Spark gone. (NBR)

FlemDance · October 2014

DH and I have totally lost our spark. We've talked about it and we both know that things cannot continue the way that they are if we want to stay together. I'm looking for any suggestions at all to help us get the spark back. One of the biggest areas that we are having issues with has been sex. In the past year, we've had sex literally twice. During first tri I was vomiting constantly, so obviously didn't want to get busy. During the second tri he and I were both super busy at work, and by the time things slowed down I was put on pelvic rest. After DD was born via c-section I wasn't feeling up for it, and we've gone so long without it it's like we don't even think about it any more, which is frightening to me. We've also been really snippy at each other - things are just really hard right now. I want to want to do it, but it's like I've forgotten how.

I know I'm rambling, and this may not make much sense. I want things to work but it's like I literally don't know where to start. Any advice would be helpful and appreciated.

dogsombrero · October 2014

We schedule sex. Not romantic it helps get things started in that department. Neither one of us is waiting/hoping the other will initiate, it's something to look forward to and it makes spontaneous sex more likely to happen. It's not romantic advice but it's helped us.

bossyferg · October 2014

I found after our first baby that it is so important to do something special as a couple. Try to remember why you wanted to start a family with your spouse or when you first met how exciting it was to be together. Just even a really special date night or visit a place you used to visit before babe was born. One thing we do is celebrate our anniversary of when we had our first date. Once went away for a night to a fancy hotel then walked around on a beautiful day by the water. Hope you find your spark again. The first year after baby is the hardest but if you both want it to work out... It will

FlemDance · October 2014

Both of our families live in the same area and are always ready and willing to watch LO. I have no problems with leaving her with them. We try to have conversations about things other than LO, but convos always seem to steer toward her. I'm interested in the scheduling sex idea. I think that things would get back on track if we did that, esp. for DH.

kendy20 · October 2014

We have issues in this area also but more on my part than his. He gets frustrated with me because I have little interest in sex since DD was born. Honestly, I just kinda make myself do it sometimes for his sake. I agree with @Cook251‌ , if you are comfortable having someone watch DD, get some just one on one time with DH. Plan a date night and just have fun :-) my DH started holding hands more and just having his arm around me when we were out and about, which helped me feel like it wasn't always just about him wanting sex. Which in turn kinda gives us a little spark here and there. I think especially after everything our bodies have been through, it's just nice to feel loved rather than feeling like we are just here to please them in that area.

pandadair · October 2014

Dude. No advice. Just commiseration. I would suggest couples counseling, honestly. I know that the hole we are in isn't going to fix itself just by scheduling some date nights, anyway. Gut check time. ETA: Also individual counseling, so that you can work through stuff on your own, too. I find it to be immensely helpful, but clearly I am a big counseling advocate. Sometimes you just need to walk through your problematic thought processes out loud with someone neutral.

FlemDance · October 2014

kitchencolors said:

I think this absolutely is not "NBR". Adding a baby to a marriage is HARD. Hard hard hard.

I don't have much else, just throwing that out there.

I do agree with this, just looking at the situation in terms of DH and I.

HAndrews25 · October 2014

I suggest wine.

Saturday night, after the baby is in bed and I have pumped, we spilt a bottle of wine, watch some TV, then get busy. It is scheduled, but it works for us.

FlemDance · October 2014

@bunannie You pretty much summed up exactly what we are going through right now, especially the whole "who does more" debate. Unfortunately, DH just broke his hand. So, right now, a lot of that stuff will fall solely on me, temporarily. I'm going to do my best to keep my temper in check, because when I was on bed rest he took over everything. But, at the same time, I will also have the baby to care for on top of the household duties. My temper is short and I don't want to be getting upset with him for something that he can't help, but I'm worried that it will happen and just make things even worse between us.

FlemDance · October 2014

I'm not pleased that others are going through this, but it does make me feel better that I'm not the only one, that DH and I aren't doomed to fail. I think sometimes I expect to much, that he should read my mind and I get upset when he doesn't. I just don't know how not to do that.

pandadair · October 2014

MK1013 said:

Us too. The spark is gone and has been since I peed on the stock and was nauseated. Sex hurts, so we've only done it twice since having DD, my anxiety has made me very on edge, and I'm exhausted. I really actually have started feeling bad for DH because he thinks it's him and it's really not. I've tried to tell him that, but alas, he doesn't believe me, and why should he, this has been going on awhile now. Cuddling is even tough for me because after having a baby hanging on my tit all day I just want my space at night. I know I need to work at this. I keep asking myself if I would be okay if I lost him and I wouldn't be. I need to suck it up and stop being such a wench. Not really sure where to start, so this tips will be helpful to me. Like others, no ideas, but commiseration, definitely.

Stop right there. You are not being a wench. You are experiencing perfectly valid emotions and reactions to things. Don't put that blame on yourself and don't let your husband make you feel like you should. (He may not but, but I'm just saying.) It's not something you are doing. It's something you are going through and you need support.

whitehousem · October 2014

Try something new together that neither has done before... The novelty and shared experience will generate hormones like oxytocin. Then get a hotel for the night. It's important to keep things fresh and exciting. You're not alone. Also, remember that all relationships go through ups and downs. This is a huge transitional period. It's ok. You recognize what's happening... Now work on it together.

FlemDance · October 2014

For me, one of the biggest issues that DH has, and this has been an ongoing thing before baby, is that he's not very understanding of pain or illness. So, I'm not sure if he would even believe me if I brought up bodily trauma and hormones. Even after my bowel resection as well as my c-section, or any Crohn's issues that may come up, if it's been "a while" by his definition I should just suck it up. I'm not someone who complains very much, but I feel like if I feel shitty I should be allowed to bitch about that to my husband in my own home. I'm honestly not sure where this comes from for him. He is an insulin-dependent diabetic, so maybe he thinks that since he deals with something like that on a daily basis that others shouldn't be allowed to complain? I don't know.

hfooter · October 2014

I have felt like this lately with DH and have found the best thing to do is talk about it and work on a solution. So ours is to go on a date every Friday night. We also make an effort to cuddle every night. And my mental goal is to try to have sex twice a week to help get us back in to the swing of things. It's hard working on a relationship but I don't think it's harder than a divorce would be.

dp1320 · October 2014

I agree whole heartedly with pps that having a baby really changes your marriage. It is so hard to find the balance between focusing on your marriage and caring for your new baby (amongst the million other things we have to as well). I think the fact that you both recognize that things "aren't OK" and want to make them ok is a great first step. I guess only you guys can decide what that next step is though - whether it be counseling, setting up date nights, etc. My advice would be to make sure you take action though, don't just have the conversation and let things go back to how they were...

FlemDance · October 2014

becole42 said:

For me, one of the biggest issues that DH has, and this has been an ongoing thing before baby, is that he's not very understanding of pain or illness. So, I'm not sure if he would even believe me if I brought up bodily trauma and hormones. Even after my bowel resection as well as my c-section, or any Crohn's issues that may come up, if it's been "a while" by his definition I should just suck it up. I'm not someone who complains very much, but I feel like if I feel shitty I should be allowed to bitch about that to my husband in my own home. I'm honestly not sure where this comes from for him. He is an insulin-dependent diabetic, so maybe he thinks that since he deals with something like that on a daily basis that others shouldn't be allowed to complain? I don't know.
Or he's like me and just has very little capacity for empathy. Is he ever empathetic? I have a really easy time of faking empathy for my friends but I don't fake it for DH. It would take a lot for me to feel bad/ go out of my way for DH because of an illness/ injury. I have to take care of myself if I'm sick and I kinda expect him to do the same. This may be a "love languages" type of issue. I know it is for us. My DH likes physical touch/ compliments and I like gifts/ having stuff done for me.

Yup, that's a definite possibility. I really would like for him to be more empathetic. I don't necessarily want to be babied, but at least feel acknowledged when I don't feel well. Example: after my bowel resection I had an abscess occur. It healed up and I was on my way to getting back to normal, when another abscess came up. It wasn't as bad as the first, but I just didn't feel "right" - he thought that I was just exaggerating. It wasn't until I was admitted to the ER and had a CAT scan done that he realized I still really was sick. I know that's a pretty extreme example, but still. When he's sick I definitely try to make things a bit easier on him, do what I can just to lessen the load. It would be nice if the same courtesy was extended to me.

pandadair · October 2014

FlemDance said:

becole42 said:

For me, one of the biggest issues that DH has, and this has been an ongoing thing before baby, is that he's not very understanding of pain or illness. So, I'm not sure if he would even believe me if I brought up bodily trauma and hormones. Even after my bowel resection as well as my c-section, or any Crohn's issues that may come up, if it's been "a while" by his definition I should just suck it up. I'm not someone who complains very much, but I feel like if I feel shitty I should be allowed to bitch about that to my husband in my own home. I'm honestly not sure where this comes from for him. He is an insulin-dependent diabetic, so maybe he thinks that since he deals with something like that on a daily basis that others shouldn't be allowed to complain? I don't know.
Or he's like me and just has very little capacity for empathy. Is he ever empathetic? I have a really easy time of faking empathy for my friends but I don't fake it for DH. It would take a lot for me to feel bad/ go out of my way for DH because of an illness/ injury. I have to take care of myself if I'm sick and I kinda expect him to do the same. This may be a "love languages" type of issue. I know it is for us. My DH likes physical touch/ compliments and I like gifts/ having stuff done for me.

Yup, that's a definite possibility. I really would like for him to be more empathetic. I don't necessarily want to be babied, but at least feel acknowledged when I don't feel well. Example: after my bowel resection I had an abscess occur. It healed up and I was on my way to getting back to normal, when another abscess came up. It wasn't as bad as the first, but I just didn't feel "right" - he thought that I was just exaggerating. It wasn't until I was admitted to the ER and had a CAT scan done that he realized I still really was sick. I know that's a pretty extreme example, but still. When he's sick I definitely try to make things a bit easier on him, do what I can just to lessen the load. It would be nice if the same courtesy was extended to me.

This. I don't know that I'd consider it an issue of difference in love languages to not be able to react to your spouses illness/pain with a "I'm sorry you're going through that." instead of an "Oh well, suck it up." I think the onus is on the partner who can't muster that modicum of empathy to figure it the fuck out, not on the other to just accept it.

flockofmoosen3 · October 2014

Just want to say my heart goes out to you. Marriage is hard enough and then you add children and it's that much harder. Not sure if you both have separate and "together" hobbies? Doing things separately gives you something to talk about and share with each other. It might ever be part of what you enjoy about each other. The together hobbies bring you... together, duh. My husband and I are starting to explore and play more board games together and that's a lot of fun. We work together to figure them out. Separately, I do crafts and hang out with other SAHMs. He is driving the board game thing at the moment but he typically gets super obsessed with some activity until he's pretty good at it.

And we have been having sex about 2x a week. It still hurts a little at first (why?) but then it's great. I'm not always in the mood but he and I both believe in the healing power of sexy time and it usually does relieve whatever tension is between us by time we're done.

FlemDance · October 2014

flockofmoosen said:

Just want to say my heart goes out to you. Marriage is hard enough and then you add children and it's that much harder. Not sure if you both have separate and "together" hobbies? Doing things separately gives you something to talk about and share with each other. It might ever be part of what you enjoy about each other. The together hobbies bring you... together, duh. My husband and I are starting to explore and play more board games together and that's a lot of fun. We work together to figure them out. Separately, I do crafts and hang out with other SAHMs. He is driving the board game thing at the moment but he typically gets super obsessed with some activity until he's pretty good at it. And we have been having sex about 2x a week. It still hurts a little at first (why?) but then it's great. I'm not always in the mood but he and I both believe in the healing power of sexy time and it usually does relieve whatever tension is between us by time we're done.

He's got outside hobbies (his motorcycle, jiu jitsu class, continuing to coach), but I don't have much. I quit coaching after last season, and am no longer am dancing myself. The only thing I have left that is mine is choreographing the school musical, which won't start until around December. I do love shopping, but we don't have much extra cash at the moment (babies are expensive?!). I also love to read so I do make some time for that. I would love to find a new hobby, just can't really think of anything that is fairly cheap. We do work together so we have that in common, but that means a lot of the time our convos are about LO or work.

flockofmoosen3 · October 2014

I hear ya on the shopping! It's my favorite.

Yeah, working together doesn't really count as a fun together hobby. Cheap ideas? Do you have good trails nearby to explore on the weekends? Or maybe try one of those sex position of the day calendars haha! Can you cook dinner together? (We can't. It turns into "you're not... ugh, let me do it" from me)

Sorry, I'm running blank here with specific ideas. But for you... do you like making things? I'm just getting into knitting. It's kinda cheap. If you join any local moms groups maybe they will be into letting you coordinate some casual children's dancing play groups. It could turn into something more later but it could be fun for you in the meantime. :-)

FlemDance · October 2014

No worries if it's "counsely" - I appreciate it!

I would say words of affirmation would be huge in my book. I'm pretty independent and have no problems taking care of myself, but just to be "heard" would mean the world. An offer of cooking dinner would be great, but not as much as just feeling like my feelings are acknowledged and valid.

FlemDance · October 2014

@flockofmoosen dinner is definitely out! He would heat up frozen pizza for every meal if it meant he had to cook all the time. Is it his favorite food? No. But, it's the easiest thing. Therefore, I make dinner, and I don't really have a problem with it. We're both avid TV watchers, so I thought about getting "invested" in a show neither of us have watched before? Not sure if that's the best of ideas though. For me, I have thought about getting into crocheting, pretty much so I can make scarves for myself, haha.

FlemDance · October 2014

@draculaspointer YES. Body image is a huge thing. But, DH doesn't tell me that I look good or anything like that, so I'm pretty self conscious.

hbird0723 · October 2014

It's been hard . This is our first and as everyone knows a big adjustment. We can't just do what we want any more and we haven't gone out just us since before H. One night he came home and said let's go out to eat and even though H came it was still really nice to actually go out and talk and not est at home. Maybe you could do that sometimes. I only have the one so maybe it would be harder with more. Also like pp said we try to at least once a week and even if I'm not that up for it I usually get surprised and it's sparked other times instead of just the once a week. One thing I've learned from my parents is to just be honest and talk about what you can do to fix it.
Also if there's a project around the house or something you both could work on together that might be fun. We always enjoy doing projects together there is almost always laughing and flirting going on.
We've also talked about doing a Friday night date night at home. Renting a movie and ordering pizza.

delatl · October 2014

The body issue is huge for me right now, too. I just don't feel very good about my appearance. Mostly, though, there's no time for intimacy. We could make it, but it falls to the bottom of the list. Like pps, I'm trying to view this as a temporary lull. I remember reading about how hard a new baby is on your marriage and kind of poopooing it. But I get it now. It's like not just one issue or barrier but a bunch all at once.

ho11yday · October 2014

Sex when you are busy is hard. Sex after kids is even harder.

I know personally that I was less interested in sex when I was using birth control. Consider looking at what could be affecting your drive: birth control, antidepressants, stress, etc.

As other people suggested, try scheduling it. I have made up my mind that no matter whether I'm feeling it or not, that I will engage in some form of intimate activity whenever I'm not working. For me, that is three to four times a week. It doesn't have to be sex; a lot of times it ends up being just making out in the shower.

(PS: I feel like I made this about what you are doing wrong--and that was not my intention. In my relationship, we both have had to make changes--I just feel better equipped talking about my changes than what DH had to do differently.)

Krisd6 · October 2014

I completely understand. Know that you are not alone. My husband and I have ha our tough moments too. We are trying to be more open and talk about it now but it's hard. We found we were critiquing each other all the time ad snapping at each other. It's not healthy and leads to resentment. Having the baby had been so wonderful but is an added stress on to a relationship. A friend told me one of the best pieces of advice she received was that you will want to divorce your husband at some point but that if ou can get through the first 6 mo and really be open honest and make time for just the two of you- it will get better!

Let's hope that happens for all of us!
In the meantime we are lucky to be able to vent here!

Sending you hugs!

thefussybunch · October 2014

I just wanted to add to please take some sort of action. All PPs have given great ideas. The worst thing you could do is nothing at all, IMO. DH and I have been together a very long time and went through a relationship crisis before DD. It was hell. I avoided and held things in for years until I burst. Worst thing I could've done.

gutsysneakers · October 2014

Bump.

Anyone have any luck finding the spark? I love my DH, but he does not seem to get that I am tired and I want to be in bed by 9:30 and I need some time alone. I drive DD to DC, go to work, pick DD up from DC, help with dinner/feed DD dinner, bedtime routine, and then wash pump parts. By 7:30/8pm, I just want some time alone. Weeknights suck.

gutsysneakers · October 2014

No, DC is literally less than a mile from my work. DH works in the opposite direction. I still nurse at night so I'm doing bedtimes. DH will wash up after dinner and prepare BM bottles for the next day while I'm doing the bedtime routine. He does diaper duty at night. He's great with helping out.

I suppose the issue is that I have almost zero sex drive and I'm tired so I go to bed earlier than DH. I know he's bored and probably lonely, but I don't know how to fix it.

gutsysneakers · October 2014

Are you hitting on me @becole42?

Seriously, though - yes, probably if it was scheduled. I feel like such a shitty wife.

bridetobe9132013 · November 2014

@MK1013‌ I am so sorry to hear about your uncle. This made me tear up. That is so true... live every day like its your last. Reminds me of "Live like you are dying" by Tim McGraw.

IBackBevo · November 2014

I have not read all the responses, but maybe a vacation away from the baby and some date nights away from the baby would help.

bossyferg · November 2014

MK1013 said:
I just wanted to chime in and say this...

Please, all of you, talk to your SO's, go to counseling, do something... Last week our uncle was killed in an accident. My aunt and him had a near perfect (because no ones perfect) marriage. They loved each other beyond words, they spent every minute they could together, showed affection, etc. They aren't even 50 years old. She is devastated. We are devastated. It's horrible. Seeing her so heartbroken has been one of the toughest things I've ever dealt with. You just never know when your time is done, so try and make things better today...

So sorry for yours and your family loss.
You are so right. Life is short and sometimes shorter than we think.

KBowen715 · November 2014

IBackBevo said:
I have not read all the responses, but maybe a vacation away from the baby and some date nights away from the baby would help.

This assumes there are others able to manage the brood of children. We are out of luck here.

bumpuser10194737 · November 2014

I just want to add that my DH and I have been through similar times over the course of our marriage, particularly in the past year. We did go through counseling, and it was a huge help. A neutral source who could help each of us pinpoint some things we needed to work on both together and individually really helped. Not sure of your religious beliefs, but we have also spent time a few evenings a week going through the Fierce Marriage blog, which is written from a Christian perspective. That has also helped a lot.

Schedule time together like others have mentioned, and talk, talk, talk about everything. It's totally normal to not always feel that "spark".

I can say that after going through the roughest year of our marriage, it is now better than ever, even with three little ones. :-)

Hang in there!

kendy20 · November 2014

things between DH and I have gotten much better as far as our spark coming back. We've also been to counseling very early on in our marriage. We got married when I was 19 (now 25) and the first two years were the roughest and counseling definitely helped us. We know that we can get through anything after all that. But right before LO arrived, we read a book called The Five Love Languages. Not sure if anyone has mentioned that on here or not. It helps identify the way your SO receives love and shows you how you can adjust your relationship to show each other love in your "language". Being more aware of those things has helped us a lot. Hope we all find our sparks :-)

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