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BM telling SD lies about me

pinkittypinkitty member
in Blended Families
Hello...my fiance has a 6yo daughter and a 3yo son, and I have a 4yo son.  I have been in their lives for about a year and a half now.  We get along great most of the time, the other times is just typical 6yo girl attitude and the battle with that.  Problem is, their mom HATES me!  She creates these stories and tells them to my SD.  For instance, I used to work at a bank, years ago, and for some reason she has come up with the story that I was fired from that job, and had to be escorted out by security.  None of that is true, I left that job for a better job.  But, she has told this story, along with other similar things, to my SD.  She tells her that I am a liar, so when my SD asks me if I ever got fired from a bank, and I tell her no, she then tells me that I am lying.  The whole thing is crazy, but it obviously gets to me.  Yesterday, BM told my fiance that SD was telling people in her moms family that I am a liar. Now, I am not sure how much truth there is to that, but it is driving me crazy!  I am a good person, and I am not a liar.  I take care of those kids and treat them equal to my own.  I try to just let it go, but its hard to know your 6yo SD is thinking terrible things about you, and telling them to other people.  I feel no matter how good our relationship is, she will always have those "stories' in the back of her mind, thanks to her mom.  How can I deal with this, even if its just for my own well being?

 

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Re: BM telling SD lies about me

  • cole2144cole2144 member
    Your DH needs to address the situation with his child first. No way in hell would my husband tolerate his child calling me a liar, that is unacceptable. Next my husband would and has emailed BM (so there is proof), when she is rude towards me.
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  • pinkittypinkitty member
    My DH has def addressed this issue with SD.  He has made it clear, without putting BM down to her, that this information is not correct and that she is being disrespectful towards me.  He is always backing me up and sticking up for me when it comes to the kids and BM, so thank goodness for that.  

     

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  • stokesm21stokesm21 member
    I agree that your DH should be dealing with this with your SD but I also think he should be addressing the issues with the BM as well.  It sounds like she is jealous and feels threatened by you which is unfortunate.     

    We used to worry about BM talking crap to SS about us but the thing is, as long as you tell her things and stick to your word she's going to figure out pretty quickly that you are not in fact a liar. And then her Mom is going to look like the idiot.  Kids aren't stupid and that's the beauty of the whole situation.  She may be easily persuaded now but there will come a point, and quicker than you think, where she figures out that something isn't right.  She is going to sit there and listen to her Mom say all these bad things about you, go to your house and realize you're this really nice person and then notice that things aren't adding up.  And then of course it's going to be hard for her to see her Mom in that light.  

    The fact of the matter is it's unfortunate, but we can never control what goes on in the other's home. The best thing you can do is show her that you are not who her Mom says you are and she will come around in time.  (IMO)            
     
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  • ldmessingldmessing member
    that is parental alienation, is this not outlined in the court order?
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  • pinkittypinkitty member
    Is it parental alienation when it's towards me?

     

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  • ldmessingldmessing member
    the stuff the BM says about you (the wife of the childs father) is to alienate you from the child, which will in turn affect the relationship between the child and her father.  I know in our case it is indeed parental alienation
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  • SueBearSueBear member
    My suggestion is to take away some of BM's power.  If SD tells you "my mom says you....." look at her like you are puzzled and say "Well, we (dh and I)  - or I - don't share with BM about our / my  lives, so I don't know where she got that story from."  If there is a true story, correct SD.  Don't put BM down or say she is lying.  Don't cover for BM and say she must have gotten the story wrong or made a mistake (because she didn't - she made it up).  Don't act annoyed or angry - just like you just heard crazytalk.

    Sooner or later, SD will put two and two together and realize that her mom doesn't know everything!  It's hard since SD is 6, but trust me, kids figure out things quickly nowadays!  If BM lies about you, she probably lies about a bunch of other things as well.  

    I'm glad DH spoke to SD about calling you a liar.  


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  • bayside14bayside14 member
    I hate to tell ya, unfortunately, it is what is it. Speaking from experience, my SD heard a whole host of stories about me from age 5. After a while, DH didn't even bother trying to correct her bc BM told her we were just good liars. My best advice: proof is in the pudding. I've put in 6 years with my SD and now she trusts me, she loves me, she considers me family. All bc whatever lies BM tells her were/are constantly contradicted by my actions. If SD thinks you were fired from a bank - let her. Who cares. No one will ever think lower of you then the BM and her family and friends anyway - and who cares what they think?? In 10 years, SD will know who tells her the truth and who doesn't, who puts her best interest first and who doesn't. Hang in there. Have patience.

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  • biaher16biaher16 member
    Just tell her that you don't know were she got it from since you and her mom don't talk like one of the ladies suggested. My So bm talks about us all the time but we just ignore it and eventually he will realise who really is the liar.
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  • PamelacakePamelacake member
    Great advice from PP's. I just wanted to add that I'm sorry you are going through this and SD as well. Props to DH for standing up! Good Luck.. I know it's hard at times but like PP's said, she will see for herself (=
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  • misscarter87misscarter87 member
    Ive been going thru this from time to time now til the point where BM lies have gotten so far that she has alienated SD away from me and DH just this past january now we dont get SD every other wkend like we used to but she now lets DH mom get her instead of us so now we barely even see SD its sad how some BM are
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  • IlumineIlumine member
    misscarter87 said:
    Ive been going thru this from time to time now til the point where BM lies have gotten so far that she has alienated SD away from me and DH just this past january now we dont get SD every other wkend like we used to but she now lets DH mom get her instead of us so now we barely even see SD its sad how some BM are
    So why didnt you do something about that?  Unless there isn't a court order, your DH has rights.  
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  • misscarter87misscarter87 member
    Ilumine said:


    misscarter87 said:

    Ive been going thru this from time to time now til the point where BM lies have gotten so far that she has alienated SD away from me and DH just this past january now we dont get SD every other wkend like we used to but she now lets DH mom get her instead of us so now we barely even see SD its sad how some BM are

    So why didnt you do something about that?  Unless there isn't a court order, your DH has rights.  

    no court order at all she refuses to let him see her at all but still wants has him sending her money every week for her she last sent a text a few months ago that he isnt allowed to come get his daughter at all then changed her cell number after that. But now bm lets his mom get dh and picks sd up from her home and the only time we see sd is if we go to his mom house to see her this has been going on since january ever since bm found out that me and dh were expecting.

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  • misscarter87misscarter87 member
    Everytime we do see sd she wants to come with us and gets very upset because she cant especially because she rarely sees her brother and sister now that her mom doesnt let me and sd get her every other wkend like we used to and now she goes with dh mom
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  • IlumineIlumine member
    misscarter87 said:
    misscarter87 said:
    Ive been going thru this from time to time now til the point where BM lies have gotten so far that she has alienated SD away from me and DH just this past january now we dont get SD every other wkend like we used to but she now lets DH mom get her instead of us so now we barely even see SD its sad how some BM are
    So why didnt you do something about that?  Unless there isn't a court order, your DH has rights.  
    no court order at all she refuses to let him see her at all but still wants has him sending her money every week for her she last sent a text a few months ago that he isnt allowed to come get his daughter at all then changed her cell number after that. But now bm lets his mom get dh and picks sd up from her home and the only time we see sd is if we go to his mom house to see her this has been going on since january ever since bm found out that me and dh were expecting.
    Well then, that is your DH's fault.  

    If he wanted to fix this, he needs to file for a court order.  
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    misscarter87 said:

    Everytime we do see sd she wants to come with us and gets very upset because she cant especially because she rarely sees her brother and sister now that her mom doesnt let me and sd get her every other wkend like we used to and now she goes with dh mom

    Ummm.... Your DH can take her anytime he pleases if there is no court order and he is the acknowledged father.

    I agree with you that this is a sad situation. It's sad that BM would be so selfish as to keep her daughter away from her father, and it is sad that your H is another example of a biological father who won't fight for his daughter and the right (both SD's and his) to have a relationship. Sending money is no replacement for an absent parent, and if he had allowed this to happen (which he has), then that is exactly what he is: an absent parent by his own choice.

    Not saying he is not a good man, good husband and father to your kids, or that he doesn't love his daughter. But he is taking the easy way out and throwing a pity party trying to avoid blame that is equally his.
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  • tinybugsmomtinybugsmom member
    I can totally relate to this..... my SD hears horrible things from her BM about me, and her BM shames and guilts her into promising not to speak to me or call me "mommy" (which SD asked if she could call me that all on her own, and DH and I had a long talk a out it.... decided kids make that choice). So any visit with BM results in a very rough month after they get back.

    DH has always been on top of it. Any disrespect toward me he takes care of so the kids know it is not acceptable. He is great at it.... compassionate and gentle but firm. He sits down and talks to SD, hears her side, and explains that sometimes adults say things out of anger or fear, but that it is SDs job to listen to her heart, not what others tell her.... because she has a good heart and knows what is true and what isnt.

    He has to repeat that each time after a visit, and even tho she srill struggles, it is helping... and it also helps SD start understanding that she has the power to make her own opinions. Which is important since we don't see this problem going away.

    What everyone else suggested are good ideas. Just be loving and consistent with her. Remember not to give her a reaction when she tries to bait you with things BM says. Just shrug it off and inform her you don't speak to BM about your life. Have DH back that up. Eventually they do get it.
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