working mom guilt

NLewis1 · November 2014

OK, so I'm basically just needing to get this off my chest and figured the best place to do so would be here, where I have a support group who undoubtedly understands where I'm coming from.

I'm a FTM. My guy is just over 2 months old and I've been back to work for 4 weeks. I'm really struggling with what I'm referring to as "working mom guilt".

I love my job, and I'm proud of the direction I'm heading in my career. That being said, sometimes I feel like a horrible mother because my son spends so much more time with people other than myself.

I work full time and due to a new opportunity at work I now have evening conference calls (which I take at home since I can bring my computer home with me, and have a company paid cell phone). He is with the nanny all day, then when I pick him up he crashes on the way home. During my conference call he is either with my H (if he's home from work by then) or a babysitter while I'm locked in my home office.

I feel like I see him for 2 total hours a day. I do have the weekends with him, but am on call every other weekend and occasionally have to take him to my mom if I get called out.

In March I have to go to Houston for a week, then in April I have to turn around and go back for 2 more days (gone 3 days with travel).

I seriously feel like this kid is never going to see me while he grows up. I love my job and don't want to be a SAHM, but I still feel SO guilty and I'm not sure how to talk myself through those feelings.

When I talk to my husband he tries to be supportive but he doesn't understand where I'm coming from.

And if you made it this far, I reward you with adorable pictures! Though I have no idea how to get them right side up :S

Edited: words are hard at 6am

TheBorg7of9 · November 2014

I'm sorry you're feeling bad! Going back to work at 4 weeks would be really! Hard!
But I think 2 hours a day is pretty good and better than what a lot of people have. Also at 8 weeks old, that's a good chunk of his waking hours. He is probably asleep for most of the time that you are gone.

MommyAtty · November 2014

I went through this with my first one, too. I was getting about an hour with her in the mornings and at best an hour in the evenings. My job requires frequent travel and long hours. (I have 2 trips next week, for example, one a day trip and the other requiring an overnight stay.) My DD absolutely knows I'm her mama. And I'm the one she wants when she's hurt or sick or scared. I am 100% a better mama to her because I work. So honestly, just remind yourself over and over that (1) you are working for the good of your family, (2) you are the only mom your kid will ever have, and (3) there are a lot of us out here with kids who have not merely survived but have thrived with working moms. Oh, and (4) this early sleepiness does not last. It gets much better when they start staying up later. My 6 month old can now make it to 7:30 before crashing, which is an awesome improvement.

2chatter · November 2014

It gets better. I had a hard time up until about a year with each of mine, and it ebbed and flowed. It's a big adjustment to suddenly have all this responsibility and love all at once, especially as a FTM. Accept how you feel now, and make the most of the time you do have. Things will level off. And kudos for "doing it right" (IMO). You have asked for and employed help where you need it. That means you are at your best when you are with your child, not frazzled and juggling. Focus on the quality of time, not the quantity.

And know that my three, despite the fact that I sometimes felt like they never saw me, I was an awful mother and that the time I did spend with them didn't compare to the time they spent with others, are well adjusted and my biggest fans. Look at the moms you know who work and then look at their kids. Promise not a single one of those kids is at all conflicted about their mom and you can see their bond - even if mom works 60 hours a week and employs two nannies.

billybumbler · November 2014

PPs have covered most points, I just wanted to add that when I was a kid, my dad worked a lot. But when he was with us, he was 100% there and very interested in us kids.

I have almost no childhood memories of him NOT being there, of him working too much. What I do remember is all the fun things we did together and all the things he taught me.

BabyHope2013 · November 2014

I completely agree with PP. It gets easier the longer you do this and the older your child gets. I used to get all worked up with the same worries and concerns that you have. One thing that I find that helps is being in the moment and realizing that I the dishes or laundry can sometimes wait until after DS goes to bed. Then I try to plan fun things for when I do have days off or weekends when I don't have to work. Gives me something to look forward too and I think that we create better memories and bond more that way.

NLewis1 · November 2014

Thanks ladies. I should clarify, he's 10 weeks old ("a little over 2 months") and I went back to work at 6 weeks. I just didn't want you all to think I was that big of a rock star lol.

But thanks for the kind thoughts, I do try to spend all of his wakeful moments playing with him, and doing house work when he's sleeping, he's in such a fun stage right now with just starting to show me when he thinks something is funny!

I keep trying to remember my mom worked full time when I was growing up and we have a very close relationship. I wouldn't call her a bad mom at all! I'm trying to cut myself some slack.

I think it is hard in my area because all of my friends are stay at home mom's. We live in a rural area dominated by oil and gas, and coal Production, and its very much the way of life for the men to work their 80-100 hour weeks while the wife stays home and tends to the house and kids. My husband does still work those 80 hour weeks, but the difference is, I also have a very good job in the oilfield (office, not out on a rig).

I just wanted to know I wasn't crazy for feeling the way I feel, and I appreciate you guys so much!

mommymegan831 · November 2014

I haven't read through all the posts and I have a feeling this goes against a lot of advice you've been given, but what is your priority right now? I'm a teacher, I have my supervisors certificate because I knew it would be easier to get it before kids, but I have no intention of using it for a while because I don't want to work 12 months a year or past 3 for right now. Would you be willing to put you career on hold for a while to focus on children then pursue advancement in several years? If that's not an option no point in worrying about it

NLewis1 · November 2014

I think whats so hard for me personally is that I don't want to be a SAHM, and I like my job and make pretty good money. But I still miss my kid. I guess I was just wanting some validation that my feelings are normal for working moms. I can't imagine other working moms don't feel the same way, so I just needed to be heard, and have someone it was OK to feel how I felt. I feel almost selfish because the simple solution is to stay home, but I know that wouldn't work for me or my family in the long run.

djm31012 · November 2014

You got a lot of great advice here from those who have been through this so I will just ditto what everyone else says. I see DS for 1.5-2 hours total a day. I am gone before he wakes up...home at 6pm. On daycare days he is exhausted and falling asleep at 7....somedays hes good and up til 8. It is totally about quality over quantity. When I am with him I am present and available. Not on the phone, not checking email etc. Also remember at such a young age they do not have a concept of time. So they dont know if you are gone 5 min or 5 hours...its all the same to them. You went back very early which is really touch in and of itself. Is there anyway to get some flexibility...work from home/work 4 days a week etc. Also when you have to travel, try and take a day off either before or after so you can have one full day to be with your LO. Good luck...I know its hard.

potbellypig · November 2014

I will echo the "quality not quatity" statement. Also, happy mom = happy child. If working makes you happy, embrace it. Totally normal to miss them though, I've been there. We co slept with DD so that I could have more cuddle time with her when I went back to work, but everyone has a different opinion on that one.

NLewis1 · November 2014

potbellypig said:
I will echo the "quality not quatity" statement. Also, happy mom = happy child. If working makes you happy, embrace it. Totally normal to miss them though, I've been there. We co slept with DD so that I could have more cuddle time with her when I went back to work, but everyone has a different opinion on that one.

I pull him in bed with me after his 2:30 feeding so we snuggle

it's my favorite time of day (I never thought I would say that waking up at 2:30 to nurse would be my favorite time lol)

engrgrl · November 2014

I agree with PPs, it's hard but totally normal. You're doing what's best for your family, so don't let the guilt drag you down!

NLewis1 · November 2014

CTGirl30 said:
Have not read other replies yet.

Listen, it's tough when you wish you had more time with your child(ren) but other responsibilities don't always allow that. In this case, try to think big picture and about how you are benefiting your family with your income, your stability, your retirement funding, your being a role model for your children in balancing family & work as they grow up.

My husband travels every week for work. He misses me and our kids while he is gone but his incomes provides so many more benefits than drawbacks. Yes, it is hard (especially for me, as the spouse who is the primary at home - and I work my own FT job!) The kids miss him BUT they also get 1:1 quality time with me during the week and we are into a great routine that works. They adore their teachers at school and I know they're having a blast there so it really helps me be at peace knowing they are in good hands during the day and then back into mine for the evenings / mornings / weekends.

I embrace the "it takes a village" philosophy. Our kids are loved and well-cared for and we value our weekend time and whatever time we have together as a family. Quality - not quantity.

Your son will love you no matter what. And he will be thankful to have a financially stable home.

You and I have a lot in common! My husband works 80 hour weeks most weeks and doesn't get to spend a lot of time with us, I'm the primary at home while also working full time. It's a miracle when I have to work and he's off, so most the time the kiddo is with a sitter or one of his grandma's (we are truly blessed to have both of our moms in town and they help us out a ton! Which makes it easier knowing he's getting to know grandparents).

Basically, I just want to be your friend @CTgirl30 because we have a lot in common!

NLewis1 · November 2014

Ha "threenager". Perfect.

Want a personalized experience?

working mom guilt

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

Re: working mom guilt

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

Choose Another Board

Search Boards