My husband is refusing to do a semen analysis, help!

xhochixx · October 2014

I have a question. Is anyone else having/or have had trouble getting their SO to do a SA? We have been TTC for 3yrs. I have gone through 2 surgeries for ENDO,hysteroscopy, chromotuberbation and 6 months of pure hell on lupron! I have been on Femara, had several trans vag u/s, given myself injections, and I am taking Metformin. My RE want's to try doing an IUI this next cycle, but my SO is being a butt about going and getting it done. He want's a baby just as bad as I do, so I don't understand what his hangup is!!! All he has to do is splooge in a cup!!! That is NOTHING compared to what I have been through. Any advice/stories on the subject?

LindseyM2012 · October 2014

My first thought when this comes up (because your husband is not the only one who doesn't want to do it) is that he's worried the SA will show a problem. I'm going to get all psychological here, but in general, men are so protective of their masculinity that they'd rather ignore an issue or avoid the possibility of discovering an issue in order to maintain it. I noticed your use of multiple exclamation marks and am getting the vibe of total frustration on your part. Totally valid. With that validity in mind, I personally wouldn't try to shame him into doing it (saying things like "What's wrong with you?" "This isn't a big deal!!!!" "Suck it up!!!"). That's going to put him in defensive mode and get you nowhere.

This is all being said without knowing a thing about your husband, so I could be off the mark here. Maybe ask him what his hesitation is. If he is nervous about it, validate that nervousness because it could be a big deal to him even if it seems like such a small thing to you.

Are you working with an ob/gyn? I only ask because most REs wouldn't start medicated cycles without at least one SA on file. If that was the case, you could have used that as leverage by saying, "This is just a formality to make sure all the bases are covered. My doctor won't continue with medicated cycles until this gets done."

xhochixx · October 2014

I have been thinking that may be the cause, which I have tried to talk to him about. He just gives me weird excuses everytime, such as "oh I drank this week, or I wore briefs" which he thinks would "throw off the tests". I understand his reservations, but it is so expensive to have all this testing done, so it is frustrating to me that he wont do it. I mean, as much as I don't want to find out that it isn't just me, but possibly MFI.. I just don't even know. My RE actually had me do 2 rounds of femara-with labs, u/s and other precautions, before requiring an SA. Because my SO couldn't/wouldn't come in. Now that it is to the point of IUI he needs to do it. I just don't want to wait even one more month to do so, and so it is important that he complies. I am trying to be sensitive to him.. I just am having a hard time.

deelopi9 · October 2014

DH has hesitant at the beginning. RE had him do the SA as part of our initial testing, however, after 3 medicated natural cycles and once it was time to do the IUI's it was a struggle. I agree with LindseyM2012 and ask your SO what are his reservations/hesitations with the SA. DH didn't mind intervention with medications however his overall picture of us having a baby did not include IUI/IVF as part of the process. He wanted to have it naturally. Once he got over letting go of that idea, he was on board. Good Luck

LindseyM2012 · October 2014

xhochixx said:

I have thought maybe that may be the cause, which I have tried to talk to him about. He just gives me weird excuses everytime, such as "oh I drank this week, or I wore briefs" which he thinks would "throw off the tests". I understand his reservations, but it is so expensive to have all this testing done, so it is frustrating to me that he wont do it. I mean, as much as I don't want to find out that it isn't just me, but possibly MFI.. I just don't even know. My RE actually had me do 2 rounds of femara-with labs, u/s and other precautions, before requiring an SA. Because my SO couldn't/wouldn't come in. Now that it is to the point of IUI he needs to do it. I just don't want to wait even one more month to do so, and so it is important that he complies. I am trying to be sensitive to him.. I just am having a hard time.

TOTALLY understand the frustration. Especially because you've gone through the battery of tests yourself. You can't force it though, sadly. He has to come to the realization that this has to be done and that you both will deal with whatever the test shows. The best thing you can do is reassure him of that and encourage him the best you can. He'll get it done. It may not be on your ideal timeline, but he'll get ready.

xhochixx · October 2014

Also, apparently I can't spell.. or use proper grammar.... My brain cells are zapped. (pls forgive meh)

Hollowvic · October 2014

Oh I understand your frustration. My husband was not keen on doing it either at first. In time he came around. Taking my husband to the doctor with me and having the doctor tell him instead of me made it easier for him to accept. Now he's done it so many times, it's not even an issue. Hope he comes around. Good luck.

lsangel304 · October 2014

My husband was fine with the SA until it came back with a concern of motility (turns out he's fine) and then was moping around the house until he found out it wasn't a concern, so there's probably a fear of everything not being okay and his pride being hurt.

Tiko99 · October 2014

My DH was hesitant because he was afraid his sperm might be the problem. He smoked an insane amount of weed in his younger years so he was worried (I've read weed is bad and that it doesn't make a difference). I told him all the testing I had to go through and that in order to proceed with treatment he would have to suck it up and get it done. My RE will not move forward with any treatments until all tests, including infectious diseases tests come back. He gave his sample, hoped for the best and came back with insanely healthy results. So much so that he is very proud of his swimmers....

Your husband probably is afraid there is something wrong and doesn't want his ego hurt if there is an issue. My only advice is to tell him again how much you have gone through and it doesn't take much to give a sample and for gods sake it's pleasurable!

xhochixx · October 2014

LOLZ, my DH was also a huge pot smoker.. Not anymore.. but I'm glad to hear***, that atleast in your case it was fine! haha

CandST2014 · October 2014

This issue my DH had with it was the actual process. The thought of having to produce a sample in the doctor's office completely freaked him out. Thankfully, we live close enough to my RE's office that she agreed to allow him to do it at home and get it to her office within 45 min.

Although he did voice to me that he was worried about what the results might be.

We've had to do it 3 times now (SA, 2 IUIs), and it's gotten pretty silly. The whole Ok, ready GO!, run to the car, hold it between your legs or in your shirt, keep it warm, oh crap! traffic!, etc...

SND1231 · October 2014

My RE is letting us do the SA at home and just bring it in which makes it a lot better. My DH was ok with it as we wanted to find out what is going on and make sure we dont have any other issues. Him being there with the doctor also really helped us. Good luck!

RogueZymosis · October 2014

SO didn't want to take the SA either. His hesitation was that something would be wrong and he wouldn't be able to have biological children. We talked about it and I explained that the same thing could be said about me when i do testing, but that we needed to figure out if there was a problem to maybe try to fix it. Docs wouldn't give me a referral to do testing without getting him tested first. Turned out there was an issue. And he moped for a little then got over it.

BethKate2 · October 2014

My H was hesitant at first too. I asked him about making an appointment to do it one day when he was already going to be home from work, and he told me he didn't want to. Then, a few days later, out of the blue, he said, "Call to make that appointment tomorrow." All he needed was for me to back off so that he could make the decision on his own.

xhochixx · October 2014

Also, did I really just put "here" instead of "hear" SMH X_X

AnonymousNurse · October 2014

I'm all for being supportive and understanding of why he doesn't want to do the SA, and how he might be scared to find bad news, and blah blah blah. But really, you need to remind him of all the shit that you have been through. All you are doing is asking him to masturbate. That's it! You're just asking him to do something he already does on a regular basis, anyways. I don't see the need to baby him here, he is an adult who supposedly wants a baby just as much as you do. You are not asking much of him. He should be happy to get off the hook so easily.

I'm so glad my husband had no issues with his... I would have no tolerance for that behavior.

I hope he comes around soon! Good luck with your testing.

curve31 · October 2014

mbrookeRN said:

I'm all for being supportive and understanding of why he doesn't want to do the SA, and how he might be scared to find bad news, and blah blah blah. But really, you need to remind him of all the shit that you have been through. All you are doing is asking him to masturbate. That's it! You're just asking him to do something he already does on a regular basis, anyways. I don't see the need to baby him here, he is an adult who supposedly wants a baby just as much as you do. You are not asking much of him. He should be happy to get off the hook so easily.

I'm so glad my husband had no issues with his... I would have no tolerance for that behavior.

I hope he comes around soon! Good luck with your testing.

This. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Resistant husbands need smacked. Across the cheek works but I prefer I good whack to the back of their head, blindside style.

ShellyR · October 2014

I'm sorry your DH won't do the SA. It sounds like you've already been through so much! My doctor talked to my DH at the one year visit about getting the SA. He would have done it anyway (I'm bossy) but it was nice that the instructions didn't have to come from me. Good luck!

BunnyBerry · October 2014

It took a long time to convince MH. Then he refused to follow the doctor's advice as far as the correct wait time. Then he wanted to wait years after getting bad results before moving forward with any treatment. Then he was in some kind of denial and repeatedly remembered his numbers as being much better than they were (I'd have to go get the paperwork evidence every time). I think SAs can be very difficult for men because their masculinity is at stake.

MH still balks every time he has to give a sample for IUI. It's annoying because obviously we women have to go through so much more.

Could you schedule a consult with you and YH and the RE where the RE would make sure he understand why IUI is so important for you guys as opposed to TI? Or where the RE kind of reviews all those treatments you've had and then makes light of how YH will now have to be "splooging" in a cup?

MH tends to trust the RE and ignore everything I saw about IF. Maybe hearing if from a pro would make YH more cooperative?

Also, though, each time we do IUI, DH gets a little better about it. It's like it was a shock to him but he is getting more used to it.

coaster102516 · October 2014

I may not be much help. I would be like OP and get extremely frustrated with MH unwilling to do the SA, especially after all the testing I did and with him making up a number of excuses. I agree with PP that having your RE explain it to him and that you can't proceed with out it may be the kick in the butt he needs.

MH was willing to do SA right from the beginning but of course he was nervous that something was wrong as well. I told him we needed to make sure he was good because I was not and this would complete the entire puzzle. His SA came back amazing and he wanted to frame it.

On the other hand, he is super reluctant to do an IUI. It isn't how he nor I imagained making a baby. We talked about are feelings towards it and the possibility of this but agreed not to even go there until he was comfortable taking that step.

Ann612 · October 2014

I'm sorry, this would infuriate me. My DH wasn't exactly thrilled with the prospect (who would be?), but ultimately he knew it really should be done, so just did it (with a little bit of half joking whining of course). I will say I think it did help him to have a couple months of warning to get used to the idea. I say this would make me angry because of all the stuff we women have to do. I would be very hurt if he wasn't willing to do his share. And while I was very understanding that it was not a fun thing, and was supportive when listening to DH complain, my patience would have run out quick if he was refusing month after month for various reasons. After a few months of that, I'd be done subjecting my body to any more tests or injections. Maybe I am a bitch, but I think this makes logical sense - no amount of me putting myself through this hell would matter if there is an issue with DH.

EmeJay · October 2014

Am I understanding that you have been TTC for 3 years and haven't done a SA yet? That's crazy!

Sorry you have to go through this, but he needs to put his big boy panties and do his part of the job. End of the story.

elucas2011 · October 2014

So sorry your having to deal with this on top of everything else. My DH didn't have a problem doing a SA. His only problem was, that he didn't want to have to sit in a tiny room with a cup and magazine. Ha Ha. Thankfully, he was able to collect his sample in the comfort and privacy of our home and I transported it to the lab. Hopefully, he will come around and do the test, so you can both move forward. Good luck with your journey.

TTCBabyJ · October 2014

When DH balked about doing SA after I had been poked and prodded I looked at him and said we can always use donor sperm. He went in the room and produced the sample. It was hard to have sympathy for him. I mean he's been doing this since he was like 13 years old.

Hollowvic · October 2014

Well said @mbrookeRN‌ I totally agree. My husband bitches about taking a stupid supplement daily, try getting injections, bloodwork and a dildo shoved up you daily. If he had the nerve to bitch about the SA I would be pissed.

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