FTM: Grandma title related question-- long read

jennielynn+ · October 2014

Hello ladies! As a FTM, I have thoroughly enjoyed reading all these posts and comments. There is a ton of practical info rolling around this board for a newbie like myself! I know this makes me a typical lurker but, I have not had much life experience to feel of much use to others on this board. However, I was awake for about 3 hours last night thinking about this problem and I really want to get this off my chest. In short, is is strange for my child to call my mother something different than her other grandchildren? How important are titles, truly?

A little background: Our child will be my mom's 4th grandchild. My older brother's have kids ages 5,3 and 2. We all live in the same area and have a family event probably once a month for a birthday or holiday. My child will see grandma a bit more frequently, maybe once a week. Five years ago my mom decided to be called Bachy (pronounced bah-chii). She chose this solely because she thought it was unique and cute. She heard this name because my father's mother was called Baci. My father's family is completely Polish so you have a Babcia (bab-shiah) and it is typically shortened to Baci (bah-chii). My mother met my Baci only once that I know of when she came to GA for grandparent's weekend when I was small. Baci and the rest of my father's family live in New England. There is no drama there. I was able to visit my Baci every summer when I went to New England. My parents never married (blended family type thing) so, it just did not make sense for my mom to journey up there. My GA and N.E. spheres really only have me in common. Anyways, my Baci passed away a few years ago. I feel uncomfortable letting my child call my mother Baci when my mother is not Polish. My Baci was a true Polish immigrant born in 1916. We have a long, long line of Bacis in our family history that I cannot wait to share with our baby. My father's remaining family in N.E., including more siblings, cousins and an aunt all have great stories of our family that have passed on. Ah, btw my father passed in 1996 so, he cannot help me on this one.

The real issue is I have never felt like I have had to set boundaries between my mother and my life. We have a great relationship. I also feel my mother has her own family history to share with my baby. Being pregnant for the first time, I also understand maybe this just is not a big deal. I do know the baby will not be actually talking to my mother for some time.

Yet, I want to be prepared for when this does come up in conversation. I am torn between just going with the flow (as I am prone to do) and standing up for something that is special to me. Hurting my mom's feelings for no reason is not something I am interested in so, if I choose to stick to my guns on this one, I want to feel justified. Any advice on how important this is in the spectrum of child rearing is greatly appreciated! Thank you ladies for getting through my 1st post!

BookitBoo · October 2014

Personally, I don't understand why it matters that your mom isn't Polish. She wants to be called Bachi/Bachy and her other grandchildren already call her that. It doesn't make sense IMO to make her pick another name just because she doesn't have the right history/background.

Your child will ultimately call her whatever s/he hears most frequently. It's important (to me) to pick a name before baby is born to be able to talk to baby about that individual and teach them to identify them by name.

This seems to be more about control. I would wait and choose my battles carefully.

Tl:dr: It wouldn't bother me at all for her to be called by the name she likes and the title she is already using.

Samiantha101 · October 2014

Ok, I'll admit that I didn't read through your entire post. I apologize, but I am on a short break. I do want to say that I don't understand the recent craze with grandparent titles. Like a lot of things pregnancy, baby, and child related: it's gone way overboard. If your child comes up with a nickname for grandma, that's awesome. My nephew started to call my mom Gmom when he was a toddler. It stuck and now all grandkids call her that. Grandparents aren't royalty. I don't get he NEED for a title. Can we put this craziness to an end already?

peggels24 · October 2014

I think it makes more sense for all of the grandchildren to call her the same name.

Milagros315 · October 2014

Yeah I wouldn't worry about this. As PP said, you can try to plan it all you want but the child will ultimately choose the name. My BIL (the oldest) did not speak Spanish at first so he started calling his grandfather "Papi" because that's what he heard his Spanish-speaking mother call him. Now my H and his brothers still call him Papi while the other kids call him Titi. The "kids" are now aged 36 to 15 and it's never been an issue.

LaBellaVida · October 2014

Have your baby call her what she wants and what the other Grand kids already call her. It makes more sense, and it's really not that big of a deal. I like it, it's unique.

My mom isn't grandma to my kids, she's memaw. Ds1 is the first born grandchild on my side and he gave her that name when he couldn't say 'grandma' when he was learning to talk. It stuck, it's different, and it's special to her.

artistewonder · October 2014

I agree with mostly everyone, when the bb comes he/she we'll call her whatever comes natural and for better or worse if she is already being called by that name then chances are the bb will follow suit. As the bb gets older you can always teach them about the origin and the special meaning it has to you

nah82 · October 2014

Honestly it's kind of weird to me when grandmas make pronouncements about what they want to be called. When kids start talking, they will call them something that may or may not sound anything close to what grandma chose, and it will be adorable that they are acknowledging her and NBD if it's the "chosen" name. I know kids that call their grandmas Nen Nen, GiGi, and Dimmy and a grandpa that goes by Packy. My 4 year old can say grandma now but my 2 year old just started saying "mama" when he's talking about grandma (he calls me Mommy but it sounds more like Money, haha). Neither my mom nor my MIL care for their MILs, so all they asked was that we not call them "grandma Lastname" because that was their MIL, not them. When we talk about them to the boys we differentiate with "Grandma Firstname".

thompnia · October 2014

We call the grandma first name and papa first name. Most of my husband's and my grandparents are in our lives, so they have multiple grandmas and grandpas with the same last name. We use last names for the great grandparents.

ECATX · October 2014

My parents already had one grandchild - my nephew - and we refer to them with the same names/titles that he uses. I was annoyed at first, only because they aren't names that I would have picked, but I let it go and am glad I did. It's really not a big deal in the scheme of things, but I think it's easier to just go with one name, if it's possible (or until the child decides to use an alternative). After we referred to them by the name for a while, it grew on me.

lavet22 · October 2014

My children have a Babcia whose grandparents came from Poland (she was born and raised in Boston). I don't see it a problem at all what the kids call her. The only thing I would put my foot down about is Mama or Maw or some variation of that. Otherwise, I don't think it's a big deal.

Also, my kids call FIL Pop-pop. The rest of his grandchildren (5 others) all call him MyMac. It has never been an issue for our kids to call him something different, so if you want to pick out a different name, I don't see the problem with that.

Edvent · October 2014

I'm another who feels that the grandparent name is whatever the child chooses and if the older grand kids are already calling her something, yours will likely use the same name.

I also don't think the fact that she isn't Polish isn't really a big deal. My step-mother is German and goes by Oma, my dad is not German but all of the grand kids call him Opa... I like cultural names for grandparents!

[Deleted User] · October 2014

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Edvent · October 2014

Also, my aunt is choosing to be called "Pickle"... so just think, it could be worse than Bachy

Pips09 · October 2014

I think you are making a mountain out a molehill here. Does it really matter that your mom isn't Polish? If that is the best reason you have for wanting to make this an issue, I'd say you should drop it. Even if you proclaim that your kid will call you mom Grandma, when he/she hears all her cousins calling her Baci, he will likely follow and call her that too.

britb618 · October 2014

I do understand what you are saying about your Mom picking a name that had no significance to her but it did to you; unfortunately, that was 5 years ago (I think you said) when your nieces and nephews started doing that. At this point I think its too late to discuss how this bothers you without it causing a problem with your family since she's gone by that name for a long time.

As other pp's have mentioned your kid will ultimately decide what to call the grand parent. My mom went through trying to tell my daughter like 15 names, she just wanted to be called something. She's now gigi, which I really wanted. My step sister who is not even pregnant is already saying she wants her kids to call my mom "Sunana" because my mom is "susanna" and she thinks that's cute. Whatever. lol. I have a feeling all kids will end up calling her GG because that's what normally happens in families that spend a lot of time together, but I don't really care if they call her something different and I don't think my mom gives a hoot either. Don't make yourself sick over it and I don't think this is the hill to die on for a fight with your mom.

But I do understand and appreciate your sentiment

kbl13 · October 2014

I really dislike the cutesy nicknames for grandparents (although that's not exactly what this is). My nieces have been using "Nana" "Mimi", "Gigi", "Pop pop", and "Papa" for ~12 years but I've adamant about using "Grandpa" and "Grandma"... It's been working so far.

jennielynn+ · October 2014

Wow! Awesome responses ladies. I am grateful. Reading these, it seems most everyone is on the same page. I am being over sensitive on this one. The fact that I lost 3 hours sleep thinking about this should have tipped me off. lol

Ugh, its not like me to let something so little get to me like that. I am going to let it go, put it out of my mind, and we will see what happens in the future when the baby can talk. Anyways, I feel so much better about it knowing its not a big deal. Thank you to everyone!

12chachacha · October 2014

I think it's too late. I think the time to take a stand (if that's what you wanted to do) was when your first nephew was born. She calls herself bachy, the other kids call her bachy, and I'm assuming your brothers call her bachy. I think it would be very difficult to call her something else now.

StarLiteKiss · October 2014

Let your child decide is my best advice. My mother has 15 grandkids (i come from a big family) and all but 3 call her Maw-Maw. The remaining 3 call her nanny. It doesn't bother my mother one bit.

llambrose · October 2014

I don't think it is as big of a deal as you are feeling like it is and ultimately, at this point, I think that your child will most likely call your mom what she is called by the other grandkids and how she refers to herself. I think that is should be up to your mom what she is called, it doesn't really matter if you don't agree with the reasons behind it, it is her name. I would say that it is not a battle worth fighting as you will probably just cause conflict with your mom and your kid will end up calling her that anyway.

SSCmomma · October 2014

Let your Mom pick the name that makes her happy.

SpaceGirlSpiff · October 2014

This really is such a non issue in the grand scheme of things... you really can't officially designate what grandparents are going to be called... usually it ends up being what the kid settles on, on their own, no matter what.... whether that's the name you encourage, a name they make up, or the name the other grandchildren call them.... it's really ultimately left to the child.

We have a little girl in our family that calls my H's grandfather "HeyYou" ((it's her great grandfather))...because she just started calling him that when she was first talking and it just kind of stuck and it doesn't bother him or anyone. I doubt that was anyones intention when or before she was born but... that's what happened and it's her thing now.

stephchris0321 · October 2014

My son calls my mom Mema and my stepmom Mor Mor and my husband's mom Grandma. I understand your side of the issue but I would try not to worry about it too much until your LO is a little older.

motherboy · October 2014

Wow an op who can handle it when posters disagree with her. They should post this thread on the tri boards on how to handle different opinions. Welcome OP, hope you stick around.

Mom2anAngel2 · October 2014

My DS and my niece call my parents Mimi and Pops while my sister's girls call them grandma and grandpa. My mom never wanted to be called grandma because she felt it was a title, not a name. She always wanted to be called Nonna (?sp, Italian) because she is Sicilian. Well, my sister had kids first and her in-laws are Italian immigrants, so they are Nonna and Nonno. My mom requested that my sister choose another name for her to use, but my sister did not like Mimi and insisted on grandma.

When my other sister and I had LOs within 5 months of each other we decided to respect my mother's wish. She was so happy! Some people get confused when my mom has all the grandchildren around and they call her different names, but we are all used to it by now. Besides, DS can actually say Mimi, but is no where near saying grandma.

AggieMom0809 · October 2014

Being Polish myself, I don't see why it wouldn't be okay to call her it. In our family the grandmother/father decided what they wanted to be called. There haven't been any issues, but it was a huge deal to one of us, I'm sure they would be okay with one set of grandchildren calling them something different.

Talk to her about your concern before your baby is born if it really bothers you so there's not lingering tension.

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FTM: Grandma title related question-- long read

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