Moms of two or more, come in!

TarheelMama202 · November 2014

I'm already thinking ahead to when #2 arrives, and I am really interested in hearing your advice. What is some of the most important advice you would give to someone as they transition from one child to two (or two to three, three to four...)? I already know this transition will be really challenging- I'm anticipating it being more challenging than going from none to one. So lay it on me.

kleigh926 · November 2014

Oh, going from none to one was hands down WAY more challenging for me than going from one to two. It's probably different for everyone, but this transition was much easier. You've already done it before so you know what to expect. I remember feeling like I didn't even know how to dress or bathe such a tiny baby with DD and being panicked if she'd start to cry in public. My anxiety was way down and my confidence much higher this time around.

Anyway.... I think the most important thing is not to expect too much of yourself. Your life will basically be consumed with taking care of two small children and yourself, and trying to fit in some housework if you can. Try to make time for yourself every day to recharge, even for just a little while. And remember that as much care as the newborn will need, your toddler needs attention too. I make an effort to spend time with just DD everyday so that she doesn't feel neglected. I also try to involve her in taking care of DS and talk to her about what we're doing so she feels like she's a part of it. Honestly, I am tired, but it hasn't been as bad as I expected with 2 very young children.

ericalee27 · November 2014

So I was the opposite of kleigh -- 0 to 1 was no problem for us, 1 to 2 about made me crazy. I will agree that the baby part of having a second felt really good - not second guessing things, knowing what I was doing. Compared to my maniac 2 yr old, the baby seemed easy - I knew he just wanted to be held, fed, etc.

I think the biggest thing for me was that I didn't fully comprehend the extreme way that my level of alone time or down time diminished. If I had made peace with that earlier, I think I would have been better off. With 1, DH and I could trade off very easily; when the baby naps, everyone is off, etc. When DS2 entered, DS1 had stopped napping so even if DS2 was napping, DS1 wasn't. A lot of times life was (and still is) a big game of whack-a-mole. I get one settled, the other needs something, etc. But I still think maybe my kids are just trying to drive me crazy and everyone else handles this fabulously 8-}

wifeofadam · November 2014

#1 - Lower your standards. Your house will never be as clean as you want it. You'll never accomplish all of your goals for the day. But as long as your kids are clean, fed, and loved, you've done your job and that's enough.

#2 - Learn to love a baby carrier. It may not be AS important for adding #2, but I'd say it's darn near essential for any babies after that, especially if they are close in age. Let the baby nap in the carrier and hang out as much as possible, to get them used to it. It will make everything from grocery shopping to dinner prep a million times easier because it's one less person to worry about - they'll be peacefully asleep. This is even better when they are old enough to move to your back. So not only are they quiet and asleep, but they are also out of the way. They are happy because they think they are being held. You're happy because you almost forget they are there.

#3 - Crockpot.

#4 - Realize that all of your fears are normal. Yes, you can love another baby as much as your first. As they say, you don't have to divide your heart, but your heart enlarges to make more room for another. Also, your toddler doesn't hate you. They may have a rough transition at first (and then again in a few months from my experience), but in the end, they will be SO happy to have a sibling. My kids are each others' best friends and would be lost without each other. So, they don't hate me for taking my attention away from them and only them. They love me for giving them another sibling to give them attention.

#5 - Enjoy it. Sometimes you're just so busy when you add another baby that you start wishing the moments away. You can't wait until at least one of them is out of diapers or you're sleeping through the night or whatever. But then suddenly they are older and you're kicking yourself for wishing that time away. My transition from one to two was definitely my hardest and I was stressed and crazed, but now I wish I could just go back and enjoy it. Enjoy the mess and the noise and the craziness. Because now my boys are getting older and it's all changing

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Poppy523 · November 2014

I am with Kleigh- BUT it has not even been a week so I don't really know what I am talking about. I was in the nicu at this point with L and suffering from some horrible PPD while recovering from a very bad labor and birth so almost anything is going to be happier for me.

I also agree with WoA because there baby carrier is my life. I wear M in there while I cook, clean and play. He also nurses nonstop so I nurse in there so L and I can play during that time.

And lastly, nap or at least lie down when your older one naps. Even if you just watch tv and snuggle your new one, it is a good time to recharge and just rest.

tamarar5 · November 2014

I agree with everything said, but for me, going from 0-1 was life changing, of course, from 1-2 was easy. But from 2-3 was the hardest. That said, I think it was the change from 1 baby to 2u2 that made or hard. I'd never had more than one time consuming, all attention demanding baby before, and suddenly, then I had two.

The biggest thing for me was learning all over how to go places ON TIME with two babies. No matter how much time I think I need, I always need more. I've started automatically doubling my time to go places. If I need to be somewhere at 10, I plan for leaving at 9. That gives me time to buckle two babies, make sure the diaper bag it's packed and in the car, and spend 20 minutes looking for my dear keys, which are usually right where I thought they were but couldn't see them.

Oh, asks I've also stayed keeping a few extra diapers and a change of clothing for both babies just always in the car, because invariably, the diaper bag is missing something. I've only had to break into that bag twice, but I was super glad it was there!

tamarar5 · November 2014

Auto correct while nursing strikes again...

brachysira · November 2014

A.J. is 7 weeks old and M is the Feb baby. We have the bouncy chair in the pack n play in the living room so M doesn't trip and fall on A.J. and so I can leave the room with both of them secure (she enjoys hitting him on occasion). We asked for help from our families during the early weeks. It wasn't ideal because M wanted mom, but at least she could get out of the house sometimes. I was able to rest, clean, and play with M for short periods while my dad held fussy A.J. DH took some time off, which was helpful--he also saved some time off so he can take off one morning/week. Families also helped because I had an unexpected c-section and A.J. had an unexpected 12 days in the NICU, and I wanted to be there everyday. We have a baby-sitter come for 2 hours on Tuesdays to take M to library storytime, which she loves, but is too crowded to take our newborn. I try to limit TV and i-phone use by M, but we watch Peppa Pig and play phonics games when I need a break or when things are just getting out of hand. We have some small new toys too--stickers, books, a puzzle, etc. that I pull out when I need her to chill. We try to go places that are safe for me to neglect either one of them for a few minutes--such as uncrowded parks, enclosed indoor play areas like at the museum, etc. Doing things with the moms' group helps because a mom with older kids can help you watch for trouble.

cinnasugar · November 2014

Mine are close to 2 1/2 years apart. I feel like the second time around, I had much more confidence, so I wasn't as nervous about having another baby. But oh, the first few months of having two were tough. I think for us it was the age difference. Everyone said that 2 1/2 years is good spacing, but it was really hard at first. Toddlers are demanding, and DD acted up quite a bit when the second one came around (a big one for her was biting). But it got a lot better after the first six months or so.

Having a second has also strained our marriage in different ways. Mostly because we need to be way more on top of things in the communication department, and I really needed to learn how to tell my husband when I just needed some time to myself to recharge. (I'm an introvert and really need that alone time.)

Having two is tough, but now the kids play together and every time they make each other laugh, I just love it.

Rosebean · November 2014

I agree with WoA about the carrier, its definitely saved my butt during some dinner/bedtimes when DH is working. Personally, I still pay for part time day care for 2-3 days a week when DH is working so that DS has time to get energy out and play with buddies and I can get my house somewhat clean.

But when it comes to dynamics of brother to sister, we used a lot of praise when DS is gentle. He gives her kisses and is very considerate (90% of the time- today when he threw a book in her direction and it landed on her head had me less than impressed). He has learned to touch her gently and we always say "gentle hands-good boy" and keep soft tones when he interacts with her. I believe we are really lucky that he's being good to her so far. But we keep encouraging it, and when he's too rough, we take him right back to "gentle hands" and praise him for the action. It's been a big saver, IMO for him being involved and happy and not displaced.

He was very whiny for the first 4-6 weeks. It was a huge change for him and he adjusted beautifully. But he also got yanked out of daycare for a couple weeks, then put into a new one at that time, so that could have played into it too. But like Kleigh, I found it was much easier being a mom the second time round. I dropped a lot of my "first time mommyisms" and it made my life much better (aka: sleeping with baby on my chest, putting baby down more and doing other things, etc.)

Amstreagle · November 2014

I broke the rules! Momma of 1 peeking and I'm glad I did. Great insight pps!

kelly321 · November 2014

Good tips - not much to add except that for me, as well, the switch from 0 to 1 was harder than 1 to 2. That was the case even though I had 2u2. I agree with vero about naps- try not to stress too much about it, although it's certainly worth getting them to nap on the same schedule. I remember I would sometimes cry in the afternoon/evening on days when they seemed to just tag-team naps because I just wanted 30 freaking minutes to myself to stare at the wall and not worry about a little person.

Tulips114 · November 2014

Not much to add either, as you have gotten some really good advice here. But I'll just throw in my 2 cents.

For us the transition from 1 to 2 was much harder then 0 to 1. Obviously it's different for everyone, but I had quite a bit of baby experience from my nephews and DD1 was a REALLY good baby, so maybe that's why 0 to 1 was easier for me. When DD2 was born DD1 was only 18 months old and it was hard. I just took it day by day (or even just hour to hour some days) and we found our groove and if got easier and easier as time went on. Just my experience.

Definitely agree with the carrier thing! I could get so much done with the baby in the carrier (cook, clean, laundry, play with DD1, go for walks, grocery shop).

Also, since newborns sleep a lot, I would keep DD2 on a blanket on the floor asleep in the living room and play with DD1. That way the baby was close, but DD1 was still getting some good (basically) one on one attention.

About the naps, from the very beginning I would always try to time it so that as soon as DD1 went down for her nap I would nurse DD2 in my room with it dark and quiet and we would lay down together. Of course it didn't always work out 100% of the time, but usually I could get her to sleep then and I could either nap or do whatever I needed/wanted to for at least an hour or so.

Definitely agree with toys or activities for your older LO that are ONLY for when you are nursing/feeding the baby. That helped so much. We have a little living area that has doors I can close off, so I would lock us in there so my toddler couldn't run all around the house, I would sit on the floor and nurse DD2 while I played with DD1 and those special items. Sometimes I'd also let her watch TV during that time, a 20 min bubble guppies was the perfect amount of time.

ally2011 · November 2014

I don't have two on the regular, but as a foster home, we periodically transition from one to two with a few hours notice, and then back again. My best advice is to not overthink this or worry too much about it. Kids are pretty adaptable and as long as you make sure you are purposeful about giving your DS extra snuggles and give him some "big brother" jobs to feel like part of the action, I think you will be fine. Like, let him bring you a bottle or blanket for the baby. Let him "play" with baby with baby on floor (supervised obviously for a bit) or "read" to baby. You could also get him a baby that he could dress when you dress baby or pretend to change diapers when you do or pretend to give a bottle when you do. Lots of praise when he helps and excitement over being a good big brother. My DD beams when she says "I fost sista" ("I'm a foster sister).

I am very type a, not super flexible and like to be in control. Foster care affords me none of those things so I have had to learn to be more go with the flow with kids. And honestly my DD has adapted fine each time.....and we don't do anything more than the above. If she starts to seem to need more attention, we just give it, and otherwise try to include her in as much as we can with baby care and love.

I would also say to get an Ergo if you don't have one already (or whatever baby carrier you like)....my DD did not like being carried, but I started too late. However, with foster babies I have worn them and it is awesome because I have been able to still take my DD on play dates with a mom group, to the Children's Museum, etc....in other words, making sure she still gets out without it being a huge fiasco. A back pack diaper bag is also great (I don't have one, I use something else when I have 2 that works the same way) so you can wear baby, have all of your gear and follow your toddler around hands free. Being compact and not dragging out a bunch of crap you don't need also helps

The real best advice is also to lower the bar in those first several months. Things won't be as clean or orderly as you might like, but you will find your rhythm and it won't be like that forever.

And truly, things will fall into place. Enjoy your pregnancy and this time with your DS as the only show in town. A new baby definitely changes things and adds some challenges, but I think it is way overblown sometimes to the point of causing stress and fear in moms to be of 2. You will do great!

mishka29 · November 2014

Helpful adivice! Thanks,

ally2011 · November 2014

When we went from 1 to 2 with 3 hours notice today here was how I prepared my dd..."dd, do you want a new baby to come live with us for a bit?"....."uh, yeah! I hold 'em". The end.

Rosebean · November 2014

kelly321 said:

Good tips - not much to add except that for me, as well, the switch from 0 to 1 was harder than 1 to 2. That was the case even though I had 2u2. I agree with vero about naps- try not to stress too much about it, although it's certainly worth getting them to nap on the same schedule. I remember I would sometimes cry in the afternoon/evening on days when they seemed to just tag-team naps because I just wanted 30 freaking minutes to myself to stare at the wall and not worry about a little person.

And with that being said, I've resigned myself to the fact that I only get "me time" starting around 9 pm at night when both kids are down. I hope Vero's right that it does come back, but it have a feeling this will only happen after we do sleep training. Right now, bedtime for both kids is running around 2 hours, by the time both are in pjs (or if it's bath night), read to, bottled/nursed and she takes forever to go down. Especially when she always has to tell me about her day before she actually goes to bed.

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