that I am awake even when she is asleep. I am afraid she is too young to sleep in her crib and it's hard to get her even to sleep in smaller spaces like the rock n play or pack n play bassinet.

I feel like I am not meeting her needs, despite spending the entire day/night trying to do so. I don't feel like I am taking care of myself or the house and things feel like they are piling up. My husband helps when he is home, but travels for work and has been out of town 2 of the last 3 weeks.

I don't have a lot of outside support. I've flat out asked my mom to take off work and come help me. She makes comments like "what do you even need help with" or "I don't remember having any trouble". Oh, and says she can't take any days off work. She hasn't stayed a night to help at all. My mother in law drove 4 hours to stay two nights with me last week...it was helpful but now I'm finding myself just as overwhelmed a week later.

I am having a hard time reading through all of the different parenting styles in addition to friends opinions on the "right" way to do things. I'm worried if I don't take a very responsive, on demand, approach I will damage my child in some way.

I feel stupid because there are women out there who balance multiple children and work, so I feel like I don't even have a right to complain.

I don't know what the point of this post is I just feel like I need to get this out. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I talk to my husband of course, but I don't want him to feel bad about having to travel. Anyone else feel insecure and overwhelmed with parenting?

Ahlome08 · November 2014

Your baby was early, so, technically your LO is a newborn. Yes, it's been 5 weeks, but, as far as sleeping/eating and developmental wise, go by your due date, not the date LO was born. Give it a few more weeks and you should start sleeping in at least 3-4 hour increments. Hang in there, you're doing what you can!! Babies are hard!! If you continue to feel overly anxious and sad, you def need to mention it to your OB, because PPD and PPA are serious and once you get help, it's do much easier. Good luck, mama!! And know that you're doing your best!!

RedBaramid · November 2014

I second/third/whatever the suggestion for a PPD screening, I felt like this in the beginning and the medication REALLY helped.. I was only on it for a month before I was able to come off and survive.

Also, screw the house, if anyone judges the mess remind them that you're the mommy of a preemie. If it really bothers you and you don't have a local support system, see if you can splurge and get someone to come over and clean for you (a cleaning service). Maybe even just having someone come by twice a month would make you feel like you and your H can keep up in the in-between.

Best advice I got: The more worried I was about taking care of her and doing the best by her, the better mother to her I was.. .so even when nothing I am doing is soothing her and all she did was cry, I was still being the best mother she could ever ask for. I know it's hard to trust your gut when your gut is exhausted and your baby seems to be miserable, but trust it.

oursong611 · November 2014

My son is two months old, and he is only just starting to calm down and get into a routine, though some days are still a constant struggle. All babies are different, and some babies are fussier than others. Just keep doing your best and you'll be great! Just the fact that you care enough to wonder if you're even cut out for motherhood (all moms do this) proves that you are! Your priorities are taking care of your baby and yourself. Especially take care of yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of your baby. When my son was first born I pushed myself to a place of extreme exhaustion trying to get "back to normal," instead of creating a new normal. I jumped at his every cry, and stayed up for hours after he went to bed, trying to catch up on housework. I have finally realized that he will be OK if he cries for a couple of minutes while I eat a sandwich or take a shower. Not that I make a habit of ignoring him, I just understand that if I don't eat, stay hydrated, and take showers, I don't have the energy to take care of him. Making your baby wait a minute for your attention is not the same as letting them "cry it out" for an hour until they're whipped up into a frenzy. Just hang in there! It gets so much better. Soon she'll be smiling at you all of the time, and sleeping for several hours in a row, and it will be amazing!

tobrieornottobrie · November 2014

I'm pretty sure that anyone in your exact situation would be feeling the same way, so know that you are not alone. I'm sorry that you are having a rough time and that you are feeling over whelmed but remember that it won't be like this forever. Eventually you and your precious baby girl will get into a routine and everything will start to settle down. I'm sure it's been difficult to be strategic with your time with all of that going on, but maybe if you can just plan to do the things that you really need to do while she's sleeping, such as get the dishes done, or take a shower and then get the other stuff done when your husband or mother-in-law is there to help you out. You got this, momma! Hang in there.

the brie's cheese knees

favretk · November 2014

I was right there where you are around that time. My LO is 8 weeks and I'd say the first 3-4 weeks at home were the hardest. It does get better! I spent many days/nights crying out of pure exhaustion cuz she only slept 1-2 hrs at a time. I also spent many nights sleeping on the recliner with her cuz that's where we both got the best sleep. At that age they just need to be cuddled, don't worry about "spoiling" her, mine now sleeps in the crib with no problem. I'm sorry you don't have more help, maybe try explaining to your mom that you just need a couple hours to give yourself a break? Everything you're feeling is normal at this point so don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing a great job!

Katelobster · November 2014

I could have written this post when my daughter was born. When my daughter was that age I went to a nursing support group and bawled my eyes out because I was convinced I wasn't cut out to be a mother and I'd made a horrible mistake. I didn't have PPD, I was just so overwhelmed by a baby who wouldn't sleep and cried all the time for no reason.

It WILL get better. Maybe not tomorrow or next week, but it will get better. If you haven't ruled out causes for excessive crying like reflux or dairy/soy protein intolerance, I would talk to your pedi about those. But some babies are just cry, and you can only do your best to help and that's it. Reading this website helped me somewhat https://purplecrying.info/what-is-the-period-of-purple-crying.php There are stories from other moms who dealt with excessive crying in the first months too.
I did end up kicking my newborn out of my bedroom, and although I felt guilty, it helped. Something else I didn't try but have since heard suggested is to wear earplugs - not to ignore your baby, but to take the edge off the ear-piercing cries. Do what you have to do to get through. It will get better. Big hugs to you.

dal2aus · November 2014

I think you're being too hard on yourself and expecting too much from your baby. Because your baby was born so early, you have to go by her gestational age and not her birth age. Technically, your baby is one week old, not 5 weeks old, so you can't compare her to other 5 weekers in terms of sleep. Your baby's crying is similar to what you would expect to see out of a 1 week old baby, which means that you should expect to be totally exhausted. Screw the housework, just take care of yourself and you baby. Keep in mind, you're still recovering from a premature delivery too.

Also, since your mom can't come stay with you, can you go stay with your mom? Since your husband travels so much, there's no point to you staying in your house. You might notice a big change in how you handle your baby if you have additional support.

leela02 · November 2014

I feel the same way with my 5 week old who was born full-term. I feel like I am just clueless but doing the best I can. My baby is not extremely fussy (yet), but when she fusses and it's not clear what she wants it's so stressful. I agree with getting checked for PPD because that's a serious condition, and sleep deprivation just makes it worse.

The important thing is if your needs aren't being met, baby won't be happy because she picks up on your emotions. You have to take care of yourself, and sometimes that means having others around to help take care of you. It's great that your husband and MIL have been supporting you. If you can afford it, it's worth it to hire a service to do housecleaning periodically.

The moms I know who have 4+ kids told me that the first few months with each baby didn't get any easier, they were just able to handle the stress and go with the flow better since they had more experience. With the first baby I think it's hard because it's all new for us FTMs and our lives are turned upside down. Your worrying is a sign that you care and that you are being a really good mom.

Stephaniegiboney · November 2014

I keep wanting to respond individually to everyone but I'm on mobile and babies are hard work.

Yesterday was a particularly rough day, the worst we have had. My husband took a half day from work and we took LO to the pediatrician just to make sure there wasn't something medical going on because she was so inconsolable all day. They basically said that she is colicky and to try gas drops

It was a rough night as well, but I do wish I had a video of all of my husband's attempts to calm her (spinning in circles, speed walking down the hallway, dancing with music, all while holding her).

I even went out and bought a swing from babys r us because we thought she may like it. In the end we swaddled her really tight and held her while she cried and cried until she fell asleep and then put her in the rock n play. She slept 5.5 hours straight!! We will test the swing today.

I got her up to feed her and now she is in sleeping again (almost 4 hours). She must have been exhausted from yesterday. I feel so much better having slept, but things were very dark yesterday

I will continue to monitor myself for signs of depression. It's hard because being so so tired can so easily push me in that direction.

I really appreciate the support. I going to check out the purple crying link!

Ivorytower2 · November 2014

Hang in there mama! I was at the end of my rope with the awake crying around 4.5 weeks and suddenly at about 5.5 weeks it was like someone flipped a switch and now I have this adorable, smiley gooing baby who cries for less than an hour per day. It's so amazing. Great times are just around the corner!

Also- if you have an ergo or something, that is always an automatic off-switch for crying for me.

Beevol · November 2014

So many hugs!

I had an "easy" full term baby, my husband was in town/super involved, my mom and sister and friends were over all the time to help me, and I basically felt the same way with my first. This is serious business and you are doing it mostly alone and it sounds like without the support you need.

You were not meant to do this alone, the fact that you are and surviving makes you a super hero. Be proud of yourself. Be proud that you've brought this little girl so far and have kept her alive and thriving this long; 5 weeks early has been a death sentence in the past, just because we have "miracle" babies born earlier doesn't make her survival less of a testament to your hard work. You might not feel up to it, but you are meeting this challenge with both arms tied behind your back and kicking its butt. I highly recommend finding a mom's group, breastfeeding groups are usually great places to start even if breastfeeding is going well for you. You need and deserve more support than you have right now.

The good news is that it will get better. Your daughter has had to do her brain development that should have happened in a warm, dark, comfy womb out in the cold, bright, scary world, but she'll be over that hump soon. Remember her adjusted age is the one that you should keep in mind for her developmental milestones, so, today, your due date, she is finally a full term newborn.

Period of Purple Crying is really fabulous, as is The Happiest Baby on the Block stuff - swaddling, shhhing, side/stomach holding, sucking, and swinging save my sanity and I highly recommend it (https://www.happiestbaby.com/5-ss-system-may-help-colic-symptoms/).

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