Having a Rough Time...Sorry I'm Being an AW....

Hollowvic · November 2014

As most of you know I started stims for my first and my only IVF cycle last Tuesday. I went for my 4 day monitoring appointment yesterday morning (after 3 days of stims) and apparently I'm not responding to the amount of meds I was on. So the nurse called me late yesterday afternoon and said my E level was a little low (whatever that means) so they doubled my dose of Bravelle, now I have 2 injections per night instead of one, and they are starting to hurt, my stomach is so sore. I am beyond upset. I feel like I'm not going to respond and now the 2 injections kind of just put me over the edge last night. The nurse made it sound like it was no big deal and that this is why they monitor and it's too early to be upset, but I don't believe her. Maybe I'm wrong but not responding well can't be a good thing, even if it is early on stims. This IVF is taking a huge emotional toll on me, more than I thought. I'm crabby, bloated, my skin is a mess, I'm gaining weight and my stomach and arms are full of bruises. To top it off, I'm fighting with my husband constantly. I'm getting 2 or 3 needles a day and he comes home and sits on the couch and drinks beer and goes about his stress free life. I know, I know think positive, if one more person tells me to think positive they might just get a throat punch. I've actually started taking a Xanax here and there, my anxiety is so bad and my doctor said if it helps get me through he has no problem with me taking it. Then of course I worried the Xanax is affecting the stims, I literally worry over every aspect of this process. I've been a little MIA the past day or two, but I thought I'd post and see if anyone has any insight on not responding to stims early on. I feel like I"m so stressed that it's going to ruin this cycle. Just looking for thoughts....I'm a huge stress ball and no matter what I do, I can't not stress and worry.

williegsocks · November 2014

I have not had experience with what you're going through, but I wanted to offer some support. You have absolutely every right to feel the way that you do. TTTC is already awful and stressful enough, but you are really being put through the ringer. I'm not going to tell you to stay positive because trust me I understand that when things are going wrong sometimes you just need to take in all of the emotions that you're feeling and soak in them for awhile. As awful and terrible as everything may seem right now, time will continue and you'll look back on this and you'll be in a better place in your life. I wish I had something scientific and a prior experience to comfort you!

Also, I totally get your frustration with your DH...I honestly felt like mine just did. not. get. it. when I was going through my MMC and D&C and I thought we would never make it through, but 2 weeks later and I'm looking back realizing that as time moves on the pain does too.

I am adding you to my prayer list and keeping my fingers x that everything works out this cycle! (HUGS)

chicory · November 2014

@Hollowvic‌, buddy! What did I tell you before? You're going to get through this (I didn't say be positive, no TP please!) There is plenty of time for your ovaries to get their asses in gear. My E2 took a little while to start climbing, and I've read about several ladies on here who had the same fears as you and they ended up responding. Have you talked to your DH about how this all is making you feel? Men can only empathize so much, but he does need to try to support you...maybe he just doesn't know what to do? I hear you on the meds - they made (and are still making) me feel gross, but try to grit your teeth and power through this. More needle pokes?! Pssh, you got this! What is your "thing" to destress? Time to indulge yourself - I had THEE shittiest day yesterday and I'll admit it, what I needed was to mope, eat candy, cook, and sleep. Today I went for a walk and rented a movie and took my dogs to the dog park. Whatever makes you feel better, be it sleeping, shopping, exercise, reading...you need to do that thing today! Take care of yourself!

Hollowvic · November 2014

My husband was really supportive when we first started the IVF cycle but the past week he's just being a jerk!!!! Yesterday when he got home from work he actually gave me a hug and I could tell he genuinely felt bad for me, I was a mess, I had just gotten the phone call from the nurse, so he isn't horrible but he just doesn't get it.

@chicory I also walk when stressed but in NJ it's like a monsoon today, cold, rainy and windy, so walking isn't an option. I ate enough Halloween candy yesterday for a year. I see your ET is tomorrow, good luck.

chicory · November 2014

You and me both! The weather here is better than yesterday, but it was so nasty yesterday I decided I wasn't going anywhere, so me and the 4# of candy I bought for the trick-or-treaters had our own little date. I didn't eat 4#, but like you say, I ate enough for a year and never even turned the light on for the kiddos. I hope your weather clears up soon so you can get out of the house.

BunnyBerry · November 2014

I'm so sorry.

That's so unfair, no one should have to go through that, especially having double the needles from what you had been expecting.

Perhaps post on IF or even PAIF to see if other women needed an upped dose to start responding, but ended up responding well? (I'm sure they have!)

DH's suck sometimes! Mine was so obnoxious today, he's a month overdue for an SA for the urologist and can get his hCG refill until he does it, so I mentioned it for the first time to him today (when he's gone a month without the meds), and he freaked out about it and said that hearing about baby-related stuff just makes him less interested in IF treatment. Ugh, grow up! They are so weak and ridiculous.

Do you think YH would be open if you asked him for something very specific you needed, such as, "Okay, I hate having to suffer through these needles because it makes me feel totally alone in all this suffering. I'd feel better if you would do xyz for every needle I had to take." xyz might be a 10-minute massage, $5 toward a giftcard for your fav clothing store or cafe, etc.Or even, he has to do something to make you laugh and feel better - and it's his responsibility to make sure it's funny enough to make you laugh, whether it's acting silly, telling a joke, or finding a hilarious YouTube video.

emmuffy · November 2014

I didn't show a strong response to stims until day 8. I ended up with 8R, 5M (not totally unexpected given my low AMH). Good luck! I know it's a hard process. I found that going for a 20 minute walk each day at lunchtime helped me stay calm (for the most part). Be good to yourself during this difficult time.

lebradford · November 2014

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I'm completely with you about hating when people say to think positively. As if that alone will make all of your troubles go away. No.

I also have anxiety and I'm a few days behind you in my cycle, but I can feel your pain some already. Even just going in for baseline was more stressful for me than I anticipated and I think it's going to be a rough month. If you ever want to message back and forth, I'd be happy to.

As for your lower response, I want to reassure you a little. In terms of this impacting your cycle, I think you're fine. That's why they have you come in so early in an IVF cycle. For me, I only had 1 follicle on 75iu of FSH for an IUI and they're just starting me at 200iu for IVF. I've been pretty worried that it's not nearly enough, but to me it's actually reassuring that they might increase my dose significantly after a few days. I say that to offer a different perspective, but not to discount the way you are feeling at all. I can see how, especially if you weren't expecting it, a dose increase might seem like bad news, especially if it brings more shots.

One way I've been trying to cope with my anxiety and all of my other feelings is to remind myself that even though it seems like these feelings are all-consuming, this is actually a really temporary part of my overall life. This doesn't always help, but sometimes it does, so I thought I'd share.

((hugs)) Try to put yourself first. You're going through a lot.

Hollowvic · November 2014

@lebradford thank you, I know we're very close with our cycle. I didn't think something like going in for my baseline appointment would stress me so much either. I think between it's going to be a rough next month also, but I just keep thinking, it will all soon be over.

mshandlebar · November 2014

I wish you didn't have to deal with all of this. Your stress level is completely understandable, and I think the only thing you can do is not get into a stress feed back loop. You are going to be stressed out and frustrated and upset, so try not to worry about how the feelings are going to impact your cycle.

You are a tough cookie! I don't know how I would deal with having that many injections, and I can only imagine how stressful an IVF cycle is. I am really sorry your dose had to be upped, and I hope your body starts responding soon. And, DHs can be super obnoxious sometimes. Its hard when one partner is going through so much and the other one is pretty much on the sidelines. I think it is completely within reason to rage on your hubby a little. Sometimes that is the only thing that will make MH understand what I need from him. Good luck and I hope it gets better soon.

Hollowvic · November 2014

I have kind of been MIA from this board the past couple of days, not sure why, but after posting this I realize how you guys always ease my anxieties and are so supportive. It helps so much to know I'm not alone, which is how I feel in my life right now. Thanks for always being awesome

SND1231 · November 2014

I just wanted to drop in and say hang in there. I am so sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Take some time to yourself and do something that makes you happy. I don't have any advice on response to stims but wants to say I am praying for you.

Waterlily234 · November 2014

I'm sorry too....that physical uncomfortableness sounds awful. All things just suuuuuck sometimes. I hope you get better soon.

ronniesgirl1981 · November 2014

Big hugs! This shit is hard. And it just has to be a little easier if your RE is super pleased with your progress. I'll am sending growing vibes your way and hoping for some good news.

Ann612 · November 2014

No amount of thinking positive is going to make injections hurt less or your body to respond the way you want it to. My heart really goes out to you - that is a lot to go through, and it is so stressful. Does your DH really know what you are going through emotionally? I imagine it would be a little more helpful if he came home and like, rubbed your neck or did some laundry, or anything to try to make you feel a little better. Try talking to him.

Otherwise, FX this round is successful. Keep us posted, we will be thinking about you.

Hollowvic · November 2014

I'm acting going to take a Yoga class tomorrow, anything to help with the stress.

lebradford · November 2014

@Hollowvic Have you ever tried Circle + Bloom? I'm not very into that kind of thing normally, but I've been doing it for a few weeks already and it's been very helpful in getting me to physically relax my body so I can mentally relax enough to fall asleep at night, which can be a big struggle of mine.

theholmanherd · November 2014

I've been (mostly) MIA the last few days also, but I wanted to come in and offer you support. I've never gone through IVF, but I feel for you on the physical and emotional pain. {BIG HUGS}. I know you'll get through this, but I don't expect you to be positive. How could anyone expect positivity from someone who has dealt with so much disappointment before? No, I don't expect you to be positive. That being said, you are strong and you will fight through the pain and get to the other side of this. That, I do expect.

I'm here if you ever need anything. PM me and I will respond as soon as I can.

lebradford · November 2014

NariaDreaming said:
@lebradford- I'm glad circle+bloom is working for you. I don't know if it's my ADD, but I couldn't hold back the giggles while listening to the preview.

I have however been listening to my IVF playlist and just having quiet time with my ovaries every day, LOL

@NariaDreaming Yeah, parts of it are definitely a bit over the top for me. It's actually very outside what I'd normally try. I guess IF makes you try lots of crazy things you never thought you'd do though. ;-) I like the idea of focusing on each body part, purposefully relaxing, etc. Something about her voice just puts me right to sleep! I know I'm "doing it wrong" because I always fall asleep before it's over. But, sleep is hard for me, so I'll take it! (I never drive a car while doing it though. Lol! That part always cracks me up.) I like your idea though!! I think whatever can help us chill through this this good.

Hollowvic · November 2014

@lebradford‌ I'm going to try circle + bloom, a few pp have mentioned it.

lebradford · November 2014

If you haven't purchased already, look for coupon codes!

Hollowvic · November 2014

Thanks I'll look for coupon codes also.

Hollowvic · November 2014

I'm going to look into it asap!!!

lebradford · November 2014

There's one just for IUI/IVF cycles too. That's the one I have. :-)

dancerspose · November 2014

I'm so sorry I didn't see this until today, and I am even sorrier for the stress you're experiencing. Not having been in any sort of similar situation myself, I have no words of wisdom to offer, but I did want to stop by to give you my support and HUGS!

WishUponAChild · November 2014

My heart goes out to you sweetie

Hollowvic · November 2014

rainbowbridge14 said:

Hollowvic said:

Thanks I'll look for coupon codes also.

If you haven't found it already, I got a coupon code from someone else and can PM it to you if you need it.

Thank you, I actually found a coupon code. I'll let you know if it helps.

EmeJay · November 2014

I just want to offer you hugs

This shit sucks. If all it took was to "think positive" no one would be here.

I suffer from bad anxiety too and even though I didn't believe at all in it, I found acupuncture to be really soothing.

ecotime47 · November 2014

I'm praying for you today. Hang in there!

TLooney17 · November 2014

Sorry you are having a rough time! When I had my baseline and they found the cyst that caused my cycle delay, I was really upset. Everyone wanted to give me a response like "oh it will be ok" or "it's not meant to be right now". I just wanted to scream, and I needed to be upset. I needed to worry. I felt much better after about a day, but I hate when people tell you how to feel. What you are going through is super stressful and any little hiccup is understandably upsetting. Try to take care of yourself and trust that your RE has done this before and knows what he/she is doing. Sorry about your DH. Men really just have a different perspective on all of this. I honestly think that they think the side effects from the meds are in our head or something. Just try letting him know that you need a little extra support right now.

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