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Is it worth it to try to make peace?

alb2411alb2411 member
in Blended Families
As a step-parent, have you ever reached out to the other bio-parent to try to make some peace in all relationships/help them get to know and understand you better? If so, how did that work out for you?

Or, as a bio-parent, has a step-parent or significant other ever reached out to you in this manner, and how did you receive it if they did?
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Re: Is it worth it to try to make peace?

  • cole2144cole2144 member
    My husband has tried to get all BM to sit down with us and her husband but she has always refused. I have been in SD`s life since she was 16 months old, and now she is 7. It is not my job to reach out to her myself, I have always let DH handle it. Recently BM hit me when I tried to pickup SD from school on our day so that ship has sailed, I have no desire to interact with a crazy person.
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  • dmndsr4evadmndsr4eva member
    cole2144 said:
    My husband has tried to get all BM to sit down with us and her husband but she has always refused. I have been in SD`s life since she was 16 months old, and now she is 7. It is not my job to reach out to her myself, I have always let DH handle it. Recently BM hit me when I tried to pickup SD from school on our day so that ship has sailed, I have no desire to interact with a crazy person.
    What?!  I missed that one!  What happened? 
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  • dmndsr4evadmndsr4eva member

    In my personal experience the Ex tends to be bitter if you were the first one to date their ex after their split. 

    My ex immediately started dating his coworker which led me to believe they had an affair or basically he finally left me to be with her.  I did not like her.  However I have nothing against his new GF.  She seems nice enough and the best part is she is very busy with her own kids so she does not try to interfere in our child support or visitation schedule like his other GF did. 

    Had my ex stayed with that GF it would have been so hard.  We did NOT get along at all and there was no way I was ever going to be nice or even really civil to her.  She was obviously crazy and did herself in.  They eventually broke up I think primarily because he kids also disliked her.

    I would say there is really no need for you to reach out to her.  I think just try to be civil/friendly when you do see her and hopefully things can build from there.  If she doesn't like you I don't really think there is much you can say to changer her mind.  Just show her with your actions that you are making an effort.

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  • cole2144cole2144 member
    Long story short, I went to pick SD up on our day, BM picked her up. I saw her with SD, told her it was our day, she cursed at me, and when I told her don`t, she hit me in front of SD and my DS.
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  • acbarbouracbarbour member

    When with BD I reached out to his DD's mom just so that she would have a face to the name and my contact info in case of emergency.  Our first meeting seemed to go well but she never did like me and things were never really civil for a lot of reasons.  Our children have only met twice. 

    I have met all of BD's GF and they each seem nice and I am friendly with his new GF during pickups.  If he were to get married I would expect to at some point sit down and talk with all parties.  I would not expect to be contacted by the SM but I would be open to it. 

    You said that you would be trying to make peace.  I am not sure what peace needs to be made but you might not be the person for that job.  Especially if there is a lot of drama.  I would ask her if she would like to meet over coffee or lunch in an email or text and see if she is willing.  I would advice not trying to solve any problems but just focus on relationship building. 

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  • Mkherren12Mkherren12 member
    My ex's wife is no one I want to know. I was civil when ex was seeing dd but his wife stopped that about a year ago. This is part of the reason I despise her. Who takes a dad away from his daughter?!?! Not that it isn't his fault too. Who allows someone to say you can't see your daughter?!?!
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  • WLJ2WLJ2 member
    BD and his gf started dating about a month after we separated. Because his gf and I were friends and I'm the one to ultimately introduced the two I have never wanted to reach out. Maybe I would feel differently if they had been upfront about it instead of hiding it for several months.

    Roughly a year after they've been dating BD tells me if I would like to talk to him regarding DS I need to text his gf. This pushed me further from wanting to reach out.

    Another reason we will probably never be civil is because after stepping into the front walk way of BE house to pick up DS I received a text from BD gf telling me I am not welcome in their home and I can stay by my car when I come to pick up DS.

    I wish we could all be civil and or even friends. It would make things so much easier. I guess every situation is different though.
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  • PamelacakePamelacake member
    acbarbour

    You said that you would be trying to make peace.  I am not sure what peace needs to be made but you might not be the person for that job.  Especially if there is a lot of drama.  I would ask her if she would like to meet over coffee or lunch in an email or text and see if she is willing.  I would advice not trying to solve any problems but just focus on relationship building. 

    This and the situation with circumstances would play a big factor in things for me. I did try to reach out to BM when she still had EOWE. It wasn't about us (the adults) it was about SD's. I made copies of report cards, honor roll and other awards from school and let BM know when her parenting time was and extended parenting time.. which she never came for.  BM acted like she didn't want anything to do with the school things bc they came from me (I gave them to SD's to give to her) so I stopped doing it. Then she acted like I owed these things to her. In BM's mind, I have nothing to do with SD's unless she wants something directly from me bc she knows that SD's respect me.

    IDK what your situation is like but I understand where you are coming from with your question. It didn't work out for us though.

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  • alb2411alb2411 member
    Thanks, guys, I appreciate your perspectives. I guess my issue is that she has never once spoken to me or given me any type of chance in four years; even when DH attempted to introduce us she was mute. But it is very obvious she doesn't think highly of me from the way she acts and blatant lies she told in court. Now that we have primary custody, I was toying around with the idea of writing a letter or something to finally get the chance to introduce my real self to her in hopes of putting the awkwardness aside. Because while I don't care for her, I love her son enough to do anything that would make things easier on him. But you are all correct, in that it's probably a lost cause...I'll just be keeping my game face on and killing with kindness as I've been doing. 
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