In need of encouragement

EricaOO · November 2014

I am not a regular poster but would like to hear from other working moms - I think it's safe to say we all have felt even the slightest feeling of guilt at one point or another for being a working mom. I feel guilty all the time but that's just me. DD is at the stage where she cries and throws a fit when I leave for work in the morning. It's heart-wrenching but I know she's fine a couple minutes later. What do you tell yourself when this happens with your LO? Is there anything to do to make it easier?

MommyAtty · November 2014

I remind myself that the more I react to it, the more she will do it. Also, I worked in a daycare center in college and another in law school, so I know this is absolutely normal behavior. I never saw a child cry for even 15 minutes. She's telling you she loves you and misses you when you're gone, and she's telling you the only way she can. It doesn't mean she's miserable while you're gone, I promise. Hang in there! It's just a phase. Hugs.

EricaOO · November 2014

These responses are so sweet, I'm tearing up at work Thanks for the great advice.

TheBorg7of9 · November 2014

I think it helps to have a routine and also a count down. It may not help at first, but eventually it kicks in. Like " we're going to do x,y,z, then mamas going to work. I'll be back at dinner time. ". Then when x is done, say, "ok, we're going to do y and z, then mamas going to work" etc....

welly01 · November 2014

Those days (weeks, months) are so hard! PP's have given great advice. Also, just leave quickly. Trying to stay and calm/comfort her will only prolong the situation.

2chatter · November 2014

DS does best with a countdown to transition for anything. For this, I tell him "time to go to school in three minutes". He happily goes to the car at the end of three minutes. When we turn onto the main street nearest his school I used to say "1 minute to your school" and now he sometimes says it instead. He went through a "drive more mommy" phase, which is where that originated.

On mornings where we have to leave earlier I warn him "early morning, we are leaving soon". He is super routine based (cartoons, breakfast, get dressed, play trucks, trains, puzzles then go). Any deviation requires notice.

My older two were not routine based in this way for departures...and it took me a while to figure out it was less separation than routine. So it could be some of that, too.

vvvvvfee · November 2014

it is really tough, but it is just a phase (or maybe several phases, as they grow) that your LO will get past. i tried to be patient with DS. i budgeted in 5-10 extra minutes to help ease the transition a little for the times that he was really clingy. this made me less tense about it. DS was always worse when i was the one dropping him off, though. he was always less clingy with DH. another thing that helped was making sure to have "special time" with DS in the mornings. if you can, get up 10 or 15 minutes earlier, so you spend one-on-one time with your LO- read a few books together or play a little. mornings when we were really rushing through the whole routine always made the dropoff tougher.

once they are a little older and start to enjoy playing with other kids, it will be easier. now when i drop off DS, the other toddlers call his name and run over to see him. just this morning DS immediately ran off to play without a look back after i dropped him off, and i had to call him back to get my hug goodbye.

hang in there!

MickeyM04 · November 2014

OMG, of course I totally get this. Even though DS has been at his current DC for almost 9 months, there are still those random days/weeks where he will cry every morning at drop off. I do feel bad but at the same time I remind myself that he's 2 and he kind of just doesn't do well with transitions in general. Like if DH and I are both home and DH leaves to run an errand and I'm still there, he cries. If grandma and grandpa come over, he cries. If we have to leave the park, he cries. So I remind myself, he's not crying because he thinks I'm abandoning him, or even because he necessarily misses me. He's crying because we were together, and now I'm leaving. He's crying because we were at home, and now we're somewhere else. I mean if he cries just because DH is leaving even though I'm still actually there, clearly his happiness is not dependent on my actually being present, you know?

And most kids I think literally cry for 2 minutes after you leave, if that. Some days I will wait outside DS's door, and literally I only wait for 3 seconds after walking out before he stops crying. Sometimes I think it's a manipulation type thing...can I get mommy to stay? I mean there are so few explanations for why someone would cry and literally be fine the instant you are out of sight, unless really, they aren't that upset to begin with. You know?

NADA-H · November 2014

my baby is younger (almost 4 months) and I went back to work full time when she was 6 weeks old so guilt set in big time for me but during my PP time I was losing my mind although I had my entire family helping me and I had to do nothing but take care of baby, no cleaning, no cooking, no nothing, and they also helped with her a lot but still I couldn't take it once I was on my own (back from my parents' house to my own as we staid with them for the first month) for 2 weeks before I went back to work.

when I have strong guilt feelings brewing I remind myself of how much of a handful my baby is during the weekend (I get a little overwhelmed because she wants to wake up uber early and I want to sleep in and she doesn't nap at home but does at DC) and how it would be like for me if everyday was like the weekend with DD except my DH wouldn't be there to help and I feel very unguilty right away. If I had to do what I do during the weekend everyday with zero help and no adult interaction and career satisfaction I will lose my sanity and my baby will lose her mom!

and if I'm at home with her during holidays/pp time, etc I find that I keep myself busy not to go insane with house work and other stuff that I don't spend much more quality time with her than when I'm working because I put everything off until after she sleeps

mlee116 · November 2014

Like PPs said, I try to remind myself that this is just a normal phase and DS would go through this phase even if I wasn't working. Even kids with SAHMs sometimes cry when they are left with a family member or a babysitter, kwim? DS's teachers told me that he would usually cry for a max of 2 mins, then he was perfectly fine for the rest of the day.

I try to remember that he is with teachers that really care about him while I'm away and he is having a blast learning and being with his friends. I also make the most of my time with him while I am at home so that he knows just how loved he is. Pretty soon, the phase will pass and it will be easier. Just this summer, DS was having a really hard time, but now he wants to go to school on the weekends and holidays and yesterday when I picked him up, he didn't want to leave his friends!

bumpuser10331514 · November 2014

I take a lot of comfort in knowing its a phase, that they are ok within a couple of minutes after I go, that they spend less time upset if I go quickly, that they're upset b/c they love me, and that I'm comfortable with leaving them where they're at.

I've also found that distraction works as well for me as for them. I just hop on my phone once I'm in my car and check out FB or email for a second, and I'm no longer upset myself.

:-j

EricaOO · November 2014

Thank you all again for your responses. This makes me feel a lot better. Some days I feel better than others. I'll tell myself that I'm going to find a PT job and other days I'm appreciating this FT salary that is providing my baby with everything she needs.

nattyncbride · November 2014

I have nothing more to add considering the PPs have addressed everything. I just wanted to be another voice that says: we have all been there, and it gets better, I promise!

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In need of encouragement

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God Bless You my Little OneFarida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014Farida, at 8 weeks

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God Bless You my Little One
Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014

Farida, at 8 weeks