Not Feeling a Connection

vdavis89 · November 2014

This is baby #2 for us and with my first we both were really excited and felt connected to her instantly, I thought about what it would be like everyday to be a mommy and I was super excited and couldn't wait for every Dr appt and little milestone. This time around however, I don't feel the same. I'm not nearly as excited as before, and neither is DH. I don't feel a real connection with him/her (don't know what it is yet) and I don't know if I should be worried about that. Will that change once he/she is born? Has anyone else felt this? I want to be excited, I want that connection it's just not happening! We haven't even discussed possible names, I haven't felt it move yet, DH doesn't seem excited either. I feel like a bad mom because it feels so different this time

It's really started to bother me recently, any advice? Is this just a phase? Will it change??

jk3610 · November 2014

I'm a FTM, so I don't have previous experience. Are you planning to find out the sex? Maybe that would help, if you knew what it was and gave it a name.

redneckmomma25 · November 2014

I don't feel connected and I think we have a name and we know it's a boy. I think because I have dd this baby is just not all I think about like it was last time. I feel like this is very common. I'm not worried. I know I love him and will love him. I definitely didn't feel connected to dd after she was born. I mean how can you connect to screaming crying 8 lb dictator. I think if you are still concerned at your next appointment bring it up with your doctor. But I do think it's very common.

vdavis89 · November 2014

We actually find out on the 21st

Im hoping maybe it jars us a little and changes this feeling

Suesse2009 · November 2014

This is our second and I don't feel as connected either. I asked my sister about it since she has two kids. She said she didn't feel as connected with her second and she felt so bad about it. She said she should have warned me about it. Everything was great when she had her though.

I think partially for me it's because I'm not really doing anything to prepare for the baby. With my first I spent so much time researching baby items and planning what we were getting. We bought all neutral color baby items so we don't need to buy anything. I think when we find out what we are having and give them a name it will be better. Also I think when I can start feeling movement.

Ginja85 · November 2014

I don't feel any connection at all. I do hope our A/S on the 21st will change the way I feel.

doxiemom415 · November 2014

I know what you mean, I'm a FTM, and I felt like immediately DH was connected to them.. but I just wasn't feeling it. I think it was still just that "waiting for the other shoe to fall" kind of thing and I was so scared of getting attached to them and then something happening. I really don't think it was until we found out the sex that I started to feel connected. Good luck mama, hope it passes!

RIngReady · November 2014

I feel the same. It's normal, but it that doesn't make me feel any better. I think I am just so busy and tired with DS this time around that I don't really even think about baby. We haven't done any of the monthly pg photos, we haven't cleared out the new nursery, and DH and I rarely even talk about the new baby. I know I am trying to relish all the moments and the time I get with my son right now because I know his world is going to change soon and he's so young that I can't really prepare him.

Our anatomy scan is scheduled near the end of November (see I don't' even know that date off hand) and our Drs office gives us a video. Last time I watched the video for hours, and am hoping that by doing the same this time I will start to bond.

No this isn't super helpful, but I I guess moral of my story is: You're not alone.

PinkDahLia44 · November 2014

I'm going to be a STM too, and sometimes I forget I'm pregnant. Like, logically I know I am, but there's so much more going on now than there was when I was pregnant with DS. It may just be that you are distracted by your other child and you don't have as much time to think about it. Have you felt the baby move yet? Baby kicks are what make me feel more connected to this pregnancy...

vdavis89 · November 2014

Thank you ladies! I know after having DD1 I was extremely depressed for a while, I never saw a Dr about it but I don't know if maybe it was because of so many extreme changes that happened right after having her. Hopefully this time around will be a little less ... chaotic! Thank you for making me feel a little better though.

MariMaCNowa · November 2014

I'm 16wks preggo and I too don't feel a connection yet We have a 2 1/2yr old and with him it was intant! I did have a miscarriage in February before getting pregnant again and maybe I think I'm just being cautious with my feelings? I don't know? I hope to feel the connection once the baby comes

vdavis89 · November 2014

@PinkDahLia44 no I haven't felt it yet

With DD1 I felt her at 16wks so it's awkward to me that I haven't felt it this time yet. Im glad Im not alone in this feeling!

taahira · November 2014

I do remember feeling like this with my 2nd DD, looking back after she was born it wasn't that i wasn't connected, i was just really busy. My 1st DD was 2, i had a full time job, and my DH worked away on business 3 weeks out of 4. I would catch myself wondering if i even felt her move in the last few days. Appointments became stressful, as i had to work it around my work schedule and my 2 year old, i worked up to the day before i gave birth. Completely different to my 1st, where i watch for every symptom, and was early for every appointment. Once she was here the connection was instance, and all those feelings of being a Mommy to a new born baby came flowing back.

Thea11 · November 2014

I think it's perfectly normal. I would say that I do feel connected to this LO, but with DS around plus working full time I definitely have times where I don't spend much time thinking about being pregnant. We haven't bought anything yet either. I'm sure once he or she is born you will feel connected pretty fast.

ally3242 · November 2014

This seems really normal among the other veteran mommies on this board. I know I don't feel super connected or into this pregnancy like I was with DS. I don't really have the time to sit and think about being pregnant all of the time, like last time. I wouldn't be worried one bit about this.

topaz7777 · November 2014

I don't either, though I didn't for DD. I just took a tiny little stranger home from the hospital with me. I got a lot more connected as her personality started to emerge.

cwiceangel · November 2014

I feel you. This is my first and everyone is way more excited than I am. Makes me feel awful. Like you I'm excited about the appointments and all. And I'm grateful and happy that we've got one on the way. I'm really hoping that once we find out the sex that I'll feel more connected. Part of why I really want to find out. I feel like crying more about how I feel about the whole thing than I do about hearing the heartbeat or seeing the ultrasound.

JAP09-02 · November 2014

Your feelings are totally normal! I felt so guilty for feeling this way when pregnant with my second. Once I started feeling her move and found out she was a she things got a little better. Now, I can't imagine life without her. I'm also having the same feelings with this pregnancy, but don't feel quite as guilty this time.

cwiceangel · November 2014

I'm seriously really glad you posted this. I don't feel so horrible now.

n0soup4u · November 2014

I have no personal advice for you as I am a FTM. Although I have a close friend that has experienced this with her 2nd and 3rd pregnancies. She said that once she felt the baby kick and move, she did feel more connected. She also mentioned that once the baby was born it was instant love at first sight all over again. Hang in there!

court476 · November 2014

This is my second pregnancy and I didn't feel connected with my first child for almost a year and a half. I was young and had sever baby blues after I had him. Also, I had 2 abortions when I was 16 (forced to by my mom) which made it even more difficult to make a connection.

I'm not saying that it will take you as long as I did to connect with your baby, but it will come. You just have to be patient. And in the mean time be the best parent you can for them.

EmmaSF · November 2014

With this pregnancy, I have felt so terrible that it has been hard to get excited. I am hoping that my 20w U/S tomorrow will tell me the sex of the babies- I think being able to do some real planning for the twins will help me be more excited. I am over the terror of twins, but I haven't gotten to the super excited anticipation part yet.

GWhizzers · November 2014

Unfortunately, I also have to join Team Not Connected. It also has made me feel guilty because I was SO excited about everything with my first, but not so much with this one. Even seeing newborns doesn't evoke that "feeling" that I had with the first. Good to know I'm not the only one!

topaz7777 · November 2014

I did not have love at first sight with DD at all. I mean I took care of her, but I couldn't really believe she was mine. I think I just felt like someone handed me someone elses kid. It really took me a while to get connected. I wonder how some moms have that instant connection because it didn't happen to me at all.

missab · November 2014

Perfect term @GWhizzers‌ - I take a roster spot on Team Not Connected, too. FTM and just not feeling connected, almost like I can't even fully conceptualize that there's a little human growing in there, just that my body is morphing shape for some reason. I've seen him numerous times on ultrasound, but nada. I'll be 19 weeks tomorrow and like many others, I'm hoping to feel more connected after my anatomy scan. This has concerned me at times because I had a miscarriage last year at nine weeks and was feeling SO much more maternal and connected with that pregnancy than this one. I chalk it up to different hormones etc but at times it has been disconcerting. Thank you for posting this question; so helpful to hear that others are feeling similarly.

Sharon&Paul · November 2014

I never felt connected to my daughters for a while after birth. It concerned me with my first, because I did not have that "love at first sight". My coworker laughed at me and said it was normal but most people don't outright say it. I did not have post partum depression, but it took time for that bond to form. Then you don't understand how you ever did not have such a strong bond.

ashleigh76 · November 2014

I'm so glad to see other FTM feeling the same way I do. Obviously I am happy and feel very blessed to be pregnant, but I have not felt a connection yet. Completely agree with @missab‌, it's hard to even conceptualize that there is a baby growing inside me. Like everyone else I'm hoping after I feel movement and the anatomy scan, it will all finally click. Thanks to all the other posters for making me not feel like such a bad person!

nomesy · November 2014

I don't feel connected.

Critter015 · November 2014

I felt differently about my connection to each baby. Even after they were born it was different for each one. I didn't really have an instant connection with either of them. DD I recognized as looking like I did as a baby right away, which made me feel more connected. DS looked more like DH so I didn't really recognize him, and it took a while to get used to the idea that he was my baby.

DD was an easy baby, so it was easy to sit there and watch her peacefully sleep and just enjoy her, I felt connected with her and so did all of our close friends and family because they could hold her and help with her. DS was colicky and I often found myself feeling like I just had to do my best to be there for him because I was all he had, like I was the only person who loved him and he needed me more than DD had. He didn't really sleep for months and screamed when anyone but me tried to do anything with him. I still feel like I have more of a special attachment with DS, because for so much of his life I have been his sole caretaker.

As my kids grow and become more independent my love for them just grows. They are such individuals and it really is a joy to watch them grow. I have no idea who this baby is going to be or how he or she will fit into our family, but I do look forward to finding out, and I know I'll feel the connection once I meet and get to know him or her.

HZ2012 · November 2014

I'll be honest - I didn't read through every response so I'm sorry if I'm repeating....

How old is your DD? My DS is a year and a half, and I just don't have the time to day dream and think of every little thing regarding baby, like I did with DS. So I think it's normal to not feel connected. I just started feeling movement so I do concentrate a bit more to new baby now that I feel him. there were days I forgot I was pregnant before I felt anything!

Hopefully once you learn the sex you'll feel a little more connected - the baby having some sort of identity may help.

ElizabethSwann · November 2014

Another vote for normal!

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