Husband wants a divorce...

fairydirtssister · October 2014

I don't know what to do. When I was pregnant with our first he cheated and now that i am pregnant with our second he decides that he wants a divorce. I have been very sick with this one and extremely tired. What on earth am I supposed to do. My daughter is 11 months right now and I am due June 3rd. On top of that i am completely stressed that the stress of this will effect baby #2. My daughter is completely fine. She was born with no birth defects even with the stress from him cheating. But what if this one has something wrong???? Thanks for letting me vent...

brody624 · October 2014

I have no words or advice... just sending t&p your way...

hswan26 · October 2014

Wow. I'm sorry you're going through this but he sounds likea complete jerk. You're probably better off without him. Do you have family and friends nearby for support?

andreap525 · October 2014

I might be overstepping but he sounds like a dick and is not ready to be a grown up. You have to do what's best for your daughter and unborn baby - give him his ridiculous divorce. He doesn't sound like he's going to be a good father, husband. You and your children deserve better than that. I feel like there's got to be some reason why he wants a divorce all of a sudden. Do you think it's because of your hormones and how you might be acting at the moment because of them? It's a very drastic decision for him to come to all of a sudden. All I can suggest is surround yourself with family and friends who are going to help you. Don't be afraid to ASK them for help. Take this one day at a time, get rid of your Peter Pan husband, and do what's best for your babies. If this isn't a bluff, you should probably get yourself a great lawyer and start battening down the hatches, girlfriend. You're going to come out of this JUST fine, but it's going to be a ride.

a5swanson · October 2014

hswan26 said:

Wow. I'm sorry you're going through this but he sounds likea complete jerk. You're probably better off without him. Do you have family and friends nearby for support?

Completely agree here. This person sounds TOXIC for both you and your children. Reach out to family and friends for support. I also suggest seeing a therapist. They're really helpful in these situations to help you come up with ways to deal with the anxiety and to take care of yourself, first and foremost.

Hang in there.

effthisnoise · October 2014

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but you deserve way better than some jerk who cheats on you and wants to leave you with two babies. I hope you have family nearby.

ac5008 · October 2014

Agree with previous posters - you deserve better than someone who will continuously put his own selfish desires above his family's needs.

That said, I know it is often not as easy as it sounds to leave. I hope you utilize whatever you can to set you and your babies up for success. It may seem impossible now, but there are good men out there - men who will love you and your children and be your support. It will be incredibly hard at first but you will eventually be so much happier when you aren't constantly worried about him or what he's doing wrong.

Big hugs your way. I hope it all works out for the best.

awheeler4311 · October 2014

Hugs hugs hugs. I so know how you feel. I'm here for you.

Trampslikeus · October 2014

I got a lump in my throat just reading this and I don't even know you...

I can't imagine and I know it must be so hard, but pp are right - why waste another minute with this asshole when it's one minute closer to being with someone who cherishes you down the road. Grant him his divorce and try to hold your head up high. Surround yourself with friends and family who love you, get yourself in to therapy, go get a massage, or get your hair done - anything that will make you feel positive and worthy of love and respect.

A zillion hugs.

suzysurparis · October 2014

I'm sorry you're going through this. If at all possible, you might try couples counseling. But as it appears he is the one requesting the break, you might not have even that much pull on his actions. Sadly, you cannot force him to stay in the marriage if he does not want to be there. All you can do is take care of yourself and your children and get a lawyer to help you get child support/custody/alimony if possible. Good luck and stay strong.

kimmarie1105 · October 2014

andreap525 said:

I feel like there's got to be some reason why he wants a divorce all of a sudden. Do you think it's because of your hormones and how you might be acting at the moment because of them? It's a very drastic decision for him to come to all of a sudden.
.

Seriously! No, I don't think he wants a divorce because of her hormones. Why would you even suggest that it's her fault? And clearly, it's not all of the sudden. He cheated in her when she was pregnant. Her 1st is only 11 months old.
OP, your "husband" is not worthy of your sorrow. It's takes a special kind of asshole to cheat on his pregnant wife. And now your pregnant again. You need to pack his shit and send him on his way. This poor excuse for a man will not change. I hope you have friends and family you can reach out to for strength.

girlyjo · October 2014

I just want to say that divorce has been watered down by society and IMO is a last extreme resort.

Did he say divorce in shock or anger? Has he mentioned this before? You've named two instances where it seems (again IMO since I don't know you or him) he felt threatened by the baby and made a rash decision. Was there communication about getting pregnant? I don't know if we can say 'he mentions divorce' and so he's out of the picture. Isn't there any thing to be said about working out our problems and discussing why these decisions should be made?

I have no idea who you are or where you come from or how you feel but I do know that these are huge decisions (having a baby and divorce equally huge) and should be handled with much thought and deliberation, not thrown about lightly.

willowprincess · October 2014

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to offer hugs and prayers.

wdwrocksmysocks · October 2014

girlyjo said:

I just want to say that divorce has been watered down by society and IMO is a last extreme resort.

Did he say divorce in shock or anger? Has he mentioned this before? You've named two instances where it seems (again IMO since I don't know you or him) he felt threatened by the baby and made a rash decision. Was there communication about getting pregnant? I don't know if we can say 'he mentions divorce' and so he's out of the picture. Isn't there any thing to be said about working out our problems and discussing why these decisions should be made?

I have no idea who you are or where you come from or how you feel but I do know that these are huge decisions (having a baby and divorce equally huge) and should be handled with much thought and deliberation, not thrown about lightly.

Not trying to be rude, but I think he's given plenty of reasons why she should follow through with this request. Any "man" who cheats on his pregnant wife and then decides to request a divorce during the second pregnancy needs to hit the road. The OP deserves someone who will be there for her and respect her and their children. Divorce sucks, but not as much as sticking around w/ an ass-hat just b/c you think divorce shouldn't be taken so lightly.

I'm sorry, but I really find your reply offensive.

Hugs to the OP.

MamaK818 · October 2014

T&P your way. Do you have a close friend or family you can get advice from? Someone who really knows you and H who could shed some light on this for you? I'm so so sorry you're going through this right now.

housewifebecomesher · October 2014

OP, as others have suggested I would recommend looking into counseling if you want to make it work. Talking through the fears and stresses that are causing your husband to behave this way could help.

I also agree with others that it doesn't sound like your husband is coping very well with the responsibilities of being an adult.

I have no doubt that you are superwoman and can do this on your own if you need to. Don't place extra stress on yourself worrying that your stress will negatively impact the baby. Clearly you love this baby so much and you only want what's best for your family. If your family no longer includes your husband, it's his loss.

Sometimes people we love and trust do awful things but it's within your power to look at a new path for your life. I am just very very sorry you're going through this.

beckynsean11 · October 2014

PPs have covered most of it. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You deserve someone that will be there for you & your children. I hope you can get some support from friends & family.

fairydirtssister · October 2014

Yes this was a planned pregnancy. Yes i have tons of family and friend around me. However, only 3 of them know about hie cheating on me last year. I want to work things out I do think he is immature ans selfish. We are only 23. I do not think that he knows how to deal with the responsibility of 2 kids. Plus he just found out that his position at work will be gone as of the first of the year. I feel like he is trying to hide from the problems opposed to fighting them head on. I just wish that there was a way to shake him and wake him up he is losing his family. It doesn't help that his job has nothing but bachelors working there and he sees them partying and sleeping around. And he thinks he want that too. I just wish he would wake up and see that what he has right in front of him is so much better then what he thinks he wants. Thank you all for your T&P's. I really appreciate it. Hopefully this will all work out for the best for me and my 2 children.

tiffbot1985 · October 2014

GL OP, best wishes to you and whatever decisions you make for your family.

blastocarrier30 · October 2014

T&P! I'm so sorry that you're going through this! From your most recent reply, I agree with some PP that it might be worth trying counseling, but I would be wary of having to raise two kids and compensate for someone who's been such a jerk.

Good luck, and I hope your friends & family are good supports for you right now! HUGS!

NoeliaV · October 2014

Look. For me, with a child, the cheating thing would be a deal-breaker. I could not wrap my head around sending my child the message that behavior like that is okay (it's not okay to cheat, and it's not okay to stay with a cheater). So, he would have been gone after that offense.

Now, he's saying to you that he wants a divorce? Then give it to him. You are worth more than trying to convince someone to stay with you. For what? The kids? Please. They deserve to have a better model of a healthy relationship than what either of you are giving to them.

You deserve better than how he is treating you. Full stop.

mommacandi · October 2014

NoeliaV said:

Look. For me, with a child, the cheating thing would be a deal-breaker. I could not wrap my head around sending my child the message that behavior like that is okay (it's not okay to cheat, and it's not okay to stay with a cheater). So, he would have been gone after that offense.

Now, he's saying to you that he wants a divorce? Then give it to him. You are worth more than trying to convince someone to stay with you. For what? The kids? Please. They deserve to have a better model of a healthy relationship than what either of you are giving to them.

You deserve better than how he is treating you. Full stop.

This! It takes a special kind of person to cheat on their pregnant wife. You deserve so much more. But mainly, you deserve to be happy, however that may look, so hugs to you. I'm sorry you're going through this at an already emotional time and hope that things work out in a way that makes YOU happy.

jbartsy · October 2014

I have nothing more to offer except for hugs. Hope everything works out for the best.

ALITAYLOR23 · October 2014

Sometimes you honestly are better off without them. I'm on baby number two. Due June 3rd too have an 11 month old as well and the dad is a pos I finally left and realized you are better off to do it on your own. It may be hard but its better than having your children grow up knowing they're not wanted.

GASuzuki · October 2014

Where do you live? I would go see an attorney immediately for legal advice. If your husband wants a divorce and starts the process, you need to get child support ASAP. If you live in California, there are free self-help clinics. As others have said, if he's actually still *listening*, maybe you can do counseling to work things out. (Even so, you need to take steps to protect yourself and your children.) I am sorry for the added stress in your life. I am glad you have a strong support system.

TheAlmostMom · October 2014

OP I am so sorry you are going through this- but PP's are right. It sounds like he is giving you an out to a better life by asking for this divorce. Personally- after cheating on me while pregnant and now asking for a divorce not only would I grant it to him, but I'd light him on fire on his way out the door.

You deserve BETTER! You are a person, his partner, the mother of his children, and if he cant respect that now in a critical juncture in your relationship- he never will.

ahershe · October 2014

I don't think we should criticize the decision to stay with him after he cheated for 2 reasons: 1.) That's in the past and there is no need to make her feel like she made the wrong decision then. She made that decision long ago, don't make her feel like it was the wrong one. 2.) She was pregnant! It's easy to say that you'd leave your husband in a heartbeat if he ever cheated on you but that's a lot easier said than done. How terrifying would it be to have life growing inside you and that baby's dad did something incredibly hurtful to you. Wouldn't you be terrified??? Pregancy is already one of the most difficult things we do, add marriage trouble into that... I just can't imagine what she was going through. And now she is pregnant again and marriage troubles have arisen again. I can see why she is hesitant to make any decisions about this now. I agree with PP that the OP should seek counseling. I'm not saying it will fix it, it just might make the transition to the next step in the marriage (whether it be reconciliation or divorce) easier. Prayers for you! I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

kimmarie1105 · October 2014

I hate to be a downer, and I definitely don't want to make you feel any worse but I am just going to speak frankly here. You are both so young! Unfortunately, when it comes to guys at 23 ( I say guys because at 23, given his behavior, I don't want to say men) the maturity level is light years away from girls. His surroundings at his job should not influence his decisions within his own personal life. If he truly wanted the whole family, 2.5 kids, white picket fence he would not be making the decisions that he is making. You said you want to shake him and make him realize that living the "bachelor life" is not what he wants, when in all honesty, it probably is what he wants. I have no doubt that he cares for you and that he loves his children but I don't think that he is anywhere near ready to be the man that you and your daughter and your unborn child need.

Telling you not to seek counseling will probably make me look like a heartless bitch, but I just don't think you should fight for something that won't work out in the long run. You are both way to young to be settling for a life that you don't want. There is no reason in wasting any more of your time just to end up in the same spot. Besides the fact that you have at least one daughter who is going to grow up and seek a relationship that mirrors what she learned at home.

The basis of your marriage, the strength of it at its core, is what your children will learn from. If you live in an unhealthy unstable marriage, they in turn will seek the same in their lives. I am a big believer in what will be will be. If the 2 of you are meant to be then somewhere down the road, after you have both found yourselves you will end up together.

I hope it works out for the best.

andreap525 · October 2014

kimmarie1105 said:

I feel like there's got to be some reason why he wants a divorce all of a sudden. Do you think it's because of your hormones and how you might be acting at the moment because of them? It's a very drastic decision for him to come to all of a sudden. .
Seriously! No, I don't think he wants a divorce because of her hormones. Why would you even suggest that it's her fault? And clearly, it's not all of the sudden. He cheated in her when she was pregnant. Her 1st is only 11 months old. OP, your "husband" is not worthy of your sorrow. It's takes a special kind of asshole to cheat on his pregnant wife. And now your pregnant again. You need to pack his shit and send him on his way. This poor excuse for a man will not change. I hope you have friends and family you can reach out to for strength.

Oh, believe me, I was in no way accusing OP of being the "fault" behind this. I'm just wondering why he would all of a sudden request a divorce. He should hopefully have some common sense in knowing that hormones are completely and utterly unavoidable and thanks to that, sometimes we have meltdowns/tantrums, etc while pregnant... Please, OP, know that I'm not blaming you at all. Plus, I mean, @kimmarie1105 only quoted a portion of what I said.

My only question is if there's anything else that's causing him to want the divorce. As much as we don't want you to go through something so stressful and hurtful, I just pray there's a legitimate reason for it or he really is the ultimate douchebag.

beemaya83 · October 2014

I'm really sorry your are going through this. Bringing up divorce is such bad timing, but its better that you know now. If you have family close by, reach out to them. Take care of yourself and be strong for both your babies.

kimmarie1105 · October 2014

@ahershe, I don't think anyone criticized her decisions, rather offered their own opinion on the situation. Which is what she asked for.
@andreap525‌ , I only quoted part of your response because that was what I was addressing. You're still stick on his "sudden" want for a divorce which confuses me considering he cheated not so long ago.

ahershe · October 2014

@kimmarie1105‌ Saying, "I would have left him if it were me," looks like just giving an opinion but it can feel like criticism, especially when you're in a vulnerable place. Regardless, that situation is in the past. She needs help now, not opinions on what others would have done then.

beattykid · October 2014

I'm so sorry for you, this really sucks. My mom told me something once that I have always remembered and now that I am pregnant it keeps coming to me again and again. She said that once she was tempted to cheat on my dad (my dad could be a real asshole when I was little) but what stopped her is she thought, anything that I do my kids will end up doing. You are the example for your children. Only you really know what is best, but do you really want to show your daughter that she should stay with someone like this? He sounds like a jerk, but of course only you know the whole situation. If it were me, based on what you have written I would give him that divorce as quickly as possible, but make sure you get the best attorney in town. You are pregnant! You will get the best sympathy right now and child support payments for two kids for the next 18 years. Your husband may not want to deal with this now, but he will be on the hook dealing with this and regretting his decision every month when that money comes out of his account. And you will have all of the support of every decent person around you. You don't have to live with this crap. Take his money and leave him his shit.

andreap525 · October 2014

@kimmarie1105 Hey, no need to get bent out of shape with me. I hope OP understands what I mean, since that's the only person I addressed with my initial post, but I only say sudden because yes, he cheated on her over a year ago, but then OP just said now he wants a divorce, with no actual reasoning leading up to this request (at least in her original post). HE cheated on her, so I would think if anyone requested the split it would have been her. Not him. that's why I am "still stuck on" the "sudden" thing... that's all. Anyway, I'm done splitting hairs here with you. I know we all want to help OP but verbally berating me is no help.

GASuzuki · October 2014

brennazesquire Sent you a PM!

kimmarie1105 · October 2014

@andreap525, if you think I verbally berated you in any way shape or form I would suggest you stay away from any bump post that could turn into a heated discussion.

Im sorry but like you said HE CHEATED. That says to me that HE was unhappy at that time and didn't want to be in a marriage. It in no way suggests that, if divorce was brought up, it would be HER idea. He CAUSED it. NOT HER. When there is cheating and turmoil in a relationship, discussion of divorce is not sudden and out of the blue.

Now, with that being said, I certainly do not want this poor girls post to turn into a pissing match, but Im not going to allow someone to insinuate that I was berating them when in fact I never did.

@ahershe, I completely understand what you mean when you say it could come off as criticism. However, I think OP needs to take into consideration his past actions when making this decision. Especially since it wasn't something that happened years before. And clearly since she included that in her original post, she isn't over it 100%.

juneberries · October 2014

I'm so sorry that you're going through that. No one deserves to be treated the way your husband has treated you (no matter how hormonal you are).

I think you've gotten some great advice here, but having just completed a year long custody fight myself, I have to reaffirm the advice that you see an attorney as soon as possible. No matter what you decide to do about your marriage, you can't control what your husband does, and you need to be prepared to protect yourself and your children. You'd be surprised how many small mistakes in the beginning of a situation like this can have big effects in the end. You don't want to be saying to yourself "if only I could prove this" or "if only I had known to do this" in the future when it comes to your welfare and the welfare of your children.

Luckily, my husband and I "won" our custody case (over his son), but it was a year of incredible stress and pain (and it wasn't even that contentious compared to most custody cases). Oh, and I would start setting aside money now, or seeking someone who could help you pay an attorney. Our year of lawyers cost almost $100,000.

shibby00 · October 2014

Op you can't make him be a man. He's 23, not 16. And regardless if he's man enough to keep getting you pregnant, he's man enough to take responsibility. You cannot force him to love you and treat you right. It doesn't work that way. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. -Maya Angelou. He's shown you who he is, do you believe him? As for me, you stick your dick in another woman while I am carrying your child, you do not ever get to mess up ever again. Cuz we are done. You need to decide what exactly your line in the sand is.

rosabellegorman · October 2014

I know what it is like to keep hoping that your man will "wake up" one day to responsibility or reality. While you are waiting for that to happen, years go by and your kids will suffer from the fallout of a bad relationship.

From my personal experience, no father is WAY better than a bad one. My happiest years as a child were when my mom was a working, stressed out single parent. We women can choose to be in an abusive relationship. Children can't choose.

I recommend you get a therapist just for your own support throughout this difficult time. I've had my therapist for 5 years. She is the reason I'm still alive and now pregnant, happy and thriving in all my relationships.

Good luck. Hugs and thoughts from me to you.

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