Advice?

Re: Advice?

• Helenahhandbasket member

  November 2014

  As a fellow Atheist, I can relate.

  My mom (also an Atheist) literally used to just tell us that you go in the ground and that's is.  Uplifting, huh?  I don't recommend that.

  I always forget that DD is so behind on her expressive language skills, because she isn't even close to asking/ understanding anything like this yet (she will be 3 in January).  If she hears a baby crying, she might tell me she hears it, but won't ask why.

  Anyway-- what if you just tell him that everyone is sad because _______ had a big boo boo.  I don't know if your H's extended family is religious, or if they will have a wake/ display the body-- but if you are not ready to expose your DS to that I would maybe just keep him away from the casket.

  Just keep in mind that whatever you say, the likelyhood of your DS remembering it (at this age) is pretty low, so I don't think that whatever you decide will be the wrong thing.

   

  BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12

  

   

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• Helenahhandbasket member

  November 2014

  Also, sorry for your loss

   

  BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12

  

   

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• [Deleted User] member

  November 2014

  Helenahhandbasket said:

  As a fellow Atheist, I can relate.

  My mom (also an Atheist) literally used to just tell us that you go in the ground and that's is.  Uplifting, huh?  I don't recommend that.

  I always forget that DD is so behind on her expressive language skills, because she isn't even close to asking/ understanding anything like this yet (she will be 3 in January).  If she hears a baby crying, she might tell me she hears it, but won't ask why.

  Anyway-- what if you just tell him that everyone is sad because _______ had a big boo boo.  I don't know if your H's extended family is religious, or if they will have a wake/ display the body-- but if you are not ready to expose your DS to that I would maybe just keep him away from the casket.

  Just keep in mind that whatever you say, the likelyhood of your DS remembering it (at this age) is pretty low, so I don't think that whatever you decide will be the wrong thing.

  DH's family is Catholic.. I'm actually not sure if the cousin's husband's family is though. I will definitely want to keep him away from an open casket...
  I don't know, DS's memory seems pretty darn good lately.. mostly related to TV characters though, haha!
  

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• Helenahhandbasket member

  November 2014

  I hear ya, I think I would probably keep DD away from an open casket as well, at least until she's a little older and will be able to understand a simple explanation of death.

  I think as far as long term memory goes though, you will be good-- meaning that I don't think that if you say the "wrong" thing you will scar him.  I can only speak for myself, but my very earliest memory is maybe from age 4/5?  And it's not anything traumatic.

  Good luck negotiating!

   

  BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12

  

   

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• Ago member

  November 2014

  lildis said:

  I'm sorry for your loss. Personally, I wouldn't bring him. He's not going to really understand it and it could potentially really upset him. I'm all for answering questions as they arise, but this seems a little too "in your face" (literally & figuratively) for this age regardless of beliefs.

  I kind of want to say the same as @lildis. My daughter is 4.5 and up until recently, she was obsessed with death for about a year. We don't know how it started, because she still hasn't been to a funeral, though I might be comfortable taking her at this point. My uncle recently passed away from cancer, so we did talk to her a bit about that. We've told her that people die when they are really old or very, very sick.  It seems her obsession was a bit anxiety provoked, so we kept it very simple and didn't want to include accidents as well until recently because I didn't want to add to it. Also, though we are somewhat religious, and we added a bit of that in, I didn't want to go into detail about that. Ultimately, you know best for your child.
  

  

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• skategirl128 member

  November 2014

  My DS lost his father when he was just over 3. We did have an open casket and I was beside myself with what to do. It was really hard when I was grieving so badly (and in shock). The funeral director was actually a good resource. My son wasn't the only child who attended (I have 2 nephews and all three boys are around the same age).
  
  In our case I had to allow my DS closure. I was very matter of fact with him and that's his attitude towards death now. He asks questions and I havent hesitated to being him to other viewings or services. These have actually been much easier as they've been for those aren't close to. If I had had a choice I would have started with someone relatively unknown to help him the first time, but I didn't have that option . It wasn't fun and I wish he didn't need to have this experience so young, but it has helped him deal with death as he's gotten older. Big hugs- I'm so sorry for your loss.

  

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• [Deleted User] member

  November 2014

  Thanks for the advice and condolences, everyone. We are going to bring him and just tell him we're going to see family. We'll scope out the scene when we get there and decide what to do. I do think he's too young to really start explaining death in any way.
  DS definitely won't be the only kid there. DH's grandma's funeral last year was in a huge church and they had a little area off to the side in the back where a bunch of the kids were corralled. We could do something like that or just hang out outside if it's too much. It's not someone we were close with so we mostly want to pay respects to DH's family. It is very sad. They were only married for a few years but had 2 little girls together, and he leaves behind an older son, maybe 8 yrs old? So we want to offer support to DH's cousin. There should be a lunch or something afterwards so we can visit with family more then.
  It's an almost 2-hr car ride, ugh. Wish us luck! Thanks again.
  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  November 2014

  skategirl128 said:

  My DS lost his father when he was just over 3. We did have an open casket and I was beside myself with what to do. It was really hard when I was grieving so badly (and in shock). The funeral director was actually a good resource. My son wasn't the only child who attended (I have 2 nephews and all three boys are around the same age). In our case I had to allow my DS closure. I was very matter of fact with him and that's his attitude towards death now. He asks questions and I havent hesitated to being him to other viewings or services. These have actually been much easier as they've been for those aren't close to. If I had had a choice I would have started with someone relatively unknown to help him the first time, but I didn't have that option . It wasn't fun and I wish he didn't need to have this experience so young, but it has helped him deal with death as he's gotten older. Big hugs- I'm so sorry for your loss.

  @skategirl128 I am so sorry for your loss. That must have been so hard with such a young son. Thanks for sharing your experience.
  

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