Insight needed- how do I announce the birth of my child to a dear friend who had a baby born still?

Lisa & Mario · September 2014

Hello, I hope it's ok that I came here for some much needed insight from women who will understand what my best friend has been going through. She gave birth to a baby girl born sleeping at 37 weeks just 4 months ago. I am due to give birth to a baby girl in 2 months. If I am lucky enough to leave the hospital with a healthy daughter (something I do not take for granted), what is the most sensitive way for me to let my friend know that she has been born? This is my best friend for the past 27 years. Until now, there has been nothing we didn't go through together. Of course, I can't understand how she feels, and I don't pretend to. Since her loss, she has stopped asking me about my pregnancy, and I don't offer new information because I want to be sensitive to her feelings. She has told me that seeing other women with babies is extremely hard for her right now. She also told me that she feels like she's a bad friend for not being excited for her other friends who are new moms. This will be my second child, and she loves my first one dearly, and still asks about him. So, what do I do? Wait for her to ask? I can't tell if announcing the birth or keeping it from her would hurt her more. Thank you in advance for any advice you're willing to give.

KMW08 · September 2014

Since she's a really good friend, I would definitely tell her. Be thoughtful of when you tell her, if you know she's at work, I would wait until later in the day. Let her know when you know she will have time to escape and be able to cry in privacy.

I'm not her, but as close as you seem to be, I think not telling her would hurt more. It sounds like you're an understanding friend, but don't take it personal if she isn't happy about the birth - she's happy for you, but grieving for herself at the same time.

Mom2anAngel2 · September 2014

You may also consider telling her in an e-mail and mentioning that you know that it may be difficult news for her to hear, but that you wanted her to hear it from you and not someone else. This gives her time to process your news privately, and allows her to reach out on her own timetable. I know that this helped me after we lost our son. When confronted in person I had to try and pretend that it didn't hurt, but hive the time to process things, I was able express happiness and really mean it.

Yaz14 · September 2014

I agree with PP. I think not telling her would potentially hurt her more. I would probably make sure she is alone and quietly let her know. Reiterate that you know she is grieving but you didn't want her to feel hurt if you didn't tell her about the birth which is why you decided to tell her. She will most likely not be excited but you know why that is and you sound like a very sensitive and kind friend. GL.

kflynn81 · September 2014

First of all, I would like to say that I'm sure your friend appreciates the fact that you are taking her feelings into account. In my case, I'd be po'ed either way if my friend told me about the birth or didn't tell me. I'm a hot mess these days and I cant guarantee what will set me off. Not really knowing your friend, in my opinion I agree with the others to tell her but email/text would be best. If she's like me and upset by the news, but doesn't want to make you feel bad about it, its best she reacts in private. So sorry for your friend's loss and t's and p's to you for a safe delivery of your LO.

luciddreamer106 · September 2014

I agree with PP and think you're already a step ahead for being concerned about her feelings. Don't take it personally if she doesn't talk to you for a little while or seem excited. She might be upset, but I'm sure she's happy for you. Telling her at a time when she will be likely be home and have time to process the news before going out in public would be a good idea.

chicagojackie · September 2014

I have not had a baby stillborn so I would defer to those above; however I think an important additional point is to HOLD OFF ON THE SOCIAL MEDIA after the birth of your baby. Especially since there will be people you will want to tell carefully and personally such as your friend. You may need to get bossy with people in the delivery room to cool it with the iphones or to put away the iphones or whatever.

Another suggestion may be to let her know (maybe via text?) when you're in labor or headed to the hospital for induction and ask if she would like an update when the baby is born or if she would rather check in with you at some other time. Maybe that way the whole thing wouldn't "blindside" her as much and she would be "more prepared." I don't know though I am just making that one up.

nbkist · September 2014

A little different but my best friend of over 20 years gave birth one week before I did when I lost my son. Her and I had a talk about how important our friendship was to each other. I told her I loved her but just couldn't be around her baby right now. She understood and said she would wait for me and be other when I was ready. It has been three months and I have only seen her baby twice. I feel guilty that I am missing out on this time in her and her sons life....but a true friend understands. I also have to add that I have questioned why other people get healthy babies they get to take home and not me buy I can honestly say I never felt that towards her in any way because it isn't something you would want to imagine towards someone you care about. I also can say I hate when people don't tell me stuff because they think it will upset me. Please leave that decision up to me.,

christia10 · September 2014

I have had a few losses. My BFF texted me the info. I actually preferred it this way. I was and am thrilled for her and I love her very much. But I didn't want to put on the brave face. This allowed me to cry it out. Yes I was jealous...(I think). Its not that I was sad she was PG but I think I just felt like a failure in that moment. I always thought we'd be moms together. Instead it was her and me throwing her shower (which I loved) but I just needed a couple days.

Lisa & Mario · September 2014

These are such helpful responses! Thank you so much for helping me cause my friend as little pain as I can. I think I will text her when I know she's home from work and it's just her and her husband. No picture, no length/weight details. Just letting her know because she is truly a part of my family. And I will be sure to tell her that I understand if she needs time before we talk. She lives a few hours away now so visiting won't even come up. I'm going to keep checking this thread in case anyone else gives me advice. I truly appreciate it! Best of luck to all of you.

shandorfml2 · September 2014

aragosta said:

I remember being simultaneously relieved that someone's baby was born safely and then angry that mine wasn't. Actually, still have some residual feelings on that. I agree telling her over text or email or something that she doesn't have to respond immediately. You are sweet to think of her feelings.

I agree with this. There were like 4 babies born the few months following the loss of my daughter. I was relieved they were ok, but upset and jealous. I agree with PP that telling her would hurt less than not telling her. I had friends who did not speak to me because they were pregnant and didn't want to hurt me. That hurt a lot. She needs her friends right now. Just letting her know through an email or text, where she can be able to react the way she would like in private. I also wouldn't send a pic unless she requests it.

It shows how much`you care about your friend by posting here. Ladies who have been through what we have need good friends like you!

Lisa & Mario · November 2014

Thank you all again for your guidance. I followed your recommendations, and from what I can tell, my friend appreciated the way I told her and was able to express her happiness for me. Thank you!!

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Insight needed- how do I announce the birth of my child to a dear friend who had a baby born still?

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