Supporting parents in old age

litzo27 · November 2014

Do you think you will have to support your parents as they get older? What about your in-laws? Will they ever live with you?

This is on my mind lately because my parents are getting divorced and the formerly clear financial position is now all jumbled. I do think that both of them, will for the most part be fine. They still have 6-10 years till retirement and have good jobs (although no job security in their field). But they used to have a paid out house and now I'm not sure what will happen (two condos are more in price than the big house they will be selling). DH's parents are ten years older than mine but are still working. They don't have a big cushion of savings at all and don't have a paid out house. I anticipate we may have to help them out (they talked about retiring in ten years and buying a small house somewhere down south where housing is cheap). I think it's a distinct possibility that at least one of our parents at some point in the future will live with us. But that depends on many factors. All of this makes my head hurt a bit to think through.

*sparky* · November 2014

If any of them were in dire straits we would try to help them out. I really hope that none of our parents live with us ever, unless DH and I become wealthy enough to afford a compound with a guest house.

My IL's seem to be in a pretty tight financial situation so this has crossed my mind more than once, but there is no way I could let them live with us. My dad is self sufficient.

shakinros · November 2014

Ugh I definitely worry about this. My parents are set, I think. Still working, well off, good savers & planners. And they're closer to my brother so it seems obvious to me that he's the one they'd choose to live with. I do have the only kid at present though so maybe it's be us. Regardless my parents are probably taking care of plans themselves.

DH's dad and step mom are ok but not savers with blue collar jobs and still supporting his 23yo sister. They live a couple hours away from us and have lots of family near them, so again, I think they'd choose to live with someone else.

DH's mom is my real fear. I suspect she has LOTS of money but she's also a big spender. She uprooted her life to wait hand-and-foot on her own dying mother and then later her aunt, and she has told DH before that she expects the same from him when it's her turn to go. No freakin way lady. She's lucky DH even speaks to her considering what a terrible childhood he had, but guilt is such a big factor in their relationship that I honestly don't know what he's going to feel he should do.

She's now in a years-long relationship with a man who's about 10 years younger than her. He's wonderful and we love this guy. If he's still around when the time comes, I hope he takes the lead on caring for her.

nattyncbride · November 2014

I'm sorry to hear about your parents divorcing, OP.

My parents are in their early 70s, but financially sound and in good health. However, as they get older, I wonder how I will physically take care of them when they can't take care of themselves. They live in NC, and I don't see them wanting to move in with me or into a home in IN, where I live. So I worry how we will handle it all. My parents came to the US in their late teens, so they didn't take care of their parents (in China) as they got older beyond sending money to their siblings to help.

SO's parent are in their late 70s, and in declining health. They don't have much money left, and my SO helps them out. However, they have a life (friends/some family) in their hometown (DC area) so I don't see them wanting to move to IN either. I suspect something will need to happen in the next 5 years or so. My SO's parents lived with some of their parents as they got older, and from all I have heard, it was a miserable experience. They act like they won't burden him (or us if we get married, we are just dating right now) with taking care of them, but someone has to, right?

All that is to say: we have different situations but I'm thinking about the next phase as well. I think it would be hard to live with my parents or SO's parents. However, I'd feel an obligation to do it if it was in the best interest of the parents.

DiveFrog · November 2014

My parents should be financially fine. They own one house out right and have a second home they are paying down. They were semi-retired for around 10yrs and are now fully retired, but provide full-time childcare for our DD so they are very busy

We already help them quite a bit with maintaining their houses, and just doing small projects or running errands that require a bit of muscle. We will do our best to keep them in their home together for as long as possible. It helps that we live very close by, and that they will be able to afford help. That said I could see after one of them passes, or if one ends up in a facility due to the level of care required then the other might live with us. They both lived with us the first year of DD's life until they found a home in the area to purchase.

DH's parents are in a more precarious financial position. FIL still works part time at 73, and MIL is still working although she is only 60. They don't own their home out right yet, but are talking about downsizing to a condo once MIL retires in a few years. I can easily see them, or at the very least MIL needing some help in the future. However, in terms of living arrangements she would most likely live will SIL&BIL just because their kids are older and would most likely be out of the house by the time they would need that kind of support. Also, BIL is estranged from his family so MIL&FIL are the only parents SIL&BIL need to consider helping.

**ETA - One of the most valuable things I believe my parents have done is handling the paperwork and getting everything organized and making decisions now. They have created a financial trust, wills, medical directives. They have selected an executor and have clearly communicated all of this information. When things do start to decline for them we will be spared having having to go through the legal system to be empowered to act on their wishes and take care of them.

I don't believe that my IL's have done the necessary things on the medical or financial side of things. Like medial directives/living will, putting assets into a trust or outlining an executor of their estate should they be unable to manage that yet still be alive. They do have wills and have planned for their passing, but not so much for the possibilities of years directly preceding their deaths.

sugarbear0524 · November 2014

My parents are doing well. They are in their early 70s with no debt and have been good savers all their lives. My dad has cancer but it is managed for now. My only concern is that he can't get long term care insurance and his medical bills are high. My mom has a long term care policy, and I'm very thankful for that.

My in-laws are a bit of a different story. They have a mortgage (they just moved into this house about 5 years ago so they will have it for some time) and, I think, a car payment. My FIL still works (at age 74) but the company he works for is going under. I don't know what they will do without that income, and my FIL getting another job at his age seems unlikely. Neither have long term care insurance. Yikes. This is one time that having 4 adult nieces/nephews in town is great...more people to help.

I think about this for my future too. DS is an only child . DH was 43 when DS was born and I was 40. DH and I will be in our 80s when DS is our age. I want to have everything set up so he doesn't have to worry about the cost of caring for us while he's raising his own family, pursuing his career, or whatever he wants to do.

Leap08 · November 2014

Both of our fathers have passed away, so it's only our mothers that we have to worry about. I think my mom will be financially secure in her retirement (she's still working now). She's a planner and I know she's thought things out. If she ever becomes unable to live on her own (due to physical reasons), I would consider having her live with us. My MIL is another story entirely. Her finances are a mess. We've already had to bail her out more than once. I can really see a time in the near future where we may have to help her on a regular basis to keep a roof over her head. My husband is one of five kids, but we are really the only ones that would be able to help financially. I hate that everyone in his family just kind of expects him to take care of it. I do not think I could handle having her live with us. I think it would drive me crazy. So I don't know what exactly we'll do.

sugarbear0524 · November 2014

@K3am--Yep, it sure didn't wait for me. I've had 2 mild strokes and open heart surgery. One more heart surgery to go in the future. I'm just hoping that I will qualify a long term care policy.

Heavensent72 · November 2014

If my parents needed to live with me then I would let them, but they probably won't. They both have a really good pension and 401K so I think that will be fine. And there is 3 of us and we are close and we will pull together and make something work. Because a home is not an option for my parents. As far as my fiance's parents there is 4 of them and they can figure that out themselves! LOL! But hopefully that is not for some time!

emberlee3 · November 2014

My ILs are in good shape financially. My parents are doing ok. They have been through a lot taking care of their parents. My mother's parents are still living, but basically destitute and dependent on continuous financial support from their children. My grandfather has a gambling addiction, and he racked up huge debts without anyone knowing. It's been very difficult for my mom and her siblings to deal with.

ccam · November 2014

I'm hoping we have a long time to think about this, but my parents are struggling with caring for my Dad's Mom and both of my Mom's parents so the situation definitely hits home. As the oldest child, I would think that, if they needed, my parents would live with us. But they both have great jobs, retirement and are fairly young, so I don't think we'll need to worry about them for a while.

My ILs, on the other hand, are older and have not been smart about saving. My FIL is self employed and DH works for him now. Eventually it all will be DH's and he feels obligated to keep paying my FIL so we will be helping to support them. I don't think they would ever live with us though - I don't think we could take them on!! We always joke that I get my parents and my SIL gets my ILs.

mlee116 · November 2014

OP, I'm sorry to hear about your parents.

I think about this a lot too and our parents are still pretty young (all under 60). The only parent I really worry about is MIL. She has a lot of mental health issues and although she and FIL are still married, I worry about their future together. They've had a strained relationship for a very long time and it wouldn't surprise me if FIL filed for divorce. She can't work, has no retirement and can't live by herself. I hate to say this, but I don't know if I could handle her living with us. Her mental issues are difficult to deal with and over time, she'd probably need more care & attention than we could give her. We would be willing do whatever our budget allows to help care for her, but we'll see when the time comes I guess.

My parents are still working and plan to continue for awhile. They seem to be pretty sound financially. They have almost paid of their home and have a good bit of investment land that is paid for. They are also really good savers and don't have a lot of debt.

@sugarbear0524 raised a good point. DH and I are still young (late 20's), but we've made it point to save, build our retirements and not have a lot debt. Hopefully we have awhile before we have to think about these things for ourselves, but when the time comes, I want to be prepared.

kmh2201 · November 2014

My parents are retired, but planned for retirement and don't live extravagantly, so I think they will have enough money for the duration of their retirement. However, both their sets of parents live a long time (my maternal grandparents lived until 91 and 92, and my paternal grandma lived until 87 (she probably would've lived longer, but had cancer) and my paternal grandpa is still alive at 92). What worries me is that my mom will want to live at home until she dies, and not move into a retirement community that would provide some assistance with cleaning, etc. They are generous with us, so I would be fine helping them out. I would expect my sister to also help out, though.

I don't know what will happen with MIL. She lives with her dad (H's grandpa) and step mother right now because she can't afford to live on her own. She's made bad decisions in the past (financially and otherwise), which is why she's in the situation she's in. I'm not inclined to help her out. H tried to help her out when he was working full time and finishing up college (this was not too long before we met), and she took advantage of the situation. She's on social security disability now because she supposedly can't work.

H barely ever talks to his dad, he's not really a concern.

jlaOK · November 2014

My parents have planned well for retirement and I don't anticipate having to help them out at all.

My IL's are a different story. They've only been married for 10 years (DH's mother and step-father) and haven't had much time to plan together for their retirement. Although they aren't the most fiscally responsible DH's mom is of the personality type to always fend for herself.

It wouldn't be my first choice to have either of our parents living with us and would work hard to find other arrangements.

traveltheworld · November 2014

I don’t worry about my ILs since they were both professionals and saved a lot for retirement. My parents are a different story. We were working class growing up and although my parents worked very hard, there just wasn’t much left over. My parents also had to retire early since my Dad couldn’t physically do his job anymore (construction) and my Mom didn’t have a good enough skill set to keep being employed. Their main asset is their house (which is worth quite a lot), but they are reluctant to sell that. So right now I pay all of their living expenses and foresee doing that in the future as well. I did tell them that if something drastically happened to my job and I can no longer afford to help out they’d have to sell their house and realize on that equity. I don’t foresee them living with us though - once they get too old to live independently, they’d just have to sell their house and it the money from that should afford them a nice retirement home.

chloebeth930 · November 2014

My mom is widowed and I am the only child (my sister passed in the same accident that took my father).

My husband and I currently support my mom now. She has zero retirement, savings, and was working in a physically demanding job that she can no longer handle. We all agreeded that instead of her scraping by at a barely above minimum wage job that we would just pay her to watch our DD. She lived with us for a year, but that just got to be way too much. She now has her own apartment and works part time on the weekends as a waitress in order to have some spending money. My DH and I have spoke about this, but in the future when it is no longer safe for her to live on her own, we will have her move into some sort of guest house on our property.

DH has a younger sister. I told him that since no one else can be responsible for my mom, then his sister needs to take care of their parents haha.

VOR · November 2014

I think both sets of parents are well enough financially that we won't need to support them in that regard.

As far as living with us - God, I hope not. I could possibly handle my parents. My ILs? No. They would drive me insane.

shannm · November 2014

This weighs heavily on my mind these days and the high probability that I will be the major financial support and health advocate for both of my folks is driving our decisions around career options and relocation.
It is one of the main reasons I continue to work, I would feel so guilty if DH was to put his income toward taking care of my parents because they made poor choices in their lives.
They have poor health, no savings, no plan. Will have limited health coverage. (Insert heavy sigh here.). It frustrates me but there is nothing that they can do now to change the circumstances so I try really hard not to show my frustration. My dad has anxiety so I don't need to give him a reason to feel worse. (Insert another heavy sigh.)

alli2672 · November 2014

My parents are great financially. And I will be there to help them out in any way they need it throughout their old age. They have been so wonderful to me and my family.

My MIL on the other hand has stolen from DH, been rude and mean to me at every turn, and made a lot of terrible financial decisions. We probably will help her out financially when she needs it (and have in the past), but I can't imagine having her live with us.

mae0111 · November 2014

We have already discussed my ILs with DH's brother. The assumption (by me, DH, and my BIL/SIL) was that ILs would move in with BIL/SIL if the need ever arose, and we would support in any way possible (extended visits with us, writing checks, visiting them, etc.) ILs are more comfortable with them. Now BIL/SIL have moved back to their town, and we remain 5 hours away, so the plan has solidified. ILs are both retired and fine financially, but they both have some health issues, and there is an eye toward keeping them out of a facility.

My parents should be fine. My dad was very diligent about retirement savings, but it took my mom a while to get on board. My dad (67) retired recently, but continues to consult. Mom (66) is still working full time. They are in excellent health. But every one of my dad's 5 siblings had or is currently experiencing dementia (two have passed away), so that is a big concern.

One of the reasons that we bought our house was because there was enough space for a set of parents to move in easily. I think both sets of parents would fight us tooth and nail, but we are set up for it (with some minor modifications) if we ever needed to do it.

rubber_chicken · November 2014

My ILs are in their late 50s and still working. They work physically demanding jobs, so I could see them retiring earlier rather than later. However, they're planning to retire back to their home country. I could see them staying with my husband's sister for months out of the year. I could also see my husband sending them nominal amounts of money here or there (he already does this for friends/family "back home"). But in general, we will not be responsible for their day-to-day welfare.

My parents are another story. My mom is 63 and works as a housekeeper, but is rapidly aging out of that profession. She has multiple health problems, including a blood disorder and emphysema, and seems resigned to dying (my sister has a theory that she's scared to outlive my dad and is actively trying to go, but her parents lived until their 80s). My dad is 73 and has his own health problems and is still working full time - mainly for the health insurance to cover my mom, but also for the money. Their house isn't paid off and he won't be straight with me about their debts or retirement situation. It's very frustrating. My Dad's plan has always been to retire back to the home country, but my Mom has no interest in going. If she passes first, I could see him moving back, assuming his brothers have room for him on the family farm.

For now, my parents are ok - a couple of my brothers live at home while they're getting their careers started, so they have people around for help (although my brothers are also wrapped up in their own lives/girlfriends so the quality of that help might be "meh"). If my Dad were to pass first, I'm not sure what would happen with my mom. I don't think she could be on her own, or in assisted living. I could see her living with me or my sister, but it means leaving her state. Also, that would only work if we had an inlaw apt. Space is necessary in my family

Mustardseed2007 · November 2014

I don't want to live with any relatives either but I could see that happening. My parents are really a big financial mess, but despite this fact they do have some assets. Their health really isn't all that great either. I have a feeling that sometime in the near future they will sell their house and purchase a more modest one and that this time frame will be sped up if something happens to one or the other of them.

DH's parents are actually younger than mine even though he's older than me. They don't have a lot of assets but they are both still working and have a paid for house and paid for additional property and retirement savings. They had to support my MIL's mom and so they have planned for their own future as a result of that.

litzo27 · November 2014

Thanks for sharing everyone. Lots to think about on the topic

VitaLuna · November 2014

I think both our parents will be fine, but I do plan to look into LTC insurance options when the time gets closer. I'm mostly worried about my dad. He makes very good money, but most of it goes to his wife. He's a diabetic and I don't know how much he's saved for his own future care.

ILs live across the country from us. We've already told them that when they can't live independently anymore, we're moving them out here (to live closer, NOT with us). I will be responsible for managing their care when they can't. Luckily, SIL makes very good money, so any financial burden that comes up will be split better, whereas anything that comes up with my parents will be on me since my brother has unsteady finances.

Ago · November 2014

My parents are in very good financial shape, own their home, and have a nice retirement saved. They both still work (dad may retire in the next 6 years), and they recently got LTC insurance. They asked me about getting it, because dad's plan is to stay in his home until he dies, but I told him to think about when he can't take care of himself anymore and needs toileting and stuff. That made him realize that a nursing facility might have to be in his future. We talked a lot about power of attorney and I think though I live 2.5 hours away, I told him that I will hire them the help they need (with their money) to stay home as long as possible. I will refuse to let them act destitute because they want to save all the money for me and my sister. If dad goes first, I think it would be nice for mom to move closer and maybe in with us, but it depends on the needs at that time and we'll just see when we get there. My sister lives much closer to them, so I think she will help as well.

I'm not really sure about my in-laws. I don't know what their financial situation is like, but their house is a bit ramshackle and who knows if they have retirement (self-employed most of their lives). I don't think they'd want to move in with us because FIL is very stubborn, and I would probably prefer it that way. I don't think that stuff is even on their radar, to be honest.

I do worry about DH's older sister. She is lower functioning, just a bit. She is married with no kids and horrible finances. On top of that, her husband doesn't work while she works two or three jobs. God only knows what would happen if she couldn't work anymore. I'm guessing Medicaid would play a big part in her future. She and her husband already live with another guy, I'm not sure what that situation is all about, but DH's grandpa calls him their "sugar daddy." Yeahhhh.

billybumbler · November 2014

My parents are fine, they own a house and an apartment and have money saved for retirement. I worry a lot about my ILs though. They are divorced and have no money saved. My FIL was unemployed for a long time so has a lot of debt. I would be fine with MIL living with us because she's great, but my FIL will never live with us as we have a terrible relationship. ETA words and punctuation

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