Sorry for the AW. Death in the family.

kefttsc · October 2014

Sorry for the AW, but needing some advice from my favorite ladies....

DH's grandmother just passed away. They were quite close. We were able to visit her today, even though she didn't seem to know we were there. All of his siblings visited today as well and it was almost like she was waiting for everyone to come and say their goodbyes. She was almost 91 and was quite the spitfire. Just two weeks ago, we visited her and she wanted to show us that she didn't need the walker and that she could prance up and down the hallway by herself. Of course she almost fell about ten times, but she was so funny!

Your advice comes in when it comes to how to treat DH right now. We've been together for ten years and this is the first time he's had a death in the family. I don't generally have good bedside manner and I'm not sure what to do for him. Any advice?

We discussed this scenario this morning, getting it in our heads that his sisters and mom probably won't be at the baby shower this weekend if she passes. I don't know what to say about that or even really how I feel myself about that.

I don't really know how to feel or act at all right now to be honest. I'll take all the advice you have to give. Sorry this turned into a "dear diary".....

jennjilljo · October 2014

That's awful. I'm so sorry for the loss you, YH and his family have suffered. My family handles everything with humor but I don't recommend that. All you cam really do is be there for him and his family and help out where you can even if that just means cooking dinner for them or listening to stories. It's so difficult to help someone else through this kind of tragedy and loss. You guys will be in my thoughts.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

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lizjennings81 · October 2014

I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

My husband was close to his grandfather. When he passed, I asked my husband if he wanted to share stories about his grandfather with me. He did and that seemed to bring him a lot of comfort.

This may be the first time you've faced this, but you've been together for 10 years. I think instinct will take over and you'll know what to offer when he needs it. My advice is to remind him you're there for him, but give him space if it takes him a while to share. I gauged my husband's mood and would offer hugs, a beer, a funny story from my day based on what I saw. In the end: just be there for him.

foxslaw · October 2014

I think you should just be open and available to him. I don't know which love language you guys use, but maybe do a couple extra small things for him this week, just to show you care. Is there something small you could offer to do to commentate her with this pregnancy? To remind him that although he has lost one loved one, soon he'll get two new ones!

CatLadyTX · October 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with PP, being available to him is what he probably needs most right now.

kefttsc · October 2014

You guys are the best. Thanks. The hardest part is not having the "poor you" face on all the time. I feel so bad for him and his family.

He just called me and asked that I set up a meal train, so I'm hoping he will handle it by asking me to do THINGS since that is my strength. Is two weeks enough time to have meals sent? The funeral home is coming tonight to get her body and things will be discussed with them tomorrow. The actual funeral will be in FL so they will be out of town for a period of time. Wait, I can't do the meal train for those times......ugh, I need to wait on setting it up and maybe just take dinner to them myself tomorrow until we know dates.

pitdigger · October 2014

I'm sorry for your loss. DH lost his father almost two years ago, and all I can say from experience is to be there and be ready to pick up what needs doing (emotionally as much as anything). Work to your strengths in this as well.

kefttsc · October 2014

Thanks ladies. I went with comfort food that I can make on demand when he gets home late tonight (grilled cheese and tomato soup). I think I'll make brownies too. I already cleaned the kitchen for some reason. I think that may have been what I needed for myself to get out some nervous anxious energy....

mishka29 · October 2014

I'm sorry for your loss. DH's grandmother died this year as well but it was not unexpected and everyone had time to prepare.

lizzybean · October 2014

Im so sorry for your family's loss kefttsc.

I don't have any advice, you know him best. I would just be there for him, and ask him once in a while if there is anything you can do for him. And lots of hugs and snuggles. I'm really sorry.

foxslaw · October 2014

kefttsc said:
Thanks ladies. I went with comfort food that I can make on demand when he gets home late tonight (grilled cheese and tomato soup). I think I'll make brownies too. I already cleaned the kitchen for some reason. I think that may have been what I needed for myself to get out some nervous anxious energy....

Sounds like a great plan! That plus some extra cuddles will probably be just what the doctor ordered.

ckimberley14 · October 2014

PPs have covered everything I could think of! So sorry for your DH's loss. Sounds like you already know how to be there for him during this sad time. Hugs!

Paleomama · October 2014

I'm so sorry. All these girls have some great input. I would feel he really just needs someone to listen and be there for him.

krysmill · October 2014

I'm so sorry for your family's loss! When my DH father passed away that was the first loss he has ever experienced and it was hard for me to see him so hurt. I felt like there was nothing I could say or do to help him. But I just told him I loved him a lot, hugged him a lot over the week and just let him know I was there when ever he wanted me. T&P!

CogDis · October 2014

When I've had losses in the past I've always found it very helpful when people respected my need to be alone or ignore the death and those who actually planned activities to help me "take my mind off of it". Loosing someone is overwhelming and some people need an escape from it.

That said, a person can't be all things for all people (or even for one person). Just caring in the way you care best will be appreciated and helpful.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Hugs!

freegiraffe · October 2014

I'm so sorry. I think others have covered it: be there for him, be helpful, be willing to distract him if that's what he wants or share memories if he wants to talk about her.

BeckyP005 · October 2014

So very sorry for your loss. The other ladies have given great advice. MH does not show his feelings either and withdrew when his grandparents passed away within a month of each other. I know what you mean about not knowing what to do/say/act.

Sounds like you know how to help him from what your saying. Big huge hugs!

erobbins09 · October 2014

So sorry for your loss. And great advice from pp's. I think comfort food is a great idea. Just being there and being someone to lean on is huge. Just watch him to gauge what he needs. Does it seem like he needs to talk? Or maybe that he needs to just be quiet and think? Giving him a pass on some of his usual responsibilities and stepping up (like randomly cleaning the kitchen) is huge. When you feel like part of your world is in chaos don't underestimate the power of a nice clean organized home to come home to.
I think that one of the hardest things with difficult times is when you have celebrations planned around the same time. It's a tough thing to balance but I do hope that even without your MIL and SIL there you are able to still enjoy your shower to it's fullest.

smg2302 · October 2014

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I completely agree with other PP's responses. I just want to add that you need to be kind to yourself too. After ten years, I'm pretty sure your husband knows what your bedside manner looks like, so sticking with the things you are comfortable with, IMO, is perfectly okay. If you don't have "sympathy face" on 24/7, I think he already knows that about you, so don't beat yourself up about it. The fact that you care enough to ask us shows how much this means to you. I'm sure your caring and concern comes out in other ways that you don't even notice.

triplej9 · October 2014

Sorry for your loss. I feel like other PP's have given great advice.

lorifromwi · October 2014

I don't have any additional advice for you, but you all will be in my T&P. ((hugs))

chicagojackie · October 2014

Just love him and let him grieve however he needs to. Now is not the time in my opinion to "grieve on him" regarding your feelings about his grandmother's loss. I would lean on a girlfriend for support so you can be there for him in whatever way that is. You don't have to mother him or whatever, but just be available. I'm sorry that you will likely have less people at your baby shower, however, no big deal. They will be there to help you along with your twins for many years to come hopefully.

Hugs and T&P to you. This is never easy (even if you feel like you "know" what to do!)...

kefttsc · October 2014

Thank you all, ladies. We had lunch with the whole family today and they are all bright eyed and bushy tailed with a positive attitude, etc. I really get the feeling they are relieved for her, that she isn't in pain anymore. Apparently my MIL called my sister about 5 minutes before the grandmother died and said that NO MATTER WHAT we were still having the shower and that it would be a nice release. What a wonderful family.

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