Coping with life after baby and finding balance

Sunny528 · November 2014

Hi All!

I am a FTM. I had my beautiful baby boy on 5/30/14 and he is the center of my world. I love him dearly. However, being a mom is hard work as you know. For the last 5 months I've been learning the ropes of caring for a baby. To be honest, I'm just now feeling far more comfortable with everything... handling him, caring for him, etc. It takes time to learn your baby and get in a groove with them. While I'm now feeling more comfortable with the baby, I am starting to look at the rest of my life and some things I wish I could fix and perhaps I can find some tips from some seasoned moms or those that are already able to successfully pull off what I'm wanting to achieve.

For one, I wish I could not feel so run down all of the time. I think the factors that have contributed to this are that I have not had a full night of sleep for almost an entire year. Through about the last half of my pregnancy I was waking up 5 times or more a night due to achy hips. My baby still wakes up a couple times a night. Also, I am a working mom and work full time. My husband and I do not have any family where we live, so we never get a break. If there is anyone in a similar situation...how do you cope?

I'm also disappointed in the fact that it's taking longer than I hoped it would for my pregnancy weight to come off. I have 22 lbs left to lose to reach my pre-pregnancy weight. The thing is that I'm so tired all of the time that I don't have the energy to exercise and I feel so hungry often as I'm so sleep deprived. I do not breastfeed since my baby has a dairy sensitivity and has to be on a special formula. Any pointers? Do I just need to suck it up and try to be stronger and push myself harder so I can lose the weight?

Also, I see other moms who had babies around the same time as me and they all look so much more put together than me. Their hair looks great, makeup freshly done, coordinated outfit. I wonder how they have time for that? I'm working so hard to drag myself out of bed each morning. I feel like I look I've aged...I'm getting more white hairs. I have permanent dark circles under my eyes and dull skin. I hope I do not come off sounding superficial. But I guess I just want to feel better about myself and I'm sure there are other moms who can relate?

I'm honestly trying to figure out how other moms are making it work that way I can learn from them and try to implement any suggestions so I can make improvements.

Any tips? I look forward to hearing others' feedback and hopefully the answers will help other moms on the board who are struggling with these sort of things. Thank you!

ns1 · November 2014

First, from my own experience, what you're saying sounds spot on. This parent gig is seriously rough! I also work full-time and don't have any family nearby. I have a toddler (3) and this little 5 months old May kid. I also haven't gotten a full nights sleep in forever! I feel run down too! It sucks! I also never look put together. I put my shirt on for the morning (to avoid spit up accidents ) as I go out the door and never look at it in the mirror. My hair sometimes get straightened, mostly is in a pony tail or bun. I'm definitely rocking the dark eye circles too!

So, as far as advice, I haven't figured out much, but here are a few things that help me. 1. Take a night for yourself. Leave LO with DH and go do something you enjoy (for me it's been girls' nights, yoga, knitting night, shopping). 2. Find a babysitter you trust (a co-worker's kid? someone from care.com? a daycare teacher?) and have a night with DH 3. Make DH take some overnights (I am too much of a control freak to actually do this, but I sometimes fantasize about this). 4. Know that this too shall pass. It's all a phase and soon lack of sleep will be a thing of the past (then you'll get a new set of troubles to figure out!) 5. As far as the body thing...I don't know. This 2nd kid has done a number to me - everything on my body has grown, stretched out, become floppy, and it's just staying like this. I'm just trying to accept it. 6. Early bed times are great if LO will cooperate - time for yourself, yourself+DH, or yourself+bed.

Best wishes!

lrmrtn · November 2014

I'm in a similar boat. I feel exhausted all the time and fat. I agree with @ns1‌ - take some time for yourself, even if it's just running errands alone. I found this to be refreshing. Have DH do some overnights. DH and I alternate and even if I hear DS, it's nice to know I don't have to get up. Do a date night. We can't afford a sitter, but DS goes down at 7 so we'll order in and watch a DVD. As for being put together, I wear whatever's clean and have a 3 minute makeup routine - CC cream, eye shadow and mascara, just so I look less tired. As for the exercising, I can relate and am not very good at this myself but maybe find a quick workout online so you don't have to go anywhere. I like Jillian Michaels shred. It's 20 minutes and free on you tube. If only I did it more often...

apinkpelican · November 2014

There are days when balancing work like and home life are so overwhelming and I feel like I can't do it all at 100%. When I'm at home I'm stressed about work. When I'm at work I want to be with my baby, or cleaning the house, or planning dinner.
I'm considering looking for a part time job which I think would help me feel more on top of things but I love my job so don't want to leave it. I don't think pt would be an option here.

I struggle with getting motivation to work out but I know that will help me sleep better and feel better about myself. I've started scheduling appointments with a Pilates instructor (reformer). Having the apt forces me to do it. Maybe that is a good start for you? Sign up for a class or set a goal. A friend of mine does those Beachbody challenges and loves the motivation they give her. I'm always so annoyed with their posts on FB but it actually might be good for me just to kick start things.

You aren't alone!

Sunny528 · November 2014

Thank you everyone for your tips or letting me know you can relate! While I do have mom friends, they all have babies/children older than mine and their memories of this period are foggy. It's nice to know I'm not alone! Sometimes it feels hard to believe that this phase will pass. I feel like I'll never get to sleep normally again for the rest of my life...LOL. I'll definitely work to implement some of the suggestions I read on here. The bottom line is myself and other mom's just have to set aside time for themselves. It can be hard as we naturally put our families first...but it's necessary to maintain our sanity.

kendy20 · November 2014

I'm a SAHM and have so much respect for all of you ladies! I couldn't imagine working full time and being mommy. I agree with pp about making sure you take time for yourself, even if it's just to go out to the grocery store alone without LO. You're all doing an amazing job and like I said, so much respect for you ladies :-)

spinsoffresonance · November 2014

My neighbor is one of those moms that always looks put together in a cute outfit, combed hair and nice makeup. And every time I've randomly knocked on her door, her place is spotless. Hate her!!! (Not really). I am always a mess, I have nothing to wear because I don't fit in my pre pregnancy clothes and maternity clothes are way too big. I pretend my hair is still curly so I can just let it air dry and get nice curl (but in reality it won't curl anymore and is just a frizz ball) and manage to put make up on maybe once a week. I'm still haven't figured out when to work out since I was pregnant with my first 2 years ago.

It's hard! But I remember when DD1 started sleeping through the night, it changes your life. She was up nursing every 3 hours until 8months old. At 9months she dropped all those night feedings on her own an by 10months was sleeping 12 hours. Things instantly got better, DH and I felt like we had a life again. It will get better. In the mean time, have DH watch the baby one evening so you can get dinner with a friend after work or Saturday morning and go do something for yourself. And do the same for him.

hbird0723 · November 2014

I just read this today and thought it might be appropriate here:
https://www.scissortailsilk.com/2014/11/06/to-the-momma-at-chick-fil-a/

I just wanted to say that like pp have said you're not alone. I think what's helped me lately is doing some projects that are my own and that make me feel like more than a mommy and a wife. Not that I don't love being those things but I need something that's just mine too. We also have an early bedtime and even just that extra hour before I say I'm exhausted and need to go to bed is really great to have with my husband or to do sone other things.
Also those moms you see all put together...maybe they just managed to look that way that day

I have a couple days a month like that but for the most part I look like a mess! Now that she hardly naps off me. It's even worse. I have lots of respect for working mommies as well and for those with multiple kids. I think the best advice like pp has said is this too will pass! I try to tell myself that when I'm fighting my almost 6 month old on going to sleep! She won't always want me to rock and hold her so I try to soak it up. My sister sent me a text the other day and her 1 year old said no mommy I rock myself to sleep.
Just know you're not alone and I hear it gets better

QOTR · November 2014

I'm struggling in a similar way - not with comparing physical appearances with other moms but with functional aspects. I know I shouldn't compare my family to others, but I feel like other moms with babies my son's age are functioning better. Our outings are dependent on how well he's slept and when he needs to go back down. So while we get out for lunch and errands, it's always brief and we can't really predict what time we'll be somewhere. And since I'm the only one that can get him to sleep normally, I'm unable to be gone for longer than 2-3 hours at a time on my own. So when I see other new moms posting on FB about being out and about either with their kids or alone, it makes me feel sad and worried that our situation isn't normal or healthy. I don't know if they are more relaxed or have better sleepers but it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong here.

edited to correct typo.

ecotime47 · November 2014

Thanks for this post OP. My sweet wife is in the same boat as you. She works so hard all the time. She's dealing with the same things you mentioned. I know it's hard for her. I just want to be able to support her as best as I can.

QOTR · November 2014

thanks for the reminder @becole42.

momthatlifts · November 2014

I am following because I would like to know the secrets too. I am a SAHM and not only do I LOOK run down, but I FEEL run down. My head hurts by the end of every day, my hair is flat and dull, my make up is half assed. My hair styling includes a head band and possible combing. I'm always begging for a nap. I barely get a shower and I just feel dirty afterwards anyways. I should be radiant at almost 24, right? I live vicariously through Jesse James Decker and wonder how she looks so fabulous with her big curly hair and awesome make up. The only thing I have changed about my physical self is going back to the gym 6 days a week and I still feel like I haven't toned up. My sister (who can be very heartless at time) told me my boobs looked like water balloons with no more water. Did I mention I have a head by the end of every day? I just want to lay on the couch and not have to anticipate the sound of a waking baby for once. I don't want to strain my back by sitting on the floor and giving her a different toy and talking to her because she needs to be kept entertained. I'm tired, and stressed, and worn out. Sorry for that vet. You're not alone

mymommyplace · November 2014

I agree with everyone. I work full time and DS goes to daycare. DH and I had to find a routine that worked for us so one person wasn't doing everything. When one is getting ready the other is with the baby. If I have laundry I try to do one load MAYBE two a day before DS goes down and I literally will try to just play keep up with the house like 15 mins or so while DH entertains the kid. It's not like this everyday but it's a good part of the week. In terms of sleeping - you guys really have to alternate it's not fair for you to be getting up everytime you need sleep too and hey if you wind up going to sleep at 8 that's ok get as much sleep as you can. We just had our first "date" today and it's been planned for like two weeks! I took a vacation day and DH worked half day so while DS was in daycare we spent the afternoon together - even napped!!! You'll find your rhythm - hang in there!!

Mimaloo · November 2014

I did what I'm calling the lazy girl's diet. It's so easy and it helped me lost the last of my baby weight. It really required no extra effort on my part.

I did the 21 day challenge - I think it's advertised on tv but I can put you in touch with my beach body coach who can add you to her fb group. It's great to have some extra support. PM me if you want contact info. I also wrote about it in detail here.

Unknown · November 2014

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