MIL has already purchased ALL the Christmas gifts and informed me I don't need to buy any gifts

jpoindahouse · November 2014

I'm trying to be grateful and appreciative, but I'm kind of pissed and I'm not totally sure that I have a right to be. H just spoke with his mother who informed him that she has already purchased all of LO's gifts, that she bought him tons and tons of shit, and that we shouldn't buy him a lot of stuff. I really wanted to talk to the grandparents about limiting it--- in part because we are currently living in a temporary housing situation while we house hunt. Also, I really wanted to be able to be the one to shower my child with gifts. I wanted to kindly set some limits before she began shopping (she has a history of going overboard with this type of thing) but I didn't anticipate that she would have wrapped up her shopping this early. Do I just suck it up? Thoughts?

Codypup · November 2014

Dude. I would be annoyed too. Can your H speak to her? What's his take on this?

jpoindahouse · November 2014

BlueDot818 said:

That's really annoying... your H should say something

I mean, we can't ask her to return them, right? Maybe just ask her to limit it in the future?

I have SUCH a back story with this woman and I'm beginning to think she may have a personality disorder. Honestly, the fact that I stick around given the whole dynamic/situation with H and his family either makes me the most patient or the dumbest woman on the planet.

jpoindahouse · November 2014

Codypup said:

Dude. I would be annoyed too. Can your H speak to her? What's his take on this?

H always chickens out when it comes to his mother. ( The typical bullshit: "well, this is just how she is. She means well.") I'm going to have to prod him to talk to her, but honestly, I'm not sure what is appropriate given the situation. Do we ask her to return some gifts or do we just set a rule for future holidays?

Codypup · November 2014

jpoindahouse said:

Codypup said:

Dude. I would be annoyed too. Can your H speak to her? What's his take on this?

H always chickens out when it comes to his mother. ( The typical bullshit: "well, this is just how she is. She means well.") I'm going to have to prod him to talk to her, but honestly, I'm not sure what is appropriate given the situation. Do we ask her to return some gifts or do we just set a rule for future holidays?

I know this sentiment all too well. This same thing could very well happen to me this Christmas too!

If it were me, I'd probably talk to her and say "we were planning on talking to you guys about downsizing this year...now we're not really sure what to do about the fact that you bought so much." If she persists and gives it all to you anyway, keep the tags on everything and return the things you don't want.

RondackHiker · November 2014

I'd be furious. I like the other ideas of saying you have no space and she needs to pick the top three.

If she brings the stuff anyway, send it back with her or tell her "we told you only three things, we will need to donate or return the rest."

And do it.

jpoindahouse · November 2014

elf828 said:

I agree with @dnmolakides‌ - this is a great time to introduce MIL to LO's 529 plan. tu

trust me...these people are not the type who would contribute to an actual investment for LO, Just a bunch of showy gifts that upstage. LOL....the stories that I could tell you ladies ...but I know you chicas have better things to do.

Anyway, thanks so much for the advice ladies. H's family is so crazy and I always feel like I'm being gaslighted so I really appreciate the perspective

dadalou · November 2014

We have this same problem. We also have a very small house. MIL, FIL, and step MIL all buy too much stuff for DD. My FIL was the worst. He would find junk to give to DD every single time he saw her. I would tell him that we don't have space for it and leave it at their house. If they want to buy junk they can keep it at their house. They all also give her presents for every holiday. She got Halloween presents this year. Halloween presents is not a thing.

keags5496 · November 2014

I agree with what PP said. My in laws are over the top in ways too and DH has the same tone as your DH. I've gotten very good at advocating for myself and my family and I think the in-laws are starting to catch on.

I agree with saying space is an issue and that they can keep what you don't want at their house or return the rest. And then set clear guidelines for next time.

RondackHiker · November 2014

Yeah, this isn't about spoiling him or showing him love and so I doubt that the investment thing would work.

She told you, the PARENTS, not to buy for Christmas. She went shopping almost two months before the date so she'd have the control.

You'll need a plan. She'll make this dramatic. You want to try to break the habit before Ds remembers the gifts.

Try not to let her carry in extras from the car. Get DH to stand firm. "This is the way I am, DH. I want us to be able to buy for our own kid. Clutter would stress me out and make me sad. If she means well, she will understand that we don't have space and there are better ways to show love."

Codypup · November 2014

^ I'm trying to envision blocking my MIL as she's bringing in gifts from the car and I literally started giggling. I pictured some sort of football-stance routine, complete with a tackle. That would be a Christmas to remember.

It's all well and good in theory, but soooo much harder to put into practice. (Remember how my MIL would send gifts "from the dog" after we told her to stop?)

But I completely agree with rondack that it's a control thing. Have you flat out told her "Please stop buying things for LO?" We had to do that, and it worked for the most part. I have a MIL who loves to shop and seemingly can't help herself. The only thing that helped was to be completely 100% honest with her about the issue. And it still isn't completely better...to this day she will bring things that I hand right back to her to return.

So in this case, I vote for a serious heart-to-heart. Your H should be the one to have the conversation, but if he won't, I'd do it myself. There is nothing wrong with spelling it out -- "We are disappointed and frustrated that you went ahead and bought so many things for LO already. We don't have the room to store it, and we wanted to be the ones who bought the gifts. I understand that you meant well, but now we're in a sticky situation because we simply can't accept all the things you purchased."

You can also let her know you had been planning on telling every grandparent that "3 gifts" or whatever is the limit. Because she went ahead and shopped early, you're getting her that message late, but it still stands. If she brings it all...you've got another situation to handle (where a football tackle might come into play! lol). Maybe spend 1 hour opening gifts, and at the end of the hour, put everything else aside? Or after opening it all, set it aside to be returned, and be honest with MIL that that's what you're doing.

I'm sorry, OP. I know where you're coming from. But remember that you're allowed to set boundaries and if feelings get hurt in the process, oh well.

jpoindahouse · November 2014

RondackHiker I started shaking with anger when I read your post because I know you are so right- it really is about control. That's how she is. I let it ruin my wedding day (long story) and I refuse to let it ruin my memories of my first Christmas with LO. Just thinking about watching LO open present after present from her while I only have a handful of presents makes me shake all over. I'm that pissed. She does this shit and she does it in such a sneaky way. So now she can run to all of her girlfriends and cry "big bad DIL is making me return all of the gifts I so lovingly bought. Oh she is SO mean to me. I'm just trying to love my grandson."

She pulls this type of insidious shit all of the time. Her other DIL won't even have her around. I'm trying to be the bigger person and give her access to her grandchild for the holidays...but sometimes I'm too nice or naïve or just too much of a pushover for my own good.

jena5595 · November 2014

I agree with all that's been said! Even when if it is coming from a well-meaning place, still beyond frustrating! We have space issues too, and honestly I just don't believe on going way overboard gift wise. I keep trying to tell our families that 20 years from now LO will certainly not remember all of the random extra gifts he receives, but he WILL remember having $$ to go to college. But that's my issue...

As others have said, DH definitely needs to support you on this. Try to make it less about who (e.g. his mother) is doing it, and more about the issue. I know when I talk to DH about the holidays it can easily go to a place of family vs. family but when we approach it more from a place of what's important to each of you, and how do we make that happen, it's such an easier and more productive conversation.

Bottom line: I'm sure he doesn't want to be upstaged either and wants you to be happy for LO's 1st Christmas too, and hopefully he'll see that enough to go to bat for you with his mom. Hope this helps - I totally feel your pain!

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