Seriously depressed

runner76 · November 2014

I know this is only our third month trying.. but in the three years we dated we have had unprotected sex and no accidents have happened.. although we have always stopped as soon as I entered my ovulation window up until two days after ovulating. But these last three months since married we have tried.. I really had my hopes up this month. I bought the clearblue advanced opk and got three flashy smileys and finally solid ( it was to the day of when I am supposed to ovulate) I am really like clock work with my period.. I know this doesn't predict that I actually ovulated.. But during this time, my husband apparently got major performance anxiety.. As soon as he saw the flashy smiley he couldn't get an erection.. I was literaly almost in tears.. I had the normal Cm ( stretchy with some blood tinged, positive opk) and he could barely have sex.. we did end up finishing every day but it was like pulling teeth and it wasn't like normal.. Part of me doesn't even know if he actually finished. Now that I am a week past ovulation, he is having no issues again and of course wants to do it.. I could barely do it cause I am so disappointed and feeling not right. Is he going to not be able to every time I ovulate.. He says that he wants to have a baby more than anything.. ( we are both re married, I have a daughter and he has two kids from previous marriage) He wants our own.. I am 38 and I feel like maybe its too late. I know I have barely tried but I don't know if I can take the disappointment every month.. I started my BBT temp today and it was 97.6. from what I read it is highly unlikely that I am pg just based on that temp.. I took a test and its negative.. Im not due till next Wednesday though.. I just feel pms like normal. slightly sore breasts, irritable.. just pretty positive it didn't work.. how do u keep positive and how do I help my husband from having these performance anxiety issues? I told him I don't want him to see the opk and we shouldn;t talk about when I am ovulating..

vh2014 · November 2014

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. My dh is not seeing anything so he'll be "stress free" but I know some actually know and keep better than us so that doesn't always work....

So no additional suggestions but big hugs and you aren't alone.

runner76 · November 2014

thanks so much.. I just don't want to give up but I feel like it.. good luck to you too

kelley72 · November 2014

@runner76 you have posted several times and many women have responded with positive statements and helpful suggestions. I wish you would participate in the board more than just to tell us how bad you are feeling and perhaps some of the true comradery will rub off on you and make a difference in your attitude. Sometimes laughter is the best medicine, no I'm not suggesting it will make you pregnant but it could make your day a little lighter and spark some hope for your situation which is not at doom and gloom.

runner76 · November 2014

I have been trying to respond to others' posts.. just hard to often since im at work.. I feel like no one is giving me a chance ..

sonpetitlapin · November 2014

I am sorry you are having a rough time at it. It is tough, especially when you want it so bad. Maybe not notifying H of O and make it a little more sensual, like when you both were not trying. That way it may relieve some of the pressure. I have been thinking about make a post regarding this issue, more of fun post and to help with TTC. As it is very stressful for both parties and can make it harder on the personal relationship.

I know how it is with a busy life and busy job. I may not have the wealth of knowledge here these wonderful ladies give, but I at least try to reply to posts the best I can. Even if it is a short sentence.

runner76 · November 2014

thank you.. yes sounds like a good post.. I have three more months and I guess I need to see a fertility dr. Idk if that's even covered under insurance. I am trying to not let him know but the only issue is he knows me so well. he can tell when im around the time of ovulating.. because of how I feel and also he knows when I get my period.. Should I try to not let him know when I get it.. we are extremely active and have sex almost daily.. I really think that is lowering his sperm possibly.. I just maybe need to not say the day I get my period or be more discreet.. Idk how to even temp without him seeing and I worry that will make him anxious.. ugh why so difficult

vh2014 · November 2014

My dh heard the beep but until our discussion yesterday didn't ask. I am temping all through the month so that won't be a give away as to where we are. I never tell him when I start Af, just if he tries to bd... lol

TheAerialist · November 2014

Lots going on here, but my tiny piece of advice would be to not tell him about the OPK's. Also, if you have sex every day, why bother with taking them in the first place (says the one who loves to pee on everything!)?

The beeping thermometer is the most annoying thing ever. I wish I was rich and didn't feel bad about spending $80 on a thermometer, I'd totally get a Kindara Wink. They vibrate instead of beep. I hold my hand over it to muffle the sound, thinking about taping a cotton ball over the speaker to muffle it permanently.

northernkhaleesi · November 2014

I agree with the great advice you've gotten here, OP. Your H is stressed by knowing too much - don't tell him. Just seduce him when you know the timing is good.

My DH knows that I temp, but doesn't ask to know the details. I asked him if he wanted to know, and he said not really. And I'm okay with that. To me, it's much the same as taking prenatal vitamins - I do it as a part of TTC, doesn't mean that he has to. He takes care of himself in other ways and we enjoy an active sex life - TTC or not.

Don't make it all about a baby. Obviously that's the end goal for you right now, but it's not the only reason to enjoy intimacy.

Good luck!

gscoville · November 2014

runner76 said:

I know this is only our third month trying.. but in the three years we dated we have had unprotected sex and no accidents have happened.. although we have always stopped as soon as I entered my ovulation window up until two days after ovulating. But these last three months since married we have tried.. I really had my hopes up this month. I bought the clearblue advanced opk and got three flashy smileys and finally solid ( it was to the day of when I am supposed to ovulate) I am really like clock work with my period.. I know this doesn't predict that I actually ovulated.. But during this time, my husband apparently got major performance anxiety.. As soon as he saw the flashy smiley he couldn't get an erection.. I was literaly almost in tears.. I had the normal Cm ( stretchy with some blood tinged, positive opk) and he could barely have sex.. we did end up finishing every day but it was like pulling teeth and it wasn't like normal.. Part of me doesn't even know if he actually finished. Now that I am a week past ovulation, he is having no issues again and of course wants to do it.. I could barely do it cause I am so disappointed and feeling not right. Is he going to not be able to every time I ovulate.. He says that he wants to have a baby more than anything.. ( we are both re married, I have a daughter and he has two kids from previous marriage) He wants our own.. I am 38 and I feel like maybe its too late. I know I have barely tried but I don't know if I can take the disappointment every month.. I started my BBT temp today and it was 97.6. from what I read it is highly unlikely that I am pg just based on that temp.. I took a test and its negative.. Im not due till next Wednesday though.. I just feel pms like normal. slightly sore breasts, irritable.. just pretty positive it didn't work.. how do u keep positive and how do I help my husband from having these performance anxiety issues? I told him I don't want him to see the opk and we shouldn;t talk about when I am ovulating..

Charting/temping/OPKs are meant to pinpoint ovulation so you can time sex properly and don't have to have sex every day or every other day (EOD) through your cycle. If your cycles are as regular as you say and you're already having sex almost every day every cycle, you don't really need to pinpoint ovulation for sex timing, so why do it? If you do continue to temp/chart, then don't tell your husband when you ovulate, just continue having sex as normal and don't keep him in the loop about everything your cycle is doing. Also, if you just started temping today, you can't tell anything by your temps, you have to start either during or near the end of your period and track your temps through ovulation until the end of your cycle for temping to be of any use. And please do keep in mind that temping is to pinpoint ovulation only, it is NOT meant to try to predict possible pregnancy.

Ultimately, I always try to imagine what our guys go through when they have to perform for TTC. For them, sex is such a mental thing, if they feel pressure it can really affect their ability to finish. If it was ME who absolutely had to orgasm in order to get pregnant, I'm not sure I could - I mean, we have awesome sex and hubby almost always gets me there, but if I was the least bit distracted or felt like I HAD to orgasm I'm quite sure I wouldn't. This is the position our guys are in, of course the pressure can inhibit their ability to get the job done. The worst thing in this case is to bruise their ego by letting disappointment or frustration show, that will only add pressure and make things even worse. The first time my hubby couldn't finish during a fertile window sex session, I made a conscious effort to reassure him it was all right, I wasn't disappointed, I didn't blame him - basically, I tried very hard not to let him feel like he was lacking in any way.

Lastly, as someone who has a friend and a couple relatives who are clinically diagnosed and on meds for severe depression, and who struggle with the stigma attached to their diagnosis as well as people equating their very real medical problems with being sad or just in a bad mood they should be able to shake off, I would strongly request that you not use the term 'seriously depressed'. If you feel you are in fact depressed, to the point where you feel like you could harm yourself or others, can't function, leave the house, do your normal daily routine, etc., then do please seek professional help - true depression is not something to ignore or just hope it will get better. If you're not actually depressed but 'feeling down', which is the sense I get from your post, then please say that. Sorry, but I have a hard time not speaking up when people throw the word 'depressed' around so lightly, it demeans those who actually have and struggle with a real diagnosis.

boymamaco · November 2014

You've received such great advice that I can only add my own experience which is to absolutely NOT tell about O dates, CM, timing, etc. etc.
yes I understand your H knows your AF dates, O dates, etc. but I'd guess its a topic of conversation anyway. Guide the conversation away from baby making and just let it be natural btwn you two.
At 37 I'd say give it a full 6 months trying and then look into an RE. Your coverage is based on your insurance and state (a question you asked from another post) so you have a few more tries. Make the best of em!

runner76 · November 2014

thank you for all advice, im not due until next Wednesday so I am not testing again until Monday.. that will be 12 DPO.. I apologize for the depression comment, although I do struggle with anxiety and depression.. I know I need to give it some more time before I get this discouraged. I had no trouble getting PG 8 years ago with my daughter so hopefully I am okay.. not sure about my hubby since he is not my daughters father. time will tell. I just need patience!

vballbaby · November 2014

Good luck and I agree with the other ladies advice. Maybe just don't tell him so many details. When it becomes too medical maybe it's just not a turn on. Go buy some new bra and panties and try to bring some fun back into it! I'm actually going to buy some today!

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