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Parenting
All behaviors are a result of unmet needs
I'm at the annual RN convention for my job and a good proportion of the people we work with are developmentally disabled. My boss was doing a presentation and said the above statement in relation to this group. Her point was that instead of correcting the behavior and trying to change the person, you can try and find out what their need is and fix the cause of the problem.
This is such a simple concept and something that can really be applied to all children as well. 9 times out of 10 when my son is acting up, he is tired or hungry. Feed him dinner or get him some sleep and he is a different kid. Even though I know he gets this way, you would be amazed at how long it takes me sometimes to figure out to just give him a snack. I know it's not always easy to figure out what's causing a behavior, and sometimes you just need to set expectations for kids at home and in public settings, but many behavior issues could be solved if the source of the problem could be fixed.
I just wanted to share this because it's so simple yet so profound and something to consciously think about when kids are exhibiting behaviors.
This is such a simple concept and something that can really be applied to all children as well. 9 times out of 10 when my son is acting up, he is tired or hungry. Feed him dinner or get him some sleep and he is a different kid. Even though I know he gets this way, you would be amazed at how long it takes me sometimes to figure out to just give him a snack. I know it's not always easy to figure out what's causing a behavior, and sometimes you just need to set expectations for kids at home and in public settings, but many behavior issues could be solved if the source of the problem could be fixed.
I just wanted to share this because it's so simple yet so profound and something to consciously think about when kids are exhibiting behaviors.
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Re: All behaviors are a result of unmet needs
I also think when people are trying to figure out a child's behaviour, what is often overlooked is the importance children place on seemingly ( to adults) unimportant things. Yes it is a big deal (to them) if they have to sit in this chair, not that chair. Much like when we were in high school freaking out about something (now remembered as) silly and adults would say, this won't even matter when you are older. But it mattered then YKWIM?
That being said, we are not mind readers and typically we don't have time to try and figure out every reason our child may be acting like an a - hole and that's okay.
I think the word "need" may be conveying a slightly wrong message. When you are trying to fix a behavior, you first need to figure out what the person (of any age) is getting out of it. It's always one of 5 things, we use the acronym MEATS
M-Medical. Always eliminate a medical reason first
E-Escape from a situation they don't want to be in (You putting on their coat, eating dinner, etc.)
A-Attention
T-Tangible. Wanting something (a toy, to watch Mickey)
S-Sensory. Do they need to move, stretch, etc.
Once you figure out what their end game is, then you work on a more reasonable way for them to get there, or, convincing them that, too bad, it ain't happening.
Obviously, this is full-fledged behavior mod thinking, and more geared towards persistent, troubling behaviors. But, it is the way that people function, and keeping it in mind is helpful. It isn't a matter of unmet "needs". Like someone said, your kid doesn't NEED to watch his favorite show. But that is the function of his behavior, to get you to put his show on.
I love behavior therapy, don't mind me.
Eh, honestly guys, don't be hard on yourselves. Toddlers are little, selfish jerks. While I do find this theory to be true, it doesn't mean that in order to change behavior you have to overanalyze every thing they do to figure out what they want. Sometimes telling them no and to go sit in time out is the right thing to do.
*Says the mom who cried yesterday because she felt like the worst, most inept parent in the world because her 2 year old was getting the best of her.
I definitely did not want to suggest that parents are neglectful if they can't meet the need or do not give into their toddlers "need" for 10 lbs of chocolate. It's just a way of thinking about in the moment why kids might be doing what they are doing. Are they really just acting age appropriate and there is a simple solution? Or do they need to learn that it's not okay to act out if you don't get what you want when you want it. As they get older, can you compromise on the need (1 piece of candy now, candy after dinner etc).
It’s great you got to attend that convention! I think you raise some good points here!
teedaalee0712
I think the need in these cases is to have control over their own environment and be independent. I see that in dd a lot so when she is freaking out because she wants to wear shorts and it's snowing outside, I tell her she has to wear pants but can pick whatever pants she wants.
bfp#4 3/19/2014 edd 12/1/2014 please let this be the one!
beta @ 5w0d = 12,026! u/s 4/22/14 @ 8w1d it's twins!
I think there are a few separate things going on. There are times when kids are just kind of off, and clearly something is out of balance, and then it makes sense to go through the list (sick? teething? tired? hungry? thirsty?) to see if there is a problem that can be solved or at least helped in some way. There are also times when kids are pitching fits due to being kids and wanting things that they can't really have. In that case, recognizing their need does not change the end result, but may help you avoid some of the exasperation and frustration.
Then, of course, there are those times when the behavior is seemingly totally random and makes no sense of any kind despite your best efforts. That's the remaining 5%.