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February 2015 Moms
modernfairytale8709
member
Last night, my husband and I had a rather in-depth discussion about how our pregnancy is affecting our relationship, and the major life changes coming our way. I've really been reveling in the closeness he and I have lately. After five years of marriage, it's like someone switched on a light and we finally hit our perfect rhythm. These last few months have been amazing.
I'm obviously pretty focused on what's going on with me and the little one. I've been researching pregnancy and childbirth for years before we even decided to start trying. I feel like I understand everything enough that I'm not afraid of childbirth. I fully understand and embrace that it's going to be an intense experience that includes periods of intense pain.
Last night, my husband confessed that he's very afraid that he won't be able to support me during delivery. He hates hospitals, and even experiences anxiety going to by midwife appointments with me. Besides the initial appointment where we heard the HB for the first time, and the A/S, I haven't pressured him into going to any other appointments. He told me that he'd rather cut off his hand then have to experience going through childbirth with me.
At first, I was kind of pissed off. I mean, it's happening. It's an eventuality that we have to deal with. And then I thought about what I know about my husband: I know that when I got my ears pierced, he had to walk away from the booth because he couldn't stand the thought of me being in pain, even mildly so. I've seen the anxiety on his face when we're sitting in the waiting room at my midwife's office. I've seen his face literally change colors any time we walk through the door of a hospital.
We ended up having a really great talk, but the fact remains that my husband is absolutely terrified of experiencing childbirth with me. He's also very afraid that he'll never think of me the same way after seeing all that. I told him that I understand his concerns, but that I couldn't say I won't need his support.
I've ordered myself some books on Hypnobirthing and Ina May Gaskin's guide to childbirth, and I'm thinking of passing them on to him when I'm through.
I feel like a bad wife for being so focused on myself through all this. What are you ladies doing to prepare your husband for going through delivery with you?
Helping Dads-to-Be Cope during L&D
modernfairytale8709
member
Last night, my husband and I had a rather in-depth discussion about how our pregnancy is affecting our relationship, and the major life changes coming our way. I've really been reveling in the closeness he and I have lately. After five years of marriage, it's like someone switched on a light and we finally hit our perfect rhythm. These last few months have been amazing.
I'm obviously pretty focused on what's going on with me and the little one. I've been researching pregnancy and childbirth for years before we even decided to start trying. I feel like I understand everything enough that I'm not afraid of childbirth. I fully understand and embrace that it's going to be an intense experience that includes periods of intense pain.
Last night, my husband confessed that he's very afraid that he won't be able to support me during delivery. He hates hospitals, and even experiences anxiety going to by midwife appointments with me. Besides the initial appointment where we heard the HB for the first time, and the A/S, I haven't pressured him into going to any other appointments. He told me that he'd rather cut off his hand then have to experience going through childbirth with me.
At first, I was kind of pissed off. I mean, it's happening. It's an eventuality that we have to deal with. And then I thought about what I know about my husband: I know that when I got my ears pierced, he had to walk away from the booth because he couldn't stand the thought of me being in pain, even mildly so. I've seen the anxiety on his face when we're sitting in the waiting room at my midwife's office. I've seen his face literally change colors any time we walk through the door of a hospital.
We ended up having a really great talk, but the fact remains that my husband is absolutely terrified of experiencing childbirth with me. He's also very afraid that he'll never think of me the same way after seeing all that. I told him that I understand his concerns, but that I couldn't say I won't need his support.
I've ordered myself some books on Hypnobirthing and Ina May Gaskin's guide to childbirth, and I'm thinking of passing them on to him when I'm through.
I feel like a bad wife for being so focused on myself through all this. What are you ladies doing to prepare your husband for going through delivery with you?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Helping Dads-to-Be Cope during L&D
I think the trust I had in the medical staff, the fact that we had prepared, knowing that we were there for a positive reason and having something/someone else to focus on helped him a lot. I did have him talk to other dad's who had been there though so that he knew what to expect.
For us, touring the birthing center was quite helpful for him. He realized that it is less like a hospital when you are there to have babies. He said it was more like a medical support system.
Has YH toured yet? Maybe that would help!
F15 Siggy Challenge: What You're Looking Forward to Most After Baby Arrives: BELLY SLEEPING!
It's great that you're talking about it. Initially I'd probably feel pissed too, but at least he's willing to voice his concerns and talk them through with you.
As I'm reading your post, I kept thinking "doula". I'm a FTM so I don't have any personal experience, but I've heard good things about using one during L&D. Maybe having a doula would give your DH the time to take frequent breaks if need be, leave the room, etc, without leaving you alone. From my research, it appears doulas are exactly trained to help you through the tough times where a FTdad maybe be totally lost, scared, or exhausted.
DH and I aren't planning on having one but I've thought about it. [Supposedly] DH is not queasy and "up for the challenge" of getting me through by himself, so we're rolling with that.
Whatever you decide, something primal and instinctive may switch in your DH on baby day and he may perform better than you both expect! DH's bestfriend became a FTdad in August and he is the hugest wuss I've ever met. Can't stomach the smell of dog poop, scared of mowing the lawn "due to snakes", and would even gag when his wife would talk about dilating. However, he didn't pass out during L&D once, and even cut the cord. He talked to us about how surprised he was about "performing so well" on the big day! lol
Ms Peaches' blog
My husband has Asperger's. What concerns me most for him is the commotion and unknown. We will be going to birthing class together and touring the hospital. He is excited about both of those; he needs to be well informed to help his autistic anxieties. I've also suggested that his grandmother be in the room with us during labor. My sister will also be there. She and DH will be my support system (sister picking up where DH leaves off or can't), and grandma will be his support. I feel like my sister and his grandmother are both very calm people and can fill him in on what is going on while I'm going through labor.
I think it's great that your husband is willing to talk to you about these things. I usually have to pry them out of my husband. Most of my plans for L&D are based on my understanding of DH, even if he won't voice his concerns himself. My husband freaked out at me after our wedding because there was so much going on, and he didn't know what was happening. I assume L&D will be way more complicated, so I'm planning how to keep him well informed ahead of time.
DS 2/17/15
BFP 6/12/17
EDD 2/18/17
We'll be touring our hospital at the end of December and will be taking childbirth classes starting mid-November. But the thought of hiring a doula to support us both has crossed my mind.
I'm speaking as someone who, it appears, shares his anxieties and phobia. I have had a strong phobia of hospitals since around 10yrs old. I've fainted several times visiting people in hospital (most recently when they were putting an IV in my DH for an outpatient surgery). On most of the occasions that I haven't fainted I've had full blown panic attacks.
While it is possible that he might be able to rise to the occasion, if I were depending on him, I would perhaps explore the idea of a psych assessment and exposure therapy led by a trained therapist. People can do exposure therapy and mindfulness and lots of anxiety reducing techniques on their own without a therapist, too, if it is outside of your budget.
Also, as pps have said, hypno birthing should be great. Many if the techniques taught are anxiety controlling techniques!
My DH was so anti-labor room before, he told me he was staying by my head. But when it can down to it he was propping my legs with a nurse, and even cut the cord.
Thanks for all the fabulous advice, ladies!
I do plan to keep the lines of communication open in this. I think part of what induced his panic mode is that he just realized that birthing at on out-of-hospital birth center means no epidural.
This was always the plan, but I don't think he full understood before. I do plan on trying to find a decent natural birth class--I'd prefer a hypno birth/babies class, but I don't have an instructor in my area.
We also haven't toured the actual birth rooms at the center yet, and I'm planning to ask to schedule the tour at my next appointment.
BFP #2: m/c at 7w, February, 2014
BFP #3: It's a BOY! Please be our rainbow! Due February, 2015
*everyone always welcome*
Though, btw, while my memories are a bit blurry and sentimental, my husband will tell ANYONE who asks that he's seen a real placenta! And will gleefully go into all the details. Soooooo... turns out he remembers more than just the new baby bit of it.
I second all of what's been said. Especially the doula thang. What's great about a doula is she's there to support dad too. (Or should be) great doulas will make sure dad's are hydrated, using good body mechanics as they support mom. If dad doesn't like blood or goo, she can make sure he's got gloves before touching baby. All this on top of helping mom be a rock star! You should interview a few and see what's what. He can still be your main support, but won't be responsible for ALL the knowledge with a doula helping. Make sense?
I'm waiting patiently (read: trying) for my DH to pick up the Bradley Method book we bought. I really want him to have a huge role. Thanks for the reminders that I need to see what HE wants. And for the cool stories about husbands stepping up in amazing ways. I'm encouraged!!
I was going to recommend "The Birth Partner" as well-- our midwife suggested we read it, especially if we did decide to forgo the doula. Our hospital offers a free doula in training, so I think we will be doing that.
NO MORE HEARTBURN!