I need to vent. ...and need help. LONG

KKSBeans · November 2014

Basically I need to let out somewhere that it won't be repeated and is not DH.... cause I think he's at a loss of what to tell me.

My mom is a heavy smoker and has been since I've been alive. A few years ago, when I was pregnant, she got a really bad "cold" and didn't really eat and didn't leave the house for 3 weeks. In the process of this she lost alot of weight she didn't have to lose.

Fast forward to this past December, same thing. The only reason she left the house in a month was to come to my house for Christmas. Reason she came here is because she made me give my dad a list 2 weeks before Christmas and made him do all the shopping by himself and he brought it all here to be wrapped. She lost even more weight. ... She's lucky to be 100 lbs at this point.

Well through Google I think she has pretty severe COPD and these were excaberations that in reality she should have been hospitalized for. But she didn't go to the doctor. ... still hasn't. She used to come here and watch K while we worked, but I realized after we had to bounce her all over the place to cover that month that it was just best for me to be a SAHM, which I wanted anyway. .. it just expedited it. So K grew very close to her.

Now almost a year later, she may see K for half an hour a week. ... if that and always has an excuse to hurry and leave. She has no ambition for anything. Things she used to love doing, she wants no part of. If you mention that to her she gets shitty and defensive. She never wants to leave the house. Everytime I talk to her the whole conversation is taken over by this wet, nasty cough that she blames on sinuses and she won't go to the doctor. You don't dare mention it or she comes unglued. She is never happy, I never see her laugh, she acts like I am bothering her and I am just so pissed off ! I'm pissed for me, but mainly for K. I am an only child and her and I used to be so close, but she is isolating herself and I am so pissed off at her that I find myself pushing her away.

Have any of you dealt with this with a parent ? Have any suggestions or I opinions ? Anything really and for those of you that took the time to read this mess...... I'm truly grateful.

hmp1 · November 2014

Sorry you are dealing with this. Have you talked to your Dad about it?

KKSBeans · November 2014

I have and he feels the same way I do, but it's basically always the pink elephant in the room when the three of us are together.

It also doesn't help that he smokes too, so probably has issues as well. .... Although not to this degree.

smb+jab · November 2014

Oh big hugs to you - I am so sorry you are having to deal with this i completely understand how tough it is as I could have written this post myself about my father.

We started seeing the same issues with him once he was sort of forced into retirement (two years ago). Retirement should be a happy time right? Well not for all. He had "retired" from his previous job at 60 and was pulling a pension from that job and took another job for a considerable amount of money, which he was only planning to stay at for 5 years, well he hated it once he started (high stress and long hours and a shitty boss) so 5 years became 2 and he was laid off because the company was relocating. So retirement early. it wasn't that they weren't ready for retirement, I guess because it wasn't his choice...

He was always a smoker but had quit when I was in high school and had picked it back up when he retired, which was extra detrimental to him at this point in his life as ten years ago he was diagnosed with a virus in heart that knocked it out of rhythm. The only led to an official diagnosis of COPD and now oxygen treatments. During this retirement period my father dipped into a period of depression that none of us could bring him out of and nearly killed himself with alcohol (he spent last December and January in the hospital detoxing and recovering from a weakened immune system).

Has your mom had any big health scares? that was one thing that, as terrible to say that really hit home for my dad. Once he returned home from the hospital he did start eating again and and really trying. However he has slipped (and still wont give up smoking) so its not all perfect....

Are there any doctors that you can find in the area that specialized in treating patients like you mom that maybe you could visit first to see if they would be a good fit (personality wise - as some doctors can be a bit clinical and maybe she could use someone to be a bit more friendly and calming towards her)? or maybe ask around if anyone nearby has any recommendations

please feel free to message me anytime if you want to talk

kelbel527 · November 2014

We're dealing with health issues in our family right now and the stubbornness of parents. So I don't have any perfect answers, as we struggle with it constantly. It's hard.

It sounds like she might be depressed and I would definitely talk to your Dad about it as well. You may need to sit her down and have a serious conversation with her. It's hard and she may not listen, but whenever I'm feeling frustrated for my Mom not thinking about her own health, I remind her that she has grandchildren that love her and would be devastated if she wasn't able to be around for them. In our family, I have 2 other siblings to share in the burden, but since my Mom is single, my Dad isn't there to help at all. She hates it when she feels like we're all ganging up on her, so I would recommend if you do talk to her, maybe just doing it one on one at first.

It's not an easy situation, but she's lucky to have a daughter who is concerned about her and I hope you had find something to help her. Good luck!

Kissty · November 2014

I am sorry you are going through this. It is really frustrating when a parent will not go to a doctor even when warranted. The only thing I can suggest is patience while speaking with her. You need to sit her down face to face and let her know how much K misses her. I say patience because there will be defensiveness, excuses and possibly anger. Explain you are saying these things out of love. Remind her that you are an only child and seeing her health deteriorate is very scary for you. (I'm also an only child and just the thought terrifies me). Good luck hun. It may take more than one conversation to get resolved.

KKSBeans · November 2014

Thank you for taking the time to not only read the novel, but to take the time to respond too

I'm sorry that you guys are having to deal with this too. It's difficult as an adult to watch your parents have utter disregard for themselves, which in turn feels like utter disregard for you.

She hasn't had any major scares other than the 2 instances of illness that scared the crap out of me. I fear talking to her will only force her to isolate more. I think she honestly thinks I buy the sinus bullshit and that she thinks she's fooling all of us. To get her to the doctor would honestly take trickery. .... like a child because she currently gets pissed if you mention it. To my knowledge she hadn't been to a doctor since I was born except urgent care once for a finger injury.

It just pissed me off even more yesterday. She used to love looking at Christmas lights and we put ours up Monday to beat the cold. I asked her to go out front and look. ... not even 50 steps. She wouldn't.... said something about Popsicles in the car melting. Just aggravating as hell !!

MRoxy0628 · November 2014

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with @kelbel527 that you need to have a serious conversation with her about how you feel and your concerns about her. I would try to get together with her one-on-one and maybe bring some information about COPD. Hopefully, reiterating how worried you are about her and how it's affecting your relationship as well as her relationship with your daughter might help.

Are her parents or siblings around to help? Is there someone she really trusts and listens to? Perhaps they could get involved and help. I hope you're able to make some headway with her soon.

KKSBeans · November 2014

My Grandma has mentioned things to me but has always been opinionated about our lives so what she would say would be taken worth a grain of salt. My mom and uncle aren't close enough to warrant a conversation of that depth, so it's on me.

I already know what the excuse will be. ... that I don't take K to her house. Well 2 packs a day are smoked in that house and I really don't want K breathing it in (although I don't have the guts to say it lol)

Thank you everyone for all of the advice, from the bottom of my heart

Kissty · November 2014

It's gonna take guts to get this conversation going. Start out slowly if you need to. Have a small convo. and let it go, next time a longer convo. Build it up if you have to. You need to be heard. Tell her the things you are telling us. You said the two of you are already being pushed apart. What works with my hard headed stubborn mother is when I finally get pissed and lay it all out there. That may not work with yours, but you have got to be heard.

Hyaline · November 2014

Probably a very different take.

My parents are both smokers, first off, so I hear you on the health concerns. They smoke in their house but since they do not smoke around DD, I don't make a federal case out of it. I'm not going to tell you to expose your child if you truly feel it's detrimental, but please consider doing a little more research into thirdhand smoke before drawing the hard line that you refuse to take your daughter into their house. Most studies actually do not indicate any proven risk for it. (One of the most widely reported studies was actually about people perceiving health risk and so avoiding it, but it was reported as "Harvard says thirdhand smoke is DEADLY" or something like that.)

However, the really different take--what do you expect as a best-case scenario out of this situation? There are a lot of problems swirling around here, and some have solutions, while others may not. She is unlikely to quit smoking at this age. She likely has COPD. Both of these things are also true of my father. I think, in his mind, he's already accepted that he will probably die of lung complications and won't be joining the centenarian's club. And (flame suit), so have I. The difference is, he's not depressed. He still enjoys what he enjoys out of life. He has hobbies, he enjoys seeing family.

Your mom, on the other hand, definitely sounds depressed. And I don't blame her. She's probably facing her mortality, and realizing that it's not so far-fetched that she'll die earlier than she might have wanted. How long has this been going on? If it's not terribly long--a few months, not a year or more--I might consider just sticking by her and saying nothing and letting her work through this. I wouldn't push seeing a doctor, because it sounds like it's a major hot spot for her and it probably wouldn't help. They'd tell her to...what, quit smoking? If she can't decide to do that on her own, someone in a white coat won't make it happen by magic.

KKSBeans · November 2014

The worst of it has been over the course of the past year and in all honesty I think the reason I am mad more than sad, it's almost like I've been preparing myself for her not to be there, which is awful but I almost realize it as my reality. Her dad passed away at 54....i have no recollection of him and I fear history will repeat itself. I don't think it would be so bad if she wasn't so isolated.

As far as going into their house. ..... it's not the fact they smoke in the house. It's the fact that I don't think they've opened a window in 20 years. It's like a cloud that hangs. ... it burns your eyes and makes it hard to breathe..... even for someone who smoked like I did for a long time. I

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