?When I was 18 I was a senior in highschool and pregnant. I went to a teen parent support group at my school. At one the the meetings a rep from an adoption agency came to talk to us. This lady tried to tell me that adoption would be best for my child and that I couldn't be as good of a parent as some other people could. She told me that it wouldn't be fair for me to keep my child because I was young, still in school, and didn't have a job. Being young, in school, and unemployed are temporary problems but adoption is a permanant solution. I get really upset when I hear people say that coersion by adoption agencies doesn't happen anymore.
??
I am a frequent visitor to this board but have never ever posted. My husband and I are considering adoption someday in the future.
I just have to say that you have some very warped views about some issues, and your ability to...perhaps see multiple viewpoints is slightly out of whack.
This is a prime example. Your viewpoint of this experience is that a lady from the an adoption agency came to try to?coerce??your baby from you.
Here's another viewpoint: She was trying to to sell you and the other young pregnant, unwed mothers on another option OTHER than abortion.
But you were young, 18 and could only hear one voice. Not the hidden meaning.
You seem like a person who may get the literal quite well, but the quiet subtext is lost on you. ?
if the woman who gives up her child for adoption at birth - is indeed a birthmother. she birthed the child. whatever happened to the title of "biological mother".
WHEN DID I EVER SAY I COULDN'T LOVE A CHILD THAT WASN'T GENETICLY RELATED TO ME ??? I have two step children. I am not geneticly related to them but I love them the same as I do the child that was born to me. If I couldn't have children I wouldn't adopt because I think the adoption system is very corrupt. This decision has nothing to do with love.
I am way late in responding, but I was just catching up. I wanted to say that I actually feel that both the op and subsequent posts HAVE been treated with respect and a genuine need to express each individual viewpoint. I read every post, even the 58 paragraphed ones and I really think that this is one of the times when there is absolutely no black and white, this is all a gray area.
As far as adoption being a cure for IF. There is no cure. I just rocked my nearly 6 month old IVF miracle baby to sleep, and I still feel that I suffer from IF. Our decision to continue to grow as a family through fostering and possibly adoption will not fix that either. THAT decision has everything to so with love, as I never knew my capacity to love, and now that I do, all I want to do is offer more of it. By stating that you would not adopt, that makes me sad, because there are so many children who are unable to be loved by the women that gave birth to them on a daily basis. By love, I mean staying up all night in a hot shower for croup, or endlessly reading the same book over and over, checking under the bed for monsters, cleaning skinned knees, correcting behavors that are unacceptable, making a child feel safe, teaching about responsiblity, playing with blocks and all the other things a Mom does. The biological Mom likely loves that child she allowed to be adopted in so many ways, but she is not able to do these things, so she found someone who could. That is all about love, on both sides.
And because my IF is not cured, I will also say that the OP is so blessed to be able to have children (however it happened) because for me, life without a child was not an option. But you will never understand that, as I will never understand being adopted. But I try to respect it.
That being said, as an adopted child (adopted at 1 month 4 days old), I cannot imagine calling someone I never met my True Parent or Real Parent as is outlined in the website a PP provided.
And I cannot imagine calling my the loving couple that adopted me Caregivers. Good grief.
Chiming in way late on this one - but wow, I have to agree with the quoted post... my twin sister and I were adopted at 6 weeks old, and I would NEVER discount my parents by calling them my "Caregivers" as if they were nannies or something... they were, and are, my parents - they parented me... I would never take that away... and calling a birth parent a "real parent"!? What a horrible insult to the wonderful parents who raised you!! As if birth alone can make a person a real parent... what a wildly inappropriate post for this board... Just reading poster's responses to other's replies makes me want to call my mom and dad and tell them how much I love them and how thankful I am every day for being in their lives...
I've always seen adoption as a win-win situation. There are babies that need homes, and people (like myself) who just so happen to have room. I think I can be pretty safe when I make the blanket statement that no one is under the dilusion that adoption cures IF. Adoption is simply a way to become a family.
I am sorry that someone tried to convince you that you would not be a good parent. Since none of us were there, we have to take your word on what took place. But believe me, I know that age/situation does not dictate whether or not you will be a good parent. My parents were married at 16 and 18 and had me at 17/19 and then my brother at 19/21. My parents were awesome; they had a rock solid relationship and both went on to have long, successful careers. I couldn't have asked for better parents. Reality is they were an exception, but there are plenty of people that fall into that category. Maturity and mental outlook are what matters. Do you have what it takes to be a parent, is the question. Obviously, you did.
As others have stated, I've no doubt that there are some agencies that still practice things such as coersion. But the majority of us do our very best to steer clear of those places. We can't stop those people; the only way we can fight them is to not give them our business.
Personally, my hubby and I plan to tell our child from the beginning that they are adopted. And when/if the child ever decides that they want to pursue a relationship with their birthmom, we plan to be supportive and assist them in any way we can. And even if it does make me feel insecure, or scared (which other people have told me it does), I will still do it because I know it's what is best for my child. I will be honest, though, there are things (like being called "first mom") that I would struggle with. But I'm honest about my struggles and I will do what I can to address them however I need to, in the best interest of my child. Just like you do with your own kids and the challenges that come up with them.
I am sorry that you have such a negative opinion of adoption. Truly, I know that it has it's downsides, but it also has it's good points. And just like you said, it finds homes for so many children that otherwise might be shuffled between foster homes or worse yet...just abandoned. It can always be improved upon, and that is what so many people around the world are constantly working towards all the time.
Just out of curiousity, do you know anyone that has had a positive experience with adoption? Your own experience has been negative, as has all your friends that you mentioned....do you know anyone who has a good relationship with their adoptive parents and birth parents and has a positive outlook on the system?
Re: Dear "birthmother" letter, please don't flame me.
I am a frequent visitor to this board but have never ever posted. My husband and I are considering adoption someday in the future.
I just have to say that you have some very warped views about some issues, and your ability to...perhaps see multiple viewpoints is slightly out of whack.
This is a prime example. Your viewpoint of this experience is that a lady from the an adoption agency came to try to?coerce??your baby from you.
Here's another viewpoint: She was trying to to sell you and the other young pregnant, unwed mothers on another option OTHER than abortion.
But you were young, 18 and could only hear one voice. Not the hidden meaning.
You seem like a person who may get the literal quite well, but the quiet subtext is lost on you. ?
that poster lost me too, I must admit. I didn't get her logic, but that happens a lot
What kind of school has adoption agencies come and visit? I would question the school on that...
this whole thread has given me a headache.
if the woman who gives up her child for adoption at birth - is indeed a birthmother. she birthed the child. whatever happened to the title of "biological mother".
I am way late in responding, but I was just catching up. I wanted to say that I actually feel that both the op and subsequent posts HAVE been treated with respect and a genuine need to express each individual viewpoint. I read every post, even the 58 paragraphed ones
and I really think that this is one of the times when there is absolutely no black and white, this is all a gray area.
As far as adoption being a cure for IF. There is no cure. I just rocked my nearly 6 month old IVF miracle baby to sleep, and I still feel that I suffer from IF. Our decision to continue to grow as a family through fostering and possibly adoption will not fix that either. THAT decision has everything to so with love, as I never knew my capacity to love, and now that I do, all I want to do is offer more of it. By stating that you would not adopt, that makes me sad, because there are so many children who are unable to be loved by the women that gave birth to them on a daily basis. By love, I mean staying up all night in a hot shower for croup, or endlessly reading the same book over and over, checking under the bed for monsters, cleaning skinned knees, correcting behavors that are unacceptable, making a child feel safe, teaching about responsiblity, playing with blocks and all the other things a Mom does. The biological Mom likely loves that child she allowed to be adopted in so many ways, but she is not able to do these things, so she found someone who could. That is all about love, on both sides.
And because my IF is not cured, I will also say that the OP is so blessed to be able to have children (however it happened) because for me, life without a child was not an option. But you will never understand that, as I will never understand being adopted. But I try to respect it.
Chiming in way late on this one - but wow, I have to agree with the quoted post... my twin sister and I were adopted at 6 weeks old, and I would NEVER discount my parents by calling them my "Caregivers" as if they were nannies or something... they were, and are, my parents - they parented me... I would never take that away... and calling a birth parent a "real parent"!? What a horrible insult to the wonderful parents who raised you!! As if birth alone can make a person a real parent... what a wildly inappropriate post for this board... Just reading poster's responses to other's replies makes me want to call my mom and dad and tell them how much I love them and how thankful I am every day for being in their lives...
Good grief is right...
Spirit of Power
Eat, Drink, and be Keri
I've always seen adoption as a win-win situation. There are babies that need homes, and people (like myself) who just so happen to have room.
I think I can be pretty safe when I make the blanket statement that no one is under the dilusion that adoption cures IF. Adoption is simply a way to become a family.
I am sorry that someone tried to convince you that you would not be a good parent. Since none of us were there, we have to take your word on what took place. But believe me, I know that age/situation does not dictate whether or not you will be a good parent. My parents were married at 16 and 18 and had me at 17/19 and then my brother at 19/21. My parents were awesome; they had a rock solid relationship and both went on to have long, successful careers. I couldn't have asked for better parents. Reality is they were an exception, but there are plenty of people that fall into that category. Maturity and mental outlook are what matters. Do you have what it takes to be a parent, is the question. Obviously, you did.
As others have stated, I've no doubt that there are some agencies that still practice things such as coersion. But the majority of us do our very best to steer clear of those places. We can't stop those people; the only way we can fight them is to not give them our business.
Personally, my hubby and I plan to tell our child from the beginning that they are adopted. And when/if the child ever decides that they want to pursue a relationship with their birthmom, we plan to be supportive and assist them in any way we can. And even if it does make me feel insecure, or scared (which other people have told me it does), I will still do it because I know it's what is best for my child. I will be honest, though, there are things (like being called "first mom") that I would struggle with. But I'm honest about my struggles and I will do what I can to address them however I need to, in the best interest of my child. Just like you do with your own kids and the challenges that come up with them.
I am sorry that you have such a negative opinion of adoption. Truly, I know that it has it's downsides, but it also has it's good points. And just like you said, it finds homes for so many children that otherwise might be shuffled between foster homes or worse yet...just abandoned. It can always be improved upon, and that is what so many people around the world are constantly working towards all the time.
Just out of curiousity, do you know anyone that has had a positive experience with adoption? Your own experience has been negative, as has all your friends that you mentioned....do you know anyone who has a good relationship with their adoptive parents and birth parents and has a positive outlook on the system?