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February 2015 Moms
StephanieLBerg
member
Need to vent
StephanieLBerg
member
So, I just got off a long, emotional, screaming phone call from my father, telling me that I am a shitty parent already because I am putting my needs ahead of my own unborn child. WTF?
So I guess I should give the back story. Back when we found out we were pregnant my dad asked me to keep him abreast of everything going on in our lives, since he lives over 3000 miles away he doesn't get to come around very often. So I agreed and have been sending him weekly email updates ever since; letting him know where we stand financially (because hubby lost his job shortly after we found out), emotionally, whats going on with the baby, how I'm feeling, etc. Nothing any normal person would normally write home about. Then, when I had to quit my job, my dad had said that I could come to him for any help if I needed, financial or otherwise, just until I could find another job. So, fast forward to three weeks ago when I took a trip to visit my great grandmother in Palm Springs for her birthday. My dad and I had a very open and candid discussion about life. I told him about the few road bumps we hit, but that we were doing ok. He seemed fine and happy to hear that. Well, I just received my bank statement last week and noticed how much we have actually tapped into our savings. We still have plenty for the baby, but since I'm starting a new job here soon thats going to require me to spend a little money to get started (I.e. CPR certification, a few new work outfits, etc) I had the thought of asking my father if I could take him up on his offer to help us out financially, by asking for a small $300 loan until I could get my first paycheck and then I'd pay him back, instead of taking more money out of our savings which would have cost us more money in fees. Well, he completely wigged!
Said that I didn't tell him the whole story about our financial situation back when I saw him in Palm Springs, that I lied to him, and now we are in dire straights. #1) We are not in dire straights, our bills are getting paid on time just fine. #2) I have no idea what he's talking about when he says I didn't tell him the whole story. What story? There was no story to tell! #3) How the mother-eff did I lie? Lie about what? What was there to lie about? I mean, if he didn't want to help, then that's all her ad to say, but to go off on a temper tantrum like that, what did I do to deserve that? So I try to explain that I don't know what he's talking about and he interupts me and calls me a shitty parent for not putting my childs needs before my own. Then he goes on to say that he's not going to help me until I pull my shit together. Um......what? How am I doing that? What am I doing to do that? By going out and finding another job, I feel that I am putting my child before me, wouldn't you say? To make sure that my husband and I can provide for our daughter financially as well as mentally, physically, and emotionally? I asked him to explain why he thinks I'm already turning out to be a shitty parent, he refused and continued screaming at me about how irresponsible I am and that I need to get my shit together.
So, not only am I emotionally hysterical and crying at this point, but now I have no idea where his outburst came from. I called my mom and told her what happened, she said that that is how my father has always been. He'll seem like your best friend, promise you the world, and then the minute you try and collect he turns on you and now its all your fault. I have never seen this side of my father before. I've tried having him be part of my life, tried having a relationship with him because we didn't have one when I was a child. But now that I know his true colors, I don't think I want him in mine or my daughter's lives. If I had known that a relationship with him would come with stipulations and rules, I would never have pursued it in the first place.
So, in conclusion, not only am I an emotional wreck now, but I'm also minus my father in my life....again. Sorry for being long winded, but I just needed to vent my anger frustration out about this whole.situation. Maybe now I can finally calm down and pull myself together.
So I guess I should give the back story. Back when we found out we were pregnant my dad asked me to keep him abreast of everything going on in our lives, since he lives over 3000 miles away he doesn't get to come around very often. So I agreed and have been sending him weekly email updates ever since; letting him know where we stand financially (because hubby lost his job shortly after we found out), emotionally, whats going on with the baby, how I'm feeling, etc. Nothing any normal person would normally write home about. Then, when I had to quit my job, my dad had said that I could come to him for any help if I needed, financial or otherwise, just until I could find another job. So, fast forward to three weeks ago when I took a trip to visit my great grandmother in Palm Springs for her birthday. My dad and I had a very open and candid discussion about life. I told him about the few road bumps we hit, but that we were doing ok. He seemed fine and happy to hear that. Well, I just received my bank statement last week and noticed how much we have actually tapped into our savings. We still have plenty for the baby, but since I'm starting a new job here soon thats going to require me to spend a little money to get started (I.e. CPR certification, a few new work outfits, etc) I had the thought of asking my father if I could take him up on his offer to help us out financially, by asking for a small $300 loan until I could get my first paycheck and then I'd pay him back, instead of taking more money out of our savings which would have cost us more money in fees. Well, he completely wigged!
Said that I didn't tell him the whole story about our financial situation back when I saw him in Palm Springs, that I lied to him, and now we are in dire straights. #1) We are not in dire straights, our bills are getting paid on time just fine. #2) I have no idea what he's talking about when he says I didn't tell him the whole story. What story? There was no story to tell! #3) How the mother-eff did I lie? Lie about what? What was there to lie about? I mean, if he didn't want to help, then that's all her ad to say, but to go off on a temper tantrum like that, what did I do to deserve that? So I try to explain that I don't know what he's talking about and he interupts me and calls me a shitty parent for not putting my childs needs before my own. Then he goes on to say that he's not going to help me until I pull my shit together. Um......what? How am I doing that? What am I doing to do that? By going out and finding another job, I feel that I am putting my child before me, wouldn't you say? To make sure that my husband and I can provide for our daughter financially as well as mentally, physically, and emotionally? I asked him to explain why he thinks I'm already turning out to be a shitty parent, he refused and continued screaming at me about how irresponsible I am and that I need to get my shit together.
So, not only am I emotionally hysterical and crying at this point, but now I have no idea where his outburst came from. I called my mom and told her what happened, she said that that is how my father has always been. He'll seem like your best friend, promise you the world, and then the minute you try and collect he turns on you and now its all your fault. I have never seen this side of my father before. I've tried having him be part of my life, tried having a relationship with him because we didn't have one when I was a child. But now that I know his true colors, I don't think I want him in mine or my daughter's lives. If I had known that a relationship with him would come with stipulations and rules, I would never have pursued it in the first place.
So, in conclusion, not only am I an emotional wreck now, but I'm also minus my father in my life....again. Sorry for being long winded, but I just needed to vent my anger frustration out about this whole.situation. Maybe now I can finally calm down and pull myself together.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need to vent
Uuugh, sorry you had this happen. Parents act like they simply cant understand this economy and this job market, and it's maddening. Congrats on the new job though, that's awesome.
From what I am reading, it sounds like he is a bit emotionally unstable and unreliable. If he has not been in your life for the majority of it, I would keep him at a distance but not necessarily exclude him completely. I would certainly not rely on him for anything from this point forward. I would also not tell him everything that is going on in your life.
Hang in there! Try not to let it stress you out too much. Focus on the people who you know you can talk to and lean on for support!
Sending a lot of love your way, I'm very sorry to hear that this conversation turned so wildly on you...
***July Siggy Challenge***
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BFP #2: m/c at 7w, February, 2014
BFP #3: It's a BOY! Please be our rainbow! Due February, 2015
*everyone always welcome*
You going and getting another job is putting your child first. Sadly your fathers screaming seems to be old habits as your mother has said.
Go ahead with your plans, get what is needed from your savings and you will see how blessings in many forms come flowing your way. There is no ways that you or your child will suffer.
Have yourself a treat with your feet up and enjoy some chill out time for you.
Sorry you have to deal with this emotional roller coaster.
Luv & hugs
I'm so sorry he treated you that way. I'm sure you'll be a great mother. His accusations sound emotional rather than rational, I hope you can eventually move past them.
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It has happened in the past @sugahcookie01 , and it wasn't me who cut off the communication, it was him. He said, "Call me when you get your shit together!" And then hung up on me. The fact that this is a pattern, of sorts (he never went to this extreme before), I guess I should have known better. Mostly, I was trying to keep the peace between my father and I so that my brothers would know their half sister, but also, thanks to my dad, they barely know me now. I still have never met my youngest brother, and the last time I saw the other one was 2 years ago this Christmas. My dad is a man full of empty promises. Like I've said in other threads on similar subjects, my father would promise me the world, and then would never deliver. He would tell me he had all these plans to take me to do things as a kid; snorkeling, helicopter rides, bungie jumping, etc. And then when the time came, he would make up some excuse as to why we couldn't do what he had "planned". He said he'd pay for my higher education in lieu of him paying child support to my mother, that didn't last past community college, and even then, it took me doing Miss America pageants to pay for 95% of it. He wasn't in my life while growing up by his choice, not mine. My mother had a lot to do with it too I guess, but he still didn't even make an effort. And now, he's written himself out of his granddaughters life by his own choice. Sure, I'll send him photos of her, school pictures and what not, but nothing more than a birthday or Christmas card. I'm tired of the heartache, especially when I didn't do anything to deserve it. I do want him in life, more than anything, but not at the expense of him making me feel worthless and unloved like he always has.
Edit: quote fail
The grass is always greener but I'd say that since this stuff seems to have come about after you tried to collect on the money (which I totally get that he offered), I'd kill for my dad to want to know about my life. The important things in life. How I'm doing, how I'm feeling, etc...So I guess id wonder if it's worth it to write him off? BUT like I said, my relationship with my dad is on the rocks so I'm hardly speaking from a place of healthy parent-child relationships.
It's shitty and I don't want to lessen your experience, just offering another side and commiserate on the difficulties of adult child/parent relationships. Good luck.
BFP: 07/14/2014, EDD: 03/04/2015