NBR: If you have a moment...

TJ1979 · November 2014

I could use some peaceful vibes sent my way. I try not to do this ever. And especially since it isn't board related.

But... MH received a job offer to move us out of state. This is such a huge decision, and it's really weighing on me. Like, making me physically sick to my stomach even thinking about it.

Pros: It's a good opportunity for MH, with a huge salary bump. It would be a slower pace of life, less traffic, a quieter, safer place to raise the girls. I would be closer to my family.
Cons: I would have to leave my career and the place I have worked for the last 10 years, and that I really do love. This is our home, I've never lived out of this state. My friends are here. I don't make friends easily, and really have some great friends here. Much further from MH's family.

I know no one can tell me what is the right decision (though I wish someone would!) But if you have made a move like this (@kaf7) how did it go? Are you happy? Do you miss "home"? Any tips? If you haven't made a move like this, can you spare me some good vibes?

Thanks in advance.

mcgeeva · November 2014

Such a tough decision! But still great that he has the opportunity so of course you want to have options and hope he gets the job. I have no experience but I still want to offer some advice since my husband always brings up moving. His company is up and down the east coast so he can go anywhere but I am the one who keeps us here. Two questions for you and maybe this isn't part of the decision. Do you want to be a stay at home mom and is that an option when you move? I only will move if DH will make enough for that to be an option, the schools are good for the kids, and I can then have the opportunity to start a business no the side. If I had to work when we moved I would look before the decision to make sure jobs in my field are even available. If I had no option to be home are start a business, or work in the same career I just couldn't do it. Of course with good schools being a must. There has to be a win win for everyone. I don't live near family or have help now so that wouldn't change anything for me. Would your company let you work remotely?

TJ1979 · November 2014

There would be a possibility of me staying at home, but I don't know if that would work best for our family. There are also possibilities available for me to work there, but it would be different than what I am doing now. And there are some really good schools for the kids.

ETA: Thanks, these are definitely good points to consider. I'm working on a pro/con list.

Robeano · November 2014

No advice but lots of good vibes being sent your way.

Try a pros and cons list, that is something I do when I have a tough decision.

jesselayne8 · November 2014

I have moved 3x for my husband's career. Each time to a new state. Unfortunately this last move was further from family. I think if you are moving closer to family that is a huge plus. Also school districts are a big factor. We are now in one of the best school districts in the country and we are happy to be able to send our kids to public schools. Even cooler is the fact we will be able to walk to and from school.
Finding new friends is still difficult especially since I SAH but I have been able to meet new people through my kids' activities. Good luck with your decision. Moving is stressful. Whether it's down the street or across the country.

mdiblasi10 · November 2014

That is definitely a big decision and one you want to make for all to be happy with. I haven't done a big move before. The slower pace, safer area and being closer to my family would be HUGE positives for me. But that's me

It's good that there are job opportunities for you there, if you want to continue to work. How does YH feel about it? The pro/con list is a great idea. I would also continue to discuss it with others and someone will think of something you might not. Good luck with your decision!!!

mcgeeva · November 2014

Blah that is tough. So is it possibly down here???

TJ1979 · November 2014

Sorry @mcgeeva. It's somewhere with little to no redeeming value. Nowhere fun at all. Add THAT to the con list!

@mdiblasi10 Currently MH is all about this idea! He moved a ton growing up, so it isn't a huge shock to him. He gets very distracted by bright, shiny, new, exciting things. Whereas I hate change and run from all things scary.

mcgeeva · November 2014

Boo that makes it tougher.

itsmevkb · November 2014

First, congrats to your husband on the offer and second, I'm sorry it's such a hard decision. My husband I have a similar issue in that he is looking all over the country for a tenure track teaching position while I am happy as a clam where we are. I do not want to leave my career, I don't want to have to start over somewhere else, my family is here, I grew up here, etc. I am also the primary breadwinner and even though a tenure job would mean more money for my husband, I think I'd still be making more which would make it hard on us financially to have me quit. It's really the biggest issue we have in our marriage - well, the biggest issue we will have if he's ever offered an out of state job.

I do have a close friend who quit her job and moved with her husband while he did post-doc work. They ended up in Nashville and after a little while she got a good job that she enjoys and they made friends. Then, when his post-doc ended, he wanted to move again and she refused so he found a job there and they've stayed. From what I can tell, there isn't any resentment over either move.

Good luck with your decision.

TJ1979 · November 2014

@itsmevkb The resentment issue is something I'm really worried about. He has given me veto power. But if I say no, will he secretly resent me? If I say yes, then hate it, will I resent him? If we go, and he hates it and I love it, will he resent me? So much to worry about!

JBDamonM · November 2014

I have no advice. I really don't know what I would do if I was in this situation so I admit I am zero help. BUT I'm sending you good thoughts that somehow it all works out the way it should. Good luck - HUGS!

itsmevkb · November 2014

TJ1979 said:

@itsmevkb The resentment issue is something I'm really worried about. He has given me veto power. But if I say no, will he secretly resent me? If I say yes, then hate it, will I resent him? If we go, and he hates it and I love it, will he resent me? So much to worry about!

Yea, I really struggle with this. My husband sees getting a tenure track job as his "dream job" and something he spent an awful lot of time in grad school to get. In my mind, he puts that above my career despite that being exactly what made it possible for him to go to grad school. I know that if I gave up my career and had to start over that I'd resent him but I also know if he gets offered something really great and turns it down, that he'd resent me. It's such a no-win situation.

I think if we could move and I could not work I might feel better about it. I do love my work, but I'd be better with moving knowing there was no pressure for me to find another high-paying job and I could take my sweet time with it.

You're a family so I always think it's best to think about what's best for him, for you and then for you both along with your children. It can't just be one person's decision. I think if you decide to move, you need to be all-in with a VERY open mind and heart. Also, could there be something like a yearly discussion once you've moved where you'd still get some veto power in saying I just seriously can't stand it here and we need to look at something else?

TJ1979 · November 2014

@ducky719 We could still be comfortable on his salary alone. I would have to stop buying all.the.cloth.diapers, but we would be fine. It might take me some time to find a job once we get there, so I might stay at home for a little bit as a trial run, but be looking at the same time. My job has always been our safety net. It's steady and safe and has medical benefits. It was what left MH free to jump around and do what he wanted to do. I'm scared to lose my safety net.

And believe it or not ducky, I'm super duper shy. And I don't always give off a great first impression. I think it's because I'm sarcastic. People sometimes think I'm bitchy. At least if I move, you guys will all still be here!

@itsmevkb That's some solid advice about me needing to be all in and with an open heart and mind. That's something that is sometimes hard for me to do. If we do go, it's a 2 year commitment. So no veto power in one year, but maybe in 2. I'll throw it on the table.

amandaleigh1 · November 2014

Speaking from someone who just relocated over 4 thousand miles, I can say that the transition has been pretty hard on me. I too, had to leave my job. I only had it for 7 months, but would have been happy to stay there 10 years.

For my husband's career, moving was really the only option. His future with his company was limited if we stayed, and the industry we work in has been going downhill in the Seattle area for a long time with no sign of returning. We moved from a place where we were near no family to another place where we were near no family, so that did not factor in much. I did leave behind a few good friends, and I too don't make new ones very easily. Luckily, people in my new area are friendlier and seem more open to exchanging phone numbers and making new friends, so I have some hope that I will have some new friends soon.

The hardest part about the move has been to going back to SAH all the sudden. I have little to no adult interaction most days, and that weighs on me heavily. Let's just say that I have been furiously looking for a job because I need to talk to big people and be out on my own more than I am now. So really, if you think you are going to be SAH if you move, you need to really mull over how that will be for you.

I hope you all figure out what is the best for you and your family. These decisions are really, really hard.

TJ1979 · November 2014

Thank you for sharing your experience @amandaleigh1. I knew you had relocated too, but didn't know how often you were still around here. That is how I think I would feel if I SAH.

Mayzie15 · November 2014

I don't have experience with a big move like that - bit the SAH piece would weigh heavily for me. I know where we live now I will never be a SAH mom and I struggle with that constantly. That being said not everyone wants to be a SAH mom and only you know what will work best for your family. I understand about having a safety net too. Sending you lots of good vibes

luvboston · November 2014

Tough decision, but I say do it if you can live on DH's salary alone and you want to be a sahm. Or if you think you will be able to get a job in this new place and want to work then it could work for both of you.
I have been on both sides of moving. I moved for DH for a job to the middle of nowhere and hated it. We ended up moving a year later because I couldn't take it anymore. Then we moved to where my family lives and DH has to commute. I am much happier, DH makes a big sacrifice by traveling to work but honestly we wouldn't have a family if I would have been by myself. He is away a month at a time and its insane for me to be alone for so long with no help. Also what matters to me is if I can do my hobbies wherever we move.
Good luck!

mdiblasi10 · November 2014

I wanted to add one more thing.... I did a big move as a kid and it was VERY hard on me. I know it's not like that for everyone, but because of my experience, I definitely wouldn't move my kids once they start 1st grade. Just something else to consider for the long term

jesselayne8 · November 2014

LeahB12 said:

I will add this. Being a SAHM with no family to help ever is difficult. I would love to have my mom close to help sometimes, but it is what it is. Some days can be lonely. I'm not sure you'll be in that situation, but it is something to consider.

This! My mom is 13hrs away. I am just not brave enough to travel with both kids alone. When I had one, I went home all the time.

CarrieB. · November 2014

Good luck on your decision. I don't know if I could ever move. I'm such a homebody. But I'm in the same state as my family, so if you were moving closer to family that would be a big plus for me.

Is there anyway to still do something like your job from home? Consulting? Have you checked out any options where you are moving for your industry? I'm in retirement services so I know there are certain cities that would be better than others for me if we had to relocate. I think making new friends would be way easier if you were working.

srveatch · November 2014

I would definitely want to make the decision together with my husband. I wouldn't want the pressure of the possible resentment laying on my shoulders. I would want to know if the new position has long term benefits as well as the annual salary increase. Personally I don't think I could give up my career so that would be a big factor to me and having family support is big for me as well. I guess you just need to look at what is most important to you value wise and go with it! Good luck, this is such a tough decision!

TJ1979 · November 2014

Ohhh this is my biggest fear @MrsLee04‌! I'm sorry you are going through that. Fx your house sells soon!

Cwhitaker27 · November 2014

@TJ1979‌ sorry, I don't have much advice to offer as we've never had to move like that but moving closer to your family seems like an excellent perk! I'll be praying that whatever decision your family makes is the right one! And the good vibes are on their way

Millimeter · November 2014

We moved about 6 hours away when the twins were 6 months old. MH was offered a job making what we made together, plus more.

We moved from the suburbs to a tiny town that is an hour from the nearest Walmart. It is so much slower here and much safer. The move has allowed me to stay home which is amazing. We moved away from all our family so we don't have help with the kids at all.

I'm painfully shy as well so it has been hard to make friends. I made great friends at my job and miss them dearly. There isn't much to do so we are at home a lot. I plan on starting a mom club to get to know more people.

It is hard. Being at home with toddlers all day is hard, especially since MH works long hours. Overall, it was the best decision. Our quality of life is much better and we are happier. Some things royally suck, but nothing is perfect.

I agree with a pro/con list. We decided we would stay at least a year. You can try something for a year then change if need be.

Good luck with your decision!

kaf7 · November 2014

@tj1979 I am sorry that I have been awol and didn't see this sooner. I hope that your visit to okc this weekend is providing you some clarity. I didnt read through everyone's responses but I agree with @MrsLee04‌ that if I was to do it all again I wish I hadn't had so much going on in the 3 months postpartum. All of my decisions were extremely difficult and life changing. I should also note that the longest I have ever lived in a single city was 6y from 0-6y of age....so when people ask me where home is I don't know how to respond. Nowhere feels like home to me. What I can say is that everywhere has pros and cons. I would recommend figuring out what factors are most important to you and deciding based on those. I really miss my friends out west and some of the amenities of a larger centre....and some of the anonymity. But being where we are means I can be home from work in 10min instead of 45min. And we can afford a decent sized home. And DS gets to see his paternal grandparents at least once a month and seeing how much he enjoys that makes me feel better on the days I ask myself what was I thinking when we moved here. I am still distressed a year later on a weekly basis about whether we made the "right" decision. I often wonder if either me or DH had had the courage to say that we didn't want to move if we would have. I wonder if he is lonely and sad about leaving his career to move here and be a SAHD. Had he said he wanted to stay out west I would have done so happily. I encourage having that level of open discussion. We didn't and it still weighs heavily on my mind. But I have to accept I was crazy when we Were making those final decisions...had just done my exams 3 weeks postpartum, was heading back to work, and DH had to decide about his job immediately. Ugh. I do not envy you this decision. It is so stressful. Hugs.

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