How to fill in the In-Laws?

wifeofafarmer · October 2014

No one knows we are trying, or that we are getting our referral to a RE (today!) except my best friend & my aunt who had similar trouble & is a pediatric nurse practioner. Because we work with DH's parents & live next door to them, we're going to have to tell them unfortunately. For all the other testing we were able to "sneak" around but with the RE's office being 5 hours away, that's no longer an option. Here's my concern. My family dynamics & DH's are really different. Although I'm close to both my MIL & FIL I have left their house disappointed or hurt when going over to ask their advice on things (building a house & running for office, for example). They just don't give it, even when specifically asked. They are amazing people but say little & show even less emotion, which is not how I was raised. Not that there is anything wrong with that, its just still a foreign concept to me even now. I try to go in without any expectations but still have had my feelings hurt in the past. Any advice on what to say/not to say regarding this situation? Or how to handle it? It's too big of a situation for me to go in blindly & DH is used to it & doesn't have any suggestions.

FWIW, we've decided to wait to tell my parents since my parents have enough to deal with my dad's health issues.

I hope I didn't ramble too much. Thanks in advance ladies.

LindseyM2012 · October 2014

I don't have much specific advice about what to say and how the conversation should go, but I would just tell you to stay realistic about your expectations as far as their response goes. It sounds like you're already expecting a less than emotional response from them. And like you said, there is nothing wrong with that and it is just the way they operate. It is ok for you to be hurt a little, but don't hold that against them either. Maybe even say a little bit of, "I know this might be uncomfortable and a lot of people don't know how to respond to this situation, but we're letting you guys know so you don't wonder why we're taking long day trips and because we don't want to worry you." If you are looking for a specific type of support from them, tell them. If you're just wanting to keep them in the loop, tell them that too. Sometimes people need to be told how you expect them to respond to unfamiliar and possibly uncomfortable situations.

wifeofafarmer · October 2014

@BlueFairy5‌, I WISH we had our RE appointment today. We should get the official referral & appointment set today. I guess I got a little too zealous & didn't make that very clear.

Thank you both, @LindseyM2012‌ & @BlueFairy5‌. I guess I was hoping there was some magical phrase that has helped others.

ETA: words are hard

mshandlebar · October 2014

I agree with @BlueFairy5‌ @LindseyM2012‌. Managing your expectations sounds like a necessary precaution. Maybe script out what you want to say. Also, let them know what kind of support you need. If you are concerned about how their reaction will make you feel, don't give them a chance to respond right away. Let them know before you start that you want to give them time to process before discussing it further. I hope they surprise you in the end, but if you don't get the response you want from them, you will always get support here!

Good luck with the RE!

LindseyM2012 · October 2014

wifeofafarmer said:

@BlueFairy5‌, I WISH we had our RE appointment today. We should get the official referral & appointment set today. I guess I got a little too zealous & didn't make that very clear. Thank you both, @LindseyM2012‌ & @BlueFairy5‌. I guess I was hoping there was some magical phrase that has helped others. ETA: words are hard

If you find the magical phrase, please share it with the class! Maybe a magical phrase would make me more comfortable telling people. Like @mshandlebar said, I hope they surprise you!

dominicandreamer · October 2014

I'm sorry you're going through this @LindseyM2012. Even though they live right next door, would it help to write them a letter or email explaining to them what you want them to know? That way you don't have to sit face to face expecting any particular reaction. Not sure if that's a good or even possible solution but it might be something to consider. Otherwise I like what @Mrshandlebar said about letting them know you'll give them time to swallow it. Either way, I wish you luck and hope that they can be a good source of support going forward. :::hugs:::

SuzyHomemaker07 · October 2014

I agree with other responses. Start the conversation out by letting them know you don't need a response or advice, that you just want to let them know things have gotten a bit more serious and you'll be traveling for medical treatment. Tell them you are seeing a specialist at the recommendation of your OB- (so that part wont be negotiable). Let them know its been hard for you guys to get to this point and you would appreciate support. Maybe wait to tell them until you have met with an RE and have some answers? Can you fudge it and have them not know you went the first few times?

I think telling them exactly what you do and don't need is the ticket. If they don't seem to offer up much anyway, at least you might not get the stupid cliché responses like 'it will happen, stop trying', etc.

I hope it goes well, let us know how they take it.

wifeofafarmer · October 2014

Thanks @SuzyHomemaker07‌. No, unfortunately there really isn't a way for us to fudge that we'll be gone. It looks like I'll have a few more days to practice my speech. OB/GYN just called me & gave me a last name of the dr, no name of the clinic & said it will be Monday bc the nurse who does the referrals will be gone & they are closed on Fridays!

ShellyR · October 2014

I don't have specific advice but I wanted to send you my well wishes. I would be in a similar boat with my midwestern in-laws, but I live half a country away, so I can keep all of our IF stuff protected for now. I hope you are able to tell them in a way that makes you feel safe and protected.

BunnyBerry · October 2014

I'm sorry they're warm/open in a way that feel more supportive. That sounds so hard, especially since they're the parents right next door and it would be amazing if that could be a closer relationship.

My suggestion would be to make it very matter-of-fact - "Hi mom and dad, we haven't been able to get pregnant for xx months which means that we have slim chances without help from a specialist. We'll be visiting Dr. xx, a reproductive endocrinologist, in xx city on occasion as part of our testing and treatment." And then it's up to them if they want to make more of a conversation/connection about it? I wouldn't actually ask them for a certain kind of support. Since you know they are likely not to be comfortable with what you two want/need, I wouldn't even ask for it, and just let things progress naturally. Maybe after a while they'll ask how it's going or other questions and then you would feel good that they were thinking about it?

kushie77 · October 2014

I'm sorry you are struggling with this.

We have the opposite problem that my MIL is an oversharer and always makes every situation about her. What we did was just tell her that we were having trouble TTC and we were seeing a specialist. We didn't offer anymore info. She tried to get more details from us, but we held our ground and expressed that while we appreciated her concern some things are meant to be held private in our marriage.

Good Luck I hope things go well when you approach them with this.

mrskimmell · October 2014

Go in honestly, tell them "We need to talk to you guys about something that is going on in our lives right now. It's important that you hear what we have to say. Everything that we are doing we have already decided to do, but we want you guys to know and be involved." Let them know that this is a sensitive subject for you guys. The only way for them to know that you are still walking on egg shells about ttc is the only way they can know they should do the same. Sadly though I am really the last person who should give you advice as we are still in the TTC closet, even after I had surgery no one knows. it's SO much easier to give advice about it then to do it your self, I completely understand what you are going through. I really hope the best for you guys, just know that it's your choice to go through and pursue the RE and Dr. and everything else. No one else can change that decision for you guys. Know in your gut this is what will help you conceive, don't let their lack of emotions hinder this for you guys. It's y'all marriage and I'm sure they will understand that. I wont tell you not to stress since I know you'll do it anyway. Just clarify even before you tell them what is going on that this is hard for you to come out and tell people. Let them know only certain people know what's going on with you guys and you are keeping it that way for a reason. You can tell them why you don't want to make to much of a public announcement and just feel confident knowing that once you do tell them what is going on there wont be any miss understanding about where you are going to which doc and why. Having that honest relationship with them, maybe even sneak in there that you need their emotional support on this, may help open a new chapter in you relationship with the in laws. That being said that doesn't mean they will suddenly change, they are who they are and you have to love them for that, just as they love you for who you are and who their son married. Sorry if I'M now rambling I really hope this helps and I really hope you guys and talk openly to them about this. =] Good luck let everyone know how it goes.

wifeofafarmer · October 2014

Thanks ladies! Unfortunately it's going to be a few more days until we tell them. OB/GYN's office is being a pain & only giving me bits & pieces each day when they call after hours...so I have to wait until Monday to get something set up, unless I can find the Dr on my own in the City, with no first name or clinic name & only a last name that she *thinks* is how it's spelled. Stupid, stupid, stupid

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How to fill in the In-Laws?

Re: How to fill in the In-Laws?

March 2014 - RE appt.
April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormal
May 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm

12/2014- Surprise natural BFP EDD 7/31/15 Plan: Starting foster to adoption, natural cycles

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How to fill in the In-Laws?

Re: How to fill in the In-Laws?

March 2014 - RE appt. April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormalMay 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm

12/2014- Surprise natural BFP EDD 7/31/15 Plan: Starting foster to adoption, natural cycles

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

March 2014 - RE appt.
April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormal
May 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm