MIL concerns

serenbach · October 2014

Hi ladies,

Just a quick one, I have a week old little boy and my family have been so supportive and I really do appreciate it, especially my mother as she minds him sometimes to allow me to tidy the house and bath etc and I have complete faith in her looking after him. However my MIL (well SO's mother as we're not married) is also overjoyed with her first grandson (the constant 'nannies boy facebook updates show that) and as she lives further away from my parents I think she's pushing to have him go to her house and eventually when he's old enough to sleep over but I don't feel comfortable with it for some reason, I mean my mother yeah I've seen her with my brothers children for 5 years who she always looks after and has to stay over night but I just wouldn't trust anyone else with him, am I being over the top or is this normal?

The main thing that has made me feel like I don't want her on her own with him for long is a conversation my mother had with her the other day that I didn't hear which went -

M - 'aw Freddie's eyes are a bit sticky'
MIL - 'some baby oil will sort that out'
M - 'no? Sterile water and cotton wool is all you can use'

This set alarm bells ringing and I feel awkard as I want to discuss it with my SO but I don't think it would go down well so I haven't mentioned it.

Also she has a dog which I don't feel is safe, one time I was at her house with my 3 year old nephew and he bit toast out of his hand almost biting him.

Basically am I being over the top with my concerns or would you also be wary? I'm not in any way trying to come across as ungrateful as I appreciate the support from everyone as my SO returned to work 3 days after the birth

ashiscute · October 2014

I think you're jumping the gun on things a bit. She's one week old so you have plenty of time to decide if she'll be a suitable baby sitter for your LO. Honestly, nothing you said sounds like a big deal to me but it is different when your first is a newborn.

Just to give you some perspective DD didn't have a sleepover at my mom's until she was 16 months and at my MIL's till 19 months. DS was about 18 months and 19 months as well. This is a problem that is ages away for you. Try to calm down and realize that your emotions are all over the place and this is sort of a non-issue. And enjoy that baby!

serenbach · October 2014

I know my emotions are crazy at the moment, an advert on tv can make me cry!

It's not so much a 'baby sitter' I have childcare arranged for when I return to work, its just that she wants to spend time as a grandma with him understandably. She comes over our place to visit and stays for hours which I find hard work atm as I don't get to see my SO much as he works and I just want to enjoy time just the three of us. I know it's a bit early to be worrying but I know it's only going to be a few weeks before she starts asking for him to go to her house alone.

I'm just freaking out a little bit that she suggested puring baby oil into his eyes it's not a witch hunt, but I undertand that I'm probably coming across as a bit BSC about the whole thing. I'm sorry.

kyliefish · October 2014

I completely understand your concern, and I think its justified. I've been worrying about some of the same things- it's so hard not to!

I think time might be the only thing that will bring clarity on this issue, though. Just observe how your MIL interacts with your LO under your supervision over these next months and go from there. Maybe even make it a point to familiarize her with the "protocols" that you put into place in caring for LO. And when the time comes, definitely discuss with her and SO your concerns about the dog.

Good luck!

ashiscute · October 2014

megrobsonx said:

I know my emotions are crazy at the moment, an advert on tv can make me cry! It's not so much a 'baby sitter' I have childcare arranged for when I return to work, its just that she wants to spend time as a grandma with him understandably. She comes over our place to visit and stays for hours which I find hard work atm as I don't get to see my SO much as he works and I just want to enjoy time just the three of us. I know it's a bit early to be worrying but I know it's only going to be a few weeks before she starts asking for him to go to her house alone. I'm just freaking out a little bit that she suggested puring baby oil into his eyes it's not a witch hunt, but I undertand that I'm probably coming across as a bit BSC about the whole thing. I'm sorry.

Easy. Say no. He's too little to go without you.

Also, talk to your SO. This is his mother. Tell him you are tired and worn out and it's hard on you to entertain your MIL for such a long time each time she visits and have him tell her to limit their visits to an hour or so. If you don't talk to him he won't know how you're feeling. I would just try to not allow your mother to take the baby all of the time and not your MIL. That may hurt feelings.

Beevol · October 2014

I'm with @Idani - the first 1-2 months is a time of emotional and physical flux. Ride it out and try not to do anything you might regret later (like starting a big fight about your MIL for example).

Your kid isn't going to have any sleep overs for months (at least - DD didn't sleep over at my parent's house until she was a year old and they live in town and are super involved). By the time you get there, you will be glad to have your MIL watch your kid and setting boundaries and expectations with her will be much easier because you wont be a sleep deprived, postpartum mess.

People forget the "fourth trimester" but it's a real concern to keep in mind. Your body is not going to be your body for a couple/few months yet because you and your baby are still pretty closely connected (especially if you're breastfeeding, but even if you're formula feeding). Honor that.

MesmrEwe · October 2014

Think "how would I react if this was my fourth child.." IMO - as PP have mentioned - it's PP hormones right now, by the time you get to an overnight visit you'll be thanking your lucky stars to have someone excited to take care of LO. Remember, your SO turned out just fine, your baby is in good hands... Never turn away help!

Granted, FMIL AND your Mom needs to be updated on a few things (they're called "Artificial tears" - sterile water isn't saline enough - even if just running bath water over the eyes normal to rinsing shampoo out or a massage to the inner eye usually takes care of the issue to loosen up the blockage quickest)...

serenbach · October 2014

Thank you for your honesty all, I realise I'm stressing over too early I guess my family are a bit different in the sense that my newphews have both stayed at my parents house since they were both a couple of months old.

I think I'm just sleep deprived and seriously missing my SO as he has had no time off so I just want to spend time on my own with him and my son but he feels bad on his mum as she lives on her own and is always contacting him, like Friday is the only day he might have off this week and it sounds already like we will be meeting with her for lunch etc. I tried saying I find it a bit much when she comes over for hours but he said it's a long way for her to come (30 min drive). It's also hard for my mum not to spend time with him as she lives 5 mins away and I go to her house most days as my SO is in work so we go out for a walk or to my nans house which I understand might upset MIL.

Also the dog thing, the dog was let into the room not by me. My parents have a huge German Shepard so I'm used to dogs around children and making sure that everyone is safe (I've let my dog meet him, have a sniff but tend to keep him in a different room even though I trust him I believe you can never trust them 100%).

@MesmrEwe‌ the midwife is the one who said this and also said to use some breast milk with it as they were yellow and sticky but it's all cleared up now.

RedBaramid · October 2014

I just want you to know that my MIL and I disagree about some things, but we have agreed that when it comes down to the end of it, she is my daughter and if it is something that I feel like threatens her safety. my word is law. So yeah. my MIL does things that I'm not happy about sometimes (baby and dog proximity, using a blanket to swaddle rather than a swaddler, using soaps and lotions I don't like) but I've won all my big battles like what type of medicine she gets, ratio of pumped BM verses Formula in feedings, rules about who holds baby depending on vaccination status, what kind of area she sleeps in. I had to let my baby go 1 week pp because of pre-e complications, I was re-hospitalized and my husband couldn't do it alone. At 3 weeks my MIL made a deal that she would take the baby on Saturday nights at 9pm and we would pick her up at 11am in the morning. I cried like a baby the first couple of times I let her go but honestly it has been SOO worth it. Getting that time with DH, getting a mostly full night's sleep... it has made me a better mommy.

I'm not saying your MIL is suitable, but talk to her, establish ground rules, make sure you win the battles most important to you, and breathe. Your baby will never remember how often you let her go stay away at grandma's without you.. especially in these early days I think it's important to let go so you can stay sane and recharged. It has really made the difference for me. **I also acknowledge my life situation/agreement isn't for everyone, but I highly encourage mommas who can let go of babies at least 1 night a month do it based on my super positive experience with it. Also I can't tell you how AMAZING it feels when I walk into my MIL's after a night apart and she hears my voice and starts to turn her head to look for me. It's probably my favorite part of letting her go for the night.

Ahlome08 · October 2014

I can see where you're coming from, as my MIL disagree on a few things as well. Like @RedBaramid‌ said, though, she agrees that my rule is law. For example: she tried convincing me to use crib bumpers and that baby in tummy is how her kids slept and they're fine. DH and I simply told her that, while her children turned out fine, those are risks we're not willing to take since that was 25 years ago and they've discovered new things. Needless to say, as long as you let your MIL know your rules, she will follow them because all she really wants is to see that baby

jenn43 · October 2014

It's totally normal to stress at this stage. My ILs were a constant source of stress in the early days- they were always pushing us to come over, and my MIL would walk around with the baby even though she wasn't the steadiest on her feet. What I really needed was some space to adjust to being a mom. My husband set some limits with them, and I started to relax a bit when LO was around 4 months old. Just know that it's normal to worry and be super protective of that baby. It's okay to set limits, or to say you need some space.

Natspoiledbrat · November 2014

I think your concerns do seem a little over the top, but also think its totally understandable considering you just had a baby and your hormones are not adjusted yet. I totally agree that I don't want my son to stay the night at my MIL (also not married) house either, but at the end of the day, I'm sure there will be a time when it is going to happen. I figure that my SO ended up just fine, good enough for me to choose him to make another little person with, so whatever MIL did, no one died or was seriously injured. I know the day will come, and though I would much rather have LO spend the night with my mom, I will just have to suck it up and give in a little.

serenbach · November 2014

Thanks all, reading back I realise that it was mostly hormones taking over. I still won't feel comfortable for a long time with either grand parents but over time and observing others with him I'm sure I will feel less possessive over him.

Friskypuppys · November 2014

I love how you barely get your little one home and everyone wants to take them overnight. Big hugs and remember, you can always say they are too little. My SIL decided to put me on the spot with my MIL and say oh we can take him (my LO) on vacation with us in March. UHHH nooo, I just got him home from the hospital (a four month stay) what makes you think I'm going to let him out of my sight anytime soon.

I also think they don't realize the amount of work a wee one is. They just see the fun side, not the up multiple times a night, and trying to get LO down for a nap.

So my answer has been no he's too little and I will let you know when he's big enough.

(for your future no needs)

daniellem2600 · November 2014

I completely understand your frustration and nervousness. I'm in the same boat. Our son is now 4 months and I just returned to work and my MIL watches him every once in a while. I have walked in on some pretty nerve racking situations and I have to speak up because she is clueless. It was just different when they raised their kids and it is hard for them to accept that their way is not how the mothers want it these days. Don't be afraid to say something, but you may want to speak with your SO first and have him talk to her. That worked for us. My husband expressed his concerns and she understood. She also asked that I leave her notes of what I want because she understands that I am a paranoid first mom. So whenever she watches him I leave little updates and notes for her to watch out for. I know that he will not get all his naps in when she watches him but she has his best interest in mind so I have to keep remembering that.

MeiMei77 · November 2014

Noooo, you are not paranoid. Baby oil for the eyes and a dog who has already snapped at a child?! Your instincts are correct. Supervised visits only with MIL.

Does your SO see it your way?

I was attacked by the family dog (miniature schnauzer) as a five-year-old and it left lasting scars on my face. Children are mauled to death by "nice" dogs who "never bite."

Don't get me wrong, I still love dogs, but I don't let my child be cared for by people who don't have the sense to keep their dog the heck away.

MeiMei77 · November 2014

My MIL is one of the main reasons we are doing day care! She refused to get a tdap and flu shot and insists that babies should sleep on their stomachs and have blankets in the crib.

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