Total AW, and SORRY: Anxiety

alexeleni · November 2014

Hi, everyone--I really don't want to "Dear Diary" on you guys, but I am struggling and I wanted to put it out there in large part to see if anyone else is struggling similarly. So, sorry to AW.

The background: I have some social anxiety but its been controlled without meds except at one stressful point in my life. I have a lot of history of depression and such in my family, but have mostly escaped the gene so far, it seems.

The problem: I am having crippling anxiety about Dot (our nickname for LO). Like, "I'm convinced the heart stopped and it's dead" anxiety. Nonstop. It keeps me from sleeping and I sometimes have straight up panic attacks. This is totally unlike me. Normally, I'm all about research and learning things to combat my worries. With pregnancy, even opening "What to Expect" is making my hyperventilate--anyone else feel like it always says "your baby will definitely have four heads if you do X..." and you're doing X AS YOU READ IT? Maybe just me...

Anyhow, I am, of course, contacting the social worker at my hospital, which I have put off until now, but at this point I'm kind of spiraling. Like: anxiety now puts me at higher risk for Post-Partum Depression, which is my nightmare. All I want, and to a large extent my major goal, has always been to be a good mom and not like my (tried hard, crippled by clinical and manic depression at key points in my childhood) mom.

So, fuck. Sorry to rant at you. I'm just scared and so so alone. (My husband is amazing but I have zero friends where we live.)

Thanks for reading....

lindsayanne14 · November 2014

I too have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks, although things are under control now and have been for awhile. The thoughts you're describing along with the panic episodes are red flags that's it's time for some intervention and support. I'm glad you recognized this and contacted the social worker. I know personally, when my anxiety flares up and really starts interfering with my life meeting with my counselor, practicing mindfulness and putting anxiety management at the top of my priority list usually helps me get things back to a manageable level. Just remember to breathe and take one day at a time!

somewheresublime86 · November 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm on a low dosage of Prozac (about a 1/3 what I normally take), because without it I get intrusive thoughts like you're describing. It truly sucks, but it will get better!

1) Put down 'What to Expect' NOW. In fact, throw it away/donate it.

2) Get in to see the social worker ASAP.

3) Start engaging in some self-care right away. Exercise, warm baths, plenty of sleep. You could also look into some free guided meditation that's online.

4) Spend a half hour every day watching a show that makes you laugh really, really hard.

Hang in there lady. These are all things that have worked for me, and I'm certain you can get this in check. Plus, your husband sounds like he'll support whatever you need and is looking out for you. That makes all the difference :-)

NoraMia · November 2014

@alexeleni I'm in a similar situation, I have anxiety as well and my husband and I live very far from family and friends. We just moved down here and all we have is each other as well. I get those intrusive thoughts and I completely agree with @somewheresublime86 stop reading, stop researching, it does not help. It just gives 10,000 other things to worry about. reach out to the social worker you mentioned. I've started playing games online and my hubby bought me an xbox just to distract me. This really helps because you are completely focused on something else. I like the idea of watching funny shows and movies this also helps. Hang in there and it will get better! Its great to have a support system at home as well. Good Luck to you! Feel free to ask any questions

EmmaSF · November 2014

I suffer from anxiety and have taken medication for it throughout both of my pregnancies. Do you have a therapist? I think you need to speak to someone ASAP. Also, stop reading the internet and the baby books that are making you anxious.
Internet hugs!!!

JaneShops · November 2014

Just wanted to send over T&Ps.

I think it's great that you're aware, that's a huge step right there. Until you get the help & therapy, Take it day by day. Stay strong, mama

eyeager128 · November 2014

I'm going through the same thing. I was on an anti anxiety medication before pregnancy and have been thinking about going back on it to help with these types of thoughts. I go from one thing to the other. Now that the risk of miscarriage is low, I've convinced myself that I will have an incompetent cervix and miscarry that way. My husband, and family are great and reassuring but it's hard to stop googling which makes things so much worse. So I totally get you. I went to the dr yeaterday and have a follow up next week. Wishing you the best and hoping you can also get things under control.

keifekm · November 2014

Hugs to all of you dealing with depression and extreme anxiety. I hope you find relief throughout your pregnancy. It's nice to see all of the great ideas people have shared to help.

JAP09-02 · November 2014

I have dealt with anxiety at certain points in my life, and it can be absolutely debilitating. Good for you for seeking help. The fact that you are aware and wanting to do something about it means you are a good mom. I hope things turn around for you and that you can start enjoying this pregnancy.

alexeleni · November 2014

Everyone, thanks so much. You are all lovely, and I am feeling better just knowing people get it and have ideas. THANK YOU.

caridura84 · November 2014

Sending t&p your way! Hope all your worries subside and you'll be able to "enjoy" the great things in pregnancy.

fourthtimesacharm · November 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I agree with PPs that you're doing the right thing seeking help from the professionals. (((Hugs)))

catlover790 · November 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this, I think getting in touch with someone to talk to is a great idea!

I have not been as anxious as you describe, but I have been worried about my baby during this pregnancy. I actually haven't read any of "what to expect" because I know the basics already and know it would cause me to worry more.

I have also been trying to take time for myself each day to watch a show I like, read, play with my cat, and just relax a little. Also, I've been trying to do fun things for the pregnancy; buying things for the baby as I see them, doing weekly bump pictures, picking out names etc. To me it seems like if I plan as if this is all happening it helps me to feel like everything is okay!

I hope the social worker can help you and I hope you can find some ways to de-stress that help you enjoy your pregnancy. GL, and hugs!

Blergbot · November 2014

I haven't been dealing with anxiety so much as depression. My first trimester I was feeling pretty low. I let my OB know, and they set me up with a counselor who specializes in pregnancy and I talked to my psychiatrist about adjusting my meds (I've struggled with major depression my whole life). I'm feeling so much better now, even though I'm in my last semester of grad school and have two big papers looming over me. Make sure you take care of YOU!

sagehens47 · November 2014

@alexeleni - i totally understand what you're going through and my thoughts are with you (as they are with everyone else dealing with this!). I too am a normal, high functioning future awesome mommy who has dealt with anxiety/panic disorder and depression for the past 15 years. I've been off and on medication the whole time, depending on the situation. Before TTC I weaned off my meds when I shouldn't have, and just had a hellish time. Constant panic attacks, insomnia, etc - I was spiraling downwards, and even my amazing therapist could barely make a dent.

Books and googling scared the shit out of me - everything I had previously used to save my life (seriously) were too "dangerous" for the baby. But talking to doctors and OB's was different - they had dealt with many MANY pregnant women on medication, and the risk of being on them was far less than that of being off. So yeah, I'm back on low doses of lexapro, klonopin, and trazodone. Is it ideal? No - i wish i was a normie and didn't need medication to help me actually do the things that keep depression at bay: meditation, yoga, exercise, socializing, getting out of the house...

This of course is just MY story. Others may disagree with my choice, or get relief from alternative actions. But my advice would be to attack this straight on and get as much informed info as possible (from the professionals and not dr. google). Come up with an action plan that you feel comfortable with - a happy and healthy you means a happy and healthy baby.

sorry for the long rant - PM me if you want to talk more...

alexeleni · November 2014

Imma just say again--you guys have made my day (or possibly my pregnancy) so so much better. Thank you.

angelfish628 · November 2014

Sending you hugs! I agree with all of the PPs - you're doing the right thing by acknowledging the issue and getting the help/support you need. I'm sure you will be a great mom!!

jamiesc58 · November 2014

Sending hugs your way! I am on a low dose of prozac for generalized anxiety disorder. It took me a long time to realize it isn't something you have to be ashamed of. It will be so much better for you when you seek help. My counselor gave me great tips and techniques on how to relax and calm yourself. I read funny books a lot! I totally recommend Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series. :-) Good luck to you!

jk3610 · November 2014

Just saw this post and want to tell you: You aren't alone. And I can definitely relate to what you said about your mom. (I was in the same situation as a kid.) It is so hard sometimes to not be anxious. Just take care of yourself always. Something I've learned in my recovery is that it is important to put yourself first. Which sounds selfish, but if you are unwell, it is hard to be a good GF/wife/partner or a good mom. Exercise has been a huge fix for me, as well as monitoring alcohol and caffeine consumption, and getting plenty of sleep. Best wishes!

amystan · November 2014

Ah, I feel for you. But BRAVO for recognizing it before it goes too far. My doctor told me when I was going through a depression/anxiety melt down last year to get away with DH for a week and cross country ski every day until we couldn't move. It honestly helped. All the anxiety and stress was left on the snow. Im guessing it would work with a hike in the woods or any physical activity out in nature. One of the most simple but best pieces of advice I've received.

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